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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by peddidle on June 12, 2007, at 0:26:52
I've been thinking lately that I really have no excuse for my depression/dysthymia/whatever it is. I mean, aside from my best friend dying two years ago, I never experienced anything really traumatic. I guess I have complicated bereavment issues, but I had problems before any of that happened. I can't help but think that my T looks at me and thinks "OK, there are people with real problems out there, what are you depressed about?" In reality, I know she would never think that way, but I still can't help thinking about it. So, if I figured all this stuff out, why am I still dysthymic (whether or not I'm depressed is still a matter of debate between my therapist and me...I don't "feel" depressed, but I'd be willing to admit that I just can't recognize it anymore).
I'm not saying that depression is a privilege, or anything like that, and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, but I feel kind of guilty because I don't have any right to be depressed,
Posted by Racer on June 12, 2007, at 0:51:50
In reply to I have no excuse for being depressed, posted by peddidle on June 12, 2007, at 0:26:52
I don't know if that helps, but you have my permission to be depressed, or dysthymic, without any justification of any sort. You don't need any traumas to bring it on, and my bet is that you have had traumas that just don't seem particularly traumatic to you.
Here's an example: when I was four and a half, I was hit by a car and spent a month in the hospital, months in a cast, then physical therapy, etc. It took until I was 40 to realize that that really and truly did constitute a trauma! It didn't "feel" traumatic to me, so it never occurred to me that it was a legitimate trauma. My guess is that you probably have some similar things in your background somewhere.
And even if you don't, even if you had a totally charmed life, with robins singing and flowers blooming -- you can still be depressed.
I've said this before, but it bears repeating: there is no hierarchy of suffering. And there's no limit to the amount of suffering allowed at any one time. Just because one person suffers [x], doesn't mean that someone else can't also suffer [x] amount, too. You're not preventing someone else from having their rightful suffering. (Though wouldn't it be nice if we could do that? I know people whose suffering I'd take on if I could.) And just because I suffered by being hit by a car, doesn't mean my suffering is more real than that of someone who sprained an ankle, or who felt lonely on a holiday, or lost a friend. It's all real, and it's all important.
I don't suppose any of that helps. I hope it does, though.
Good luck to you. And I hope you learn that it's OK to feel what you feel, and that it never needs a reason.
Posted by B2chica on June 12, 2007, at 8:55:45
In reply to I give you permission » peddidle, posted by Racer on June 12, 2007, at 0:51:50
very nicely put Racer.
Posted by Honore on June 12, 2007, at 9:05:59
In reply to I give you permission » peddidle, posted by Racer on June 12, 2007, at 0:51:50
Racer's so right-- no one who's depressed needs a "justification" for the "right" to feel depressed. It's not as if you're choosing it-- or preferring it to something better.
If you are, in some unconscious sense, "choosing" it-- as Ts like to say-- it's because there was some need for it-- something that was coercing you -- whether brain chemistry, or situation, or both-- to take it as a means of survival, or coping.
Even if that situation isn't in your awareness-- and even if it isn't seemingly a "trauma"- there are invisible traumas that no one recognizes.
I also tend to think -nothing really bad happened to me-- so it's just my fault, or some perverse and ineradicable flaw in me-- but that's not fair to me, and really is part of the depression.
Your sense that you don't deserve to be depressed is part of yours, too-- a way of keeping you feeling that you're wrong-- and bad. Which you aren't. You have my permission-- my encouragement even-- to think that you deserve not to be depressed-- but also to accept that you didn't bring the depression on yourself for no good reason, either.
Honore
Posted by Dinah on June 12, 2007, at 18:37:02
In reply to I have no excuse for being depressed, posted by peddidle on June 12, 2007, at 0:26:52
I have the same feeling sometimes. There was nothing in my background that caused how I am now. Certainly there were things where looking back, you could say they contributed.
My mother left my dad and moved far far away when I was two, and I didn't see him for at least a year. Then when I was four we left my grandma where I had lived since I was two, and moved far far away back to this stranger who was my dad. That could contribute to issues of trust or attachment.
My father was never physically violent, but he had quite a temper, and I was sort of scared of him when I was little. He rarely if ever directed it straight at me, but it was still scary. He and my mother detested each other and had loud fights all the time. My mom has a sketchy grasp on reality as well as her own temper, once I got old enough to not be an extension of her and her wishes.
But I don't think any of those things are significant enough to cause my troubles.
I finally just decided I'm wired a bit too finely and tautly and that by nature my reactions tend to be rather extreme. I'm not sure anything that my parents did or could have done would have made a significant difference. I just need to learn ways to work around it. Sometimes that seems more possible than other times.
Posted by muffled on June 12, 2007, at 23:51:13
In reply to I have no excuse for being depressed, posted by peddidle on June 12, 2007, at 0:26:52
I used to say same thing bout my alcoholism....
Its a sickness, just like a cold, or whatever. A sickness. Don't need a reason, just is.
((Pediddle))
You do a great post.
Muffled
Posted by AuntieMel on June 13, 2007, at 11:42:32
In reply to I have no excuse for being depressed, posted by peddidle on June 12, 2007, at 0:26:52
If you are sad and have something to be sad about you are human.
It's an illness when it is constant with no reason.
[not to say this is the *only* definition]
Posted by peddidle on June 25, 2007, at 14:47:38
In reply to Re: Isn't that a definition? » peddidle, posted by AuntieMel on June 13, 2007, at 11:42:32
I know I'm horrible for not responding sooner, but I wanted to thank everyone for their responses-- they really made me feel better about the situation. Even though I know feeling "blah" for no reason is one of the trademarks of the spectrum of depression, it's a difficult concept to grasp when you're in the middle of it.
It's still a constant struggle to trust that I'm "allowed" to be therapy. My T says that she believes everyone is a prisoner of their own minds, and everyone can benefit from having a therapist. That's a piece of wisdom I often find myself going back to for reassurance.
Thanks again, everyone, and sorry I took so long to respond.
Posted by muffled on June 25, 2007, at 16:20:33
In reply to Thanks and sorry., posted by peddidle on June 25, 2007, at 14:47:38
Awww Ped, you not horrible at all.
Just struggling.
S'OK.
Your T sounds nice :-).
Hang in there.
Muffled
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