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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 22 of 22. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 7, 2008, at 17:16:55
I'm trying my best to do healthy things, like working out (went to a step aer. class), and drinking nice tea and taking my meds.
I just feel so emotionless. when there is an emotion it is either dread or this sadness that is a shadow.
Maybe I have a low level of depression still.
I'm still having trouble with not having a T for a long time. between jan 14 and feb 14 I saw him once.
It was a happy reunion. I asked him if I should bring him a valentine (jokingly) and he joked back "you BETTER!!" he always makes me laugh and feel good about myself.
So I will try to find a lemon cookie recipe and give him some lemon cookies for valentines. We joke about his fondness for lemon pound cake all the time.
Life is so draining right now. I can't even seem to keep my head above water. homework is not being done. insurance claims are not being filed.
Pdoc 3x my klonopin. I only 2x it, because the two days I tried 3grams a day I was dead to the world.
'' ' ' those are little llurpsie tears. she can't figure out where they come from or where they are going ' ' ''
((((((((babblers))))))))
Posted by Maxime on February 7, 2008, at 17:33:16
In reply to having a really hard time, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 7, 2008, at 17:16:55
I hate hearing that you are having a hard time. But you are doing all the right things and that counts for a lot. You not staying in bed or on the couch - you are DOING!
Are you on an SSRI? I was on Zoloft up until last week and it made me apathetic. As much as crying and yelling is hard, not feeling anything is worse (imo).
I love lemon cake, pudding, cookies, and candies. :)
Wish I could joke with my T like that, but I don't feel safe enough to do it.
People care about you, so please hang in there.
Maxime
Posted by jammerlich on February 7, 2008, at 21:30:57
In reply to having a really hard time, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 7, 2008, at 17:16:55
((((Llurpsie)))) I'm sorry life is such a struggle right now. Even though it might not feel like it, you really ARE doing a good job taking care of yourself. I just wish doing those things actually made you feel better. I guess sometimes you have to wonder whether they're feeding us a line of crap when they say, "these are the things you need to do!"
((((Llurpsie)))) Is there anything you really love but rarely do? Maybe this is a time to treat yourself. It's OK if you can't think of anything. Sometimes it's hard for me, even when I feel good.
((((Llurpsie)))) You are loved here, Llurps. Yes, that's right, I dropped the L-bomb.....LOVED. Stay connected here and let us help support you.
Jammer
Posted by Phillipa on February 8, 2008, at 0:09:46
In reply to Re: having a really hard time » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by jammerlich on February 7, 2008, at 21:30:57
Lurpsie can you dream about the fabulous vacations you took? Or the house? Maybe klonopin is depressing you it does me. Love Phillipa
Posted by JoniS on February 8, 2008, at 9:41:57
In reply to having a really hard time, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 7, 2008, at 17:16:55
Hey Llurpsie
I'm so sorry you are having a hard time. You do seem to be doing all the right things to take care of yourself. Like those have said before me - keep taking care of yourself even though it's hard. And remember that you are Loved here!
(((((((((Llurpsie))))))))))
by the way, I am in the middle of a DEEP depression, so it took all my strength to post this - and I didn't even shed a tear - I'm pushing it down and plowing ahead to get my emotions off my mind.
Take care!
Joni
Posted by muffled on February 8, 2008, at 10:20:36
In reply to Re: having a really hard time » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by JoniS on February 8, 2008, at 9:41:57
Hang in there.
This is a tough time.
Often winter is the worst.
Hope you can have some moments of peace.
I have moments and they are nice.
You can goto my cave if it gets bad.
This is a hard patch you going thru, but it will get better.
I seen you work thru worse.
And hopefully T will be more available soon.
P-doc thinks meds are OK? Maybe something is pooping out on you?
Take care, be safe.
I know its hard. But its gonna be ok, just keep going.
(((((LL))))))
M
Posted by Angela2 on February 8, 2008, at 10:39:31
In reply to having a really hard time, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 7, 2008, at 17:16:55
> I'm trying my best to do healthy things, like working out (went to a step aer. class), and drinking nice tea and taking my meds.
>
> I just feel so emotionless. when there is an emotion it is either dread or this sadness that is a shadow.
>
> Maybe I have a low level of depression still.
>
> I'm still having trouble with not having a T for a long time. between jan 14 and feb 14 I saw him once.
>
> It was a happy reunion. I asked him if I should bring him a valentine (jokingly) and he joked back "you BETTER!!" he always makes me laugh and feel good about myself.
>
> So I will try to find a lemon cookie recipe and give him some lemon cookies for valentines. We joke about his fondness for lemon pound cake all the time.
>
> Life is so draining right now. I can't even seem to keep my head above water. homework is not being done. insurance claims are not being filed.
>
> Pdoc 3x my klonopin. I only 2x it, because the two days I tried 3grams a day I was dead to the world.
>
> '' ' ' those are little llurpsie tears. she can't figure out where they come from or where they are going ' ' ''
>
> ((((((((babblers))))))))(((((Llurpsienoodle))))
I hope you feel better soon. That's good you are trying to help yourself by exercising and taking meds.
Posted by rskontos on February 8, 2008, at 13:38:57
In reply to having a really hard time, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 7, 2008, at 17:16:55
I am sorry you are having such a hard time...I
wish I could take it all away for you.
rsk
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 8, 2008, at 18:22:10
In reply to Re: having a really hard time » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by rskontos on February 8, 2008, at 13:38:57
Hi guys, I'm reading. you are all so kind. I had a nice nap earlier. usually haven't been sleeping so well lately.
I have all of these dark thoughts. I wish I could just make them STOP!!!
-Ll
sorry no energy to reply in turn to all of you, who deserve it.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 10, 2008, at 18:32:46
In reply to Re: having a really hard time, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 8, 2008, at 18:22:10
pdoc just increased my zoloft from 50 to 100mg. I hope that helps with the depression. I tried to fight it for so long but Ive just given up in the last few days.
thank you all for your support. I'm going to lie in bed curled up until the zoloft kicks in. 2? 3? days?
llllll
should I call T?
Posted by Phillipa on February 10, 2008, at 18:42:06
In reply to zoloft » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by llurpsienoodle on February 10, 2008, at 18:32:46
Whens the last time you talked to T? Zoloft how fast did it kick in at 50mg? Love Phillipa
Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 10, 2008, at 18:52:29
In reply to Re: zoloft » llurpsienoodle, posted by Phillipa on February 10, 2008, at 18:42:06
zoloft took about 3-10? days to become effective last time.
I see T next thursday (V-day)
last appt. was last monday one week ago.
'''''
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on February 10, 2008, at 18:58:32
In reply to Re: zoloft » Phillipa, posted by llurpsienoodle on February 10, 2008, at 18:52:29
Li you like him and you two click right and right now sounds like hearing his voice could be a good thing. Hubby around? I don't like to see you alone if you're really depressed. Go ahead give him a call. I want you to feel better. Love Phillipa
Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 11, 2008, at 21:34:34
In reply to having a really hard time, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 7, 2008, at 17:16:55
He made me feel better, but told me that the best help for depression that HE knew of was to fake having a normal life with all our strength until it becomes easier and less forced.
I was crestfallen. I had hoped he had a better answer.
sigh.
there are no easy fixes.
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on February 11, 2008, at 22:14:33
In reply to t saw emergency noodle, posted by llurpsienoodle on February 11, 2008, at 21:34:34
Li I'm sorry how well I know. Love Phillipa
Posted by ClearSkies on February 12, 2008, at 7:11:12
In reply to t saw emergency noodle, posted by llurpsienoodle on February 11, 2008, at 21:34:34
> He made me feel better, but told me that the best help for depression that HE knew of was to fake having a normal life with all our strength until it becomes easier and less forced.
>
> I was crestfallen. I had hoped he had a better answer.
>
> sigh.
>
> there are no easy fixes.
>
> -LlNow isn't THAT interesting - my T has told me that my tendency to smile through the tough times (and bottle up my emotions in doing do) was indicative of my past codependent behavior. Sure feels like that - all those years of growing up in an alcoholic household and all of us family members pretending that nothing was wrong. My tendency now is to try to do the same, but the suffering inside is exponentially worse than when I was young. My resiliency, it would seem, has worn away to nothing.
I guess the answer is that there is a middle ground here. That we have to acknowledge that there is something wrong some days, but that we're not to give in to it? (But that doesn't feel right somehow either.) My T's advice has been to *not* try to smile through the hard times, but to honour them gently.
Surely both these wise people know what they're talking about - and surely you and I come from totally different experiences; but isn't it strange that we're getting opposite advice about depressed states?
What's your take on this?
CS
Posted by llurpsienoodLe on February 12, 2008, at 13:51:34
In reply to Re: t saw emergency noodle » llurpsienoodle, posted by ClearSkies on February 12, 2008, at 7:11:12
> > He made me feel better, but told me that the best help for depression that HE knew of was to fake having a normal life with all our strength until it becomes easier and less forced.
> >
> > I was crestfallen. I had hoped he had a better answer.
> >
> > sigh.
> >
> > there are no easy fixes.
> >
> > -Ll
>
> Now isn't THAT interesting - my T has told me that my tendency to smile through the tough times (and bottle up my emotions in doing do) was indicative of my past codependent behavior. Sure feels like that - all those years of growing up in an alcoholic household and all of us family members pretending that nothing was wrong. My tendency now is to try to do the same, but the suffering inside is exponentially worse than when I was young. My resiliency, it would seem, has worn away to nothing.And mine... :(
>
> I guess the answer is that there is a middle ground here. That we have to acknowledge that there is something wrong some days, but that we're not to give in to it? (But that doesn't feel right somehow either.) My T's advice has been to *not* try to smile through the hard times, but to honour them gently.
>
> Surely both these wise people know what they're talking about - and surely you and I come from totally different experiences; but isn't it strange that we're getting opposite advice about depressed states?
>I wonder whether my T really sees my pain sometimes. He was really quiet last session and seemed to have a distressed look on his face. there was one huge joke that made us both LourAO.
I will ask him next time. I have told him before that I am a good actress, but he says he can see through it, and that I am authentic underneath, not just a total fake, as I have feared in the past.
I wonder whether he thinks I'm malingering. He told me "I bet you'll feel better by Thursday", which sounds like a challenge to me. What if I don't get better? When is getting better a choice?
Does this make any sense. I am afraid to let my emotions get too authentic. I'm okay telling him I'm extremely anxious, but I have trouble showing him my shaking hands. I can tell him that I'm sad, but cannot cry. I can only laugh, and I laugh lots. or I stare away from him, ashamed of my own suffering.
thank you for coming back from babblebreak. missed you
-Ll
Posted by ClearSkies on February 12, 2008, at 14:49:55
In reply to Re: t saw emergency noodle » ClearSkies, posted by llurpsienoodLe on February 12, 2008, at 13:51:34
>
> I wonder whether my T really sees my pain sometimes. He was really quiet last session and seemed to have a distressed look on his face. there was one huge joke that made us both LourAO.
>This is important, Llurpsinoodle. My T has a certain gift, and that is that she is exquisitely sensitive to sensing my emotions at any given time. I don't even have to open my mouth and she is able to say, "there's something not right going on". Perhaps she's a great student of body language, but I think, more than that, she's a sensitive person - she's told me that she has to be careful how she schedules her clients so she doesn't burn herself out on any given day considering the type of clients she sees.
> I will ask him next time. I have told him before that I am a good actress, but he says he can see through it, and that I am authentic underneath, not just a total fake, as I have feared in the past.
>
> I wonder whether he thinks I'm malingering. He told me "I bet you'll feel better by Thursday", which sounds like a challenge to me. What if I don't get better? When is getting better a choice?
>I think it's more like he doesn't know you well enough to be able to pick up on your subtle clues - you and I both know that we're good at hiding our illnesses from the world; he doesn't know you well enough to realize how well you are hiding them from him? Not on purpose, Llurpsie, but because this is what we've been taught to do and we do it very well. I have a T who sees past my facade without my having to open my mouth - some might find that threatening; but I find it a huge comfort that she can see some things without me having to name them.
> Does this make any sense. I am afraid to let my emotions get too authentic. I'm okay telling him I'm extremely anxious, but I have trouble showing him my shaking hands. I can tell him that I'm sad, but cannot cry. I can only laugh, and I laugh lots. or I stare away from him, ashamed of my own suffering.
>Yes, of course it makes sense - for all our attachments to our T's, we daren't really show them how we're really feeling, do we? Because what if we did and they rejected us, as our families have done in the past? I know I've always have a big part of my suffering held in reserve from her, for all her insights reveal about me.
> thank you for coming back from babblebreak. missed you
>
> -Ll
>
>I'm relieved to be back :-)
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 14, 2008, at 6:41:11
In reply to Re: t saw emergency noodle » llurpsienoodLe, posted by ClearSkies on February 12, 2008, at 14:49:55
I always think of depression as this dark black bottomless pit. It's such an apt metaphor. I also think of it in terms of a thunderstorm, a tropical depression-- slow moving, destructive, impenetrable.
Well, I think that T and medication "caught" me before I sink too far into the pit. I feel somewhat better, and my suicidal ideation is improving.
I'm trying to take it easy on myself. but it is hard to tell where "taking it easy" ends and self-isolation begins. I guess one marker might be guilt.
Well, thank you all for your support. I needed it and you are much appreciated (((((babblers)))))
-Ll
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 15, 2008, at 7:12:04
In reply to update on my depression, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 14, 2008, at 6:41:11
Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer
The slings and arrows of outrageous fortune,
Or to take arms against a sea of troubles,
And by opposing end them? To die: to sleep;
No more; and by a sleep to say we end
The heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks
That flesh is heir to, 'tis a consummation
Devoutly to be wish'd. To die, to sleep;
To sleep: perchance to dream: ay, there's the rub;
For in that sleep of death what dreams may come
When we have shuffled off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause: there's the respect
That makes calamity of so long life;
For who would bear the whips and scorns of time,
The oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely,
The pangs of despised love, the law's delay,
The insolence of office and the spurns
That patient merit of the unworthy takes,
When he himself might his quietus make
With a bare bodkin? who would fardels bear,
To grunt and sweat under a weary life,
But that the dread of something after death,
The undiscover'd country from whose bourn
No traveller returns, puzzles the will
And makes us rather bear those ills we have
Than fly to others that we know not of?
Thus conscience does make cowards of us all;
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pith and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry,
And lose the name of action.
Posted by Sigismund on February 15, 2008, at 18:12:11
In reply to slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on February 15, 2008, at 7:12:04
In that book on depersonalisation (the name of which I have forgotten), this passage is quoted as an example of it.
Posted by llurpsienoodle on February 17, 2008, at 21:28:40
In reply to Re: slings and arrows of outrageous fortune » LlurpsieNoodle, posted by Sigismund on February 15, 2008, at 18:12:11
did you *really* forget the name of the book (wink!) ? ? ?
Maybe you'll only remember it when you revert back to your former posting name... hmmmm
I was in a very bad place when I wrote (or rather, pasted) this post in the first place. At least someone was reading what I could have never written.
-Lurp
This is the end of the thread.
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