Posted by Iwillsurvive on March 6, 2007, at 13:34:19
In reply to have I ever wondered if I was ****trigger*****, posted by Llurpsie_Noodle on March 5, 2007, at 11:56:41
> my mind is trying to stop me from contemplating the abominable. and everytime I get even tiny tiny bit closer to seeing what "abominable" is. I freeze. totally freeze up. forget to breathe. strong feelings of being overpowered.
*I think Daisys right Ll, just let it come when it will. Don't force it.
> and then today. I'm getting into a dissociative crisis and I don't know what triggered me. I know that I can write my way out of it though. I'm writing smoothly, fluently. I've got doodles and my handwriting is neat. and then BAM stopped. and ink spreads in a tiny circle because I've frozen with the tip on the paper. and I can't move. breathe in breathe out.*dissociation is OK. Sorta like SI. Dissociation protects you. When you feel safe enough you dissociate less.
>
> I'm so scared. I decided to push it a little further and get super-disconnected and write "about me" instead of "as myself". and it's there. I don't know what it is, so I typed into google.*talking in the 3rd person you mean? Thats a good tool.
>
> Have you ever wondered if you were sexually abused
>
> and then I read a small handful of little info sheets and it seems so unreal to me.*its a little freaky when you can relate and thewn you wondwer why? can I relate, but as Daisy says, its pretty broad. I try to stay away from stuff like that.
>
> and I recall that chilling line uttered by my exT in passing me off to my newT. He said "you're really brave for having the strength to deal with this right now. Chances are the physical and sexual abuse started when you were very little..." and then he went on.*yeah, I been getting that since I was in alcohol treatment when I was in my late teens. I 'fit' so much of the criteria I suppose, thpough I never said moren two words in treatment I swear...
But don't mean its so. I just very sensitive.
>
> I've thought about that a lot. because I never once told him (or anyone) anything about sexual abuse. I haven't even told myself yet. how would he know? or did he f*ck up big time and plant a suggestion into my traumatized mind.*he didn't f*ck up, the thot was proly already there, cuz its pretyy sadly common in this world.
>
> fine. okay. physical abuse- check
> verbal and emotional abuse check check
> neglect- check
>
> but CSA. and there's no words. just a few pictures and overwhelming terror. How is my adult mind supposed to deal with that? It just doesn't process.*you were royal f*cking scared by SOMEthing, but does it matter what exactly???
W/me, I give up right now(T away) but I am trying this to see if I can rebury the sh*t and just use all the tools that I been taught to keep myself safe and somewhat functioning....
>
> T is going to be there. I guess she is helping me a lot. I want her to be there for me. Maybe she misses a session to be on jury duty though.(( T ))
>
> I did really well this time not to injure myself. usually the darkness and the dissociation come with sharp blades in their hands.*WOW thats great Ll. Don't sweat it if you do SI. But its sure great when ya don't!
>
> I feel so SICK. nasty sick.*yeah....sorry you feel that.
Its a bad feeling, but it DOES pass...
I starting to think I getting an ulcer...
Take care.
poster:Iwillsurvive
thread:738494
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20070215/msgs/738734.html