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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 10:42:52
i am sorry for my behaviour and attitude on chat last night. i was distraught beyond belief. The clonazepam was fogging my brain, wine didn't help. The last kicker was the pain med. Apparently i cannot drink with it (the pharmacist lied a little). It isn't dangerous but i became incoherent by the time i talked to H. i was nodding off and not making any sense.
Llurpsie i owe you a HUGE sorry. You were being so nice and so concerned and i was just so blatantly self-absorbed. i would never want to cause you hurt or worry.
i am safe, but by the end of the month i'll be without enough to pay for anything besides my rent. i am so depressed. i have lost hope and although i have been searching for options i don't see any viable way of making a *good* life for myself... one that is remotely fulfilling. All i see ahead of me is mountains i can't climb. My medical issues are progressive and will limit me further as i age and i am only 36. i can't work at what i am trained to do. i can't even finish school... art is my passion but it doesn't make enough money to live on it. i had always expected to make a small income but paired with H it would be ok. No one wants to hire me for good jobs because i am not qualified. i cannot afford to do any more training or school programs.
i cannot even afford to see my T. i have to call and leave him a message telling him that today and that is going to be so very hard.
i'm sorry to be whining. i know everyone must be sick of it by now because i am sick of it myself. i just don't know what to do to untangle myself. i don't want rich.. i don't want luxury.. i want a little better than barely making it... i want moderately comfortable. i want to not have to worry about whether i can feed my dogs, pay my rent, buy my meds or even pay my T. i don't care if own a house or a car or a big screen tv.
ok. i need to stop now because it's just going to make me cry and all that will do is give me a headache.
again, i am sorry for worrying everyone in chat last night.
much love and peace
Posted by muffled on June 6, 2007, at 14:19:41
In reply to an apology...esp to Llurpsie, posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 10:42:52
When you stand at the edge of the rocky mountains, seeing them loom above, you wonder, how will I ever get thru?
Then you get started, climbing mountain after mountain.
There are passes to get between and then thru to the next mountain, and on it goes.
Hard , hard work, climbing those moutains.
Scrabbling thru scree, buffeted by wind, tired, hungry.....then it starts to rain...and your wet and miserable.
Yet you go on.
Hard hard hard.
Where is the next pass? to the next valley? Is there any end to these accursed mountains? Are the valleys all going to be lonely and lacking food or water?
Is there ever going to be a place for me to stop, just stop?????
I am tired of the mountains, the wind, the rain, the rocks.
Tired on lonliness.
Yet I keep going.
Find the next pass
to the next valley.
There I meet a man.
He tells me, follow the stream.
So I do.
I meet a little girl, shes crying.
I give her a hug, she smiles. Say go over that ridge.
I wander, lost.
Then a lady comes to me, and says come, come with me.
I do.
I am so tired.
We fight our way thru the underbrush, and come to a valley.
There's a community there.
They have food, they are mostly kind.
They help me.
I rest.
I wanted to give up a thousand times in those harsh mountains.
I'm glad I didn't.
Cuz here, in this valley, I still struggle.
But sometimes,
the sun shines and warms my aching damaged bones.
I smile and bring warmth to a lonely old man.
I draw beautiful pictures that bring joy to me and to others.
I have days where my bones ache a little less, and they are good days.
I send a mail to my friends, who were in pain, who missed me, who thot I was gone.
And I heal inside, alittle bit at a time.
ITS SO SLOW.
But its comming.
And it feels good.
And I shared my chocolate bar with a sad man on the street. And we smiled. And my heart sang.
And I am alive, and I felt my heart sing.
And it was good.
m
Posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 14:25:28
In reply to I wish i had more time to write...., posted by muffled on June 6, 2007, at 14:19:41
Posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 14:38:31
In reply to an apology...esp to Llurpsie, posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 10:42:52
what do i do? i am so lonely and sad. i want someone to talk to in person.. i want someone to let me cry if i need to or can. i want someone to just sit with me. Maybe someone who can hold my hand and give me courage to do some of the tasks i need to do to try and build a life. Stupid things. Make phone calls. i am afraid of the phone. Someone who will be there and help me feel it is ok.
i am trying stay calm and avoid crisis. i called my T's voicemail and told him i can't see him after the next appt. That was hard but it has to be that way. My next call is to shut off my cable and downgrade my bundle. No long distance calls anymore.
i feel tired and stupid and foggy. my brain feels like jello. Hard to think. Want to sleep but can't. Anxious but the clonazepam makes the brain fog worse. Even dog snuggling isn't helping.
how can someone like me end up in this place? i am a good education, i'm not completely stupid, i work hard. How did i end up making 8/hr part time? How did i end up like this?
this pit is so deep this time. i wish someone IRL would come and sit with me. Is that so much to ask? i am going to have supper with this girl i barely know.. can't ask her to just be there you know? i need someone who can sit in silence with me and just hug me if i need it.
i wish i were like real people
Posted by wishingstar on June 6, 2007, at 16:50:25
In reply to so lonely, posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 14:38:31
(((((((dory))))))))
I'm sort of in a brain fog myself today so I dont think I have any terribly useful words, but I just want you to know that I'm thniking of you and care about you. I'm so sorry you're hurting so much and having such a hard time right now. If I could fix it or give the magic advice, I'd do it in a heartbeat.
It's a shame we dont live close to one another. I'd come sit with you for as long as you needed, and let you cry and give hugs if you wanted them. It's so hard not having anyone around to support you in the way you need to be supported.
Just so you know, I read your other post (about therapy) and I am going to respond soon. I've just been in a sort of crazy place myself and want to do it at a time where I can (hopefully) get my thoughts and feelings across clearly.
Anyway, hang in there. I'm thinking of you. It can feel pretty lonely "out there" sometimes but there are always people here that care.
Posted by muffled on June 6, 2007, at 17:20:06
In reply to so lonely, posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 14:38:31
you can come there.
Its not a social place.
But its dark, warm quiet SAFE.
Noone will harm you there
noone will touch you
noone will say words
there are no bad thots
in the cave you sit silently, peacefully.
But I have others that been in my cave,
and its nice.
Same rules. but its nice to know there's a friend there.
And sometimes we can go outside, and we alowed to talk quietly there, or we can climb down and goto the soft mossy place by the creek and play.
These are things I do.
M
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 19:59:43
In reply to an apology...esp to Llurpsie, posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 10:42:52
> i am sorry for my behaviour and attitude on chat last night. i was distraught beyond belief. The clonazepam was fogging my brain, wine didn't help. The last kicker was the pain med. Apparently i cannot drink with it (the pharmacist lied a little). It isn't dangerous but i became incoherent by the time i talked to H. i was nodding off and not making any sense.
>
While on the subject of pharmacology... I'm concerned that the clonazepam might be acting as a depressant. For me, at depressed times, it seemed to make the depression worse. Maybe that's just me. I wish I could make you some tea that would take away all your physical and psychological ills. I wish it were that simple. You have a good, decent doctor. It may be time to lean hard on that resource, especially with therapy suspended.> Llurpsie i owe you a HUGE sorry. You were being so nice and so concerned and i was just so blatantly self-absorbed. i would never want to cause you hurt or worry.
Dory, I know how you feel, and I worry about you because I care about you. There are a lot of people here who care about you. You should go to muffled's cave sometime. It's an oasis of caring gentle kindness. When life is this rough, it's hard to maintain stability. I don't give a fig if you were self-absorbed. Remember that *I'm* the one that asked you what you meant by "leaving". I kept the dialogue going. It takes two to make a conversation, and Deneb was there for most of it too. I can't speak for Deneb (she's such a kind person) but I stuck around for you because you're you.
What you might not realize is that I had to dig a little deeper into the darker recesses of my memory to respond to you. That's NOT a bad thing. I learned more about myself and about my own bad thoughts by talking to you.
I wish I could be there in person. Believe it or not, you actually sound like a pretty cool person to be around. I'd go on a dog-walk with you (no scooping for me though!) and I'd go shopping with you (I'm kind of poor right now, so maybe just window shopping)
>
> i am safe,That's very important. Do a little research here- what makes you feel safer? What makes you feel less safe. There are some parts of your life that you have control over- and these are the places to build your safety net.
I have 5 safety nets
1) Therapy (although I'm in transition right now, but I still have 3 more sessions scheduled)
2) Medication (I have to find a new pdoc in the next month, because I have some Rx that are running out. my old pdoc used to be one of my safety nets, but I bid him be well the other day. sad.)
3) thwarting my preferred method of suicide. Not buying alcohol to have at home. Putting my medications in a pill planner so that I won't be triggered everytime I have to take a single dose out of a container. I cannot overemphasize how much this helps. promising myself to call T or anyone when the suicidal feelings become overwhelming and intrusive (as you called them above)
4) A safe place- my bed. with comforter. white noise machine. quiet. dark.
5) A safe mental place- sometimes I'm in muffled's cave, sometimes I'm reliving a dream where my T embraced me, sometimes I try to hear an entire symphony in my head.It takes time to build the safety net. It took me months of therapy before I was able to talk openly about suicidal thoughts. It took months for me to trust my pdoc that he actually cared about ME. My "leaving the hospital" plan involved me dumping all of my OD supplies, including some very pricey vodka DOWN THE DRAIN. That was a symbolic gesture of giving myself another chance at living. My safe place has always been my bed, even during my childhood. My safe mental place is really hard to access when I'm in trouble. I try to practice accessing it a little bit each day so that it will be easier when the going gets tough.
You need to stay close to your best friends. Keep their furry warm bodies close to you, and let their unconditional love into your heart a little bit.
>
> again, i am sorry for worrying everyone in chat last night.No need to apologize. I'm glad I had the time and energy to be with you. If I start getting too serious, please change the subject. We can chat like friends do- sometimes deep, sometimes shallow :)
Take good care, and I'm sorry that things are all upside-down right now. You are doing the best that you can, and I hope that you can find a little beauty today
love,
Ll
Posted by sleepygirl on June 7, 2007, at 1:11:37
In reply to an apology...esp to Llurpsie, posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 10:42:52
Dory,
geez, I am sorry you are having such a hard time.
I wish I could make some art with you.
you're such a lovely person, I wish I could help
-sg
Posted by Dory on June 7, 2007, at 9:36:18
In reply to Re: so lonely » Dory, posted by wishingstar on June 6, 2007, at 16:50:25
i wish you lived closer too. A hug would be really good right about now. i am rebuilding my walls brick by brick.. like in that book..hmm.. Cask of Montiago? Having someone IRL to be with would help stop that.
thanx wishy
Posted by Dory on June 7, 2007, at 9:41:31
In reply to my cave » Dory, posted by muffled on June 6, 2007, at 17:20:06
Thanx muffy. i have never been able to do mental things like that..you know, make safe places to hide and stuff. Maybe because i don't have a troubled little kid inside.. all my trauma stuff happened later. i have tried that stuff before and it doesn't help. Sorry. i wish it did because it's a lovely way to help yourself.
Posted by Dory on June 7, 2007, at 9:52:47
In reply to Re: an apology. **suicide triggers** » Dory, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 19:59:43
> While on the subject of pharmacology... I'm concerned that the clonazepam might be acting as a depressant.
i had that thought myself.. and then it ran away somewhere and i forgot. i often feel like it gives me a hangover..you know? like a haze for like a day afterward. i am thinking of switching back to the ativan. It didn't give me that feeling at all.
i have been thinking about calling my pdoc but feeling too guilty about it. If i call now he would reach me till monday anyway so there isn't much point.
> Dory, I know how you feel, and I worry about you because I care about you. I stuck around for you because you're you.((((Llurpy))))
> I wish I could be there in person. Believe it or not, you actually sound like a pretty cool person to be around. I'd go on a dog-walk with you (no scooping for me though!) and I'd go shopping with you (I'm kind of poor right now, so maybe just window shopping)i wish you could too... we could make a llurpsie-dome, blankets and pillows and desert. You might change your mind on the dog walking as they are complete jerks on the leash... i am poor too. i got new clothes because i needed them for work but i still wear the clothes i have had for ten yrs...even though i lost 45lbs.
> That's very important. Do a little research here- what makes you feel safer? What makes you feel less safe. There are some parts of your life that you have control over- and these are the places to build your safety net.
hmmm...
1) therapy..which i don't have the money for anymore :o(
2)my dogs.. i know i can't leave them with nowhere to go
3) writing about it and talking about it
4) removing stimulation...like sitting in the dark or something>
> It took months for me to trust my pdoc that he actually cared about ME.my pdoc said it took about 2yrs for me to trust him
>
> You need to stay close to your best friends. Keep their furry warm bodies close to you, and let their unconditional love into your heart a little bit.they are the best suicide prevention i have.
thanx for being there Llurpy
Posted by Dory on June 7, 2007, at 9:53:32
In reply to Re: an apology...esp to Llurpsie, posted by sleepygirl on June 7, 2007, at 1:11:37
This is the end of the thread.
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