Posted by Lindenblüte on October 7, 2006, at 14:20:17
In reply to Re: perils of going too fast. **C.Abuse triggers** » Lindenblüte, posted by Daisym on October 7, 2006, at 12:06:03
> What you are describing is "shock." As real as a physical injury - when you remember something "new" -- stuff that has been hidden -- the first response is nearly always shock. For me it is complete with shakes, head ache, feeling sick to my stomach and then a pretty severe dissociation. If we can get to the tears, I come back to myself and feel better. Often this take a session or three -- but since I have them right in a row, it works most of the time. When I talk about something newish on a Thursday it is much scarier. Then I have to be alone with it for days.
YEah- Daisy! that's it. that's exactly what I feel. I was getting the "SHOCK" thing a lot with my oldT, but I never knew how to talk about it. It all seemed so unrelated, and I couldn't figure out how it was relevant at all. Now with NewT, I am doing the storytelling, but i'm holding back all the feelings. The first session I had a very sarcastic, very humorous sardonic tone. I apologized to her. I told her I'm usually not like this, but it all seems so rediculous. Now, I've had about 3 or 4 sessions with major storytelling. Not much WORK per se, as I've become pretty good at shutting down and shutting off. I think I'm gradually peeling back my walls. I allowed myself a few tears here and there last session. But the big stuff is looming. Kind of like the 9th of January, 1905. The prelude feels bad, but the real events and consequences may be even worse. Oh well.> It gets all mixed up, doesn't it? The anguish that is so young and the outrage from the adult part of us. And yes, the wondering about how things might have been different. I know you work with kids and so do I. Sometimes I can tell myself that all the kids who may have been helped by me wouldn't have been if my life had taken a different path. It isn't a huge comfort but in the darkest moments, it is something to hang on to.
Yes. it's terribly mixed up. even more so right now, because my family spends at least 5 days a year on "vacation" where we rent a condo someplace nice and eat meals and do fun activities. And it's so easy to pretend that everything is hunkydory. But we have lied to eachother for so long. More lies and more lies. I wonder if there will ever be a moment when I will feel empowered enough to speak up for my little self. I am literally the smallest, weakest person in my family. Most people don't appreciate that, because I'm 5'10" and seem confident and cooperative. But in their presence, I fall back into that pattern of respectful, anxious deference. The adult me says that I have a LOT of accomplishments, and that I'm intelligent and smart, and have a lot of insight into human nature (including my own) that the other's lack. I often get confused about how to feel better about my own role as a baby, a child, a teenager, and now an adult in this family, without inflicting more anger and trauma on those who I may have compassion for (my mom and older brother) and who I love (my mom and my little brother). Not to mention how I can reconcile my image of myself as a "good person" with the wish that my feeble minded and physically incapacitated brain-damaged dad cease to exist.
> And the act of telling, in and of itself, is terrifying. Even after 3 years of working together, I sometimes beg my therapist to not tell anyone what I've just revealed and to "not be mad at me." Sad. Pathetic really. But there it is.
yep. terrifying. If your family was anything like mine, there were locks on the doors, rooms that held secrets. Scenes that were never referred to ever again, people, conflicts that were glossed over and never mentioned. Other conflicts that were distorted to favor the victor. Opaque curtains and tall hedges to maintain "privacy". "Privacy" being the primary and only virtue of the household structure. More important than love was the duty to protect the _____ whatever we didn't talk about. To violate that is to lose our home. our sanctuary. our parents protection (which is a delusion). our parent's affection. I think my mother loved me anyways. but she couldn't show it most of the time. It was a desparate secret that she had to hide from her husband and my older brother. ((((Mom))))
> What'd ya get at Target? They have some cute shoes right now...
I *Wanted* to stop by the shoes, but I got the stuff on my list first, and then decided I ought to quit while I was ahead.yogurt, cottage cheese, herbal tea bags, vitamin C powder, koolaid (I know... but I can't drink alcohol... a girl's gotta have something fun!). A satin sleep mask. A new color of blush, some lip gloss, 2 pairs of thin cotton gloves to limit attacks on my cuticles. about 20 frozen dinners, like Amy's Indian food, and cheese enchiladas and Lean cuisines. I like to take these to school, because they are very pack-able, and they are MUCH cheaper than buying a meal at the cafeteria. I have to save money, because my therapy is expensive now :( I haven't really been up to cooking for the last week or so, so I decided this would be preferable to eating cereal for dinner.
-Li
poster:Lindenblüte
thread:692400
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060926/msgs/692768.html