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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on May 23, 2007, at 10:39:44
I feel this terrible consuming sadness :-(
If I could have tears I would.
I think maybe that IKid of mine DID get hurt :-(
I keep pretending that I am pretending she hurt, but that its a;ll hogwash.
But,
Damn,
Maybe she was.
God and I have been so awful to her.
Someone trys to say she is me but she is NOT.
I not been going to T.
We had a challenging session awhile back.
I don't think my T knows what to do with me.
So I not been going.
She checked in w/me last week.
I told her that I dunno what to do.
She didn't seem to know either. Said something bout more structure.
That Ikid is NOT me.
All my people are spazzing.
I dunno why.
I dunno what to do.
I just want it to stop.
I want to hide away.
But I can't.
I got reponsibilities.
I don't want my kids to be fearful.
Damn.
M
Posted by twinleaf on May 23, 2007, at 11:30:06
In reply to Sigh, posted by muffled on May 23, 2007, at 10:39:44
This sounds so hard. Can you keep going, but let some of the toughest things calm down a bit while you strengthen what feels like you- and strengthen your connection to your T? I have become convinced that you can get feeling better by using the stronger parts of yourself in the relationship, and allowing the younger parts to connect up non-verbally- right hemisphere to right hemisphere- when you are relating well to your T. Some people think that the early parts of us which have been traumatized are never going to be totally verbal, and some aspects aren't going to be verbal at all, but they do take in everything about the tone of your T's voice, his (her) gaze, body language, and some estimate of whether they are feeling contained and cared about- that's really what those younger parts need and want. With the T I have now, so far, we have not gone into early abuse issues. But he knows they are there, and seems to be with me in such a way that I am feeling a bit more confortable and safe- about them and about him. I hope this can happen for you, too. What you are going through now sounds so terribly hard, and doesn't give any part of your brain a chance to rest or calm down.
Posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 17:55:54
In reply to Re: Sigh » muffled, posted by twinleaf on May 23, 2007, at 11:30:06
Muffy,
I can here your heavy sigh from here. I like what twinleaf has to say.
Maybe you T might be stumped on what to do, but if you don't give her a chance and see her, she can't help at all.
Your T cares about you and sometimes that might be what you need even if she can't fix everything.
But I am kinda screwy lately so maybe I am not making any sense. I don't know, my T can't help me fix some of my problems,but just talking to him about them and hearing his carin voice helps. Take care muffy. I am glad you are posting again.
Posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 23, 2007, at 21:07:26
In reply to Re: Sigh, posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 17:55:54
muffled,
I know the feeling of incredible sadness.It takes immense courage to allow your inner kid to have a voice.
You fear that what she has to say will break your heart and ruin your life.
You've already started down this path though, and she will get stronger and stronger until you cannot ignore her any longer. When that happens you will be with your T, and she will help you understand how you can learn to live with your hurt and pain. How you can learn from it. How you can surrender to it, and that it won't kill you.
You can learn these things. You always write me "you gonna be okay" and that helps. I wish I could convince you that "you gonna be okay" too.
You can walk it alone. It's terrifying though. You're not a bad person if you allow someone to walk with you. Sometimes your T will hold your hand. Sometimes she'll be 10 steps ahead of you, or behind you, but let her be there for you. She cares. She will come and get you if you go missing. She cares that much.
love,
Ll
Posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2007, at 22:15:47
In reply to Re: Sigh, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 23, 2007, at 21:07:26
Muffled you're a beautiful person. Love Phillipa
Posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2007, at 22:48:27
In reply to Sigh, posted by muffled on May 23, 2007, at 10:39:44
Muffled you are amazing. Your T cares about you a lot. She is there to help you and every once in awhile we cross over some bumps in the road. This is where both of you are. You will continue on your journey and she will be there with you. You will get stronger along the way. Some days we stop and look back and wonder where we've been. Other day's we look forward to what we know we can see, we start going in that direction and when we get there, we take another look and see how much farther we can go. One step at a time and sometimes those steps are baby steps.
May you find the peace you need so that the pain will go away. You are finding your way.
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on May 23, 2007, at 22:58:23
In reply to Re: Sigh » muffled, posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2007, at 22:48:27
Posted by muffled on May 24, 2007, at 15:11:36
In reply to Re: Sigh » muffled, posted by twinleaf on May 23, 2007, at 11:30:06
> This sounds so hard. Can you keep going, but let some of the toughest things calm down a bit while you strengthen what feels like you- and strengthen your connection to your T? I have become convinced that you can get feeling better by using the stronger parts of yourself in the relationship, and allowing the younger parts to connect up non-verbally- right hemisphere to right hemisphere- when you are relating well to your T. Some people think that the early parts of us which have been traumatized are never going to be totally verbal, and some aspects aren't going to be verbal at all, but they do take in everything about the tone of your T's voice, his (her) gaze, body language, and some estimate of whether they are feeling contained and cared about- that's really what those younger parts need and want. With the T I have now, so far, we have not gone into early abuse issues. But he knows they are there, and seems to be with me in such a way that I am feeling a bit more confortable and safe- about them and about him. I hope this can happen for you, too. What you are going through now sounds so terribly hard, and doesn't give any part of your brain a chance to rest or calm down.
**gee TL great post!
Really got me to thinking.
Its funny how you can't see the forest for the trees....
Babbles real helpful that way.
So thanks for that TL.
I dunno if we have met B4? But nice to meet you.
Yeah, giving my brain a chance to chill, cuz the youngers get everything SO riled. NOT shutdown youngers completely, but just give myself a break...
I gonna keep trying w/T I did phone her. I go next week. We'll see. I did show her some of these posts. Hope thats OK.
I also like the way you used the word traumatized, its broad, its good, and since I dunno what That inside kids prob is, its a useful word. Trauma being so subjective. Yup, sad, but good word.
Thanks, hope your T goes well for you too.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on May 24, 2007, at 15:15:29
In reply to Re: Sigh, posted by Happyflower on May 23, 2007, at 17:55:54
>Your T cares about you and sometimes that might be what you need even if she can't fix everything.
**you said just the right thing HF.She CAN'T fix all, thats EXACTLY right, but she can at least make me feel not so alone in this....at least someone irl has got my back...mostly anyhow....
Sorry you got hard times right now too :-(
Hope the nastyness can lift some for you soon.
Remember we fighters.
(((HF)))
Muffly
Posted by muffled on May 24, 2007, at 15:28:21
In reply to Re: Sigh, posted by LlurpsieNoodle on May 23, 2007, at 21:07:26
> muffled,
> I know the feeling of incredible sadness.**yes, I am sure of that :-( and I am so terribly sorry :-(
> It takes immense courage to allow your inner kid to have a voice.**Sigh. I trying to, but she don't got words, I seem to be only getting these horrible emot shots from her...and thats enough. I don't want no more.
> You fear that what she has to say will break your heart and ruin your life.**maybe just shake what I have created in my void of memory. I had a great childhood. All was good. And I think much of it proly was. I don't want to know anything else. I just want the kid to leave us in peace.
> You've already started down this path though, and she will get stronger and stronger until you cannot ignore her any longer. When that happens you will be with your T, and she will help you understand how you can learn to live with your hurt and pain. How you can learn from it. How you can surrender to it, and that it won't kill you.
**I cannot ignore her, she haunts me. But I a dissociative, I can keep stuff at bay forever.....more or less....
>
> You can learn these things. You always write me "you gonna be okay" and that helps. I wish I could convince you that "you gonna be okay" too.**Oh I be OK. Thats one of the upsides of dissociation. I KNOW there are parts that will carry me. I just worry bout some of the spazzier ones accidentally bumping this body off.....in a fit of freakout. I have excellent control 98% of the time, esp now I have recognition, but its that 2% that concerns me.....its awful that I can be not there :-(
But I guess you know how that is :-(
> You can walk it alone. It's terrifying though. You're not a bad person if you allow someone to walk with you. Sometimes your T will hold your hand. Sometimes she'll be 10 steps ahead of you, or behind you, but let her be there for you. She cares. She will come and get you if you go missing. She cares that much.**Sigh...again. Thats what my T says alot, that she walking w/me....its a good analogy.
I once asked T in fax, 'if I get lost in space, will you rent a rocket and try to find me if you can.....?'
God I feel so sad.
But I be OK. I go look at nature and be OK. I can flip like a coin.
> love,
> LlThanks,
(((LL)))
Muffly
Posted by muffled on May 24, 2007, at 15:29:01
In reply to Re: Sigh, posted by Phillipa on May 23, 2007, at 22:15:47
Posted by muffled on May 24, 2007, at 15:32:48
In reply to Re: Sigh » muffled, posted by LadyBug on May 23, 2007, at 22:48:27
> Muffled you are amazing. Your T cares about you a lot. She is there to help you and every once in awhile we cross over some bumps in the road. This is where both of you are. You are finding your way.
> LadyBug**Wonderful post Ladybug.
Thank you.
I think she DOES care.....which TOTALLY throws me for a loop.
She knows lotsa my sh*t and STILL cares??????????
Weird.
Good visual description, like those.
Bump in the road, but we get back on track.
Take care LB.
Hope your doing OK.
Muffly
Posted by twinleaf on May 25, 2007, at 22:20:17
In reply to Re: Sigh » twinleaf, posted by muffled on May 24, 2007, at 15:11:36
I hope you know me! I was Pfinstegg, but couldn't re-register that way after the hack- so now I'm twinleaf. My former T seemed to really want my earlier parts to speak for themselves- kind of like you, I think, and I had a really hard time knowing how to do that. The new one has a different approach- I say whatever I want- all the conscious things- , and I think he assumes the very early parts are communicating with him in multiple non-verbal ways, as I feel he is with them. l am finding it more helpful than struggling to put into words things and experiences which, in fact, may not have words.
Keep us up to date on how it is going- I gather it's a bit better already. You can always feel free to bring anything from me into therapy- I'd be honored, and used to do it quite a lot with my former T. I used to bring in both mine and other peoples', and it
almost always led to a deeper and more meaningful exchange between us.
Posted by Phillipa on May 25, 2007, at 22:25:05
In reply to Re: Sigh » muffled, posted by twinleaf on May 25, 2007, at 22:20:17
Maybe sign off your posts for a while so many new names. That way we can get used to the new names. Love Phillipa
Posted by muffled on May 28, 2007, at 15:00:00
In reply to Re: Sigh » twinleaf, posted by Phillipa on May 25, 2007, at 22:25:05
This is the end of the thread.
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