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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:36:09
I was getting out of the tub and it hit me. I DON'T WANNA. I don't want to let my T see my 'people'. NO NO NO.
I am ashamed of my weirdness. She gonna think I am SO weird. I have to be SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO careful cuz what if someone says something and I can't stop her? What if something comes out of me that shouldn't????? Then EP will come and punish me for not being quiet and saying stuff I shouldn't and now I see what I write and WTF IS this??????????????Why do I write this????????????????????And I don't want to go to T but I want to see T. I HAVE to keep her away. HAVE to.I dunno what to do. I hope I not like this when the time comes I hope I all just calm like I can be sometimes and no emot and all calm cuz NOTHING bugs me.
I KNOW NOTHING AND I NEVER EVER WILL.So whats the point?
Muffled, I supposed to be muffled. Now I know why its a good name for me. I just picked it cuz I don't talk much irl. Just fax T.
I scared I gonna scare my T.
Then she will run away, and I will know the truth of me, that I gross and bad. She said I wasn't , that its lies. But if she runs away its TRUE.
I scared.
I muffled.
I wonder how to make the water come from my eyes. Cuz if it did, maybe the feeling in my throat would go away. My chest would deflate. And I wouldn't be dizzy.
Can't do that either though.
But I dunno why I like this? I had GREAT family. So lucky for me. Pets, trees to climb. Fishing, camping. All good.My sisters say s'all good mostly.
I just not good I guess.
Badly wired brain.
Sigh.
I sigh alot.
Maybe I should not do T?
Maybe it will go wrong?
I am tired now.
Muffled
Posted by gazo on April 15, 2007, at 0:32:40
In reply to Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT**, posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:36:09
oh muffy.. i don't know what to say to help, but i want to help. :o(
i don't quite know what you mean by your people...?
please take care of yourself ok? i care about you.
Posted by muffled on April 15, 2007, at 13:19:59
In reply to Re: Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT** » muffled, posted by gazo on April 15, 2007, at 0:32:40
> oh muffy.. i don't know what to say to help, but i want to help. :o(
>
> i don't quite know what you mean by your people...?
>
> please take care of yourself ok? i care about you.**Ahhh Gazo, you a sweet one :-)
My 'People'
I dunno for exactly sure, but I have dissociated parts of myself, like ego states or something. Sorta parts, frozen in time. They are me, but they are not me. Its more like they not me, but I KNOW we all in this same body... Its weird, and lotsa time I would never know, but other times(fear or stress) its very obvo to me. Its all very confusing, but much less than it used to be before I knew where all the noise in my head was comming from.They just cause alot of internal conflict.
I am rather ashamed and embarrased of being this way. And I guess I've hidden them even from myself for so long, and they kinda private or something.
I dunno, I dunno, its just freaking me out cuz i think I goto deal with them and its freaky.
Sh*t.
Posted by Poet on April 15, 2007, at 14:02:36
In reply to Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT**, posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:36:09
Hi Muffled,
Maybe you could ask your T if she thinks she can handle meeting your *people?* Like when I give my T warning that what I'm going to say she really doesn't want to hear. She always replies, she wants to hear everything. I suspect your T wants to meet your people, because they're part of you and she wants to get to know all of you, so to speak.
Good luck. Remember to bring that stuffie to throw at her if you need to. Maybe do some fishing or something to distract you until you see her.
Poet
Posted by gazo on April 15, 2007, at 14:36:32
In reply to Re: Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT** » gazo, posted by muffled on April 15, 2007, at 13:19:59
i thought maybe you meant something along those lines. That must be very difficult and confusing. i hope you find a way to deal with them in a safe way, when you are ready.
(((((tough-stuff-muffy)))))
Posted by canadagirl on April 15, 2007, at 14:38:50
In reply to Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT**, posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:36:09
Hi Muffled, gestalt therapy or gestalt techniques are really good for this, talking to our "parts" "ego states" whatever. Maybe your T can try some with you? How would you feel if you were the one doing the talking to these parts in front of your T? You could say whatever you wanted and they could say whatever back to you. Do you think you could do this ? That way it's not like your T is talking to them (if you are nervous about that). I must say, I felt completely stupid doing this at first. Talking to a "part". But hey, it answered me.LOL.
I figured it was my dime and my time so why not get the most out of it and at least give it a try. It did help. Especially because these are just different aspects of ourselves and our subconscious and when you hear what your subconscious has to say, it's often quite interesting. And your T will absolutely NOT think you are weird or be frightened, or whatever. Imagine, a therapist actually invented the technique of talking to "parts" - so how weird is that!!
Posted by littleone on April 15, 2007, at 21:51:12
In reply to Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT**, posted by muffled on April 14, 2007, at 23:36:09
Hey muffled, hope you're feeling a bit better today.
> I was getting out of the tub and it hit me. I DON'T WANNA. I don't want to let my T see my 'people'. NO NO NO.
I know this is a very real fear. But I also wonder if the reason it is coming on strong now is because your T will back again soon. Your trust levels are down at the moment. Your fear levels may be up. If her absense is coming into play here, just remember that you don't need to expose yourself to her all at once when she comes back. You can give yourself time to trust her again. You can take things as slow as you want.
Also, I wasn't sure about something. I know that parts of you have faxed stuff to your T and you've talked about parts, so she knows they are there. But are you saying here that she's never seen a part out there in her office? For some reason I thought she had, but maybe I'm just confused and forgetting stuff.
> I am ashamed of my weirdness. She gonna think I am SO weird.
She already knows what you're like and she doesn't think you're weird now. She will take everything in her stride and she will see positives in you that maybe you can't. She is not going to think you're weird. Because none of it is weird. There's a reason why you think/act/feel/etc as you do. (And don't freak out because I'm not saying you were abused. I would have no idea about that. I'm just saying that there's something that makes you be who you are. Like how leaves are green because of the chloroform stuff. You just need to understand your reasons for why you are like you are. And cause there are reasons there, it means your actions/thoughts/feelings/etc can be explained and therefore they are not weird.)
> Then EP will come and punish me for not being quiet and saying stuff I shouldn't
Is EP another part, or a real life person? I don't want to push you, so only answer if you're okay with that.
> and now I see what I write and WTF IS this??????????????Why do I write this????????????????????
It's okay muffled. Sometimes journal writing (and babbling by extension I guess) can let out unconscious thoughts. That's perfectly normal and okay and is half the reason why we do it. And if you have parts, then sometimes it will let the other parts say stuff they might not normally say. Just make sure you show it to your T and she can help you understand it.
> And I don't want to go to T but I want to see T. I HAVE to keep her away. HAVE to.I dunno what to do.
Go see your T. Gradually build the trust up with her again. After a while you will see that she is still the same T she was before you went away. You will see that she hasn't changed. You will see that she still sees you like she always did. You can count on her. Just take the little steps. Goal one is getting to your T appointment. Then goal two is to hand over stuff you've written (if that's what you normally do). Then listen to stuff she says and gradually let her in again. If it turns out that she's become horrible and dangerous and nasty and awful, you can always stay away after that. (But I'm betting she won't be those bad things).
>I hope I not like this when the time comes I hope I all just calm like I can be sometimes and no emot and all calm cuz NOTHING bugs me.
I never know what I'll be like when I get in to see my T. Even when I'm sitting in his waiting room I still have no idea what I'll be like once I go in and sit down. Bit of pot luck there. Not sure if you're the same or not. But however you are, just try to accept that that's how you are on that day and that's what you have to work with and try to deal with whatever comes up.
> Muffled, I supposed to be muffled. Now I know why its a good name for me. I just picked it cuz I don't talk much irl. Just fax T.
It's funny cause I was starting to get real used to iwillsurvive. It makes sense though. Now you're muffled again because you have to pull in and hide away and protect yourself from your returning T. Need to stay quiet. Maybe another name you could use would be scaredbuttryingtotrustT.
> I scared I gonna scare my T.
> Then she will run away, and I will know the truth of me, that I gross and bad. She said I wasn't , that its lies. But if she runs away its TRUE.You won't. She won't. But I can hear your scaredness loud and clear. Trust her just a tiny bit to get to your session. Then you can see how to move next.
> I am tired now.
I hope you had sweet dreams.
Posted by muffled on April 15, 2007, at 22:20:43
In reply to Re: Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT** » muffled, posted by Poet on April 15, 2007, at 14:02:36
> Maybe you could ask your T if she thinks she can handle meeting your *people?* Like when I give my T warning that what I'm going to say she really doesn't want to hear. She always replies, she wants to hear everything. I suspect your T wants to meet your people, because they're part of you and she wants to get to know all of you, so to speak.*Yeah, my T is OK w/it I guess. She has said so before, before she went away.
But for weeks BEFORE she went away I shut her out cuz I knew she was going, and then she gone 6 wks, and then I waffle bout going back...its been a long time.
If I recall correctly she even tried to talk to kid, or asked if it was ok, after something I'd written. So I guess she OK. Guess its just all me. As usu. Dumbass me. Oh well.
So I'll remember stuffie, lol, and hell, i'll mebbe peg it at her even if I NOT mad, cuz it WOULD be kinda funny ;-o LOL!!!!
Thanks Poet for your reassurance, your most probably right, and take care.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on April 15, 2007, at 22:21:35
In reply to Re: Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT** » muffled, posted by gazo on April 15, 2007, at 14:36:32
Posted by muffled on April 15, 2007, at 22:33:12
In reply to Re: Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT** » muffled, posted by canadagirl on April 15, 2007, at 14:38:50
> Hi Muffled, gestalt therapy or gestalt techniques are really good for this, talking to our "parts" "ego states" whatever. Maybe your T can try some with you? How would you feel if you were the one doing the talking to these parts in front of your T? You could say whatever you wanted and they could say whatever back to you. Do you think you could do this ? That way it's not like your T is talking to them (if you are nervous about that). I must say, I felt completely stupid doing this at first. Talking to a "part". But hey, it answered me.LOL.
**My parts are not so clear that i can have a conversation with them in front of T, though its a good thot.I can scarecely talk to T myself!!! I can ask them stuff and sometimes get answers. Sometimes they will talk and then just completely shut up and there's nothing I can do to get them to come back. Also younguns are EXTREEMLY super shy. T one time asked questions and I then asked the kid (non verbally), and the kid would tell me, and then I would tell T. But then kid got upset and I dissociated and that was then end of that!
>
> I figured it was my dime and my time so why not get the most out of it and at least give it a try. It did help. Especially because these are just different aspects of ourselves and our subconscious and when you hear what your subconscious has to say, it's often quite interesting. And your T will absolutely NOT think you are weird or be frightened, or whatever. Imagine, a therapist actually invented the technique of talking to "parts" - so how weird is that!!
>
**Yeah, I am to the point that I just am tired of this too.
Its expensive. I understand that my people are different aspects of me. I am not sure they subconscious though, but who knows. They are who they are. I may deny them, but I don't diss them anymore, so thats good.
Thanks for encouragement. Guess my T has seen plenty of stuff in her time....and she tough.
Thanks, nice to hear from you canadagirl, and I hope you doing OK.
Muffled
Posted by muffled on April 15, 2007, at 22:58:32
In reply to Re: Oh God, I don't wanna.**trigger RANT** » muffled, posted by littleone on April 15, 2007, at 21:51:12
> Hey muffled, hope you're feeling a bit better today.
**Yeah, some thanks...
> You can give yourself time to trust her again. You can take things as slow as you want.
**Good point. She patient. See its mostly not too bad this time. Mostly I am Ok w/still trusting her, I just kinda scared cuz its been so long, and.....well I dunno why I scared, but I am.
>
> Also, I wasn't sure about something. I know that parts of you have faxed stuff to your T and you've talked about parts, so she knows they are there. But are you saying here that she's never seen a part out there in her office? For some reason I thought she had, but maybe I'm just confused and forgetting stuff.**There have been proly only mebbe 2-3 parts there. And I dunno if she knows. I don't talk alot at best....Rarely look at her, and if I scared at all, I lean over my knees to hide completely, or just blank out.
I guess I could ask if she's noticed...cept mebbe i don't want to know the answer to that....No I don't want to know. SH*T.
> She already knows what you're like and she doesn't think you're weird now. She will take everything in her stride There's a reason why you think/act/feel/etc as you do. ( Like how leaves are green because of the chloroform stuff. You just need to understand your reasons for why you are like you are.**I dunno if I will ever know :( Most of my kidhood is a big blank, what little I know is what I been told. I can remember our backyard, but maybe thats from when I was older. I just get scared to try and remember. I don't think I ever will. I just am what I am.
> Is EP another part, or a real life person? I don't want to push you, so only answer if you're okay with that.
**EP= emotionless protector. When we done something real bad or stupid it punishes us. It also is ultimate protection. It feels nothing. It scares us. It scares me.
> It's okay muffled. Sometimes journal writing (and babbling by extension I guess) can let out unconscious thoughts. That's perfectly normal and okay and is half the reason why we do it. And if you have parts, then sometimes it will let the other parts say stuff they might not normally say. Just make sure you show it to your T and she can help you understand it.
**Ugh. I had an awful experience the other day. Iwas journalling, specifically to let my others talk. And usually its 'me' and the others talk thru me, but the other day I was writing and as I read it, it was awful, I read it and I realized it was ME writing, thru someone else, I was secondary,insteada the other way round. That upset me alot. I hate it when stuff like that happens.
> Go see your T. Goal one is getting to your T appointment. Then goal two is to hand over stuff you've written (if that's what you normally do).
**I normally fax her writings ahead of time, but I not so sure, I think I will wait and see this first time back.
> I never know what I'll be like when I get in to see my T. Even when I'm sitting in his waiting room I still have no idea what I'll be like once I go in and sit down. Bit of pot luck there. Not sure if you're the same or not.**LOL! I am the same. Sometimes I sit there outside and try SO hard to be rational adult, then the second I sit down in the office, POOF, I am in protective mode. Sometimes (mebbe often even) I am toughie, and its embarassing, so I say almost nothing then.
> It's funny cause I was starting to get real used to iwillsurvive. It makes sense though. Now you're muffled again because you have to pull in and hide away and protect yourself from your returning T. Need to stay quiet. Maybe another name you could use would be scaredbuttryingtotrustT.**LOL! Good name but takes too long to type!!!! :-)
**Thanks littleone, you give me good things to think of.
Muffled
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