Posted by Daisym on March 30, 2007, at 13:44:53
In reply to Re: My T and I discussing hospitalization*trigger*, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 30, 2007, at 4:20:30
You don't have to hurt yourself to go to the hospital, you can just say "yes" I'd rather be there for now. My therapist has asked that very scary question and I always say "no." But there have been time when I'd wished he'd said, "you ARE going" not "do you WANT to go." So tell her, try very hard to be truthful.
When you come to face to face with the inescapable truth of abuse it is a death of sorts. The part of you that has to die is the part that is false. The part that has to grow is the part that has been so well hidden all these years. My therapist calls it the Phoenix from the fire. It takes a long time to really wrap your mind around such horrors, if you ever really can. And for me, the worst part was that my whole life felt like a lie. I keep asking, "Who am I? Who was I meant to be? And who do people want me to be?" It is understandable that you see no future right now, how can you when you don't know who you are in the present?
But it is OK. You don't have to have a mapped out future. You can let it unfold and change, just like you are unfolding and finding yourself. Just hold on through all these hard parts.
I don't think anything is as painful as the space you are in. I described it as imploding and fragmenting completely. Others have described it as liquifying, almost melting into a puddle of nothing. I even started to wonder if something was physically wrong with me, it hurt that much. And I reached for self-harm as a way to cope too. It works when I really need it to. And while my therapist doesn't support it, he doesn't mess with it too much, because it serves a significant purpose right now. I wish I could replace it with exercise, I know a lot of people swear by that.
I hope your appointment helps and you find a way to have a decent weekend. You aren't alone in this, although I know it feels that way.
Take good care,
Daisy
poster:Daisym
thread:745121
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070324/msgs/745467.html