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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by wishingstar on May 21, 2007, at 23:45:50
I'm a bit "all over the place" this past week or so, but amazingly enough, I've actually been doing quite well overall. At least as compared to the last few months.
I've decided to throw the guy I was dating to the curb. Done. He only made it to the final act (1 of 3) of the ballet I was in this weekend, and when we spoke the next day, he referred to the Nutcracker and thought that was what he was watching. We didnt do the Nutcracker.. we did The Little Prince! Glad he was paying attention, huh? It was just one more careless thing from him, and I've had enough. I'm happy with this decision and I actually feel pretty empowered about it.
I've been doing to the intensive outpatient (MWF, 3hrs/day) program since last Monday. It's DBT-style, but they only teach the mindfulness and reality acceptance pieces. That part hasnt been terribly helpful, but the small side conversations I've had with the leader have really renewed my confidence in myself and my ability to know what I need. So many professionals have basically said "you think you know, but you dont". It has been terribly invalidating and really contributed to my depression. He has basically told me that theyre all wrong, and that I'm the expert on myself. It helps a lot.
I made a comment about Anne, ex-T from heck the other day, and talked to the leader a bit about it after group. Other professionals since then have basically said that it's my own issues making what she did seem like such a big deal. He disagrees and said I should consider reporting it. Regardless of whether I report it or not, it feels SO good to have someone say "yes, what she did was wrong, and it doesnt matter what issues you have. she was wrong." I am considering it. He said she'd likely just get a letter of reprimand for it and that's exactly what I'd want. I dont want her to lose her license of anything serious, but some forced recognition that she screwed up would be nice and helpful for me.
Otherwise, that's about it. I'm not sure if my new attitude is healthy and Im really suddenly accepting things as they are, or if I'm ignoring and pushing away and it'll be back to bite me in a week or two. That has happened before. But for now, I'm going to try and just enjoy it while it lasts. This new feeling started actually a few days before I started DBT, so while it helps, I know it isnt all a result of that. I'm not sure where it's coming from, but I'm not complaining!
Lots of things to talk about in therapy tomorrow. Lots of new thoughts and ideas. Does anyone ever have trouble distinguishing what "happy" feels like? Sometimes lately I wonder if I really do have a mild bipolar, not just regular depression. This feels a bit over the top. But I'm so out of touch with what "happy" feels like, I cant really say. Maybe this is how normal people feel, even though it feels a bit extreme to me. Just not sure. I guess time will tell. If it's bipolar, I can expect a crash again soon.
Glad to have babble back. :)
Posted by scratchpad on May 22, 2007, at 8:30:03
In reply to update... doing well, posted by wishingstar on May 21, 2007, at 23:45:50
WS, it sounds like you're feeling a lot better! I'm so glad for you!
sp
Posted by LadyBug on May 22, 2007, at 9:54:43
In reply to update... doing well, posted by wishingstar on May 21, 2007, at 23:45:50
I hope the good continues. You deserve to be doing well. Take care.
LadyBug
Posted by muffled on May 22, 2007, at 10:18:55
In reply to update... doing well, posted by wishingstar on May 21, 2007, at 23:45:50
Posted by Phillipa on May 22, 2007, at 12:09:46
In reply to Re: update... doing well, posted by LadyBug on May 22, 2007, at 9:54:43
Wishingstar congrats sounds like you are indeed doing well. Love Phillipa
Posted by rubenstein on May 22, 2007, at 16:23:06
In reply to update... doing well, posted by wishingstar on May 21, 2007, at 23:45:50
I have a lot of trouble distinguishing what happy means. It seems so illusive and when I am in it I deny the fact that I am having that experience. It seems like something I am always striving for but maybe that really sn't the right course for me.
I am glad that you feel validated again about your feelings toward your therapist Anne. It was wrong and it is so hard for me, sometimes, to admit taht someone who is supposed to be helping me messed up.
Anyway I am thinking of you
take care
rachel
Posted by caraher on May 22, 2007, at 16:56:25
In reply to Re: update... doing well, posted by rubenstein on May 22, 2007, at 16:23:06
It does sound like you are genuinely doing better. I'm glad to hear it!
Posted by Poet on May 22, 2007, at 18:57:34
In reply to update... doing well, posted by wishingstar on May 21, 2007, at 23:45:50
Hi Wishingstar,
I've talked about what happy feels like with my T and I finally concluded that I rarely allow myself to feel it because I'm afraid something bad will happen to take the feeling away. Last week I allowed myself to say that I'm content at my new job when she asked if I am happy there.
I'm glad the outpatient program is working out for you. Congratulations on gaining confidence in yourself and if you can allow it, feel some of that happiness.
Poet
Posted by wishingstar on May 22, 2007, at 22:20:48
In reply to update... doing well, posted by wishingstar on May 21, 2007, at 23:45:50
thank you everyone. :)
I had a bit of a harder day today, but still nothing compared to where I was a few weeks ago.
Saw Ginny. I was so ready to talk... had lots of things in my head I was prepared and wanting to talk about. But first thing, she started questioning about "had I thought more about leaving therapy". I told her I'm frustrated because I feel like her continung to bring that up just keeps me distanced.. keeps me from being able to start rebuilding. She didnt understand that. While I love Ginny as a person, and we do get along very well, she just has missed the point entirely. I'm trying so hard to rebuild and I feel like shes pushing against it. Her interpretations arent even correct that often anymore.
So here it is. Tomorrow I'm going to call and make an appt with a new therapist. I'm really mad at myself for playing this game though. I need to get it together, stop pretending like I need help to get attention, and just stop. I dont know. But I'll try to make a call. I'm so sick of this........
Posted by raisinb on May 23, 2007, at 14:45:37
In reply to Re: update... doing well, posted by wishingstar on May 22, 2007, at 22:20:48
I think it's really strange how she's trying to push you out like that (or maybe that's not what you feel she's trying to do?), yet still making you appointments. Have you challenged her about this? What does she say?
I feel bad for you. It's hard to go through this kind of thing.
Posted by wishingstar on May 24, 2007, at 9:55:08
In reply to Re: update... doing well, posted by raisinb on May 23, 2007, at 14:45:37
Well, I do feel like shes trying to push me out. Like shes saying "you can stay, but PLEASE GO", even though she freqently says she isnt trying to tell me I have to leave. I want to rebuild our relationship... I used to trust her a lot and we had a good connection. But everytime I go in to therapy, ready to talk, ready to be really open and see where it goes, we end up in this discussion about where we're at, whether I've thought more about staying versus trying someone new, whether quitting and taking a break from therapy all together would be good, etc. It feels impossible to rebuild a relationship when someone keeps reminding you of that. I've told her how I feel about that, and that its frustrating, but I dont think she gets it. Last time I was there I fought back tears for 10 min (I never cry in therapy) because I had so many things I wanted to talk about.. and I was so excited to see her and tell her what had happened.. and she brought up all that stuff first. It just totally shut me down. After that conversation was over, she asked what I wanted to talk about and I just said I dont know. I just cant.
I made appts with a few new Ts. I made a thread below about it. I really just miss the old Ginny. I used to see her twice a week. I agreed to see her in the beginning based on the promise that I'd be able to do that. Then in Feb. or so, 2 minutes to the end of the session, she said we had to stop twice a weeks (agency rule) and was surprised I looked sad. This is where the "you can go somewhere else" started. She never really understood how I felt about it and we never worked through it... it just got pushed under the carpet. I fianly stopped mentioning it because I know she isnt going to get it.
Ginny really is a wonderful person. She cares a lot.. she even came and visited me in the hospital. We get along really well, laugh a lot, etc. I will really miss her. What I'm asking for seems to simple (some validation, reassurance, etc).... I dont undertand why she cant just do it.
Posted by wishingstar on May 24, 2007, at 9:56:43
In reply to Re: update... doing well » raisinb, posted by wishingstar on May 24, 2007, at 9:55:08
I guess I didnt really answer your question. She isnt forcing me to continue making appointments.. I'm choosing to. I guess I'm the idiot who isnt getting the message from her huh? I just keep trying, hoping I can make it work. But I guess I'm giving up on that. Probably the best.
Posted by frida on May 24, 2007, at 10:44:44
In reply to Re: update... doing well » raisinb, posted by wishingstar on May 24, 2007, at 9:55:08
Hi wishinstar,
did you tell Ginny exactly this? What this post says?
i am so sorry she's not understanding this...
did you get to tell her, when you saw her, that you were sad because you had come to see her with so much to share and in the end you couldn't really talk?
I am sorry, I wish she could hear what you truly need...Frida
Posted by raisinb on May 24, 2007, at 10:58:29
In reply to Re: update... doing well - ps, posted by wishingstar on May 24, 2007, at 9:56:43
Well...I guess my point was, it takes two to make an appointment. If she thinks that for your best interests you should go elsewhere, I don't understand why she doesn't bring it up and set an ending date, or at least talk to you about it. It seems like she doesn't think she can help you but she doesn't want to end the relationship directly, so she's trying to get you to do it. What would burn me up is that she's not taking the responsibility that Ts should.
This is all IMHO of course--I might be wrong. It definitely seems like the two of you have some major miscommunication going on. It really sucks. I'm sorry, and I hope you have some good appointments soon.
Posted by wishingstar on May 24, 2007, at 11:44:42
In reply to Re: update... doing well - ps, posted by raisinb on May 24, 2007, at 10:58:29
I see your point.. sorry I misunderstood. I really dont know the answer. I think she's very hesitant and probably walking on eggshells because she knows if she forces me to leave, I'd react very strongly. I'm very very sensitive to that after some bad experiences in the past.
I think youre right about the miscommunication. I dont know where we're missing each other, but I know shes a smart woman and this is just getting crazy.
Posted by wishingstar on May 24, 2007, at 11:53:54
In reply to Re: update... doing well » wishingstar, posted by frida on May 24, 2007, at 10:44:44
I believe I've told her all that, yes. I told her a few weeks ago I feel like shes saying "you can stay, but please leave!" and she denied that shes trying to get me to leave, but it has continued to feel that way. I've told her more than once that I'm frustrated and that I'm trying to rebuild but that her continually mentioning leaving makes the gap bigger. She said she feels like she has to keep mentioning it because shes afraid I'll get stuck and keep coming even if its not helpful or harmful (in the past, I saw a therapist WAY beyond where it was helpful and it became pretty destructive for me because I couldnt leave, so thats harping on that). I've asked her to trust me and my decisions but she doesnt. I guess I can understand why, but I wish she'd see that what she's doing is counterproductive. This week she said something like "do you think you want to keep seeing me?" and I said, "well, I'm still coming, arent I?" She kind of blew it off.. it felt like her saying "yes, but that doesnt mean anything". Why cant she see how hard I'm trying? I'm tempted to email her what I wrote in the original post about her on this thread... but I'm not sure if it's worth it. I dont want to beat my head against a wall if its not going to work. I do have a habit of thinking I just MUST make things work, and if I only try hard enough... and maybe I've hit the line where I need to stop trying. Not sure.
I didnt tell her this week that I had wanted to talk and then shut down. I was reacting too much to the fact that it had happened internally and just didnt want to open up to her.
She did tell me my behavior with a friend was "un-borderline-y" though! Do I get a prize? Ehh,, we dont know how to help her, she must be borderline...... blech.
Posted by raisinb on May 25, 2007, at 8:58:04
In reply to Re: update... doing well - ps » raisinb, posted by wishingstar on May 24, 2007, at 11:44:42
Oh, that's okay :) No, she should never force you to leave, but she could be more direct, like saying, "WS, I would never force you out, and you can stay as long as you like. But I don't know if this is working, and because I care about you, I would like to see you in a better situation. Is is okay with you if we start talking about referrals?"
I'm sorry again that you're having to go through this.
This is the end of the thread.
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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
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