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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on December 11, 2007, at 22:35:48
Last email she say she gonna bring drawing stuff.For kid to draw if she don't talk. So I freaking out cuz weird for me.
I take coat off and HIDE the drawing stuff. Ha.
So, so I did, I did consciously allow myself back to let someone else talk to T. I filtered at first, but then it was all the other one. But I think I was around. But I remember some bits but other stuff is there, well, the time doesn't quite make sense or maybe, well, well I dunno, but I wish I could remmeber better. I always send email after session to write what I remmeber, but I didn't remeber to well. And T said back that I wasn't an *ss but we had a straight up conversation only. Very straight up she wrote. Sh*t and what does that MEAN? So I worte back and say WTF that mean????? I don't think I said anything I never said before I don't think.
So I feel like a total freak of nature. And I bothered cuz I not sure what I said.
I will go to bed and try hard to remmember. Sometimes it does come back to me some. Sometimes it doesn't.
Its sorta like echoes or something. I can catch glimpses. I gonna goto bed and try and remember.
Other than babble, this lady is the ONLY person in the whole WORLD that knows I am what I am. She the only person in the whole WORLD, that I ever showed a diff part to and let it happen on purpose, and didn't try and stop it even though I knew what was happening.
Mebbe thats why she wanted to give me an arm punch-a croney gesture of affection. I let her. It was wimpy.
She sure a brave T OK. She said I wasn't a weirdo. I felt so bad after, but I OK now I guess.
I dunno what to think.
Just wanted to tell you guys is all.
I proly gonna babble less cuz I got so much to do. I not been getting stuff done.
T got me to promise to phone her B4 I drink. Man she slick. I keep promises, my word is good. WTF, I DON'T wanna phone her and say such a thing. So I stuck. MANOMAN that T is slick.....
This is gonna be so friggin hard to do.
M
Posted by littleone on December 11, 2007, at 23:21:40
In reply to I went to T, posted by muffled on December 11, 2007, at 22:35:48
I like your T!
So did you end up drawing? Or did that go out the window when your T couldn't find the drawing stuff?
If you're worried about what the other one said and can't end up remembering, you could try writing to that kid and asking her what she said. See if she writes back. Maybe, maybe not. But it would be interesting to see if it worked for you or not.
> Other than babble, this lady is the ONLY person in the whole WORLD that knows I am what I am. She the only person in the whole WORLD, that I ever showed a diff part to and let it happen on purpose, and didn't try and stop it even though I knew what was happening.
Proof that you're building trust up here. Take a little risk and see how it goes, take another risk and see how it goes, and so on until you take this huge risk. And yes it is scary and worrying because it is a risk. But your earlier risks have made it less risky and more manageable. It's such a great indicator of how far you've come muffled.
> Mebbe thats why she wanted to give me an arm punch-a croney gesture of affection. I let her. It was wimpy.
This made me laugh :) Yes maybe you're t is whimpy physically, but she seems to be pretty good at mind wrestling.
> Just wanted to tell you guys is all.
Thank you for sharing. I love hearing how you're going.
> T got me to promise to phone her B4 I drink. Man she slick. I keep promises, my word is good. WTF, I DON'T wanna phone her and say such a thing. So I stuck. MANOMAN that T is slick.....
And now it's here for all of babble to see. Proof that you won't drink unless you call your T first. Cannot back out of that one muffled.
> This is gonna be so friggin hard to do.
Yeah, but beating it will be so good for you in the long run. Make sure you keep a list handy of coping mechanisms that will help when you're finding it hard.
Posted by muffled on December 12, 2007, at 9:49:17
In reply to Re: I went to T » muffled, posted by littleone on December 11, 2007, at 23:21:40
> I like your T!
*ya, she seems OK all right
> So did you end up drawing? Or did that go out the window when your T couldn't find the drawing stuff?*LOL! I dunno if she forgot,cuz they HIDDEN! or mebbe cuz I was talking or something so she let it go? I don't know,
> If you're worried about what the other one said and can't end up remembering, you could try writing to that kid and asking her what she said. See if she writes back. Maybe, maybe not. But it would be interesting to see if it worked for you or not.*I haven't tried that yet. I don't remember still. Its really bothering me. When I was first going to T I usu didn't remmeber much sessions, I blanked out alot, but I haven't been blanking out lately, and I DON'T like to not remmeber. I guess B4 I wasn't so worried bout what I might say and now I am.
> > Other than babble, this lady is the ONLY person in the whole WORLD that knows I am what I am. She the only person in the whole WORLD, that I ever showed a diff part to and let it happen on purpose, and didn't try and stop it even though I knew what was happening.
>
> Proof that you're building trust up here. Take a little risk and see how it goes, take another risk and see how it goes, and so on until you take this huge risk. And yes it is scary and worrying because it is a risk. But your earlier risks have made it less risky and more manageable. It's such a great indicator of how far you've come muffled.*Yeah, your right, progress I guess. Thanks for reminding me. I never in a million years would have beleived I could do such a thing as I did. Partly cuz I still deny, partly cuz it takes alot of trust. I DID also mention in my email that I am NOT defenceless, to remind her....
> > Mebbe thats why she wanted to give me an arm punch-a croney gesture of affection. I let her. It was wimpy.
>
> This made me laugh :) Yes maybe you're t is whimpy physically, but she seems to be pretty good at mind wrestling.*Ya, she smart OK. LOL, it IS funny. ROFL I wonder if she LIKES this stuff that T, like its a challenge or something.
Though I shared Daisys post w/her, bout how T's sometimes back off cuz they don't like to see their clients uncomfortable. And my T admitted that she was guilty of that. She said it was a fine balance btwn pushing too hard, or not enuf. So mebbe she just HATES it like me.
> > Just wanted to tell you guys is all.
>
> Thank you for sharing. I love hearing how you're going.*Thanks. I like to hear about how peoples sessions went too.
> > T got me to promise to phone her B4 I drink. Man she slick. I keep promises, my word is good. WTF, I DON'T wanna phone her and say such a thing. So I stuck. MANOMAN that T is slick.....
>
> And now it's here for all of babble to see. Proof that you won't drink unless you call your T first. Cannot back out of that one muffled.*Sigh, no, I cannot back out of this one...though my crafty mind is thinking....hmmmm...I'll phone when she not likely to answer and HA! Too late, I DID phone HA! But I won't I guess, cuz if she answers,THEN WTF I gonna say??? She hates hangups, so I don't do that to her. UGH.
> > This is gonna be so friggin hard to do.
>
> Yeah, but beating it will be so good for you in the long run. Make sure you keep a list handy of coping mechanisms that will help when you're finding it hard.*Yeah, its for the best. Thats why I told her bout that I would stand by my word. I basically handed her the weapon...so I cannot knock her for utilizing it. Some part of me obvo wants her to. I guess I been getting a little scared.
Too much at once. Memorie pics, reality of them, splitness, the reality of it(though deep down I STILL stubbornly deny). Emotions and stuff. So much stuff.
Anyhow.
Its seems a slow process.
My T's emails seem to regularly contain the words "I know its been hard for you lately". I am getting VERY tired of hearing that....
Anyhow, on I go.
Take care, gotta run.
M
Posted by rskontos on December 12, 2007, at 10:35:14
In reply to Re: I went to T » littleone, posted by muffled on December 12, 2007, at 9:49:17
Muffled, I told you it is ok to show this to T because ikid needs to have her say and you did it. Ikid knows now that she can trust you and t and can say what she needs to when she needs to. Maybe next time you can stay to hear it not go away. ikid is still protecting you so tell her you can take hearing what she is saying that you need to. For both of you. T will tell you when she needs to what you said. Maybe it wasn't important what you said when you were gone what was important was that ikid got HEARD and her time to be out when she wanted and to talk. Ask your T bout that. If ikid knows you won't try to control her and smash her then she will be more willing to work with you and cooperate.
I hope I am right. Remember I am not under control either. This is all my hope. Tomorrow I am going to let things just flow. I am thinking maybe it is ok to be triggered so I remember faster. I don't know.
I think you are going to be ok.
((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))
rk
Posted by star008 on December 12, 2007, at 12:35:03
In reply to I went to T, posted by muffled on December 11, 2007, at 22:35:48
haha muffled..takes one drunk to know another.. I thought you might be drinking a bit too much.. I did too and sometimes once in a while I have a few.. I am a full-blown alcoholic but I have beena ble to get away wth drinking once ina while.. probably helps that it makes me sick..You don't know it yet, you will though, that it f##ks up your thinking.. Life isn't easier without drinking but you don't get more of the added on stuff that it causes..I relapsed after almost 12 years a few months ago. It was like I just couldn't take it anymore.. Just needed an escape.
You don't know what it does to you till you quit so you have to take my word for it:)..I laughed about you covering the drawing stuff up.. Sneaky little kids did it;)..She is isn't so bad, she is funny too..
I don't remember alot of my stuff either when I let another talk.. I do remember but it is kind of foggy and some things I need to be reminded of..Most of the time those are hard sessions and it takes me a few days to recover.
No One knows about my ikids either..Who the h..ll would understand that but babble people?? everyone else would think we were nuts. But you know,, we know about yours and still we come back to talk to you and support you.. We like you and we understand the Ikids and being confused. YOu aren't any more a weirdo than anyone else..We are the weirdos that know they are sick and are working on it..The world is full of "normal" weirdo people walking around in their f@@cked up lives.. Our reactions to things that happened in our lives is perfectly normal.. It is normal to split off when there is too much trauma.. So many things can be trauma to a kid too.. Ever notice how some kids are so sensitive that they get really hurt when they are reprimanded and others don't seem to care?? We are the ones who were hurt so easily.. It is not a fault..We are just wired that way,.
I don't know wtf a straight-up converstaion means either.. maybe you just gave facts without emotion?? She didn't mean anything bad by it so ask her..
If you can't be on will you at least send some one-liners so I know you are okay?? I worry about you.. I know where you are and how it feels.
I will still let you know where I am with things now but this is getting to be too long.. Later I will write one.. look for it.. But muffled there is no easy way through the pain... It can be easier than we make it on ourselves sometimes but it is still hard and takes so long...
Posted by muffled on December 12, 2007, at 13:11:19
In reply to Re: I went to T » muffled, posted by star008 on December 12, 2007, at 12:35:03
> haha muffled..takes one drunk to know another.. I thought you might be drinking a bit too much.. I did too and sometimes once in a while I have a few.. I am a full-blown alcoholic but I have beena ble to get away wth drinking once ina while.. probably helps that it makes me sick..You don't know it yet, you will though, that it f##ks up your thinking.. Life isn't easier without drinking but you don't get more of the added on stuff that it causes..I relapsed after almost 12 years a few months ago. It was like I just couldn't take it anymore.. Just needed an escape.
> You don't know what it does to you till you quit so you have to take my word for it:)..*I an alcoholic too. Was dry bout...mebbe 11 yrs?
I startign to realize its a prob, cuz it really bugging me to stop. I was a binge drinker too towards the end. Messed my liver some. I KNOW its wrong, but just like you said....I just wanted to escape...EXACTLY.
I am sure it F's up my thinking but not sure exactly how, but it don't work like it used to, the alcohol. I thot it might be good again after this many years but its not really. But don't stop me from trying, cuz its still in my head as how when I was a kid it was like a magic elixir. My T said all the right addictions stuff at my last session.
Stuff I knew after all the treatment I went thru, but I was managing to ignore...> I laughed about you covering the drawing stuff up.. Sneaky little kids did it;)..She is isn't so bad, she is funny too..
*Ya, T most always gets one of my kids laughing, she WAY too funny.
> I don't remember alot of my stuff either when I let another talk.. I do remember but it is kind of foggy and some things I need to be reminded of..Most of the time those are hard sessions and it takes me a few days to recover.*Yeah. I bounced back fairly quick after this one. By today I am fine. I think it wasn't hard for content. It was just hard for me to allow another one out, and just let it be so.
I felt like such a nuthead. T was real good bout it though. I have no idea of how she looked cuz I NEVER looked at her the entire session.
> No One knows about my ikids either..Who the h..ll would understand that but babble people?? everyone else would think we were nuts. But you know,, we know about yours and still we come back to talk to you and support you.. We like you and we understand the Ikids and being confused. YOu aren't any more a weirdo than anyone else..We are the weirdos that know they are sick and are working on it..The world is full of "normal" weirdo people walking around in their f@@cked up lives.. Our reactions to things that happened in our lives is perfectly normal.. It is normal to split off when there is too much trauma.. So many things can be trauma to a kid too.. Ever notice how some kids are so sensitive that they get really hurt when they are reprimanded and others don't seem to care?? We are the ones who were hurt so easily.. It is not a fault..We are just wired that way,.*you a smart cookie star. You'd proly make a good T!!!
> I don't know wtf a straight-up converstaion means either.. maybe you just gave facts without emotion?? She didn't mean anything bad by it so ask her..*Ya I sent email. She sent one back. It actually was good, but part of it annoyed me, so I sent another one, and then i say I send no more and I will shut TF up.
> If you can't be on will you at least send some one-liners so I know you are okay?? I worry about you.. I know where you are and how it feels.
*Thanks star, I appreciate that. I rarely stay away long. Just sometimes I get kinda addicted to computer so I goto back away.
Don't worry none bout me. I have had somewhat crazy times in my life, but I survived. Here I am.> I will still let you know where I am with things now but this is getting to be too long.. Later I will write one.. look for it.. But muffled there is no easy way through the pain... It can be easier than we make it on ourselves sometimes but it is still hard and takes so long...
*No easy way. Guess I just goto accept that the way i've had to just accept so many damn things in the last while.
I wish it was more clear as to how we DO the healing thing, so i could fastrac the process. I just feel like I must be such a damn drag as a client cuz I so wimpy and stupid lately. I would hate to think I was the client my T dreads to see. I started out seemingly so average, but then all whats really there is showing, and I feel like a shitball. My T proly thot I was a nice lady, and now she proly thinks WTF, I wish she'd never come here.
It just seems so SLOW.
Once a week, then wait. Stew, wonder.
Arrrggghhh.
Mayhap I a tad grumpy????
LOL.
M
Posted by muffled on December 12, 2007, at 13:14:17
In reply to Re: I went to T » muffled, posted by rskontos on December 12, 2007, at 10:35:14
> Muffled, I told you it is ok to show this to T because ikid needs to have her say and you did it. Ikid knows now that she can trust you and t and can say what she needs to when she needs to. Maybe next time you can stay to hear it not go away. ikid is still protecting you so tell her you can take hearing what she is saying that you need to. For both of you. T will tell you when she needs to what you said. Maybe it wasn't important what you said when you were gone what was important was that ikid got HEARD and her time to be out when she wanted and to talk. Ask your T bout that. If ikid knows you won't try to control her and smash her then she will be more willing to work with you and cooperate.
*you say good things Rsk. I try to remember them so I know its good things that I do.
> I hope I am right. Remember I am not under control either. This is all my hope. Tomorrow I am going to let things just flow. I am thinking maybe it is ok to be triggered so I remember faster. I don't know.*I hope it goes well for Rsk. Be safe.
Let us know how it goes.
> I think you are going to be ok.
>
> ((((((((((Muffled)))))))))))*:-) Thanks.
M
Posted by rskontos on December 12, 2007, at 18:20:59
In reply to Re: I went to T » rskontos, posted by muffled on December 12, 2007, at 13:14:17
What you said about fasttrack progress I don't think can really happen. I mean I been thinking bout this to because I am thinking alot about how messed up in side my head i am and why haven't no one noticed. I realized just how well dissociation works. It really does help you get by. I mean I was seen by a lot of MD's an d never did they think it was anything but a medical problem. I hid my mental issues so well. Never let them see anythings wrong. So I think why now do it. sigh, I dont know.
But I still think you did the right thing and I am glad you feel better today. I think it is because ikid knows she got to talk finally. I hope you can remember, hel* I hope i can remember my own words when the time comes. This is all what my T says to. . That all the parts are trying to protect. My head is hurting again and I know I have been switching today. but ok, nothing happened during switching I think. Just listening to music and stuff and thinking. But it does make the ole head hurt.
Well I will talk later and hope you are better. I too get addicted to babble. I think I need to back off. So hard since this is only place I can share my thoughts.
rk
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