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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 15:04:02
the other thing i tried to get therapist to understand is i am either numb with no feelings or i am huge with emotions that choke me
i can not maintain a balance
i feel like i have to have no emotions to get through a day because the emotions choke out everything else
how do you deal with that
i dont keep the emotions they reside in my parts and i don't control them yet and yet i am suppose to be controlling them i don't know how right now
hel* i don't even know all of them
yes we are starting to have conversations but that is only a few
is there anyone else that is like this i feel like a black and while movie
and that is another thing i feel almost separate from my body
i know what it is but what do you do about thati still from crazy or at best spinning out of control in my head
rk
Posted by lovelorn on December 14, 2007, at 15:33:38
In reply to one more thing......tried to get therapist to see, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 15:04:02
>i dont keep the emotions they reside in my parts and i don't control them yet
You do control them, by numbing them completely out.
>i can not maintain a balance
...and yet i am suppose to be controlling them i don't know how right nowBalance and manage. You cannot manage them or control their intensity (balance) - i.e. you do not know what to do with them or how to channel them, or maybe don't even know what the heck they are for. It may be scary, but to really control or manage something, you have to understand it. I think you will only be able to manage your emotions once you experience them and can understand what they mean and why you have them.
>and that is another thing i feel almost separate from my body - i know what it is but what do you do about that
I wish I had an answer. I don't. I don't experience what you experience. Ask your T or a pdoc specifically that question: What do I do about that.
>i still from crazy or at best spinning out of control in my head
I sincerely hope not, rsk. I hope with continued therapy you will get a better handle on those feelings. It is interesting because you say in your other posts you want so much to remember. The mind has a way of giving us what we want. After reading your other posts, I am wondering if your present difficulties may be your mind's way of preparing you for what you want to happen and so why you are experiencing increased switching and having a sense of so much being close-to-the-surface, or as you said 'hovering'.
As for seeing a pdoc. I think that would be a good idea. It doesn't hurt to get the advice and counsel of a psychiatrist, particularly since you have a psychiatric condition of DID. If you are thinking of getting a medication, ask yourself what symptom/symptoms you would like the medication for and to communicate that clearly to the pdoc.
Posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 15:47:39
In reply to Re: one more thing......tried to get therapist to see » rskontos, posted by lovelorn on December 14, 2007, at 15:33:38
thanks lovelorn
you are a voice of reason in this and I will print off your words. They helped so much. I do want to remember i think it is critical to getting better even if my t doesn't. I dont think i can understand all this emotion if i can t remember what causes the emotions. right now i am crying what for. the crying is coming from a little one that was hurt badly. how i don't know. i mean i have the feelings of the hurt. lately i feel the pain in the stomach, the tight chest, the hard to breathe. You know the pain of the trauma without remember what is happening just feeling like i am there. that is happening almost daily. yesterday going to pick up my son i was driving and a smell in the air whipped me back to some day something bad was happening i could smell that smell and i could feel the bad hurts, the stomach pain, the i can't breathe, the heaviness in my chest but i don't remember what the event was. my mind is still blank. I will be standing at the mirror getting dressed to go somewhere like the grocery and it will happen or i will get that out of body experience again. I left my body as a child, teenager and 20 yr old so often i can't tell you. I lost so much time. Whoever was present during that time i haven't met she got me through it, or shes got me through those times. And no one knew the difference.I agree with your statement to control or manage something you have to understand it and i don't because i don't remember. I know partially why i have them because growing up was painfully hard and unstable with my parents. what exactly went on i dissociated from because it was too bad and unstable. I also fainted alot. I was a mess. still am. the separateness from my body is called depersonalization and that means feeling unreal, removed from one's self and detached from one's physical and mental processes. LIke watching your life as if it were a movie. This is me. Yesterday during therapy it was like i was watching and listening to it like in a tunnel or one of those toy a kid has that has the colored shapes at one end.
Anyway, thanks so very much for listening. It helps knowing someone is out there. And i am not so alone....rk
Posted by muffled on December 14, 2007, at 16:14:36
In reply to one more thing......tried to get therapist to see, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 15:04:02
I struggle with emotions too.
I write to my T.."I do not hurt".
Cuz I don't.
But another time I write..."I am struggling".
This confuses me greatly.
Separatre from body.
For me, it comes of being overwhelmed.
I dissociate.
IMHO which may be wrong, I think meds can help.
If any possibility to slow down, that can help.
Just know this, that it does pass.
Sometimes at worst crazyhead times, I sit and I rock and just rock and rock.
After I time I sleep. I think mebbe your T smart, but methinks theres nothing wrong with meds.
I don't understand no meds.
One time I was stoned and laughing my head off cuz I wondered if alla me was stoned!!
Not all same in diff ways, it was funny.
But nothing bad.
Not fair to you to not get a break.
Hang in there.
Maybe warm baths, music, excerise, baking....
Wished I sould be more useful.
((Rsk)))
M
Posted by lovelorn on December 14, 2007, at 18:33:37
In reply to Re: one more thing......tried to get therapist to » lovelorn, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 15:47:39
>I dont think i can understand all this emotion if i can t remember what causes the emotions. right now i am crying what for. the crying is coming from a little one that was hurt badly. how i don't know. i mean i have the feelings of the hurt. lately i feel the pain in the stomach, the tight chest, the hard to breathe. You know the pain of the trauma without remember what is happening just feeling like i am there.
Yes, I do know what you mean by the pain of trauma without remembering and just feeling like I am there. I've experienced that when I go into my regressed mind that I have spoken of in other posts. When you feel like that - when you are "there" -just let whatever words come to mind out, even if they may just be sounds at first. Based on what comes out you can will get a picture or an idea of what it may mean or what it may refer to.
Posted by I need a hug on December 14, 2007, at 18:57:43
In reply to Re: one more thing......tried to get therapist to see » rskontos, posted by lovelorn on December 14, 2007, at 15:33:38
RSK,
I just read this and Lovelorn brought up a terrific point! What symptom/symptoms would you like the medication for? Depression? Anxiety? Insomnia? As I mentioned on your other thread, I've tried a ton of drugs. For me, seroquel has worked best for sleep. I take ativan for anxiety. Considering your current state, medications for anxiety and/or depression could be effective. Just a thought. GOOD LUCK! HUGS
Posted by rskontos on December 15, 2007, at 21:19:25
In reply to Re: one more thing......tried to get therapist to see, posted by I need a hug on December 14, 2007, at 18:57:43
thank you hugs. I guess anxiety is the one that seems to be bothering me the most. I am not sure if depression is an issue more than anxiety. More to think about.
I think something to take when I am anxious versus something to be on all the time.
anyway thank you so much for the reply an d concern.
rk
Posted by rskontos on December 15, 2007, at 21:20:48
In reply to Re: one more thing......tried to get therapist to » rskontos, posted by lovelorn on December 14, 2007, at 18:33:37
It really helps to know that I am not alone. But I am also sad that I have company. A double edged sword I guess.
Thanks alot for being here when I needed a friend.
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 15, 2007, at 21:22:32
In reply to Re: one more thing......tried to get therapist to see, posted by muffled on December 14, 2007, at 16:14:36
Oh muffled I always look forward to your responses and they
are always helpful.I think maybe something to take when I get like this would be
useful. I don't know what but something and so I think I need a p-doc for thatI will be call on monday
thanks for taking the time to be a friend and ask my pleas of help.
rsk
Posted by I need a hug on December 17, 2007, at 2:08:43
In reply to Re: one more thing......tried to get therapist to » lovelorn, posted by rskontos on December 14, 2007, at 15:47:39
RSK,
It would be GREAT if you could find something that you only have to take as needed. You are definitely displaying signs of anxiety with the difficulty breathing and heaviness in your chest. This is just my opinion but a benzo PRN or maybe even on a regular basis to start out, may help you relax and get some rest. Hopefully, once your body is relaxed your mind will follow and you will be able to move forward in your journey of discovering the beautiful person that I know you are. HUGS
Posted by muffled on December 17, 2007, at 21:35:27
In reply to Re: one more thing......tried to get therapist to » muffled, posted by rskontos on December 15, 2007, at 21:22:32
Posted by rskontos on December 18, 2007, at 18:41:44
In reply to You get a p-doc appt??? (nm) » rskontos, posted by muffled on December 17, 2007, at 21:35:27
no he hasn't answer and i try not to take personally i try to say it is holidays and i will try again
i have lady p-doc i will try tomorrow i thought i wanted man to try but who knows i need something i think for anxiety is realllllly high now
thanks fo r asking muffled i look here but not posting alot lots of triggers
i am sad that maxi cuts makes me cry for her makes me want to beg her to stop i sad
i got sad bout littleone (b2c) and hurt that maybe i hurt her so i am hiding some right now
my littleones are so sad too
sunnydays is sad it makes me sad.
nasty one is close and she makes everyone scared. when she is out something bad happens you never know and we all hide. best to hid e when she is out you never know what will happen
mom hides when she comes too. sometimes mom faints we don't know what to do then.lots of people sad. mom said because no presents were sent for her. mom says we should post but we want to talk some too.
we are sur bout p-doc maybe he lock us up maybe that is good we dont' know .
we dont know much
we are tired and scared. thoughsorry but thanks for taking time to talk muffled and ask mom likes you bye
Posted by sunnydays on December 18, 2007, at 19:47:12
In reply to Re: You get a p-doc appt???, posted by rskontos on December 18, 2007, at 18:41:44
don't be sad about me. I'm feeling a little better now. And I'll be fine. I always am. Take care of yourself. If you could get a benzo to take PRN, that would be great. I have Xanax and I've only taken it twice in the past month and a half, but knowing it is there if I need it helps a lot. And taking it is wonderful, of course...
I'm sorry your littleones are sad. They can come and hide with me and little b2c in our bubble, as long as it's ok with b2c. Or we can have our own bubble.
sunnydays
Posted by lovelorn on December 18, 2007, at 20:37:53
In reply to Re: You get a p-doc appt???, posted by rskontos on December 18, 2007, at 18:41:44
>we are tired and scared.
My heart goes out to you, rsk. I hope you are able to find/give yourself some comfort in mind.
Posted by rskontos on December 19, 2007, at 8:19:47
In reply to Re: You get a p-doc appt??? » rskontos, posted by sunnydays on December 18, 2007, at 19:47:12
Thank you sunnydays, I am glad you are better. I am trying to get into a p-doc to get something to take to get the anxiety down a notch.
Thanks for inviting my littleones in to the bubble. I couldn't fight them any longer and am a little embarrassed but what the heck. They are with me almost all the time now. Hovering in the background and chattering or crying so I let them out to talk. I am confused right now.
Anyway thanks , I want some wonderful...
rsk
Posted by rskontos on December 19, 2007, at 8:20:33
In reply to Re: You get a p-doc appt??? » rskontos, posted by lovelorn on December 18, 2007, at 20:37:53
Lovelorn, thanks for the reply. I am trying..........rsk
Posted by muffled on December 19, 2007, at 12:00:35
In reply to Re: You get a p-doc appt??? » lovelorn, posted by rskontos on December 19, 2007, at 8:20:33
I hope you can get some meds Rsk.
Hows it going?
Are you able to relax somehow at all?
Sometimes benedryl can be calming, though in the higher dose range it does NOT agree with me at all. But low dose is OK.
I find it especially hard when Ikids are around alot.
Try to relax as much as you can.
I think stress brings on more switching.
Keep yourself safe, and if it ever gets real bad, sometimes a short hospital stay can do wonders as far as trying out some meds in a safe place and finding out what works best for you.
I think its nice for your ikid to come and say hi. I think its nice she trusts us enuf to do so. I also think she seems very smart and welll spoken....maybe you could work with the kid that wrote here? She seems smart....
Anyways.
Hope you can have some moments of peace.
Yes, it IS hard.
Its hard, but we gonna do what we need to do to take care of ourselves and be safe and get thru this crazy muddle and get straightened out.
I think the big thing it to try to relax as much as possible, and if you got others to lean on, do so as needed. Let them know you are struggling and need comfort.
Take good care RSk.
M
Posted by rskontos on December 19, 2007, at 19:18:11
In reply to Re: You get a p-doc appt??? » rskontos, posted by muffled on December 19, 2007, at 12:00:35
Hey muffled I called my neuro whom I trust and asked her for a referral to a p-doc but she didn't call back. I guess the holidays have everyone gone for the day. So I will call back myself to see. I do have one more name I can call and I will call the other name again too.
I am little scare to see p-doc though I admit. What if new doc thinks I am crazy. I mean too crazy. that is my worry. I so what if he thinks that i think that.
I have been taking 1 1/2 benedryl at night to help. And that does. I am trying to stay calm. I am trying to dissociate some too. I think sometimes I want to go to the hospital. if i didn't try so hard to hang in I would be looney i think. But I keep trying. Today was better. Not so empty feeling a little normal cause I did normal things. Wrote my christmas cards, mailed my nephews christmas presents, which meant I went to a store big deal for me and I went to the grocery store the first day I said I was ( usually takes me 3-5 days to get there). I hate stores with people in them. Well what other kind is there?Sometimes I want to go with you to that bridge. You know the one you went to. I am sorry I should not say that.
Yeah I think it is good for them to get a chance to be out but it makes me feel weird to look at it online. But it is ok I think. I need to do something and stopping them only makes it worse. But more of them want a turn now. Some aren't nice, smart but not nice. Peace might be a hard time from now.
I will stay sane and safe I hope. Take care.....you are the best. All of you are....thanks for all my replies...
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