![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 11:56:41
my mind is trying to stop me from contemplating the abominable. and everytime I get even tiny tiny bit closer to seeing what "abominable" is. I freeze. totally freeze up. forget to breathe. strong feelings of being overpowered.
i haven't been able to get this close in therapy (yet?) but i put innuendos in my last copy of my journal that I gave her.
and then today. I'm getting into a dissociative crisis and I don't know what triggered me. I know that I can write my way out of it though. I'm writing smoothly, fluently. I've got doodles and my handwriting is neat. and then BAM stopped. and ink spreads in a tiny circle because I've frozen with the tip on the paper. and I can't move. breathe in breathe out.
I'm so scared. I decided to push it a little further and get super-disconnected and write "about me" instead of "as myself". and it's there. I don't know what it is, so I typed into google.
Have you ever wondered if you were sexually abused
and then I read a small handful of little info sheets and it seems so unreal to me.
and I recall that chilling line uttered by my exT in passing me off to my newT. He said "you're really brave for having the strength to deal with this right now. Chances are the physical and sexual abuse started when you were very little..." and then he went on.
I've thought about that a lot. because I never once told him (or anyone) anything about sexual abuse. I haven't even told myself yet. how would he know? or did he f*ck up big time and plant a suggestion into my traumatized mind.
fine. okay. physical abuse- check
verbal and emotional abuse check check
neglect- checkbut CSA. and there's no words. just a few pictures and overwhelming terror. How is my adult mind supposed to deal with that? It just doesn't process.
T is going to be there. I guess she is helping me a lot. I want her to be there for me. Maybe she misses a session to be on jury duty though.
I did really well this time not to injure myself. usually the darkness and the dissociation come with sharp blades in their hands.
I feel so SICK. nasty sick.
Posted by Daisym on March 5, 2007, at 14:01:13
In reply to have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger*****, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 11:56:41
Hang on to yourself. Feel your feet on the ground and butt in the chair. Don't float too far away without a safety net.
What you feel is common. It is a question that floats up for lots of people who feel as bad as you've been feeling. Because we want a SERIOUS reason to feel this bad and we don't easily give ourselves permission to label what we do know as "bad enough." That doesn't mean you weren't sexually abused. If you were, you are likely to "know" before you "remember." Some people hang on to their memories in a clear way, other people remember in their bodies and other people know but without details.
When I started to get my memories back, I'd let the younger parts write to me. I'd write a question on the page and then let myself try to answer it. It was a painful process. Sometimes things would drop in and other times there would be an overload of fear - not wanting to know.
Be careful with what you are reading or lists that you might be checking. That stuff can apply to many, many things. I often tell my therapist that I doubt myself and all these stories and all these tears. He says he doesn't doubt me, but he wishes with me that it wasn't true.
I hope it isn't true for you either. But if it is, I'm here to support if you want or need it. I'm a few steps ahead on this journey, for whatever that's worth.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 14:51:31
In reply to Re: have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger***** » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Daisym on March 5, 2007, at 14:01:13
i know you're a couple steps ahead of me. I like that. your taillight is bright and I am watching you through the blizzard and heavy traffic.
thanks for hugs.
I'm so scared. I know there's something there. I just don't know if I have what it takes to talk about it, or even contemplate it in abstract terms.
abhorrence
-ll
Posted by Daisym on March 5, 2007, at 16:27:59
In reply to Re: have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger***** » Daisym, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 14:51:31
I think it is a complete misconception that you have to "have what it takes." People tell me I'm brave sometimes. I tell them I'm not, I'm terrified most of the time and I'd run away from knowing what I know if I could. The thing is, it pushed its way into my consciousness despite a huge fight on my part.
My therapist is fond of saying, "the psyche has its own time table." He also believes that although I entered therapy for a completely different reason, the safety of being heard created a heightened need to be REALLY heard. And the more he hears me, the more I'm willing to tell. I ask him if he feels tricked into taking on a trauma client unknowningly. He says no, but I still worry about that. You know that your therapist knew what she was getting into with you and she signed on ready to wrap herself around all this cr*p. Hang onto that.
My advice, which is really hard, is don't push. Don't flood yourself and try not to hurry. Crashing comes no matter what, the shock of it, the outrage. But if you can fall from a slightly lower height, it is a little easier to get up and keep going. A little...
I'm glad the hug was OK.
Daisy
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 21:42:45
In reply to Re: have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger***** » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Daisym on March 5, 2007, at 16:27:59
Ugh.
I sent T another e-mail. this one is more frank. I can write it. that's something. she writes back a one-liner like"of course I'll help you remember"
or "thanks so much for sending me this"
With my oldT, anticipating the session after an e-mailed revelation was like a slow march to the gallows. panic and anxiety about the session.
NewT I look forward to seeing. I know in my heart that she cares and will help me sort through it all. I think she's very good at what she does.
I think one of the reasons why I am self-injuring less these days is because I feel like she understands and doesn't judge me for it.
Did she know what she was getting herself into? Did I? of course not! given the statistics, though, wouldn't you expect that many if not most women entering therapy have experienced trauma?
And that many of them will want to work on things that developed because, or are exacerbated by, their traumatic pasts?
And that many therapists view helping traumatized folks get past their trauma to be one of the most satisfying aspects of their job?
I hope mine does, anyways.
My oldT told me during my last session that it was very meaningful and satisfying to him that he started seeing me when I was depressed and had no idea why, and that after only a few months I was no longer depressed AND I had enough strength to go after the big demons, instead of "walking out of the office, and pretending like all one's problems are solved". Well I wanted to kick him at the same time I wanted to hug him.
Kick him because I felt horrible in a different way than I had ever felt (knowing that I had been abused) and
Hug him because I felt like I had made the right decision to stay in therapy and because I finally heard him telling me that I was a good person worth saving
And then *poof*!
OldT is gone. NewT is here, and she's got a traumatized LlurpsieNoodle on her hands.
-Ll
Posted by Daisym on March 6, 2007, at 1:23:51
In reply to Re: have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger***** » Daisym, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 21:42:45
Did she know what she was getting herself into? Did I? of course not! given the statistics, though, wouldn't you expect that many if not most women entering therapy have experienced trauma?
****I think you'd be amazed at how many people in therapy never really tell their therapist their "real" issues. It is scary and painful and most people don't get enough sessions, nor do they get the experience of safety and holding. There is so much CBT work - reducing symptoms and gettting folks back out into the world. Which is valuable but inevitably relapses occur. Or maybe they don't -- perhaps folks stay sort of dysthamic and just make it through their days. :(
And that many of them will want to work on things that developed because, or are exacerbated by, their traumatic pasts?
*****I agree. But what happens is they work on the things, not the trauma. Which might be OK for many, many folks. They don't want to work on the trauma, they want to work on the thing.And that many therapists view helping traumatized folks get past their trauma to be one of the most satisfying aspects of their job?
*****Interestingly enough, lots of therapists report avoiding trauma patients "like the plague." Some are afraid of being sued, some of the dependency that develops and others just don't do long term therapy so they don't do trauma. One of my favorite people here reports that she had a therapist drop her like a hot potato when she revealed her csa. Shocking. Sad. But very true.Your therapist does sound like she is very good at what she does. I'm glad you have her. I'm sorry you need her.
Stay safe.
Daisy
Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 6, 2007, at 13:34:19
In reply to have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger*****, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 11:56:41
> my mind is trying to stop me from contemplating the abominable. and everytime I get even tiny tiny bit closer to seeing what "abominable" is. I freeze. totally freeze up. forget to breathe. strong feelings of being overpowered.
*I think Daisys right Ll, just let it come when it will. Don't force it.
> and then today. I'm getting into a dissociative crisis and I don't know what triggered me. I know that I can write my way out of it though. I'm writing smoothly, fluently. I've got doodles and my handwriting is neat. and then BAM stopped. and ink spreads in a tiny circle because I've frozen with the tip on the paper. and I can't move. breathe in breathe out.*dissociation is OK. Sorta like SI. Dissociation protects you. When you feel safe enough you dissociate less.
>
> I'm so scared. I decided to push it a little further and get super-disconnected and write "about me" instead of "as myself". and it's there. I don't know what it is, so I typed into google.*talking in the 3rd person you mean? Thats a good tool.
>
> Have you ever wondered if you were sexually abused
>
> and then I read a small handful of little info sheets and it seems so unreal to me.*its a little freaky when you can relate and thewn you wondwer why? can I relate, but as Daisy says, its pretty broad. I try to stay away from stuff like that.
>
> and I recall that chilling line uttered by my exT in passing me off to my newT. He said "you're really brave for having the strength to deal with this right now. Chances are the physical and sexual abuse started when you were very little..." and then he went on.*yeah, I been getting that since I was in alcohol treatment when I was in my late teens. I 'fit' so much of the criteria I suppose, thpough I never said moren two words in treatment I swear...
But don't mean its so. I just very sensitive.
>
> I've thought about that a lot. because I never once told him (or anyone) anything about sexual abuse. I haven't even told myself yet. how would he know? or did he f*ck up big time and plant a suggestion into my traumatized mind.*he didn't f*ck up, the thot was proly already there, cuz its pretyy sadly common in this world.
>
> fine. okay. physical abuse- check
> verbal and emotional abuse check check
> neglect- check
>
> but CSA. and there's no words. just a few pictures and overwhelming terror. How is my adult mind supposed to deal with that? It just doesn't process.*you were royal f*cking scared by SOMEthing, but does it matter what exactly???
W/me, I give up right now(T away) but I am trying this to see if I can rebury the sh*t and just use all the tools that I been taught to keep myself safe and somewhat functioning....
>
> T is going to be there. I guess she is helping me a lot. I want her to be there for me. Maybe she misses a session to be on jury duty though.(( T ))
>
> I did really well this time not to injure myself. usually the darkness and the dissociation come with sharp blades in their hands.*WOW thats great Ll. Don't sweat it if you do SI. But its sure great when ya don't!
>
> I feel so SICK. nasty sick.*yeah....sorry you feel that.
Its a bad feeling, but it DOES pass...
I starting to think I getting an ulcer...
Take care.
Posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 6, 2007, at 14:37:37
In reply to Re: have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger***** » Llurpsie_Noodle, posted by Iwillsurvive on March 6, 2007, at 13:34:19
I had a good session today. she asked me what my memories were. and it was so hard. I was so out of it. I told her.
she said that if there was CSA, there was already physical violence directed at baby noodle long before that happened. she is so kind. she even admired my new tote bag. reframed it as a dissertative act, rather than as a distraction.
said that my nesting instincts were kicking in because I'm getting ready to put forth a lot of effort into the writing.
she also said that my creative and organizational powers were kicking in, and that's because I want my dissertation to be well-organized and creative.
And we went through my journal entries. this was good for me. she helped me understand my mom a little better. Said that my mom really lacked empathy at key points when a little girl needs her mom. The reason why this is good is because I am learning why my instinct for self-reliance is so strong as to be pathological: because mom wasn't there, and when she was physically there, she was likely dissociated herself.
my poor mom. she must have something awful in her history. I feel pity, and sympathy, and anger. She makes me feel like a bad person when I cannot accept her love unconditionally.
And yeah, iwillsurvive, it's good that my arm is intact. (go ME!)
And yeah Daisy- my T is good and I guess it was rosy thinking on my part to take that for granted. I wish I could clone her and send her to babblers in search of insightful psychoanalytically-minded T's everywhere.
But I cannot. so, I'll just make the most of my time with her, even when the best job I can do feels like nothing ever gets resolved.
I've made progress. I can feel it now. even 3 weeks ago, I wasn't so sure, but now I can tell.
now I be nice to llurpsie and get cracking on the diss work of the day. 4 pp a day and the diss will be done by April. I can do it.
Ll
and the sweetest revenge for my sh*tty childhood is that my mom has offered to pay for my graduation gown. For a PhD, that is no insignificant gift. I'll do my best to take what I can get from her and understand it as a gift from someone who honestly thinks that she did the best job she could have. ((mom half-hugs are safer anyways.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.