Posted by Lindenblüte on October 7, 2006, at 10:20:41
In reply to Re: Go, Speed Racer! » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 0:22:16
Thanks Daisy,
I think that I go through some phases where I do get too involved. For a few weeks now, I've been having regular "break-downs" where I've wanted to just understand everything and get it all out at once. Of course the result is that my poor mind goes haywire, shuts down and feels like suicide is a really good alternative. Then a couple days of reactive depression after each of these meltdowns.I think I'm getting to a more balanced state now. I'm able to limit my introspective phases to safe situations. I will take my laptop to a cafe and just start typing about all the crap I've been through. It's pretty hard to have a full-out mental crisis in a crowded cafe!. And when my laptop battery runs out of power, the rest of my day begins. My T suggested that I always try to do this kind of thinkng in a safe place.
You are absolutely right about distractions. Social engagements, work deadlines, replenishing my refrigerator. These are all things that will keep me busy and out in the october sunshine for a bit. Help me get perspective.
The real danger is that I will get so wrapped up in all of this stuff that I will remember something new. The new stuff is particularly hard to ignore. sometimes remembering some new episode is just about the most awful feeling I've ever had. I thank you earlier for warning me about an increase in suicidal feelings. You were right, and I was glad to be prepared. Coping strategies in place for that stuff (check!).
I'm going to Target now. Hopefully I won't run into Happyflower's T. I will try to buy something nice for myself.
I think the velocity of the new information uncovering is slowing down greatly this week. What is looming on the horizon is the really nasty stuff of allowing myself to contemplate what kind of person would slap a baby, or push her down the stairs. That kind of abomination is really going to HIT me, fairly soon. I've been avoiding it for many weeks now ... but there are many triggers for it- babies crying at the supermarket, seeing fathers and children, seeing doctors, who failed to intervene in my case, etc etc. I just wonder... what would have happened if there had been a father who loved me in my life?
these questions-- asked from a very dark place, with a very neutral, casual voice. A voice that is starting to crack. well.-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:692400
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/692681.html