Posted by happyflower on October 17, 2007, at 11:47:54
So much is going on right now. Luckily I did get to sleep and sleep very soundly, in fact for 12 hours. I think I get like that after EMDR, it must be so traumatic for my body or brain or whatever it does.
But I just can't get my mom out of the other chair in my T's office, I so wish he didn't say that. I want to feel safe in his office but just the thought of him saying to think of her in the chair, seems like it really could be real and that freaks me out. I can't seem to get that image of that chair with my mom sitting on it out of my mind.
I feel "on guard again". Up to now it was better for me to convince myself that she is dead, but now she seems alive again. PTSD sucks, I thought I was over that. Maybe that is why my old T was thinking maybe bringing this stuff up again would be harmful to me, because of what I went through.
My new T was like listen to my voice, etc. It was weird, I was there in the room, but my mind was somewhere else. Intellectially I knew she wasn't in the room, but my body remembers how that felt, being so scared of her. Doing EMDR with thinking of my mom, brought me right there within that memory, like it was happening again. I normally keep good eye contact in therapy, but this time I was just looking down at my hands, looking at the floor, I couldn't look at him. I heard him talking to me trying to get me to calm down, it wasn't working. It was so scary. I don't know what happened to me then. Maybe a flashback?
T mentioned on the phone of a lot of other technigues, something about me seeing it happening to someone else, and not to me. I don't even want to go into his office again, I don't want to see that chair. Am I going crazy? WTF? My emotional self is taking over my rational self and it is so scary.
I feel bad that I couldn't go down to the hospital and deal with them taking the baby off life support. I haven't even seen the baby, and I don't know if I should or not. My DH left this morning and will call me. I needed to stay home with my kids. My daughter is having a rough time because she has been making this quilt for the new baby for months now, was almost finished too. Now what do we do with the quilt? I guess it dependes on the parents on whether it would cause too much pain or will it be a rememberence thing. I don't know.
I wish my world would calm down. My teacher gave me an extension on my paper, but I kinda just want to get it done for tomorrow. (the actual due date) Sorry this got so long, thanks for reading my thoughts. I know some of you don't know what to say and that is okay, it is just nice to know you care. I so need support right now, I just don't know how to ask for it. I am used to dealing with this kind of thing on my own like I have been forced to do my entire life.
poster:happyflower
thread:789751
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20071009/msgs/789751.html