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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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Posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 12:04:15
the place.
i know i'm not here much anymore. i try to stay clear of psych cuz it seems that i'm triggered so much by stuff that i just can't. so i don't.
but i had a MAJOR session wed. and my 'teen' let T read a letter written to my old t that told of a lot of abuse from 'mother' that T never had a clue about.
i was switching all over the place i lost about 1/2 hour of the session, even my 'parts' dissociated.then of course DH had to invite my parents over that night (i didn't know about it and too late to tell them no) so they were over and as terrible as this sounds...the teen in me would stare at her back and say "i could k*ll her if i needed to" that's how angry she still was. i took two xanax and a beer.
yesterday i could barely see my vision was so messed up. im guessing it was the dissociation. i felt floaty and not real...detached. i felt surreal. i kept having memory after memory come forth and needing to talk. T couldn't meet at all yesteray she wasn't in her office.i couldn't even work. so T said she would write a note to my boss. i left work and went home to paint. when i would paint i was fine but EVERYTIME i'd stop even for 5 min. the feelings and memories would come pushing back.T yesterday that she could meet today. i just emailed her to see if she can still meet at 3:30 today but i haven't heard back.
i'm little better but though i'd better go anyway.
i'm still spacy, and feel heavy, my head feels thick.
i just dont think i could care for my daughter the way i'd need to. i need to 'finish' whatever i started on wednesday.is anyone here today.
i don't know what i'm looking for in sharing my cr@p...i guess i just need to know someone understands what its like to be hurt.i apologize ahead of time incase my 'parts' come out here. i feel littleone near.
Posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 12:30:22
In reply to dissociating all over, posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 12:04:15
here goes...
was at the end i was trying to emerge cuz my littleone told T that i didn't know how to bathe my IRL little one and i needed help but i was SOOO scared to ask for help cuz i was afraid that they would think i was abused so i would abuse and they would take her away from me. so i was full out bawling, and all i wanted to do was find out how to properly bathe my IRL daughter.
the nurses in the hospital show you how to change diapers and kinda bathe but not really.
then i had to ask all the things i didn't know (cuz of my lack of role model)1. how to bathe daughter (privates)
2. when does she learn to bathe herself (privates)
3. when can she take a bath by herself (with door closed..etc.)
4. how old is too old to share bath with sibling...thank GOD this is Anonymous. i'm so embarrassed that i'm even writing this right now, maybe i shouldn't be. i can't believe that i needed to ask these but THANK GOD ALMIGHTY I DID. cuz WOW, was my experience WAY off from what my T told me. (she has kids and also had a book to show pictures.)
Posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 14:41:13
In reply to the hardest part...**possible Trigger**, posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 12:30:22
maybe i shouldn't have said anything here either. :(
Posted by fleeting flutterby on March 28, 2008, at 15:21:18
In reply to Re: the hardest part...**possible Trigger**, posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 14:41:13
Haven't replied to others here, as I'm new and not familiar with members and hope I don't say something that will hurt more than help...... wanted you to know I'm here ....
Seems you have a few things to bring up the stress level. I'm sorry. I understand it's so difficult to be around the abuser-- I have similar circumstances too.
And about bathing a young one.... I can so relate to your not knowing because of the lack of a role model. Me too. :o( I would watch and read everything I could get my hands on that pertained to child care. Even shows like "Full House" and movies like- "Three Men and a Baby" can be, and were, role models for me and taking care of my own children.
I wish you all the best with you and your little ones. It's not easy for anyone and can be even more of a struggle for those of us that hadn't a positive roll model. I think it's good you are talking to your T. about it all.
Sounds like you are a loving and caring mother.
all the best to you and yoursfl.flutterby
Posted by Daisym on March 28, 2008, at 21:18:42
In reply to Re: the hardest part....., posted by fleeting flutterby on March 28, 2008, at 15:21:18
B2,
You know I work with little kids and their parents - and lots and lots of parents know nothing about taking care of infants. When I was a young mother I had no idea how to put diaper rash ointment on a boy - I'd babysat for little girls and taken care of a little sister - but not boys. So these are not things to be embarrassed about. I'm so glad you have someone safe to ask.
And I know that fear - "If I was abused, does that mean I have the potential to abuse?" The truth is all parents have the potential and those who were hurt as children have an increased potential. But you are in therapy, you are aware of the cycles and you clearly want to do right by your little one. These are important conversations. I've had them with my therapist too - worry and wondering about messing up my kids. And I'm very distressed to admit that on occasion my own sons have triggered me - imagine being scared of your own children! But when you are working through these very hard memories and you feel young and fragile, these things happen. I was glad to find that my therapist welcomed the questions, took them seriously, ask a lot of questions that were clearly intended to protect my kids as well as me, and did it in a way that wasn't insulting or scary.
It takes a while to get all these things out in the open and you just have to take it slow. Remember that dissociating served you well once so it is natural that it will show back up during stressful times.
I hope you can find time to nurture yourself this weekend.
Posted by Phillipa on March 28, 2008, at 22:02:16
In reply to Re: the hardest part..... » fleeting flutterby, posted by Daisym on March 28, 2008, at 21:18:42
No experience either diapered first backwards all of diaper time cloth then with pins. And couldn't apply ointment to her vagina either it was embarrassing to me. I don't think I've been abused. Phillipa
Posted by muffled on March 28, 2008, at 22:43:25
In reply to Re: the hardest part...**possible Trigger**, posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 14:41:13
B2 I wish yopu were closer I could lend you some funny parenting books.
You are SO UTTERLY not alone in this!!!!
In todays society we don't have the etended familys nearby or living together(good and bad...)to help guide us.
I didn't know nothing either!!! I had a sister to help TG!
I first had a boy baby, kinda weird for me, but cleaning was reasionably straightforward.
But then I had a girl?! and baby poo is goopy, and gets mooshed around....oh crap(pardon the pun!) I didn't know WHAT to do?! to clean her parts. I didn't wanto shove poo further in, but I wanted it gone, so I'd sorta get a corner of the wet wipe and kinda dab away....ugh, if was a learning curve all right!
I agree w/Daisy bout the fact that your in therapy and aware, so it's less likely you would abuse. I worry bout that sometimes. LOTSA times :-( I wondered when I was changing babies and was (naturally curious and proud too, to see their healthy bodies)but if I looked too much, or held them wrong....was it 'BAD'???
I used to put my son in the shower and check his bod on the way by, rather like I do any creature( I SO would have made a good vet)but then I sometimes would worry, was I checking or 'looking'????
I have mostly come to peace and understanding that I am not going to hurt my kids in that way. I have DD but I don't lose chunks of time, so I don't think I could have hurt them and somehow not known it :-( Though THAT passes thru my mind from time to time.
I just now beleive that I am going to have to live with my doubts and thots, its just the reality of who I am, as a result of my life events. As long as my kids are OK and safe and cared for and loved, well thats whats important. I can put up with my fears from time to time. They pass.
Now my daughter is 8 and when she is in the bath she just kinda 'flushes' her privates, cuz soap irritates them and causes itchyness. She washes her poo poo bum with soap only. See I a nutty Mom!!!
I think being a parent is the hardest job on earth.
You need to learn so many things to be a MOM.
But I don't regret it, my kids have taught me SO much about love and stuff that I never knew.
So you not unusual B2, cept maybe in that you DO care so much, that you are so vigilant. But thats not so awful.
You got embarrassing baby questions, feel free to email/bmail me. I may laugh, but it will be WITH you :-) cuz I done bout a million silly things myself!!!!
Take it easy.
M
Posted by raisinb on March 29, 2008, at 12:47:07
In reply to the hardest part...**possible Trigger**, posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 12:30:22
B2, I don't know what it's like to dissociate, but I do know that my best friend just had a baby and NOBODY knows these things, and I think all new parents have moments where they feel like they are failures and are not fit to have children. Now that this has happened, I have a close-up view of how hard and scary it is to have a small infant for the first time.
Because of your abuse, these feelings are probably so much more intense, but the feelings themselves are completely normal. Please don't feel bad about them.
How much you love your daughter and want to keep her safe comes through in your posts. I am sure with your T's help you will figure these things out. Take care of yourself.
Posted by rskontos on March 29, 2008, at 19:23:52
In reply to Re: the hardest part...**possible Trigger** » B2chica, posted by raisinb on March 29, 2008, at 12:47:07
Hey sweetie, I know the tough road you are going, my son right now is a teenager and he and his friends make me dissociate more and more. He brings out the angry one and teen so much I dont always know what to do. So I relate. I dont' think and this is MHO disssociative opinion that maybe with babies what you might be having so much trouble with is the stress levels but you won't hurt them any more than you would hurt a puppy or such. You know what I mean. Babies even though they can stress they don't cause the same fear adults do as I think we know they don't mean you harm like what they do cause you is fear of what the heck do I do with this innocent and how to I do no harm stress and that is what most new parents feel. So from that standpoint I don't think you would hurt daughter. You will turn away from the not knowing what to do and this I think causes the dissociation. JMHO That is how I think I lost time with my daughter I was confused sometimes over what to do for her but I did not hurt I think. I hope. She says now she is 19 I did not hurt her. She says I was wonderful mom. I think I was distant some too much. I do know now I have an inner who is just mom. That is all she is for. She comes and goes. mainly to be there for my children. I know when she is around and when she is gone. Her job was the kids. When I felt her gone, I was so lost. I was her so much of the time. We might have co-existed some. She developed to help with the babies when I was so overwhelmed to help me not hurt them I think.
I hope that helps. I know how triggering they can be. I can feel myself leave around my son and especially his friends. It is tough to try to stay sometimes i managed to stay in a floaty state but that is sometimes worse.
On Friday I had to have a skin biopsy and they gave me a shot, it was on my head near my hairline and the next thing I knew she was telling me I could get up. I dissociated during it. I could feel myself talking to try to stay but it didn't help. Isn't funny what makes us leave. Now I knew what they were doing and it should not hurt yet I guess someone inside decided it was scary.
So, I at your age did not know I had been hurt to extent I had been. Although deep down I did not trust anyone around my children. Including their father although he never acted or did one thing that make me think anything. Just a sixth sense I should have listened to a long time ago. So in one sense you are in a better position than I was, you are aware and getting therapy. I wasn't yet I never did anything. My children, 19 and 15 and doing well.
Children are triggery for regular parents as well remember that. Just like raisinb said. No parents know what to do from the beginning. No babies come with manuals.
You will be ok. Because I know how a good mom you are.
rsk
Posted by muffled on March 29, 2008, at 19:36:01
In reply to Re: the hardest part...**possible Trigger**B2C, posted by rskontos on March 29, 2008, at 19:23:52
I got a imom, she is good.
But she not always around and thats the prob for me.
Inconsistancy.
I think it will be oK though.
M
Posted by rskontos on March 29, 2008, at 19:56:09
In reply to mom part, posted by muffled on March 29, 2008, at 19:36:01
Yeah muffled, when my imom part abandoned me I went into crisis stage and the unraveling began that was in I think Jan of 06. And here we are.
Still trying to stitch things up...
How are muffled. things ok.
B2c I think you will maybe have a mom part? and she will get better at handing the baby. Mine got better. Although sometimes now she can't handle angry one and teen when they both come out at the same time. Once I had all three come out. It was something. This bringing everyone to the surface and trying to blend them. (My term is blend) I like the best. Sometimes backfires and we get all three at once. I was really tired after that incident and boy did the fireworks fly. Got my son and H's attention that evening I did.
Yes, B2c you will be ok. And littleone if you are are around. Everything will be ok. Nobody will hurt you ever again. Promise.
(((((((B2C))))))) (((((((Muffled)))))
rsk
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2008, at 7:50:49
In reply to Re: the hardest part...**possible Trigger** » B2chica, posted by muffled on March 28, 2008, at 22:43:25
your details are great muffled. i appreciate them
i'll try to write more later.
but i ca'nt tell you how much i your post made me happy and helped. ty.
b2c.,
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2008, at 7:55:31
In reply to Re: the hardest part...**possible Trigger**B2C, posted by rskontos on March 29, 2008, at 19:23:52
i think it was the 'mom' part in me that made me ask. cuz i felt unsure and needed to ask. but every other part of me was so scared.
was scared that whoever i ask would 'red flag' me as a potential abuser and take my little girl away. (when i said that to my T i just started to bawl).cuz i had to talk to a social worker last week to make sure that some of my past records were closed and wanted to ask her-who i could ask but then got really scared, also my IRL littleone had a doc appt so i could have asked him, but again i was SOOO scared. so the fear and uncertainty kept building until i about burst.
sorry gotto go for now.
try to write more later.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2008, at 9:42:59
In reply to the hardest part...**possible Trigger**, posted by B2chica on March 28, 2008, at 12:30:22
i guess i was just so afraid of being "red flagged as a potential abuser" by whomever i asked for help. that if i was to ask someone how to properly bathe my little girl. i was scared to DEATH. that someone will want to take her away from me. that it's stopped me from asking this before...it was building inside for quite a while.
i don't really have a fear that i am abusing my daughter or will. although like Muffled said sometimes when i looke at her beautiful body i wonder am i admiring her or am i "looking", i question...but that's also because my 'mother' did body checks on me when i was little and T says this was an invasion of my privacy and was wrong so i worry that i might do that.
but i've talked to T and she thinks because i am SO conscicous about it, im good. i'm ok. and i have no intentions. i just love her and her beauty. she's so perfect, so just right as GOD made her. and i want to protect her SO much.my 'mother' used to scrub me raw all over but especially in privates, so i didn't know how to clean my IRL little one.
i had to ask T how to clean her.
T was SO GOOD. and asked me what i did now and then told me what to do, and that i was doing ok now. and that even if i just let her sit in the tub and didn't wash her down there she would still be ok as long as i cleaned her during diaper changes. this made me feel SOOO much better.
i was worried about cleaning her too strong AND also not enough cuz i sometimes barely wash her privates cuz i'm worried of hurting her.and T said about 2 years or so they can clean themselves (depending on child) when they start to clean other parts of body by themselves.
and as someone else told me, they kinda let you know about the privacy part (around 5-7ish) that they want privacy.
and age 2-3 is cut off age for sharing baths.
ALL this is what T told me (incase anyone out there also wants to know and doens't want to ask).
and all of this went against what i learned from my own experience.
but i feel a weight has lifted now that i have asked and i feel more empowered.
and feel a little more in control.
Posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 12:26:09
In reply to Re: the hardest part...**possible Trigger**, posted by B2chica on March 31, 2008, at 9:42:59
B2c, I am glad you feel better. I remember when my son was I think about 18 months old he climbed up on the counter and turned on the stove top, one of those drop-in units you know not a stove, and was standing on the heater element well you can guess what happened he burnt his foot badly. I had to take him in to the emergency unit at my pediatrician office, they had their own services on the weekend, and my doctor was off. I felt like they were going to call Protective Services as I felt like the worlds worst mom. I was standing in the kitchen with my son but of course he knew what he was going to do, my back was turned for about 25seconds just enough time for him to climb up there being the little monkey he was, and turn the knob and those electric units heat up enough in those few seconds to burn you badly. Luckily for me, the doctor I got was a mom with 5 kids. She laughed and told me this is only the beginning as boys love to take you to the emergency room, wait until he plays sports and she was right. She made me feel somewhat better. As better as I could feel in the situation.
Anyway, i know you are a great mom. And of course she is beautiful and you are just admiring beauty where you see it and of course you are admiring something precious YOU MADE. That is too what you are seeing.
Take care, you are doing great.
rsk
Posted by B2chica on March 31, 2008, at 15:26:22
In reply to Re: the hardest part...**possible Trigger** » B2chica, posted by rskontos on March 31, 2008, at 12:26:09
This is the end of the thread.
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