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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on June 20, 2007, at 14:35:48
i've just had a lot of emotions lately and i've decided to write a letter...i might even mail it to my T. pretending it is to 'mother'. maybe it will help me gain some control back over this part of my life.
i really need to say some things...i don't expect responses from anyone. i just hope it isn't triggering for anyone, but put header just incase.
thank you for letting me vent.
here goes:
**************************
don't you wish you could be there for me,
to share my intimate pains,
don't you wish you were there to see your grandchild born,
don't you wish i would come to you for help,
i do to
i wish i had a mother who would support me
share with me,be kind to me,take care of me
the way i am with you now is how you taught me to be
you chose this path, now you must walk it.
yet somehow, we still all suffer from your decisions.i have the power within me to change now, but i choose not too.
i choose to not open myself to hurt over and over again.
i choose not to be degraded and felt to be ashamed of everything i am
i don't trust you, that was learned
i don't take your words to heart, that was learned
i don't like you, that was learned
i don't want you to know me, that was learned.
you stopped being a mother to me long ago.
i tried to get you back many times...you didn't come. you chose anger and blame instead
why would i try to get you back now.***TRIGGER***
mommy never came.
sometimes as much as i don't want you in my life, i cry for you. for the mother i wished you were. i think about what i missed out on, what you cheated me out of. Even beyond the little pleasures of having a mother, those little memories i wish i had to share. it was survival and pain, the basic things that i still had no mother for. there were so many times that i NEEDED a mother. that I NEEDED HELP :(
i needed help from the many people that hurt me over and over again. you never stopped them, ANY of them! you could Never see past My wrong doings.
-i needed a mommy.
i kept wishing my mommy would step in and save me. would stop the pain that i received over and over. at first i wished you would come and save me, but that soon stopped as you became just as much of my cause of pain as the others.
i would wish you would come and hold me, rock me, tell me its all ok, that you didnt' hate me and that you would protect me. i wished you would tell me that the world was not a horrible place and that life was worth living...
...my mommy never came.
-i cry for that. still now.
-but there are no do-overs.i forgave you and tried again when i was a little older. instead of seeing that i was (once again) being hurt, you blamed me for being the cause of my own pain. you blamed me of things i never did, you accused me of being someone, something i was not....why did you do that to me mommy? why did you hate that little girl? how could you think those things of me? was i really that bad of a person? what did i do to you that made you hate who i was?
-sometimes... i think back to when i was little and wonder if you really new what was going on and you chose not to 'see'...
did you think he didn't see the way you treated me, that gave an ok for him to treat me the same way. and you a reason not to discipline him.
now that my daughter is born, i forgive you, only because i'm tired of this war inside me..against you. you're not worth it.
but don't think i will forget. i haven't, i won't...i can't nor should i.i have changed...you, still have not.
i HATE that i have a 'mother' and never had a mommy.
i Hate how you make me feel about myself, even now at 30something.
more than i hate your words i HATE what you Don't Say! and the accompanying 'looks'. you look at me like im disgusting and you make me feel that way. no wonder i've been trying to kill myself since i was 14.
what a HORRIBLE thing you've done to your daughter!
HORRIBLE.
HORRIBLE...
You,'mother' should be ashamed. NOT me. NOT ME!! NOT SHAME ON ME!! NO SHAME!!
I WASN"T THE SICK ONE OF THE FAMILY!i am writing this letter to end it.
i am done.**************************
i wish i was done, i think though that this letter may be the beginning of some healing though...
b2c.
Posted by muffled on June 20, 2007, at 15:53:51
In reply to letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on June 20, 2007, at 14:35:48
*B2, that was sadly beautifully written :-(
So REAL.
I am glad your on the path to healing.
Seems to take a long,long time doesn't it.*I'm glad to read this that you wrote too:
>>now that my daughter is born, i forgive you,(I dunno if we can forgive....but mebbe we can 'let go'?)
*Children can be SUCH a wonderous healing gift. My kids have given me so much more than I have ever given them. My T said yesterday that her kids were the making of her.
Try and let go of your 'mother', and just enjoy being the best mom that you are able to be. Your daughter is very lucky to have you methinks.
(((B2))
Muffled
Posted by B2chica on June 21, 2007, at 8:12:22
In reply to Re: letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER*** » B2chica, posted by muffled on June 20, 2007, at 15:53:51
you make me feel good muffly.
thnx.
((((Muffled)))))
Posted by Happyflower on June 21, 2007, at 10:39:17
In reply to letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER***, posted by B2chica on June 20, 2007, at 14:35:48
Wow, B2, your letter is so truthful and so honest it sends shivers down my spine. Some people just don't believe that just because you give birth to a kid, it makes you a mother. Being a mother yourself now, I am sure you are even seeing more things from your past. I know I did.
I see how wonderful my kids are and so loving, how could anyone want to hurt such beautiful creatures. I know I couldn't. I know I am not a pperfect parent, but I am doing okay with them.
Do you do this? Do you see yourself through your kid's eyes. Do you wonder how you appeared at that age. I know I often wondered how could my mom NOT see how cute and adorable I was. Kids need their basic nessecities but what they need the most is love. I didn't have the basics either, but would want love first I think. It is tough knowing I was never loved as a child. I am loved now, at least by my kids, and it helps I think. Cutting off the contact from my mom 6 years ago was the best thing I have ever done for my emotional health. I still fear her showing up at my door, but I can sometimes go a whole day without thinking of the fear.
What your mom did B2 was so wrong, and I am glad you are standing up to her, even in a letter, even if she doesn't read the letter. Do you thinking having your child, makes you stonger? It did me, and gave me reason to take care of myself, because my kids needed me and they are very important to me. Take care, B2
(((((B2)))))))))))
Posted by B2chica on June 21, 2007, at 14:29:18
In reply to Re: letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER*** » B2chica, posted by Happyflower on June 21, 2007, at 10:39:17
hi HF.
infact i question even more now...why her 'love' for me was so conditional???
why did she always see me as 'bad'?
i LOVE my DD no matter what. even when she becomes older and 'hates' me...i will love her even MORE!! and will tell her that!i just dont understand...i could NEVER, NOT show her how much i love her. i cant imagine NOT hugging her and telling her EVERY Freaking day how much i love her! ....d@mn, what i would have done for one freaking hug from my mom...one soothing word...one sign of affection. well, i could give a cr@p less now...
i think having this child will heal me more than all the therapy in the world. it gives me the chance to (in a way) undo what my 'mother' did by making sure i do things (or dont) with my DD.
i think what is hard for me is when people that dont know say "we learn to mother from our mothers.." or something equally distressing. i feel trapped, like no matter how hard i work im destined to repeat my mothers actions. :(
it takes me a while to realize again that i dont HAVE to repeat that cycle....or i tell myself that i will imitate...my MIL...
-she is the epitome of motherhood and patience. i thank God she is in my life! (and my DD)
and YES. my DD makes me stronger...100x. see, i still cant seem to stand up for myself...but i SURE can for her.from one learning mom to another...thank you, thank you for understanding.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on June 21, 2007, at 14:58:19
In reply to Re: letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER*** » Happyflower, posted by B2chica on June 21, 2007, at 14:29:18
> infact i question even more now...why her 'love' for me was so conditional???
* Cuz SHE had issues, NOT you.
> i LOVE my DD no matter what. even when she becomes older and 'hates' me...i will love her even MORE!! and will tell her that!
*Good, cuz I haven't hit adosescence w/my kids yet....but I hear it can be very hard...
I tell my kids same thing. I say I love you even when I am angry with your behaviour. And times when I am moody, I am careful to explain and make clear that the moodiness is about me and NOT them.
My daughter will say I don't love her. I just say, think what you will, but I know I do. It does seem to satisfy her.
>
> i just dont understand...i could NEVER, NOT show her how much i love her. i cant imagine NOT hugging her and telling her EVERY Freaking day how much i love her! ....d@mn, what i would have done for one freaking hug from my mom...one soothing word...one sign of affection. well, i could give a cr@p less now...**Maybe you will be different...but there have been times when I have REALLY not liked my kids.....but no, the love is always there, but there's been times where its a little hard to dredge up. Just so's you don't kick yourself if you have moments when you can't feel 'the love' as it were for your daughter. Its normal, its not bad, its still there, mebbe just overshadowed by the ultimate frustration. Kids can bring on strong emotions.
>
> i think having this child will heal me more than all the therapy in the world. it gives me the chance to (in a way) undo what my 'mother' did by making sure i do things (or dont) with my DD.**Yup
> i think what is hard for me is when people that dont know say "we learn to mother from our mothers.." or something equally distressing. i feel trapped, like no matter how hard i work im destined to repeat my mothers actions. :(
> it takes me a while to realize again that i dont HAVE to repeat that cycle....or i tell myself that i will imitate...my MIL...
> -she is the epitome of motherhood and patience. i thank God she is in my life! (and my DD)**sigh, I occasionally find myself behaving like my mother,just little things, and it hurts, bad, but at least I eventually have recognized it, and then taken action to change it, and to repair any possible damage as a result of it.(eg talking to them about it)
>
> and YES. my DD makes me stronger...100x. see, i still cant seem to stand up for myself...but i SURE can for her.*kids are utterly AMAZING.
Hang in there kiddo.
M
Posted by Happyflower on June 21, 2007, at 17:25:35
In reply to Re: letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER*** » Happyflower, posted by B2chica on June 21, 2007, at 14:29:18
> infact i question even more now...why her 'love' for me was so conditional???
> why did she always see me as 'bad'?
> i LOVE my DD no matter what. even when she becomes older and 'hates' me...i will love her even MORE!! and will tell her that!I know in my instance, and this has been discussed in therapy A LOT, was that my mom seems to be jelous of me. So she had to devalue me to make her self feel good. My son once thought I didn't love him because I was angry with him, and I told him I love him even if I am angry with him at the moment. This is a good thing to tell a child because you WILL get angry at them.
> i just dont understand...i could NEVER, NOT show her how much i love her. i cant imagine NOT hugging her and telling her EVERY Freaking day how much i love her! ....d@mn, what i would have done for one freaking hug from my mom...one soothing word...one sign of affection. well, i could give a cr@p less now...I didn't have hugs or any affection from her what so ever. Now my dad did hug me a few times and he did tell me a couple of time that he loved me.
> i think having this child will heal me more than all the therapy in the world. it gives me the chance to (in a way) undo what my 'mother' did by making sure i do things (or dont) with my DD.
I think it also gives up hope for the future, like we can create a family that we never had, even if we are in different roles. I think it gives us something to live for, something to strive for, and something to feel proud about too.
> i think what is hard for me is when people that dont know say "we learn to mother from our mothers.." or something equally distressing. i feel trapped, like no matter how hard i work im destined to repeat my mothers actions. :(
> it takes me a while to realize again that i dont HAVE to repeat that cycle....or i tell myself that i will imitate...my MIL...
> -she is the epitome of motherhood and patience. i thank God she is in my life! (and my DD)Oh, I hate that saying even if there is some truth to it. But it doesn't have to be that way, if you intenionally try to change it. But like my T says it takes awareness, and education on how to change it and a willingness to stop the cycle. Doing it right is A LOT of work, but so worth it down the line. My T says it is better to do it right at the beginning then to try to change them when they are teenagers and think we are full of it anyways.
He had to testify in court one time about whether this women who was intellectially retarded, if she was able to mother a child properly. He said that she had a horrible role model for her, and he didn't believe she would be able to change the cycle because it takes a huge amount of re-educating herself, and because of her IQ, he didn't think it would likely happen. But he told me that if she had good role models growing up, she would probably mother like she was mothered. BUt in this case, she was mothered very poorly. He said it was a very difficult case because he could see that she loved her kid, but she already had shown she wasn't doing a very good job. It was so sad for him, but he believes he did the right thing. I think a grandmother on the child's dad's side adopted the child.
>
> and YES. my DD makes me stronger...100x. see, i still cant seem to stand up for myself...but i SURE can for her.That is awesome B2! She is luckey to have a great mom like you!
>
> from one learning mom to another...thank you, thank you for understanding.Thanks!
Happyflower
Posted by twinleaf on June 21, 2007, at 18:50:23
In reply to Re: letter to 'mother'...***TRIGGER*** » B2chica, posted by Happyflower on June 21, 2007, at 17:25:35
My mother was often absent, and also had a lot of trouble showing affection with my brothers and me. At times she seemed jealous and angry, too. For me, the BEST thing that ever happened was becoming a mother myself. I really tried hard to be present, loving and connected- and the thought kept flashing into my mind- especially when they were babies, "you're really mothering yourself when you are doing it for them!" It was wonderful-that empty space finally getting filled up- at least partially- not to mention the sense of growing personally.
I do think adolescence presents special challenges- for our kids and us. They need to begin moving away, but they suddenly need us a lot, too- sometimes both things within a few minutes!. There were lots of the tougher emotions- anger especially- than when they were children. But I can say that everyone survives, and things do calm down. I now have one son in his late 20's- independent and successful. Sometimes he will still suddenly almost sit in my lap, which is very challenging, as he is 6'5"! It seems like a sudden welling up of old childhood feelings on his part, just for a moment. If I give a big hug, it's over. More interesting is what kind of relationship one can develop with a grown child. You still love them so much, but they are learning so many things, and having life experiences which you will never have, or even know very much about. So I do think becoming friends, and respecting their hard-won independence is important. But you still always want to have moments of intimacy and sharing- at least I certainly do. This may be easier with daughters than it is with sons. But I'm hanging in there.
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