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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 11:36:27
Is this depression, when you just want to be left alone in your miserable sadness? I want to be left alone to cry. Feeling like crying all the time, even when the simplest things like hearing a song playing on the radio.
Not wanting to be lonely, wanting someone to care or love me, but yet don't want anyone to be around myself right now. Don't want to infect anyone with my nastiness.
Wanting to be a mom, an involved mom, but yet it is so hard to do that when you want to be alone. I am failing my kids, they will probably forgive me, I haven't always been this way, but I am sure it is effecting them too. I hope not premantely.
I try so hard to fight this, I know the signs, I studied it for heavens sake, I know how to help myself, but it is so damn hard to even try. I should *know* better.
Ever feel dispair from life? Ever ask why you are here on this earth? Why does life do this? Why is it so damn hard to have happiness? I know others feel this way, but yet I feel alone in my stuggles.
I saw a magnet today at Barnes and Noble it said, "Normal people are just people you haven't gotten to know yet."
How do I get myself out of this, I feel like I am walking in wet sand up to my knees, and my feet are getting heavier and heavier to move. What if I stop moving, will I drown in the quick sand? Is it a bottomless pit? Is it hell? Is depression one level away from hell?Why does it feel like I have died inside? If you are dead inside, can it even come back to life or is a terminal illness that robs you of everything? I just don't know.
Posted by Nathan_Arizona on May 29, 2007, at 13:34:37
In reply to Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger*, posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 11:36:27
Man oh man, I have trod the road you are on and it is a lot like quicksand, but remember if you curl up in the fetal position or, worse, flail about you will sink faster.
First, don't forget to allow yourself to just feel like crap sometimes. You know, what is the big friggin' deal with everyone always wanting to feel good all the time. I don't, you don't and not everyone else does either. Bad times happen, they don't last and it is not the end of the world. Sometimes you just have to ride it out. You're right, your kids will forgive you - of course they will! They are your kids!
Second, evaluate your level of pain from your accidents. Is it tolerable? Is it chronic? Pain can be the most soul sucking, fatiguing thing out there. Look at yours and be honest, is there more that you could do to give you relief. Also, when you were in pain, did you get to resolve it do you think? I mean talk about it. Even if you are in no pain right now, pain trauma can have an impact on mood - kind of like PTSD.
Third, set reasonable goals for yourself and acheive them each day, each hour, each minute. Look today you went to Barnes and Noble. GREAT!!! You may have felt like crying the whole time you were there, BUT AT LEAST YOU WENT. You did not give in, you made it. Little things like that mean a lot when you are trying to keep your head above water.
Fourth, I really think you needs a meds check ASAP if not sooner. Call your PDoc, general practioner, therapist, chiropractor anyone. Just call and get some help.
Fifth, the single most insidious thing about depression is that it tricks you into thinking you are dead inside. It robs you of that hope that comes from a living soul. Well, HF, there is NO WAY you are dead inside. NO WAY NO HOW. Don't listen to what it is saying to you. You are just sad and tired - both very normal things throughout the course of one's life. You will not be that way forever.
Keep talking to us
NA
Posted by muffled on May 29, 2007, at 13:38:18
In reply to Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger*, posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 11:36:27
> Is this depression, when you just want to be left alone in your miserable sadness? I want to be left alone to cry. Feeling like crying all the time, even when the simplest things like hearing a song playing on the radio.
I'd say yes
>
> Not wanting to be lonely, wanting someone to care or love me, but yet don't want anyone to be around myself right now. Don't want to infect anyone with my nastiness.I'd say yes.
>
> Wanting to be a mom, an involved mom, but yet it is so hard to do that when you want to be alone. I am failing my kids, they will probably forgive me, I haven't always been this way, but I am sure it is effecting them too. I hope not premantely.I'd say yes. I might add that, if possible, can you tell your kids that your not feeling good in terms they might understand?? Otherwise they may take it upon themselves. I went thru this with my kids. I am SURE they know that somethings up with Mom, and I think its comforting for them to know that you know, and are dealing with it as best you can, and that you will get better, just takes time. And mebbe if they want to ask questions they can. Try and find a time of day when you are at your more focussed to do this. I do beleive it helped my kids TONS that I did this. TONS. It also made me feel a little better too. I didn't have to work so hard to put on a show for the kids, which they saw thru anyways.
>
> I try so hard to fight this, I know the signs, I studied it for heavens sake, I know how to help myself, but it is so damn hard to even try. I should *know* better.And the sneaky crap depression pulls on you, even though you "know". Depression is nasty, but treatable.
>
> Ever feel dispair from life? Ever ask why you are here on this earth? Why does life do this? Why is it so damn hard to have happiness? I know others feel this way, but yet I feel alone in my stuggles.I am doing not too bad right now. I am so sorry you are where you are at right now, but try and hold on to the fact that this will pass.
>
> I saw a magnet today at Barnes and Noble it said, "Normal people are just people you haven't gotten to know yet.":-) EXACTLY
>
> How do I get myself out of this, I feel like I am walking in wet sand up to my knees, and my feet are getting heavier and heavier to move. What if I stop moving, will I drown in the quick sand? Is it a bottomless pit? Is it hell? Is depression one level away from hell?Well, my T is CBT so she tended to try and work on negative sh*t in my head I would say to myself. However, I DID need to take AD for a time. They were very useful. I took zoloft quite successfully (after trying a few others...)
>
> Why does it feel like I have died inside? If you are dead inside, can it even come back to life or is a terminal illness that robs you of everything? I just don't know.You feel dead cuz you are depressed. Noone knows bout depression unless they been there. It is mind boggling. Even now I am out, I still can't really remember the intensity, or mebbe I don't want to.
But please remember HF, that you DO COME OUT OF THE PIT, and you know what, the pit DOES give you a gift, a wonderful priceless gift, and that gift is, such a huge appreciation for the little things of life, cuz after being in the pit, everything is different and more precious, and that truly is a gift. Life is not the same after depression, its better, richer.
Maybe you should consider AD's for a time......it may take a few tries...but they were hugely helpful to me, to get me over the hump, cuz its hard to do ANYthing, let alone T, when you badly depressed.
Keep posting, you are NOT alone.
I understand, I think many babblers do.
Can you picture a muffled, inside you head with HF? HF not alone, muffled knows, and she just sits beside HF, and we can talk, or not, we can laugh, or not, but you not alone.
Take special care of my ((((HF))) OK?
Muffled
Posted by gazo on May 29, 2007, at 15:38:05
In reply to Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger*, posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 11:36:27
it feels like it has no ending, not even a beginning. It feels like maybe you always felt this way because you can't remember how it feels to feel good. Sound familiar? a lot of us understand, probly most of us.
Muffy's advice about talking to your kids is a good idea i think. My mom went through some hormonal issues but was too embarrassed to ask a doc...so the result was a depressed and angry person. It was confusing. i didn't feel mad at her or anything but it would have helped if i could have known what was happening.
do nice things for yourself, indulge a bit. Watch out for sugary foods and such though as they tend to increase the heavy, slow feeling. Have you tried guided visualization? It won't lift the depression per se, but it can help soothe and relax you. Getting through depression is like getting through any other medical problem... nurture.
people love you, remember that and anchor yourself to it. The sky may not look as blue, or the flowers as bright, but they will again.. the colour is still there. Life is as good and as sweet as it ever was in the best of moments...how you view it has changed.
((((HF))))
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 29, 2007, at 16:48:43
In reply to Re: Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigg » Happyflower, posted by gazo on May 29, 2007, at 15:38:05
Happyflower,
You have been happy in the past, and you WILL be happy again. I know that you don't believe me, and that you've put up a wall against being happy, but you can do this. You've done amazing things in therapy, and you've done things to survive that will give you the strength you need to get through this.Remember- happyflower is a survivor.
Okay- on to the pit. You are there. But you can also see that it gets deeper. I'm going to be a hardass, like my oldT was, and tell you something that might hurt in the short run might help in the long run
descending deeper into the pit is a matter of small choices. When you make the choice to pretend to act normal you climb a step up. When you make the choice to do something self-destructive you climb a step down.
And now a little trick that medications play- they diminish the chances that you'll make bad choices. They are like a little pep squad that says- you can go the bookstore today. You can play with your kids today. You can make healthy dinner today. You can make the good choices.
The good news is that you only need to do a little more positive than negative things every day. A little extra smiling (even fake smiling). A little exercise (don't turn it into "a whole workout or else I'm a failure" thing). A little fishoil in your diet. A little antidepressant every morning. keeping regular T appts. Smelling your happyflowers. Just one or two of those things everyday will pull you out of the pit, one step at a time.
In the meanwhile, sometimes the kindest thing you can do for yourself is to say it out loud "I am having problems right now. I feel terrible. I don't *know* how to feel better (trust me I've been there...) I don't have the right words to tell people how crappy I feel. I'm afraid of dying like this"
And it's okay to cry. Depression is a terrible affliction. You have every right to cry. You can cry because you have compassion in your heart, though. Cry because you miss the good times, and you wish to get back out of the pit. cry for your bruised and battered soul. cry for the thousands of other depressed people in your county. Cry for the 10% of people who suffer as you're suffering.
Know that you're not alone. I have been there. Maybe I've been there very recently. But everything you learn about yourself right now will give you strength to fight the voices "I'm a terrible person" "I've never been happy" "I don't deserve anything good" "This will never end" "there is no way out" "I'm all alone"
LIES. all LIES. figure out who the liar is. then challenge it.
You're STRONG happyflower. More than you believe right now, but we believe in you.
blessings and peace to your hurt,
-Ll
Posted by Honore on May 29, 2007, at 17:51:00
In reply to Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger*, posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 11:36:27
I'm feeling that way today. Sometimes it feels like it's always there, but I just keep it out of mind-- and then if something happens-- like my work doesn't go well for a while, or I get really disappointed about something, it gets so much stronger and just takes over. It's like looking at a really depressing black screen, a movie where nothing's happening, but shadows moving across the blackness.
I really wish I could feel as if there was something worthwhile, but I really don't.
Blocks or fears-- or inhibitions-- seem so pointless, so unnecessary, if only I had learned some other way, or not had my temperament-- if I hadn't given in to or become so weighed down with the idea that I was somehow not worthwhile. People get through the day. They can do something that feel useful, they have friends, or places to go, even drugs that they can resort to. So many people seem not to live without any release from this relentless sense of struggle for nothing. Sometimes it's like fighting to get out of a paper bag-- which I never have and which is so completely absurd, despite taking tons of energy.
There are always ways out-- better ways to live or efforts that you can make-- but the things that are frightening or upsetting don't make sense-- they just set off feelings that I can't control, or overcome.
What makes it worse, is that it's just some part of fate, almost arbitrary, like going into a path, and following it and getting lost-- but taking that path was really not necessary, or even meaningful, it was sort of casual, or unthinking. And whatever caused this complete reclusiveness seems somehow absolute, but so capricious. I mean, there are lots of people who don't feel that way, and who just go through life doing things-- even if they aren't so easy-- but still they take them for granted. I really don't understand why I took the path I did-- but it seems like I'm so far down it, that I can't really make it into some different way of being.
Honore
Posted by twinleaf on May 29, 2007, at 18:20:25
In reply to Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger*, posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 11:36:27
I have had these same feelings over the rupture with, and loss of, my previous analyst. My new one says that dead feeling-like you have died inside- is related to the loss of important people- that it echoes earlier losses, which we have all tried to overcome and defend against. He feels that the way to deal with it is to form a strong connection with someone. Maybe termination is premature for you at this point. Can you let your T know exactly what you are going through now? Just from reading what you have written in the past, I know he has been very helpful to you-the increased confidence and sense of well-being, playing in an orchestra,
returning to college. Because of all these successes, he may not realize that you have issues with termination, which may feel like abandonment. I don't know for sure, of course, if this is what is causing your depression, but it is worth discussing it all thoroughly with him, and allowing him to help you.
Posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 20:21:31
In reply to Re: Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger* » Happyflower, posted by twinleaf on May 29, 2007, at 18:20:25
Being Stoned
Suffering life’s cruel hits
Cutting deeper with each impact
Should I keep reaching,
Or accepts life’s punishment
Like an abused dog trembling ?Each step in the heavy thick muck,
Gets more grueling as I sink deeper
Damned if I fight and Damned if I am silenced.Stones are up to my chin,
Lungs compressed gasping for air
Dirt up my nostrils, sand in my eyesHow do I rescue myself with all of life’s weight
Suffocating in anguish, life cruel realities
Bearing down on me, trapped with no hope
Why am I so f*cked?
Posted by Sigismund on May 29, 2007, at 20:38:39
In reply to A first draft of my poem *trigger*, posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 20:21:31
I'm not at all sure what you can do about your (or my) condition.
Whatever there is to do has at least partly been done, often to no great effect.
Practice resignation and patience?Anyway, normality is a mass media conspiracy.
This computer has really strange g's and Ws. Will they come out like that on this post? (No)
How does anything work?
Maybe senility will be a relief?
You know, wearing party hats and stuff?
Posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 21:29:06
In reply to Re: Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger*, posted by Nathan_Arizona on May 29, 2007, at 13:34:37
Hey all, I need to get to bed, I will respond tomrrow, right now I need to crash. Thanks all of you , your words mean a lot, and I will need to read them again tomorrow, that is for sure. Good night.
Posted by Happyflower on May 31, 2007, at 13:03:36
In reply to Re: Wanting to issolate my miserable self * trigger*, posted by Happyflower on May 29, 2007, at 21:29:06
I keep reading your message, actually copied them to remind myself of all the good advice and all. But I just can't seem to respond to the stuff. Too hard too. But I want to say thanks for all the kind words and support. Is it okay to do that, I am not ready to face the other stuff right now.
Wimpyflower
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