Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 7:58:34
i am so sorry everyone. i don't mean to lay this on anyone else. i am having a problem...
i have not *** myself in years. i have faint scars now, barely noticable. it was hell trying to stop doing that. i pulled myself out of it alone. i didn't have anyone to help me. since then it doesn't bother me often, but sometimes it gets so strong.
i cannot call my T or pdoc about this. i don't know the T well enough and i am not able to talk about this with my pdoc.. i have seen him ten years and he does not know.
i am not in danger of suicide.
i have been coming unglued. part of it is grief and pain over losing my old T, part of it is that i think my new T might be able to reach in here... and the combination has made a lot of stuff boil up and over. i am swimming in a sea and i don't understand how i feel. i couldn't name it if i tried. writing it down isn't even possible.. cuz i can't sort it out enough.
i broke a glass by accident last night. i swept it all up and put it in the trash. all night my thoughts kept coming back to the broken glass. it was my instrument of choice back then.
i have **never** ever told a pdoc or a T about any of this. i have one friend who knew some but not all and she had no idea what to do. while i was casually relating some horrific thing to my new T i slipped in that i had slashed myself with scissors. i don't even know if he caught that part.
i used to be afraid i'd get dx'd as BPD.. i don't fit most of the criteria. but the self-injury. it was a long time before i discovered that people other than bpd sometimes do that too.
i do not know how to stop thinking about this. i have a meeting/seminar thing all afternoon.. how can i get through this without jumping up on the table and screaming at everyone "DON'T ANYONE OF YOU SEE WHAT IS HAPPENING?"
poster:gazo
thread:745393
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/745393.html