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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 6, 2006, at 12:00:33
Hi All,
recently, I've been making insights left and right concerning the roots of certain inexplicable reactions that I've had to certain people and situations for my entire life. I'm understanding more and more about myself, and I feel like my relationship with my husband is getting better. I feel like some of the conflicts I've always sensed are being laid bare. It's not a pretty picture. Basically, I'm pretty screwed up at my core, but I have also done a lot of okay things with my life.I worry (as do my T and pdoc) that I may be pushing too hard, trying to much. changing too fast. I'm not sure what the alternative is. I feel like I spend so much of my daily life running away from some source of anxiety that I'm just now starting to understand. I am getting flashbacks and dreams, and strange triggers, and remembering things in a way/context that I've never understood before. It's like these things are coming to my mind. Either I can try to ignore them (yeah right) or I can try to understand them.
The problem comes when I spend so much time wrapped up in my own introspection that I withdraw from my life in the present.
I'm not sure if I CAN take it slower. I feel like I've wasted my whole life by not understanding myself and working with what I've got. I feel like I cannot go much further with my life without getting things kind of "settled" in some sense.
pdocs got me on massive moodstabilizers and benzos now. and i'm groggy. and a little down. i dunno. what's the risk or benefit?
-Li
Posted by Racer on October 6, 2006, at 13:18:28
In reply to How do I know if I'm going too fast?, posted by Lindenblüte on October 6, 2006, at 12:00:33
Honestly, while I'm hardly an authority on this subject, I say -- go at your own pace. When it really is too fast, you'll slow down. As long as you have a good connection with your T, you're likely to find that some parts go fast, other parts drag as though you're not moving at all.
At least, that's what I'm finding. I go through periods where I feel as though I'm wasting 50 minutes and $140 per week, and other periods where I feel as though I could be done in a week -- if I could only have a couple of five hour sessions. It's not a straight line, is what I guess I'm trying to say.
How do you feel right now? You sound as though you feel a lot of pressure to Make Progress Now. If so, you're probably getting a lot of the broad strokes set down on your canvas. The problem may come when it's time to fill in the details. As long as you're prepared for the inevitable change in tempo, I think you're probably OK.
In a larger sense, I want you to know that I think you're very OK.
Posted by happyflower on October 6, 2006, at 17:09:03
In reply to Go, Speed Racer! » Lindenblüte, posted by Racer on October 6, 2006, at 13:18:28
Hi Lin! You know the same thing happened to me once I finally admitted that YES I was abused. Then I went lightening speed ahead. Was I in my head a lot? YES Did my family get ignored more than I would have liked? YES But I had to do this to heal, I had to make myself a priority for awhile. I believe I was truely ready and that is why I progressed so fast. But now my family has a better mom, and they are getting much more from me than before therapy, so I feel it was worth it to me and the kids.
You are smart and I think you will know what to do. It is okay to put yourself first you know (it is much harder once you become a mom) I am happy at seeing your progress!
Your pal,
Happyflower
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 6, 2006, at 20:40:09
In reply to Go, Speed Racer! » Lindenblüte, posted by Racer on October 6, 2006, at 13:18:28
Hi Racer,
well, part of the pressure to get this stuff out is that I have started working with a newT. As I try to kind of give her a chance to know me, she is asking me questions. Of course, I could answer the questions any way I please, but at the moment, I chose to answer them from the perspective of- "this is how I am starting to understand my situation". We have spent little time talking about my work, or my recent stresses. This is partially because I have few stresses at the moment. My classes have no requirements besides attendance, my appointments are few and far between, since the school year has started, and I have been making decent progress on my dissertation work. I'm in a comfortable groove now. So? What else to talk about.Oh. and the few stressors I *do* have to talk about concern my family. Various members of my family were being biopsied for life-threatening things last week, so, there was an awful lot of phone calls and other uncomfortable interactions with the people who were at the scene of the crime, so to speak.
I guess it feels good to tell my newT some of the old secrets. The more times I tell them and I'm not annihilated for breaking the #1 rule I learned while growing up, well, the better it feels. The less conflict I feel.
However, I'm not allowing myself to feel them, except for VERY VERY superficially. Some things that transpired are just so tragic, so undeniably, morally WRONG, that I cannot reconcile these events with my knowledge of myself or my family.
I have a feeling that this is going to involve a lot of crying at some point in the near future. NewT better have a full box of kleenex when all the uglies start to come out.
:(
-Li
Posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 0:22:16
In reply to Re: Go, Speed Racer! » Racer, posted by Lindenblüte on October 6, 2006, at 20:40:09
I'm going to disagree slightly with my esteemed fellow babblers. My experience with getting it all out and being in it too much was that I ended up seriously suicidal. I flooded out and was overwhelmed with all the memories, pictures and unprocessed events of the past.
I did go on medication, and I increased my therapy to twice a week, and then three times and at its worse, I was talking to my therapist everyday - either seeing him or by phone. We've settled into 4x a week without check in calls right now, but I still have access by phone if I need him. This is what they call "intense" therapy. No kidding...
You said you are still only sort of feeling it on the surface. I think it is very normal to put your toe in the deep end and then pull it out and stay in the shallow end for awhile. My therapist uses this metaphor of a spiral - that we circle around and around stuff - going in deeper and tighter and then moving out and away again. I know you are going to see this new therapist three times a weeks so you will have the opportunity to do this kind of work with her. But, don't take this the wrong way, you just started seeing her, so how can all the parts of you trust her yet? This work needs a witness, but that witness should be someone who can contain the emotions for you and help you know what is truely unknowable.
It is natural to want to wrap yourself up inside your own head and really work through all this trauma. But the mind can only take so much. So try to build in distractions and some fun. Make dates with girlfriends, watch movies (go TO the movies if possible, it is more of an escape), exercise outside if you can. It is also pretty important to develop a safe place for yourself - especially if you begin to feel young. My closet does this for me, I feel safe in there. My office (at home) has coloring books in it, and a soft stuffed animal. If I start to get a flashback while driving, I now know how to breathe it back. Most of the time I can short circuit it, except at night. But at least I'm safe during those.
I hope I'm not scarying you. I do think everyone goes at their own pace. But I just remember wanting so badly to take off a week from work and "push through it." I thought I could get it out and over with if I worked on it 24/7 for a sustained period of time. My therapist had a fit and basically said, "do not do that. You will end up in the hospital for sure." I came close...
Keep writing. I want to help if I can.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Racer on October 7, 2006, at 1:06:01
In reply to Re: Go, Speed Racer! » Racer, posted by Lindenblüte on October 6, 2006, at 20:40:09
> > I have a feeling that this is going to involve a lot of crying at some point in the near future.
That's the scary part for me, knowing that there's some pretty intense grief coming. For what it's worth, I haven't gotten all that close to it yet, even though I've been working with this T for more than a year now. She's good, and there have been a few times I've come close -- even a couple of times when I've started that crying, only to stop myself.
Daisy's right about it getting too intense, and that that can be a dangerous time. On the other hand, I think Daisy's actually feeling these things as they come back for her. In my case, I don't know what I do, but it ain't really feeling it.
Yet.
Dunno. I just know that I have a lot of faith in you, and in your ability to get through this.
Peace.
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 7, 2006, at 10:20:41
In reply to Re: Go, Speed Racer! » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 0:22:16
Thanks Daisy,
I think that I go through some phases where I do get too involved. For a few weeks now, I've been having regular "break-downs" where I've wanted to just understand everything and get it all out at once. Of course the result is that my poor mind goes haywire, shuts down and feels like suicide is a really good alternative. Then a couple days of reactive depression after each of these meltdowns.I think I'm getting to a more balanced state now. I'm able to limit my introspective phases to safe situations. I will take my laptop to a cafe and just start typing about all the crap I've been through. It's pretty hard to have a full-out mental crisis in a crowded cafe!. And when my laptop battery runs out of power, the rest of my day begins. My T suggested that I always try to do this kind of thinkng in a safe place.
You are absolutely right about distractions. Social engagements, work deadlines, replenishing my refrigerator. These are all things that will keep me busy and out in the october sunshine for a bit. Help me get perspective.
The real danger is that I will get so wrapped up in all of this stuff that I will remember something new. The new stuff is particularly hard to ignore. sometimes remembering some new episode is just about the most awful feeling I've ever had. I thank you earlier for warning me about an increase in suicidal feelings. You were right, and I was glad to be prepared. Coping strategies in place for that stuff (check!).
I'm going to Target now. Hopefully I won't run into Happyflower's T. I will try to buy something nice for myself.
I think the velocity of the new information uncovering is slowing down greatly this week. What is looming on the horizon is the really nasty stuff of allowing myself to contemplate what kind of person would slap a baby, or push her down the stairs. That kind of abomination is really going to HIT me, fairly soon. I've been avoiding it for many weeks now ... but there are many triggers for it- babies crying at the supermarket, seeing fathers and children, seeing doctors, who failed to intervene in my case, etc etc. I just wonder... what would have happened if there had been a father who loved me in my life?
these questions-- asked from a very dark place, with a very neutral, casual voice. A voice that is starting to crack. well.-Li
Posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 12:06:03
In reply to perils of going too fast. **C.Abuse triggers** » Daisym, posted by Lindenblüte on October 7, 2006, at 10:20:41
What you are describing is "shock." As real as a physical injury - when you remember something "new" -- stuff that has been hidden -- the first response is nearly always shock. For me it is complete with shakes, head ache, feeling sick to my stomach and then a pretty severe dissociation. If we can get to the tears, I come back to myself and feel better. Often this take a session or three -- but since I have them right in a row, it works most of the time. When I talk about something newish on a Thursday it is much scarier. Then I have to be alone with it for days.
It gets all mixed up, doesn't it? The anguish that is so young and the outrage from the adult part of us. And yes, the wondering about how things might have been different. I know you work with kids and so do I. Sometimes I can tell myself that all the kids who may have been helped by me wouldn't have been if my life had taken a different path. It isn't a huge comfort but in the darkest moments, it is something to hang on to.
And the act of telling, in and of itself, is terrifying. Even after 3 years of working together, I sometimes beg my therapist to not tell anyone what I've just revealed and to "not be mad at me." Sad. Pathetic really. But there it is.
What'd ya get at Target? They have some cute shoes right now...
Posted by happyflower on October 7, 2006, at 12:17:25
In reply to Re: perils of going too fast. **C.Abuse triggers** » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 12:06:03
Yeah shopping is a great distraction for me! LOL But now I am afraid of going to Target and seeing what my T has in his cart! (maybe he is even weirder than I know) lol (I mean what if he had new G-string underware in his cart or worse WOMEN's underwhere for HIM to wear! LOL or preparation H? Now I am when I go to Target I will wonder if he has THAT in his cart! LOL
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 7, 2006, at 14:20:17
In reply to Re: perils of going too fast. **C.Abuse triggers** » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 12:06:03
> What you are describing is "shock." As real as a physical injury - when you remember something "new" -- stuff that has been hidden -- the first response is nearly always shock. For me it is complete with shakes, head ache, feeling sick to my stomach and then a pretty severe dissociation. If we can get to the tears, I come back to myself and feel better. Often this take a session or three -- but since I have them right in a row, it works most of the time. When I talk about something newish on a Thursday it is much scarier. Then I have to be alone with it for days.
YEah- Daisy! that's it. that's exactly what I feel. I was getting the "SHOCK" thing a lot with my oldT, but I never knew how to talk about it. It all seemed so unrelated, and I couldn't figure out how it was relevant at all. Now with NewT, I am doing the storytelling, but i'm holding back all the feelings. The first session I had a very sarcastic, very humorous sardonic tone. I apologized to her. I told her I'm usually not like this, but it all seems so rediculous. Now, I've had about 3 or 4 sessions with major storytelling. Not much WORK per se, as I've become pretty good at shutting down and shutting off. I think I'm gradually peeling back my walls. I allowed myself a few tears here and there last session. But the big stuff is looming. Kind of like the 9th of January, 1905. The prelude feels bad, but the real events and consequences may be even worse. Oh well.> It gets all mixed up, doesn't it? The anguish that is so young and the outrage from the adult part of us. And yes, the wondering about how things might have been different. I know you work with kids and so do I. Sometimes I can tell myself that all the kids who may have been helped by me wouldn't have been if my life had taken a different path. It isn't a huge comfort but in the darkest moments, it is something to hang on to.
Yes. it's terribly mixed up. even more so right now, because my family spends at least 5 days a year on "vacation" where we rent a condo someplace nice and eat meals and do fun activities. And it's so easy to pretend that everything is hunkydory. But we have lied to eachother for so long. More lies and more lies. I wonder if there will ever be a moment when I will feel empowered enough to speak up for my little self. I am literally the smallest, weakest person in my family. Most people don't appreciate that, because I'm 5'10" and seem confident and cooperative. But in their presence, I fall back into that pattern of respectful, anxious deference. The adult me says that I have a LOT of accomplishments, and that I'm intelligent and smart, and have a lot of insight into human nature (including my own) that the other's lack. I often get confused about how to feel better about my own role as a baby, a child, a teenager, and now an adult in this family, without inflicting more anger and trauma on those who I may have compassion for (my mom and older brother) and who I love (my mom and my little brother). Not to mention how I can reconcile my image of myself as a "good person" with the wish that my feeble minded and physically incapacitated brain-damaged dad cease to exist.
> And the act of telling, in and of itself, is terrifying. Even after 3 years of working together, I sometimes beg my therapist to not tell anyone what I've just revealed and to "not be mad at me." Sad. Pathetic really. But there it is.
yep. terrifying. If your family was anything like mine, there were locks on the doors, rooms that held secrets. Scenes that were never referred to ever again, people, conflicts that were glossed over and never mentioned. Other conflicts that were distorted to favor the victor. Opaque curtains and tall hedges to maintain "privacy". "Privacy" being the primary and only virtue of the household structure. More important than love was the duty to protect the _____ whatever we didn't talk about. To violate that is to lose our home. our sanctuary. our parents protection (which is a delusion). our parent's affection. I think my mother loved me anyways. but she couldn't show it most of the time. It was a desparate secret that she had to hide from her husband and my older brother. ((((Mom))))
> What'd ya get at Target? They have some cute shoes right now...
I *Wanted* to stop by the shoes, but I got the stuff on my list first, and then decided I ought to quit while I was ahead.yogurt, cottage cheese, herbal tea bags, vitamin C powder, koolaid (I know... but I can't drink alcohol... a girl's gotta have something fun!). A satin sleep mask. A new color of blush, some lip gloss, 2 pairs of thin cotton gloves to limit attacks on my cuticles. about 20 frozen dinners, like Amy's Indian food, and cheese enchiladas and Lean cuisines. I like to take these to school, because they are very pack-able, and they are MUCH cheaper than buying a meal at the cafeteria. I have to save money, because my therapy is expensive now :( I haven't really been up to cooking for the last week or so, so I decided this would be preferable to eating cereal for dinner.
-Li
Posted by Lindenblüte on October 7, 2006, at 14:25:17
In reply to Re: perils of going too fast. **C.Abuse triggers**, posted by happyflower on October 7, 2006, at 12:17:25
Happyflower, you can just buy something big and innocent and hide all of your delicates underneath it. Maybe like a big queen sized pillow, and then underneath you can put your stuff like fishnet stockings, "ointment", hallmark cards "DEAR THERAPIST! I LUUUUV you", metamucil, 7 pound bag of dublestuf oreos, granny panties, un-granny panties,
i'm going to go read my tabloid now. I hear jennifer aniston broke up with VVaughn, and that brangelina is in troble, and that eva longoria is no longer with tony parker. Basically, there may be more single men this week than last week. I get first dibs on Tony Parker :)
-li
Posted by happyflower on October 7, 2006, at 14:39:38
In reply to Re: perils of going too fast. **C.Abuse triggers** » happyflower, posted by Lindenblüte on October 7, 2006, at 14:25:17
Thank you for the laughs! LOL Now I have to check out the frozen section at Target, Indian food? Wow, sounds yummy! Heck I still feel odd buying tampons sometimes and now my daughter needs that stuff, well geez whiz, when did she grow up? LOL
I think if I had fishnet stocking in my cart, I would let my T see it, LOL , but I am a naughty client who likes to see him blush! Shoot, I would take them out and say, hey, what do you think of these, should I try them on for you? LOL (well maybe I wouldn't, but only in my dreams! LOL) Isn't Target so much fun?
This is the end of the thread.
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