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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 17 of 17. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 0:21:40
My long-lost T comes back tomorrow.
I think I did okay in her absence. I'm not doing super-good though. I think things are going to be rough for me for the next week or so. maybe my physiology will forsake me.
maybe i will be just fine. I have no idea. I could end up in the hospital or cheerfully window shopping this weekend. I just have no idea.
apparently my aunts have decided that they need to get involved in my ongoing mental health struggles. and so I've learned some very distressing things in the past 2-3 weeks. and I pushed myself too hard and didn't take too good care of me
but there's always tomorrow.
love,-Ll
Posted by Happyflower on March 29, 2007, at 9:44:30
In reply to Out of it, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 0:21:40
Hi Llurpsie,
I am so sorry things are so hard right now, I don't know everything that is going on, but you seem so upset.
I am glad your T is coming back tommorrow, are you seeing her then? I hope you are okay.
Love,
Happyflower
Posted by gazo on March 29, 2007, at 15:18:36
In reply to Out of it, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 0:21:40
i am sorry Llurpsie. i can't imagine having your aunts involved is going to make it easier.. family is like that. What are they planning to do? My family always starts begging me to pray. i know they mean well and they don't know what else to do. Most of the time i just never tell them anything that is happening.
i hope you feel better and your family doesn't weigh you down.
(((Llurpsie oodle doodle noodle)))
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 19:01:24
In reply to Out of it, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 0:21:40
my session went an unprecedented 1.5 hours today. she's going to call me soon to check up on me. basically I'm at a place where i cannot find any peace on this earth. I want relief. and there is no place safe in my home. the children upstairs have temper tantrums and there is yelling and it triggers me. there is evidence of mice in my kitchen and so i haven't been preparing or eating food.
and the unrelenting panic. it is stronger than klonopin, and invades my dreams with terror. T and pdoc had a chat a few weeks ago and pdoc figured out that I'd been doing some pretty deep exploration of my very dark past. He expressed optimism in my long-term outlook. Said to push the klonopin.
I felt so defeated after that appt. wandered around listlessly, eventually found my way to a ladies room somewhere and just sat on the stall with tears running down my face and I carefully counted out an appropriate dose of klonopin. And then I walked to the bus in a dissociated haze and came home and stared into space for a while. thinking bad thoughts. There are no more answers for me. I have to make my own choices. things hurt a lot right now, though. everything is a trigger. children trigger me. happiness triggers me. sadness triggers me. the smell of fried chicken gives me flashbacks.
I'm not eating and not sleeping and not thinking straight. the extra klonopin prescribed seems to have the effect of moving me from being extremely agitated to extremely depressed.
I suppose it's dinner time. i think I can manage a cup of juice.
Posted by Happyflower on March 29, 2007, at 20:33:50
In reply to My T and I discussing hospitalization, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 19:01:24
Llurpsie,
I don't know what to say, your post has knocked the wind right out of me. I am in shock. Do what you need to do to stay safe, I am really worried about you. I want to call, but too scared because I don't know what to say other than I care. Let us know what is going on. Have you talked to your husband about this? Would you like me to come over and stay with you?
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 20:59:52
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization, posted by Happyflower on March 29, 2007, at 20:33:50
I pushed myself too hard and worked and tried really hard to hold myself together while T was away, and while pdoc was away. Now they're back, and I'm not holding myself together much. It's too bad my husband is busy at his station right now. he can't get off duty to come be with me. I just hold on and do my thing.
I'm scared of life, but it's almost bedtime. so I'll take ONE of my sleeping pills and my klonopin and call it a night.
thank you for your kindness happyflower. you are a dear. I dont think I'd feel better to have anyone see me like this. i'd feel too much pressure to appear normal and then I'd really crack.
plus my place looks like an insane disorganized scholar has taken up residence.
i go take my pills now.
good night.
-Ll
Posted by Phillipa on March 29, 2007, at 21:49:50
In reply to My T and I discussing hospitalization, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 19:01:24
Lurpsie I hope you see this but the first time I took klonopin I became immediately suicidal when the dose was raised. Could be the klonopin. Love Phillipa
Posted by gazo on March 29, 2007, at 22:08:45
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization » Happyflower, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 20:59:52
sleep well Llurpsie.. i am worried about you. Keep in close contact with your pdoc and T.. lean on them as you need to. i am hoping you are in good hands.
Posted by Daisym on March 30, 2007, at 1:36:00
In reply to My T and I discussing hospitalization, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 19:01:24
I'm sorry things are so hard. It seems to be somewhat common for things to fall apart when your therapist finally returns from a break. It is too much to keep holding it together. Plus no food and no sleep are a bad combination, especially when taking medication. I hope you can find a way to feed yourself and get a few hours of rest soon.
Exploring the darkness takes a lot out of you. And I know you have been working really hard. I wish there was some secret I could share to make it easier. It all just sucks.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 30, 2007, at 4:20:30
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Daisym on March 30, 2007, at 1:36:00
t asked me last night if i wanted to go to hosp. i lied and said no. but i did. i'd be there right now if i had said yes.
i moved my computer and my overnight bag into my guest bedroom. it's empty. nothing unsafe in here. except my imagination.
but the rest of my place has all kinds of dangerous things. and i am scared to leave. i just want out. i wrote out a list of my feelings and things that give me comfort and the comforting things all involve self-harm and gore.
i feel incredibly disconnected from who i used to be. if i used to be her. i don't know who i am anymore. i used to have a dream/s and now it's not there anymore. evaporated.
this is the 6th night in a row that I have woken up before 4 am. but I'm not exhausted. if i try and take a nap in the afternoon the demons come if i let my mind rest they are there waiting for me. i am scared of what they are saying. everything feels so unreal. i don't feel "depressed". I don't feel ... anything. terror sometimes. or panic.
there's a big blank in my mind where the future should be. impenetrable. if i try to see what the future holds for me i'm terrified. the present isn't so pretty and the past is horrifying. there is no place safe when the inside of my mind is bent on hurting myself. I'm very creative and resourceful, and that's what's going on- my creative, resourceful subconscious has exhausted the positive ways of feeling better and is now ready to start exploring the negative ways.
i see T this afternoon. i feel so sick about it. but disconnected. if I'm brave I'll tell her how I'm feeling. if I'm not i'll lie and deflect. i know i can pull off "semi normal". i've done so many times in the past. but this is something new. this is not a depressed call for relief from pain this is an anxious call for relief from future, from loneliness, from bad thoughts. i wish i had better ways of fighting, but i am fighting myself. old habits die hard.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 30, 2007, at 5:22:45
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization*trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 30, 2007, at 4:20:30
What does that mean if I'm too scared to hurt myself to land myself in hospital. that means I'm not ready to go yet?
I don't want to end my life only change my life. but i don't feel like I'm part of my life.
It's just moving on around me. I have my little tiny injuries, and strong urges. but something always stops me.
that means i don't go to hospital? I'm so confused. Do I have to hurt myself to go? there are ways. I'm just scared that I will be in dissociated state and no one to call and I will go too far.
that's all for now.
I have no safe place. even my safe room has opportunities. my medication is poisonous. but who will be there to wake me up?
no one. and i don't want to die. just hurt. oh sh*t. i probably said too much already. i'm too weary to edit my thoughts though.
on the bright side, I've lost 7 lbs this week from not eating. the mouse is not all bad. i know that I'll gain it all back as solid blubber eventually, but for now. i can pretend that I'm on some kind of positive trajectory, even if it is self destructive, and even if I'm dehydrated.
that's enough for now. i took a klonopin. one klonopin. and maybe i'll rest a bit.
fetal, of course.
Posted by gazo on March 30, 2007, at 7:28:49
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization*trigger* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 30, 2007, at 5:22:45
dearest Llurpsie... you must be in terrible anguish. I fight some of the same things, i know hear you. Find a way to distract yourself until you see your T. Lying and deflecting would be a choice to stay in this state of mind, and this pain.
talk to your T, call if you have to
be safe
Posted by Daisym on March 30, 2007, at 13:44:53
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization*trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 30, 2007, at 4:20:30
You don't have to hurt yourself to go to the hospital, you can just say "yes" I'd rather be there for now. My therapist has asked that very scary question and I always say "no." But there have been time when I'd wished he'd said, "you ARE going" not "do you WANT to go." So tell her, try very hard to be truthful.
When you come to face to face with the inescapable truth of abuse it is a death of sorts. The part of you that has to die is the part that is false. The part that has to grow is the part that has been so well hidden all these years. My therapist calls it the Phoenix from the fire. It takes a long time to really wrap your mind around such horrors, if you ever really can. And for me, the worst part was that my whole life felt like a lie. I keep asking, "Who am I? Who was I meant to be? And who do people want me to be?" It is understandable that you see no future right now, how can you when you don't know who you are in the present?
But it is OK. You don't have to have a mapped out future. You can let it unfold and change, just like you are unfolding and finding yourself. Just hold on through all these hard parts.
I don't think anything is as painful as the space you are in. I described it as imploding and fragmenting completely. Others have described it as liquifying, almost melting into a puddle of nothing. I even started to wonder if something was physically wrong with me, it hurt that much. And I reached for self-harm as a way to cope too. It works when I really need it to. And while my therapist doesn't support it, he doesn't mess with it too much, because it serves a significant purpose right now. I wish I could replace it with exercise, I know a lot of people swear by that.
I hope your appointment helps and you find a way to have a decent weekend. You aren't alone in this, although I know it feels that way.
Take good care,
Daisy
Posted by All Done on March 30, 2007, at 15:43:35
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization*trigger* » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 30, 2007, at 5:22:45
(((((Lurpsie))))),
I agree with Daisy. You don't have to hurt yourself to go to the hospital. It can hopefully be a safe place that prevents you from hurting yourself in the first place.
I wish I could say or do more to help. I'm sorry you're hurting so much and I hope you find the help and safety you need.
Take gentle care,
Laurie
Posted by philyra on April 1, 2007, at 20:48:34
In reply to Out of it, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 0:21:40
Llurpsie, if you're reading this, wanted to let you know I'm thinking of you. Hang in there...I'm sending good energy your way, hope it gets there through all the traffic and noise and other people.
take care,
philyra
Posted by Deneb on April 2, 2007, at 0:42:34
In reply to My T and I discussing hospitalization, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 29, 2007, at 19:01:24
((((((((((((((((Llurpsie Noodle))))))))))))))))))
I didn't know it was this bad for you.
I hope you're in a safe place right now. I love you llurpsie.
Deneb*
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on April 3, 2007, at 16:02:48
In reply to Re: Out of it » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by philyra on April 1, 2007, at 20:48:34
Thank you all for your kind wishes and support.
I ended up going to the hospital for four days. It wasn't the worst think I've ever done in my life, and it certainly helped me get a little perspective on my life.I will be posting more below. I just wanted to say "hey" since I didn't have internet access
best to you all.
lurps
This is the end of the thread.
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