Posted by B2chica on June 20, 2007, at 14:35:48
i've just had a lot of emotions lately and i've decided to write a letter...i might even mail it to my T. pretending it is to 'mother'. maybe it will help me gain some control back over this part of my life.
i really need to say some things...i don't expect responses from anyone. i just hope it isn't triggering for anyone, but put header just incase.
thank you for letting me vent.
here goes:
**************************
don't you wish you could be there for me,
to share my intimate pains,
don't you wish you were there to see your grandchild born,
don't you wish i would come to you for help,
i do to
i wish i had a mother who would support me
share with me,be kind to me,take care of me
the way i am with you now is how you taught me to be
you chose this path, now you must walk it.
yet somehow, we still all suffer from your decisions.i have the power within me to change now, but i choose not too.
i choose to not open myself to hurt over and over again.
i choose not to be degraded and felt to be ashamed of everything i am
i don't trust you, that was learned
i don't take your words to heart, that was learned
i don't like you, that was learned
i don't want you to know me, that was learned.
you stopped being a mother to me long ago.
i tried to get you back many times...you didn't come. you chose anger and blame instead
why would i try to get you back now.***TRIGGER***
mommy never came.
sometimes as much as i don't want you in my life, i cry for you. for the mother i wished you were. i think about what i missed out on, what you cheated me out of. Even beyond the little pleasures of having a mother, those little memories i wish i had to share. it was survival and pain, the basic things that i still had no mother for. there were so many times that i NEEDED a mother. that I NEEDED HELP :(
i needed help from the many people that hurt me over and over again. you never stopped them, ANY of them! you could Never see past My wrong doings.
-i needed a mommy.
i kept wishing my mommy would step in and save me. would stop the pain that i received over and over. at first i wished you would come and save me, but that soon stopped as you became just as much of my cause of pain as the others.
i would wish you would come and hold me, rock me, tell me its all ok, that you didnt' hate me and that you would protect me. i wished you would tell me that the world was not a horrible place and that life was worth living...
...my mommy never came.
-i cry for that. still now.
-but there are no do-overs.i forgave you and tried again when i was a little older. instead of seeing that i was (once again) being hurt, you blamed me for being the cause of my own pain. you blamed me of things i never did, you accused me of being someone, something i was not....why did you do that to me mommy? why did you hate that little girl? how could you think those things of me? was i really that bad of a person? what did i do to you that made you hate who i was?
-sometimes... i think back to when i was little and wonder if you really new what was going on and you chose not to 'see'...
did you think he didn't see the way you treated me, that gave an ok for him to treat me the same way. and you a reason not to discipline him.
now that my daughter is born, i forgive you, only because i'm tired of this war inside me..against you. you're not worth it.
but don't think i will forget. i haven't, i won't...i can't nor should i.i have changed...you, still have not.
i HATE that i have a 'mother' and never had a mommy.
i Hate how you make me feel about myself, even now at 30something.
more than i hate your words i HATE what you Don't Say! and the accompanying 'looks'. you look at me like im disgusting and you make me feel that way. no wonder i've been trying to kill myself since i was 14.
what a HORRIBLE thing you've done to your daughter!
HORRIBLE.
HORRIBLE...
You,'mother' should be ashamed. NOT me. NOT ME!! NOT SHAME ON ME!! NO SHAME!!
I WASN"T THE SICK ONE OF THE FAMILY!i am writing this letter to end it.
i am done.**************************
i wish i was done, i think though that this letter may be the beginning of some healing though...
b2c.
poster:B2chica
thread:764491
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070612/msgs/764491.html