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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 21 of 21. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by gazo on March 27, 2007, at 20:20:17
i don't know where to start. i am devastated. i go from sobbing to numb. i am calling my pdoc in the morning as i don't know if i can stay safe. i will be ok tonight.. i am too screwed up to plan anything out. i am too drained to act on anything.
i am in so much pain.
i saw my old T tonight for the last time tonight. he said some things which hurt like i can't describe. it's not his fault, it's mine. i wanted to end things thinking he really liked me somehow.
i will never see him again. i am thinking about the things i said that i shouldn't have and the things i didn't say.
i am a monster inside. when you see me posting don't fall for it. i am a monster. no one wants a monster.
it's all my fault.
i don't want to live like this.
Posted by Honore on March 27, 2007, at 21:01:27
In reply to oh god... ***multiple triggers***, posted by gazo on March 27, 2007, at 20:20:17
Gazo, I'm sorry that you're feeling so terrible.
Could you possibly say what your old T said that was so hurtful? Even if you don't want to say exactly, could you explain what happened?
It's so possible that you're misinterpreting, that you heard something different from what your old T meant.
I'm sure you're not a monster.
Again, if you can try to remember what has upset you so, maybe we can make better sense of it than you've been able to, in the upsetness of the moments with him and afterward.
Try to take care of yourself, and to remember that you're a good person, and that this pain will pass, even if it's terrible right now.
Honore
Posted by Poet on March 27, 2007, at 21:02:51
In reply to oh god... ***multiple triggers***, posted by gazo on March 27, 2007, at 20:20:17
Hi Gazo,
I have a giant fire breathing two headed monster inside me. I can identify with not wanting to live with certain things and certain ways.
Stay safe tonight, and call your pdoc first thing. I'm sorry talking to your old T provoked such pain and I wish he had chosen better words to say. One hard cyber slap to his head.
Take care.
Poet
Posted by gazo on March 27, 2007, at 21:19:53
In reply to Re: oh god... ***multiple triggers*** » gazo, posted by Poet on March 27, 2007, at 21:02:51
a monster *inside* is distinguishable from the person you see as "you."
i am the monster. no seperation.
it's not his fault. he didn't make me into the person i am. he didn't say anything wrong. please don't blame him.. i know you mean well, it's just not his fault, he doesn't deserve any ill feelings.. it's me.
Posted by gazo on March 27, 2007, at 21:43:46
In reply to Re: oh god... ***multiple triggers*** » gazo, posted by Honore on March 27, 2007, at 21:01:27
i don't know how..
it was about blame
he said something in rxn to what i said..
it's about how he sees me or what i have been saying...
he was more open than usual tonight, smiling and laughing.. overall the connection was good. But that hurts all the more.
i can't tolerate not ever seeing him again. it hurts so bad to know it has ended with him thinking this way about me. i agony to work with.. how could i blame him?
i tried. i did.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 27, 2007, at 21:56:03
In reply to Re: oh god... ***multiple triggers*** » Honore, posted by gazo on March 27, 2007, at 21:43:46
It's okay to be angry at your therapist. It's healthier for you to be mad at him than to be mad at yourself and wish to punish yourself.
Gazo, you are no monster. I hope that you can understand that T's are complicated people with complicated feelings. You cannot change who they are, really. It's so unfair. A dreadfully unfair relationship.
I hope you and pdoc figure out a plan to make it through the next little bit. Even if you have to take life moment by moment and you are struggling with who your Self is, please know that there are kind people here who will be here for you in your pain and sorrow, and also when you feel a bit better. Try to listen hard to that voice that says that you're worth saving, even if it's only to make it to your pdoc appt tomorrow.
I know you can do it.
nice to meet you, even under such distressing circumstances-
-Ll
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 27, 2007, at 22:24:57
In reply to Re: oh god... ***multiple triggers*** » Poet, posted by gazo on March 27, 2007, at 21:19:53
Gazo.
Manomanomanomanoman.
Hard, hard , hard, hard.
This time for you is so hard.
So many of us has had these times of excruiating intolerable feelings.
Indescribable.
But you goto trust me here, they DO ease w/time. They DO. And then you can sort stuff out some. Its super doubly hard for those of us who tend to control our emotions so much. Then when they do come out we dunno WTF to do.
There are meds to tide over times like these.
Please try and work w/your p-doc and find something to help.
Pain hurts so much.
I try and send you some feelings of care OK?
Posted by Dinah on March 27, 2007, at 22:34:11
In reply to oh god... ***multiple triggers***, posted by gazo on March 27, 2007, at 20:20:17
iwillsurvive is right, you know. The intensity of these feelings will pass.
I'm sorry it happened to you. So many times hearing things sounds so much worse if our therapists happen to speak in technical terms. You said he was smiling and relaxed. He wouldn't be smiling and relaxed with someone he thought was a monster.
I'm glad you're going to speak to your pdoc tomorrow. He might be able to help.
I'm sorry the therapy ended this way.
Posted by fayeroe on March 27, 2007, at 23:14:51
In reply to Re: oh god... ***multiple triggers***, posted by Dinah on March 27, 2007, at 22:34:11
i'm sorry, gazo..........pat
Posted by gazo on March 28, 2007, at 0:29:57
In reply to Re: oh god... ***multiple triggers***, posted by fayeroe on March 27, 2007, at 23:14:51
Posted by Happyflower on March 28, 2007, at 6:04:27
In reply to thanks all... going to take meds and sleep 4 now (nm), posted by gazo on March 28, 2007, at 0:29:57
Hi Gazo,
I hope you are okay this morning, I just read your post. You must be totally heartbroken. I hope your p-doc can help. When is your next T appointment with your new T? Can you maybe call him to get in sooner? ((((gazo)))) I am thinking of you.
Posted by gazo on March 28, 2007, at 9:11:27
In reply to Re: thanks all... going to take meds and sleep 4 now, posted by Happyflower on March 28, 2007, at 6:04:27
thanks HF.. i am heartbroken.. even the good things from the appointment break my heart.
i did not call my pdoc. i don't see a point in it. i don't feel suidicidal now. Otherwise there is not much he can do. i will do what i know he would tell me to do... take some of the anxiety meds, etc. i have to travel to see him and that is not possible this week.
i can't go see my new T sooner either. we tried to book me next week, and i am on the list if there is a cancelation. So i won't see him until the 9th. i know in the US t's are often available after hours by phone, etc... that doesn't work that way here. i don't even know if he does allow clients to call for support... :/
besides... i am so very hurt i just wouldn't be able to say anything. it would be a dead silence on the phone.
instead i am going to spend my day alternating from trying to keep my job, to wishing i was dead, to sobbing and hating myself.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 28, 2007, at 11:41:54
In reply to Re: thanks all... going to take meds and sleep 4 n » Happyflower, posted by gazo on March 28, 2007, at 9:11:27
Hey gazo, can I add something to your list?
Maybe you can try to get out of the house to do some journalling at a cafe, or bring your laptop? to play on psychobabble amongst real humans.
Retail therapy is good. even if it's just window shopping. you'll get some fresh air and maybe can pick out a pair of cute shoes to try on and admire.
If you feel really bad, please give your newT a call. He may be able to give you some ideas on how to cope. They are good at that sometimes. I had to call a T this week who is substituting for my T and we've never met. yet, it was nice to talk about stuff with another person, and she helped me think about my crisis in a new light.
It takes a lot to make that phone call though, but sometimes it's better to call *before* you get to feel really really bad. This may be one of the cases where a stitch in time saves nine. Let your pdoc help you. He may have some tricks up his sleeve that you don't know about yet. You may never know unless you contact him.
safe cyberhugs to you, and I hope that you find some comfort on babble
-Ll
Posted by gazo on March 28, 2007, at 13:44:34
In reply to Re: thanks all... going to take meds and sleep 4 n » gazo, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 28, 2007, at 11:41:54
thanks Llurpsie.. i love your nic btw.
i had to go out anyway to run some errands.. spent a little time browsing in my fav clothing store. i thought maybe a cute shirt or something would be nice, but all the colors for spring this year are just drab. i like color.. it gives me a lift. it's a long way to any other stores and i don't really know how to get there.
i feel realy really bad... he's gone. Just gone. He's out there, but not in any way that i can have. It's about the things i said, or he said.. but it isn't. it's grief and loss. i want him to miss me. i want him to still talk with me.
i don't understand this therapist thing of no contact. my pdoc tells me a sorts of stuff about himself and has never tried to avoid me in public, even when he knows we'll both be in the same place
Posted by Honore on March 28, 2007, at 17:38:44
In reply to Re: feeling really bad » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by gazo on March 28, 2007, at 13:44:34
This is one reference to literature on Transference. I'm not sure how helpful it will be, because the original articles in which the idea was introduced, and the history of it in Psa is kind of obsolete. There are lots of newer ideas, which probably aren't in this book, and fresher ways of thinking of it than the classical Freudican ones. Although those are important.
"Essential Papers on Transference"
There's also "Essential Papers on Countertransference"--
There are lots and lots of papers on it in the Psychoanalytic journals. Some are important, and others just illustrated the idea and how it comes up and plays out in therapeutic situations.
Honore
Posted by Dinah on March 29, 2007, at 0:03:04
In reply to Re: feeling really bad » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by gazo on March 28, 2007, at 13:44:34
I'm sorry I missed you tonight. I hope you feel better soon.
Posted by nellie7 on March 29, 2007, at 15:15:09
In reply to Re: feeling really bad » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by gazo on March 28, 2007, at 13:44:34
Hi Gazo,
I am sorry you are hurting so much. The same thing happened to me and I know how painful it is.
It's a good thing you have this board to write to.
I hope you feel better soon.Take care,
Nellie.
Posted by gazo on March 29, 2007, at 15:21:41
In reply to Re: feeling really bad » gazo, posted by nellie7 on March 29, 2007, at 15:15:09
thank you. This place has helped. everyone here understands the dynamic of working with a T.
you lost your T suddenly? or it just went badly?
Posted by gazo on March 29, 2007, at 15:22:55
In reply to Re: feeling really bad » gazo, posted by Dinah on March 29, 2007, at 0:03:04
Posted by gazo on March 29, 2007, at 15:25:42
In reply to Re: feeling really bad, posted by Honore on March 28, 2007, at 17:38:44
thanks honore. i have to wait for another couple of weeks before i can pick up any books. i am swamped with work and they are unhappy with me. looks like lots of long hours.
there is a T factory in the city and so they should have a good library there. don't know what you have to do to get a borrower's card though.
Posted by gazo on March 29, 2007, at 16:14:16
In reply to Re: feeling really bad » Honore, posted by gazo on March 29, 2007, at 15:25:42
i still feel like poo. i've gotten progressively depressed. :o( i am too afraid to call M (my T). i just don't know him well enough yet... on the phone silence while i stare at the floor isn't helpful. i dont connect well with feelings and i cant always explain what is happening in me. That means he would ask what was going on and i would just not be able to say.
i had a meeting with my boss today and i am not fired, which is good. but the contract stuff is done very soon and they dont know if they have more work for me yet. so i need to find another job...soon.
so am sitting here just staring at babble.. and wallowing in self pity. i am all mixed up and confused. dont know what i feel. just crappy. sometimes i just cry.
mixed up and stupid. it's all so stupid.
This is the end of the thread.
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