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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 6 of 6. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on October 17, 2007, at 11:47:54
So much is going on right now. Luckily I did get to sleep and sleep very soundly, in fact for 12 hours. I think I get like that after EMDR, it must be so traumatic for my body or brain or whatever it does.
But I just can't get my mom out of the other chair in my T's office, I so wish he didn't say that. I want to feel safe in his office but just the thought of him saying to think of her in the chair, seems like it really could be real and that freaks me out. I can't seem to get that image of that chair with my mom sitting on it out of my mind.
I feel "on guard again". Up to now it was better for me to convince myself that she is dead, but now she seems alive again. PTSD sucks, I thought I was over that. Maybe that is why my old T was thinking maybe bringing this stuff up again would be harmful to me, because of what I went through.
My new T was like listen to my voice, etc. It was weird, I was there in the room, but my mind was somewhere else. Intellectially I knew she wasn't in the room, but my body remembers how that felt, being so scared of her. Doing EMDR with thinking of my mom, brought me right there within that memory, like it was happening again. I normally keep good eye contact in therapy, but this time I was just looking down at my hands, looking at the floor, I couldn't look at him. I heard him talking to me trying to get me to calm down, it wasn't working. It was so scary. I don't know what happened to me then. Maybe a flashback?
T mentioned on the phone of a lot of other technigues, something about me seeing it happening to someone else, and not to me. I don't even want to go into his office again, I don't want to see that chair. Am I going crazy? WTF? My emotional self is taking over my rational self and it is so scary.
I feel bad that I couldn't go down to the hospital and deal with them taking the baby off life support. I haven't even seen the baby, and I don't know if I should or not. My DH left this morning and will call me. I needed to stay home with my kids. My daughter is having a rough time because she has been making this quilt for the new baby for months now, was almost finished too. Now what do we do with the quilt? I guess it dependes on the parents on whether it would cause too much pain or will it be a rememberence thing. I don't know.
I wish my world would calm down. My teacher gave me an extension on my paper, but I kinda just want to get it done for tomorrow. (the actual due date) Sorry this got so long, thanks for reading my thoughts. I know some of you don't know what to say and that is okay, it is just nice to know you care. I so need support right now, I just don't know how to ask for it. I am used to dealing with this kind of thing on my own like I have been forced to do my entire life.
Posted by seldomseen on October 17, 2007, at 12:33:59
In reply to Feeling kinda shaky, posted by happyflower on October 17, 2007, at 11:47:54
Yeah, i'm sorry you're on unsteady ground right now, but this will pass. On the other hand, I am really glad that you got a good nights rest. That help sooooo much.
When I was re-living most of the trauma from my childhood, I experienced a lot of the same things you describe. I found the key is to find something - a picture, a piece of furniture - god anything - that is your "anchor" in the here and now. Something physical that you can grab hold of and really say "I am in the present, I am alive and this is my life".
Unfortunately, I think some of this re-trauma is prerequisite in order to fully process what happened to us. People say "Oh therapy should be handled in a way such that we aren't ever re-traumatized" but I just don't think that is realistic. I mean - Hello! We WERE traumatized as kids!! We need to process the trauma people!!!
But anyway, try to keep in mind that this is the adult HF now and you are ultimately in control of your boundaries. Your mom can not hurt you anymore. It may feel like she can, but that is the powerless child talking - not the adult HF. It's okay, that child needs a voice, but remember the adult HF rules the day now. She rules the day.
As far as your mom being at your T's office - I think that's a good place to leave her. T's can handle problematic parents from the past and until you feel able, maybe you can just turn that role over to him? I've never tried it, but it maybe one way to keep her contained while you do the work you need to do.
I hope this is civil, but I really really don't like your mom too much.
Take good care.
Love and peace
Seldom.
Posted by rskontos on October 17, 2007, at 16:20:10
In reply to Feeling kinda shaky, posted by happyflower on October 17, 2007, at 11:47:54
Happyflower, a really good friend of mine just said that sometimes when we sleep like that it is because mentally we have used up just as many resources in our body as physically we would running as long run. And she is a doctor. She said that mental stuff is more draining than physical exercises so don't feel guility when needing extra sleep as in a nap or 12 yours. So yes it was traumatic for you, you were hit with a huge dose of trama. Reliving the thing with your mom and the baby's death. That is alot just one of those by itself.
I am sorry for your feelings now that you can't go back to T but I think you should maybe let your T know and let him help you deal with it. My feelings for my mom has changed in the last few weeks with new knowledge I have found out and I now am glad she is dead. I would not want to imagine her sitting with me at therapy now either so I understand. But on the other hand I agree with seldom that you probably do need to re-visit this issue in order to get past it. I guess it that in order to conquer our fears we must face them thing. It is hard. I wake up everyday hoping someone while I slept I turned normal and my head is ok but nope it isn't. Out of three sisters I seem to be the worst off right now and that bothers me. Heck everything bothers me. Me bothers me. But I know I have to keep going on and resist my dark thoughts. I think you sound better somewhat. YOu are thinking about what happed. And trying to understand it. She is only as alive as you give her power to be. Try to remember her but with no power over her. Her powers are gone forever over you. Remember that. It probably was like a flashback but you can control the power she has none.
Don't feel guilty about not going to the hospital. You stayed where you were needed and that is important too. I feel for your daughter. It is a tough time.
I am glad you are asking for help. I imagine that most of us on this site have a terrible time with asking for support. We are here for you and you are doing a good job hanging in there. Be kind to yourself. rk
Posted by Dory on October 17, 2007, at 17:42:58
In reply to Feeling kinda shaky, posted by happyflower on October 17, 2007, at 11:47:54
i don't know what to say to help. There is so much going on for you right now. Take care of yourself ok?
Posted by Phillipa on October 17, 2007, at 21:37:22
In reply to Feeling kinda shaky, posted by happyflower on October 17, 2007, at 11:47:54
Happyflower these are only my thoughts. I believe your therapist was trying to help you accept and deal with the little baby's death and if not resolved yet your Mother's too. I feel as hard as it is that you should be with your Daughter. Comfort for you both. And that quilt have you or your Daughter thought of wrapping the new baby in it for burial if that's what you're doing so she will know how much your Daughter loved and wanted her. I think it might help with closure. I also think you should see the baby for the same reason as I didn't see my deceased relatives and without seeing them your mind really doesn't know they are gone in my case anyway. I hope I haven't said the wrong things. Love Phillipa
Posted by arora on October 18, 2007, at 13:00:53
In reply to Re: Feeling kinda shaky » happyflower, posted by Phillipa on October 17, 2007, at 21:37:22
HappyFlower-
I think you have been though a really tough time, and that's a lot to process in one go. Death is such a hard thing to cope with, and especially if it's that of a baby that everyone was waiting to welcome into this world... not expecting to have to say goodbye to.Emotionally that's more than enough to deal with at the best of times... I think if the thought of going back into your T's office is too much, then just call him and explain- say that you'd appreciate it if he could remove that chair just for the time being, because you'd like your grief to have precedence for now, to honor the baby.
arora
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