Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on June 6, 2007, at 19:59:43
In reply to an apology...esp to Llurpsie, posted by Dory on June 6, 2007, at 10:42:52
> i am sorry for my behaviour and attitude on chat last night. i was distraught beyond belief. The clonazepam was fogging my brain, wine didn't help. The last kicker was the pain med. Apparently i cannot drink with it (the pharmacist lied a little). It isn't dangerous but i became incoherent by the time i talked to H. i was nodding off and not making any sense.
>
While on the subject of pharmacology... I'm concerned that the clonazepam might be acting as a depressant. For me, at depressed times, it seemed to make the depression worse. Maybe that's just me. I wish I could make you some tea that would take away all your physical and psychological ills. I wish it were that simple. You have a good, decent doctor. It may be time to lean hard on that resource, especially with therapy suspended.> Llurpsie i owe you a HUGE sorry. You were being so nice and so concerned and i was just so blatantly self-absorbed. i would never want to cause you hurt or worry.
Dory, I know how you feel, and I worry about you because I care about you. There are a lot of people here who care about you. You should go to muffled's cave sometime. It's an oasis of caring gentle kindness. When life is this rough, it's hard to maintain stability. I don't give a fig if you were self-absorbed. Remember that *I'm* the one that asked you what you meant by "leaving". I kept the dialogue going. It takes two to make a conversation, and Deneb was there for most of it too. I can't speak for Deneb (she's such a kind person) but I stuck around for you because you're you.
What you might not realize is that I had to dig a little deeper into the darker recesses of my memory to respond to you. That's NOT a bad thing. I learned more about myself and about my own bad thoughts by talking to you.
I wish I could be there in person. Believe it or not, you actually sound like a pretty cool person to be around. I'd go on a dog-walk with you (no scooping for me though!) and I'd go shopping with you (I'm kind of poor right now, so maybe just window shopping)
>
> i am safe,That's very important. Do a little research here- what makes you feel safer? What makes you feel less safe. There are some parts of your life that you have control over- and these are the places to build your safety net.
I have 5 safety nets
1) Therapy (although I'm in transition right now, but I still have 3 more sessions scheduled)
2) Medication (I have to find a new pdoc in the next month, because I have some Rx that are running out. my old pdoc used to be one of my safety nets, but I bid him be well the other day. sad.)
3) thwarting my preferred method of suicide. Not buying alcohol to have at home. Putting my medications in a pill planner so that I won't be triggered everytime I have to take a single dose out of a container. I cannot overemphasize how much this helps. promising myself to call T or anyone when the suicidal feelings become overwhelming and intrusive (as you called them above)
4) A safe place- my bed. with comforter. white noise machine. quiet. dark.
5) A safe mental place- sometimes I'm in muffled's cave, sometimes I'm reliving a dream where my T embraced me, sometimes I try to hear an entire symphony in my head.It takes time to build the safety net. It took me months of therapy before I was able to talk openly about suicidal thoughts. It took months for me to trust my pdoc that he actually cared about ME. My "leaving the hospital" plan involved me dumping all of my OD supplies, including some very pricey vodka DOWN THE DRAIN. That was a symbolic gesture of giving myself another chance at living. My safe place has always been my bed, even during my childhood. My safe mental place is really hard to access when I'm in trouble. I try to practice accessing it a little bit each day so that it will be easier when the going gets tough.
You need to stay close to your best friends. Keep their furry warm bodies close to you, and let their unconditional love into your heart a little bit.
>
> again, i am sorry for worrying everyone in chat last night.No need to apologize. I'm glad I had the time and energy to be with you. If I start getting too serious, please change the subject. We can chat like friends do- sometimes deep, sometimes shallow :)
Take good care, and I'm sorry that things are all upside-down right now. You are doing the best that you can, and I hope that you can find a little beauty today
love,
Ll
poster:LlurpsieNoodle
thread:761479
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070525/msgs/761532.html