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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 18 of 18. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 7:58:34
i am so sorry everyone. i don't mean to lay this on anyone else. i am having a problem...
i have not *** myself in years. i have faint scars now, barely noticable. it was hell trying to stop doing that. i pulled myself out of it alone. i didn't have anyone to help me. since then it doesn't bother me often, but sometimes it gets so strong.
i cannot call my T or pdoc about this. i don't know the T well enough and i am not able to talk about this with my pdoc.. i have seen him ten years and he does not know.
i am not in danger of suicide.
i have been coming unglued. part of it is grief and pain over losing my old T, part of it is that i think my new T might be able to reach in here... and the combination has made a lot of stuff boil up and over. i am swimming in a sea and i don't understand how i feel. i couldn't name it if i tried. writing it down isn't even possible.. cuz i can't sort it out enough.
i broke a glass by accident last night. i swept it all up and put it in the trash. all night my thoughts kept coming back to the broken glass. it was my instrument of choice back then.
i have **never** ever told a pdoc or a T about any of this. i have one friend who knew some but not all and she had no idea what to do. while i was casually relating some horrific thing to my new T i slipped in that i had slashed myself with scissors. i don't even know if he caught that part.
i used to be afraid i'd get dx'd as BPD.. i don't fit most of the criteria. but the self-injury. it was a long time before i discovered that people other than bpd sometimes do that too.
i do not know how to stop thinking about this. i have a meeting/seminar thing all afternoon.. how can i get through this without jumping up on the table and screaming at everyone "DON'T ANYONE OF YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
Posted by one woman cine on March 30, 2007, at 8:14:12
In reply to unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 7:58:34
>>>>i do not know how to stop thinking about this. i have a meeting/seminar thing all afternoon.. how can i get through this without jumping up on the table and screaming at everyone "DON'T ANYONE OF YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
Gazo, you are in alot of pain - I *CAN* see that -I'm sure alot of people here can see that too. But we know you are in pain only because you told us.
If you told your pdoc ot T (even if he is new), they will also be able to see and hear your pain too. Please call them, they are a support IRL & they are in the best possible resource for help in getting through this.
It is hard to be in so much pain and feel invisible. But you are not invisible.
Posted by bil on March 30, 2007, at 10:42:17
In reply to unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 7:58:34
Gazo-
I do know EXACTLY what you are going through- I used to self-harm, too... the scars are fading on me, too- but I still think about it. I nearly did it today- it has been a really rough week, and the waves of despair just about knocked me to the floor, and I really, really wanted to hurt myself to make all that stuff go away.You could try what I do- (and yeah I know it sounds TOTALLY barmy... but it does work for me).
I stand in the middle of the floor and whirl both arms around as hard and as fast as I can... (Like a child being a helicopter) and shout "f**k off, f**k off, F**K OFF!!!"
If I have to, I stick me fingers in my ears and shout, "lalalalalalala... I can't HEAR you" to drown out the voices telling me i'm sh*t, horrid, that I deserve the pain... whatever.
Behave like a stubborn, temper-tantrum-throwing ANGRY little kid. 'Cos that seems to be where this comes from... our anger turns in on ourselves, 'cos it's got no place else to go- and we've got one royally pissed-off child in there, who nobody ever heard or saw.I agree with OneWomanCine... tell your T, but until you can see (him/her?) I have found that letting go of some of the fury is a good temporary way to not reach for that glass.
Like I said, it sounds totally weird... but I'm between t's, and have to do what I can to get through the bad patches on my own, and this is one that I've found helps.
(((hug!)))
bil
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 30, 2007, at 11:24:19
In reply to unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 7:58:34
Good point that OWC had, that lots of us put up this facade of seeming normalcy, while inside we screaming. And we are terribly good at it many of us. Way too good. We can even fool our T's.
So thats where its important to be honest as possible with them, cuz otherwise they just can't truly know what going on, and then how they supposed to help us? But its not easy to tell....
I LOVED Bils ideas for getting away from the urges!!!!Those are new to me. I will try them.
I also cut, I also don't really fit the criteria very well for BPD, but because I presented at emerg w/SI, I got the label.
My T and I went thru a number of discussions(I don't talk much, mostly written, but occ, I will speak some) bout my SI. We finally came to the result, that she REALLY hated that I SI, but she also came to realize that is was a valid and long time coping mechanizm I had, and that it worked for me, and I couldn't NOT do it and be safe w/out having other working coping things in place. For me, if I didn't SI, then I would do other far more potentially life threatening things, so the SI was far better than the alternative.
But now I have better ways to cope and rarely SI :) However I have MANY scars. And when you get older, the scars are darker and take longer to fade slightly :(
So SI is not the end of the world, but I most definately think its a topic of discussion w/your healthcare providers...
Take care, sorry its so hard for you right now.
Posted by Honore on March 30, 2007, at 12:41:06
In reply to unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 7:58:34
This may be totally wrong and out of left field, but I have the feeling that you'd do much better with a female therapist.
Are you feeling that you're very drawn toward this T? because if you're having any of those feelings, on an intense level, I'm concerned that this may not be a helpful relationship.
Particularly because this T seems to have some issues about dependency.
I'f I'm off base, I apologize. But it's still perhaps early enough to decide to interview a couple of other Ts, particularly with the thought of finding either a safer seeming man or a woman.
Hope you're able to find some relief somewhere, though, gazo,.
Honore
Posted by madeline on March 30, 2007, at 14:50:33
In reply to unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 7:58:34
"i am swimming in a sea and i don't understand how i feel. i couldn't name it if i tried. writing it down isn't even possible.. cuz i can't sort it out enough."
It sounds to me like you've got a potent combo of grief and fear going on. Don't you think that both are completely normal in your circumstance?
In fact, I would be worried if you weren't sad and afraid.
When I first started with a new therapist, I was scared to death, in fact for large portions of my life I have been scared to death. And grief? Of course you're sad, you've experienced a tremendous loss.
It's okay gazo it's really really okay to feel what you feel. It's not going to overwhelm you and you are not going to drown in it. They are emotions that you have to very real circumstances in your life. Just simply emotions that you can tolerate.
Think of all those years that you did not SI. Think of how strong you are to have stopped that - on your own - with no one to help. Really think about that. A person that can do that, in my mind, can do anything.
Including allowing themselves to feel emotions that are completely normal at the time.
It's okay to be afraid and it is okay to be sad.
You can get through this, things will get better.
Thank you for sharing your history with us, and, when you're ready, share it with those that can help more.
I think you are amazing
Maddie
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 16:57:55
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by bil on March 30, 2007, at 10:42:17
Thanks for the suggestion, but that wouldn't work for me. I don't think this comes from when I was a child at all.. I pretty much know exactly when this came from. That is why i think schema might help me.
thanks for caring enough to answer though.
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:05:34
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by Honore on March 30, 2007, at 12:41:06
i understand you're trying to help honore.. but i would give up therapy altogether than see a female T. No way no how. It's upsetting to even consider. i **do not** work well with women. it's a male or no one.
i don't have intense feelings for this T...???
i like him, he seems nice and he has made me hopeful that maybe he can help. I think maybe you are confusing him with my former T? That was the guy i had feelings for. This new guy mentioned not wanting me to become too dependent, but he also said I didn't have to stop coming until we decided it was right for me. He seems really on the ball and i like our interaction. i don't see any reason to switch.
so i am not sure what you are meaning... ??? can you explain?
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:19:32
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER**** » gazo, posted by madeline on March 30, 2007, at 14:50:33
oh wow.. thank you Maddie. i have made it through the day.. one step at a time. Distracting myself helps. Talking helps. It will fade. It has not won in more than a decade, and that was very brief. A relapse. You're right, thank you BTW, it took a lot to stop..everything i had in me.
it doesn't haunt me that often. it's not what i want for myself.. neither is any of the other stuff i used to do.
it's thinking about some of the things that my T and i have to cover.. things i have to tell him. i have to tell him the things which originally caused my life to turn into a mess. that's why this stuff is bubbling up.
i just have to keep busy, write it out, go for a walk. worse come to worse i'll just drink instead. it's not a good solution but better than SI.
you have a good attitude Maddie, i like your perspective a lot. thank you for the kind things you said.
i can get through this...i have to. i cannot let my whole life be turned over to the darker side of life.
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:27:21
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 30, 2007, at 11:24:19
i am sorry that it's that way IWS.. but i understand. it's not something i wish we had in common. SI is better than some options. I am glad you are finding other options.
the bipolar dx has some of the same features. One of the big differences is that with bp life is generally ok except when i am sick.. from what i understand (correct me if i am wrong here) but bpd makes everyday life harder regardless...is that right?
there is a short version of a diagnostic questionaire that pdocs/T's use to dx BPD and other PD's...
http://www.pdq4.com/homeusetest2.html
see how you do. according to that i do not have a PD
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:35:44
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by one woman cine on March 30, 2007, at 8:14:12
THAT is IT exactly. No one has ever seen it. I carry other people. People always say how strong i am. i want someone to KNOW. i want to tell someone what my life has really been and what has happened to me.
being invisible... hurting and not being able to even SAY it. It's not that i won't say it...i can't. i can't tell him what i am feeling cuz most of the time it makes no sense to me. and when i do connect i can't make the words come out.
i think about the events which caused these things and i can't just say them. i learned to just keep moving.
but i did one important thing... i told him in my letter that he HAD to ask me. he had to hear what i didn't say and he has to ask me. i told him i can list the events in a very disconnected way if he can ask.
i am trying to give him as much info to help me as i can manage to do.
the SI urges will go away, they will fade, esp once either he asks me the question or i feel more comfortable and safe anyway.
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:37:19
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by bil on March 30, 2007, at 10:42:17
i hope i didn't sound snippy... i know you both ar trying to help. i appreciate that, i do.
Posted by Happyflower on March 30, 2007, at 17:39:15
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER**** » Honore, posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:05:34
Hi Gazo,
I am so sorry you are hurting so much. Everyone else said what I was thinking. I have never SI before so I am not much help with that.
But I am with you about not seeing a female T. When I went to therapy for the first time, it was so hard for me to trust another women, but now I think I would be okay with it. I am slowly learning to trust another women who happens to be a T (not mine), but she has suffered a past like mine, so we have a lot in common. But 2 years ago, NO WAY!
When do you see your new T next ? ((((gazo))) Take care, because I care about you.
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:58:41
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER****, posted by Happyflower on March 30, 2007, at 17:39:15
not until the 9th :o( That was because he is away for part of next week and is booked otherwise. He put me on the list if there is a cancellation though.
i don't know if i don't trust women exactly.. that isn't quite what comes to mind anway.. but what do i know? it's more like i just don't relate to them. i feel like i am talking to a whole different species. i relate very well to men. women look at me like i have ten heads. i even tried a female t the very first time ever. i never went back and never saw anyone.
it's the same in my RL too. i have female friends, but we're all weird. i don't relate at all to the average woman. Trust me, if you knew me you'd understand.
but i am completely ok with that. i don't have any concerns about it. i am really ok with whatever it is that makes it that way.
i care about you too little flower power.. i am so sorry i wasn't able to post to you in your thread.. it was just more than i could do.
Posted by Happyflower on March 30, 2007, at 19:08:53
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER**** » Happyflower, posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:58:41
Wow, the 9th is long time away. Did you at least schedule more than one appointment? Are you going to do a weekly appointment?
Hey, don't worry about that one thread, but unfortunely, a lot of my threads will be about ending therapy. But you are awesome no matter how many threads you post too, okay? ;-) I hope you are coping okay. ((((gazo))))
Posted by gazo on March 31, 2007, at 10:25:54
In reply to (((((((((GAZO)))))))))))))))) » gazo, posted by Happyflower on March 30, 2007, at 19:08:53
yeah, the 9th seems like forever. i can't afford to do weekly, even though i would prefer it and that is what my pdoc felt i needed too. i have to hide that i even have a T, at least for now. Every second week is all i can manage to pay for without going through the insurance.
Posted by one woman cine on April 1, 2007, at 16:08:11
In reply to Re: unglued ****self harm TRIGGER**** » one woman cine, posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 17:35:44
Gazo,
you *can* say whatever it is you need to say IRL. You said them here. It might be very scary, but you can do it. I hope that you will. No one can know you are hurting if you don't say them.
You want someone to know - why not just take the chance - you will not fall apart and disintegrate. I'm just worried you might invest too much energy in hoping the therapist will be able to see something that is not visible on the outside.
I imagine it would be a frustrating experience having that happen. For both of you. I really believe you can do it. I do.
Posted by gazo on April 3, 2007, at 17:23:49
In reply to saying the things that need to be said, posted by one woman cine on April 1, 2007, at 16:08:11
Thank you OWC. i suppose that some of what i have been trying to say is about courage. i don't have the courage to say the stuff i need. i know there is stuff i physically can't make come out, but there is a lot of stuff i am too afraid to say. i'd have to trust him... and i know it won't help me unless i do.. but i am scared.
This is the end of the thread.
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