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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Phoenix1 on January 17, 2008, at 9:01:46
Hello,
So I have had 2 sessions with a Psychologist specializing in CBT and IPT (Inter Personal Therapy). I'm not sure what to think. I'm not a good candidate for CBT apparently because I'm already very clear on what my irrational thinking is, and what healthy thoughts I should replace the irrational ones with. I just can't make the jump to make the healthy ones the automatic ones, and I have trouble stopping myself when the irrational side starts it's work. He thinks re-hashing this would be a waste of my time.
We haven't "clicked", is it too early to expect this?
He says I seem guarded, and like I'm trying to protect myself from something. He says he feels like it is more like an interview than therapy because I'm not opening up. I don't feel any hostility towards him but I don't trust him yet either. I don't trust people easily. I am answering his questions openly and honestly and trying to provide insight. I'm certainly not hiding anything. On the flip side of the coin, I'm not feeling much empathy from him. And I think that is what I respond to the most.
So I'm trying to be more open. Here's the weird thing. During both sessions, I was calm and collected, probably too much so. So I appear guarded because I don't show any emotion when discussing things that cause me pain. But after both sessions I went home and cried about things that had been brought up in therapy. For example, yesterday we talked about relationships, and how I have essentially no friends. Then, on the drive home I heard "the Only Living Boy in New York" on the radio and started crying. I feel so stupid about this. Because it's a song written by Simon to Garfunkel asking him to come back to New York. They were close friends, and Simon was hurt by Garfunkel when he left to pursue his movie career. Anyways, it made me very sad, lonely, longing for past friendships that have ended. Stupid thing to trigger it but anyways...
So on some level, the things we're talking about are getting to me. He doesn't see it because I appear so guarded.
So I guess I'm asking if I should know by now if he's going to be a good therapist fit for me by now? I can't afford too much, and he's not cheap. I'm not sure if we've accomplished anything productive, except that I leave feeling sad about issues we've discussed...
Sorry for the long long post, I'm just so confused right now.
Phoenix1
Posted by JoniS on January 17, 2008, at 9:30:59
In reply to New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by Phoenix1 on January 17, 2008, at 9:01:46
Phoenix
Here's my 2 cents from my own experience. I have never been told by a T that "...he feels like it is more like an interview than therapy because I'm not opening up..." That sounds to me like he's saying that you're not doing it right and you "should" be sensitive about how he feels. That is odd to me.
I don't think it is too early to expect that you could have "clicked" by now.
It is totally normal that you would be guarded and be slow to open up, and so your T should be totally accepting and patient and empathic about that. That reaction from him is how he builds a good relationship with you and begins to win your trust.
If you come away from your session with any feelings of "I should..." that were brought about by your T, that would be a flag for me. I would not go back. I could be mis-interpreting your experience, maybe he didn't make you feel that way.
I think it is also normal to have lots of emotion when you leave your session because of the thoughts and feelings that you were processing. That may not have much to do with your T relationship.
To summarize my 2 cents - Trust your inner feeling, intuition, gut feeling, whatever... about the T. If you don't click, look some more.
Good Luck,
Joni
ps this is really just my 2 cents. I'm sure you will want to consider what several experienced patients have to say.
Posted by raisinb on January 17, 2008, at 9:34:22
In reply to New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by Phoenix1 on January 17, 2008, at 9:01:46
Hey, here are my thoughts for what they are worth:
I know what you mean about "knowing" which thoughts are irrational, intellectually, yet not being able to make the jump, emotionally, to stopping them. I think that's one of the limitations of CBT and why it never worked for me. In that sense I can see what the T is saying.
It seems confusing to me that he's wanting you to open up emotionally after two sessions. I haven't done this totally after two and a half years! I have trust issues, of course--but even if I didn't, it doesn't seem as if it would be feasible to show strong emotion in front of someone after two sessions.
As for clicking, I didn't click with my T until about six weeks into it, when she made one interpretation that was stunningly accurate and triggered all kinds of things in me. It's funny to think how much can emerge from one (I'm sure, well-meaning) statement.
Posted by rskontos on January 17, 2008, at 9:55:38
In reply to Re: New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by raisinb on January 17, 2008, at 9:34:22
Phoenix, I too have deeply rooted trust issues and my t who is my p-doc knows this and accepts it readily. I however only clicked with him on a professional level because he understands my disorder. I have only told him some of my "stuff" after 5 sessions. I don't feel emotional about him if that is the click you mean. How do you want to click. I just needed professional help. This is my second try at a therapist he just happens to be a p-doc. He just happens to be one that specializes in my type of disorder for which I got lucky and he is not taking on new patients but he did me.
Now I think this new guy did bring out things in therapy and that is why you are sad after. I think for those of us with deeply rooted issues we must just decide to trust someone. Whether we click of not. Here is why, we can after so long of not trusting anyone, we can find a reason to not trust anyone. I know I can. I can pick apart anyone for any reason. I can find it. This is to keep my secrets mine. So for me, I knew I needed professional help and fast or I would disappear because with my dissociation I would eventually become a empty vessel and my emotions would become a thing of the past. Trust is something that must be earned so how can he earn it if you don't open up and give him something to begin with. It is a give and take arrangement and you must venture out with something. It does not have to be a big one at first. Start small but start somewhere. You owe it yourself and to your family (I have read some of your earlier posts and remember). It is hard, it hurts but it is necessary. I know it is struggle and struggle with it daily too. While each time I go to therapy I begin all over again. My inside folks don't like I am going to therapy and share something with this p-doc, stuff we have spent our life hiding but I still do this despite the struggle with trusting him. So for clicking, I just trust that the click will come and it did. So I would just not worry to much. I would though tell him how you feel about certain things he said that make you uncomfortable. If he doesn't respond in a way that helps the interaction between you, then you might have to do something. My new doc says that the most important thing between him and I is connection. That is what you and you T need to stay or become is connected. But you need to open up some to start the process. It is hard, it difficult but necessary. Good luck, I know what a struggle it is but it does have payoffs. rsk
Let me know how it goes.
Posted by muffled on January 17, 2008, at 10:19:15
In reply to New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by Phoenix1 on January 17, 2008, at 9:01:46
Sigh Phoenix, its a really tough call....
At this point I guess you can really only go by credentials and what you sense from him...
Its hard to judge just from one side.
Could you bring this very topic up w/your T? Say how DO I know if your the one for me? Maybe you could ask him about his general T 'style' more? and see if that works for you?
Does he appreciate feedback? I think this is huge if they do. My T loves it when I give feedback, even if it seems unkind about her, cuz then she is better able to do her job.
I dunno why T expects you to just spill? Took me a long time too. Years really. I still don't talk well face to face. Better with the written word am I.
So, I guess your just gonna have to keep trying unless there is some huge alarm bells going off for you gaianst him? But I would ask LOTSA questions , ANY that you have of him. Be bold and straighforward as possible. Thats the best way to tell.
I hope this can work out for you.
T hunting sucks.
M
Posted by Phillipa on January 17, 2008, at 12:13:36
In reply to Re: New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by raisinb on January 17, 2008, at 9:34:22
Same here. I was terrified for about two months and only seeing her every three weeks. Now I think she's beginning to understand me and is now offering every two weeks so I think that is good? Anyone else think so? I'd give it a while and tell her how you feel mine asked me how I felt and I told her and that is making it better I think. Still reserved. Phillipa also new to it relatively
Posted by Phillipa on January 17, 2008, at 12:15:29
In reply to Re: New to Therapy, New T » Phoenix1, posted by muffled on January 17, 2008, at 10:19:15
Oh definitely looking is so hard. Phillipa
Posted by sunnydays on January 17, 2008, at 17:45:42
In reply to New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by Phoenix1 on January 17, 2008, at 9:01:46
> Hello,
>
> So I have had 2 sessions with a Psychologist specializing in CBT and IPT (Inter Personal Therapy). I'm not sure what to think. I'm not a good candidate for CBT apparently because I'm already very clear on what my irrational thinking is, and what healthy thoughts I should replace the irrational ones with. I just can't make the jump to make the healthy ones the automatic ones, and I have trouble stopping myself when the irrational side starts it's work. He thinks re-hashing this would be a waste of my time.*** He's probably right.
>
> We haven't "clicked", is it too early to expect this?
>**** Well, do you feel safe there? Do you feel like he has your best interests in mind? Or just like client # 17565. The 'magic' of therapy doesn't come very often, but there should be some sort of feeling of rapport, some sort of feeling of safety. Give it a couple more sessions and see if you feel anything, then you may want to ask for referrals.
> He says I seem guarded, and like I'm trying to protect myself from something. He says he feels like it is more like an interview than therapy because I'm not opening up.
**** OMG! My T said the EXACT same thing to me early in my therapy. And we get along great now. He said it felt more like question and answer, which was fine, but eventually the goal was for me to just come in and talk and him comment more rarely. I just didn't know what was ok to say and what wasn't (I now know everything is). I think that the opening up will come as you build more trust and have a better idea of what he's like and what therapy can do for you. So don't pressure yourself there. It will come when it's ready.
I don't feel any hostility towards him but I don't trust him yet either. I don't trust people easily. I am answering his questions openly and honestly and trying to provide insight. I'm certainly not hiding anything. On the flip side of the coin, I'm not feeling much empathy from him. And I think that is what I respond to the most.
**** Like I said above, sometimes that can take a while to develop. And if it's hard for you to express emotions, like it was for me, it's hard for other people (even Ts) to connect to that sometimes. Just stick in there with it and keep trying. It took me a while, but eventually I got more comfortable. Two hours with someone is not enough time to expect to trust enough to share your deepest darkest feelings.
Can you tell him you have felt sad after leaving session, about your reaction to the song, about your thoughts? That might be a way to be more open, and also to get the process going more. That's what therapy is - talking about everyday ordinary stuff that we might think is stupid or insignificant but that causes us distress. T's usually can give us some insight and better coping.
sunnydays
Posted by star008 on January 17, 2008, at 19:23:28
In reply to New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by Phoenix1 on January 17, 2008, at 9:01:46
Phoenix,
It is so hard to go to a new T. A couple of sessions isn't much and I know how hard it is to open up to someone. I don't think I would have liked his comment about it being like a job interview but it depends on how he said it.
I think sunnydays has a good point.. Tell him how sad you felt.. it might open things up for you with him.. If it isn't a good match there are others out there and u can find the right one for you..
Posted by MissK on January 17, 2008, at 20:42:29
In reply to New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by Phoenix1 on January 17, 2008, at 9:01:46
>So I have had 2 sessions with a Psychologist specializing in CBT and IPT (Inter Personal Therapy).
> I'm not a good candidate for CBT apparently
Why did you choose this particular therapist?
>For example, yesterday we talked about relationships, and how I have essentially no friends
What was his response and did you find it helped, or not that much.
>But after both sessions I went home and cried about things
This will happen as you process your experience of talking about your issues. I call it therapy hangover, and I will usually bring up what continues to bother me from one session to the next.
>He says he feels like it is more like an interview than therapy because I'm not opening up.
I agree with others that this is not very sympathetic on his part.
>So I guess I'm asking if I should know by now if he's going to be a good therapist fit for me by now?
I knew in the first session that my T was able and competent to deal with my issues and in teh pace I presented them just in how she responded to what I was saying and what she offered by way of psychological explanations and connections of what I was dealing with.
I didn't look for any therapy speciality per se. I looked in the phone book for psychologists. I eventually called the person who would be my T, explained what I was looking for in terms of what my problems were and what I wanted to do in therapy and asked her if she did the kind of thing I was asking. She said yes and it's worked out.
Do you think you explained well enough to this T what you want to do in therapy? Has he explained well enough to you what it is that he does? Do they match.
I might give it another session or two, but if after that you still don't feel like you are getting a response that is helpful, I would say look elsewhere. It may just be that what you want and need to do in therapy and what he does as therapy don't match.
Good luck, and keep in mind you will process alot of thoughts and feelings in between sessions that may make you think you are getting worse than better. It does get better.
Posted by MissK on January 17, 2008, at 20:51:12
In reply to New to Therapy, New T - Please Help (long), posted by Phoenix1 on January 17, 2008, at 9:01:46
... it came to me after I posted. What made me realize in that first session that it would work with her is that I felt like she really heard me and understood me/my problems in what she was saying back to me. If you are not getting that in another session or two, then re evaluate if this is the right T for you.
This is the end of the thread.
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