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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on September 13, 2006, at 11:14:35
I have been worried about you.
Posted by ElaineM on September 13, 2006, at 17:42:45
In reply to Elaine, are you okay?, posted by happyflower on September 13, 2006, at 11:14:35
(((HF))) I'm alright, I suppose. Maybe a little embarassed:( So I think I'll probably wait until tomorrow before I update. I'm so back and forth lately -- painfully confused. And so much happens each session.
Thanks for thinking of me. It means alot.
blove, EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 14, 2006, at 20:39:43
In reply to Re: Elaine, are you okay?, posted by ElaineM on September 13, 2006, at 17:42:45
Sorry, this is going to be a cr@ppy update. I can't get my brain moving lately. And I forgot to take any pills before bed and today my face felt like I ran into a brick wall -- the painkillers won't seem to kick in. To finish off with the dental garbage... Regular Dentist called-in my antibiotics yesterday but I couldn't pick them up today, so hopefully tomorrow. If all goes well with the infection he should be re-opening his tooth next week. And he's calling my Endo (or a different one. cheaper please!) for the week after -- though if numbers 3 and 4 get any worse, I'm gonna have to tell him to forget the "half-fixed" ones and work on the biggies....No more dentist stuff - I promise.
Haven't SI is a couple of days -- which is good. I'm trying to find ways not to, cause I really don't want that to become bad again. The first time Chat was a good distraction. I end up so focused on trying to read and think of words, that the rest of the world fades away for a bit. Even anxiety - I'm way too nervous about typing to remember the reasons that brought me there. Last night, I went to Chat after I kinda "coped". It's really embarassing but, I had a binge last night right before I came in - which I suppose is backwards. Shoulda been there instead. I'm not used to this. That's not who I've been for the past six years, so it's scary and really upsetting. I felt like everything I said had to do with food -- sorry guys. Still though, in the moment I find chat is helpful. It's about half an hour after I logout that I crash. Not triggered - just a plain old sinking down.
With my T, things are fine -- I can deal with how things are. He told me I'm safe there. He told me that a gift is the safest way he can show his affection. He said that he'd like me to do something that would make him happy (accept his offers). So I decided I would accept his alternative present (not cash), so he is pleased. I'm trying to feel good about it, but I can't help feeling sh*tty, and worse, but I don't want to get into that. He held me most of the time, but I'm beginning to be okay with that (and I'll try not to mention physical stuff anymore). The course is not at my university - not towards upgrading my degree......though... :-( It was just to try to do something to be around others. Things are (again) back to not changing as fast. I feel really bad that I've disrespected his trust as much as I have. So I'm trying see if I can deal with stuff on my own a little more, or at least keep it off the board -- I don't know how long that will last. Probably until I'm scared again, or something. [I know he's not reading here, but at the end of one of his last emails he said, "Thanks for listening to me babbling on." and I had giant butterflies in my tummy for like tens minutes after cause he said that one word. Just freaked me out a little] And I just don't want you all to think poorly of me (though I know you'll say you wouldn't). Sorry that I post when I'm in a panic :-( Though I'm a bit oblivious to all things all the time. I've been trying to figure out the best way to say things, so I'm glad I waited to post.
I'm fine though. [Maybe a little extra down from seeing pics of Ex's wedding, to someone it looks like he treats wonderfully. In pics at least :'( She looks beautiful and happy herself. I can't stop whining to myself about, Why did she get the loving version. It is bizarre to see him holding someone else. I was talking to T and he wants to see the website, but I don't think I'm ok with that. And he's dumber than me that way so I don't think he could connect the pieces to find it himself. S*cks - I hadn't even thought of him once in years, until a couple of weeks ago....I wish someone loved me........man, I gotta stop thinking about this] And you (Happy and everyone) have helped soooo much listening to me blabbing as I've been going to all my scary meetings. I don't even think they were necessary after all that. Really, I don't care about stuff anymore. (And I'm not frantic when saying that. Not trying to convince myself, I do feel this way) I don't care if it's difficult. I'm used to adapting. I expect to be anxious and sad all the time, so it's not anything new. I always just end up doing what's required to live through. And there's more linking my T and I together than I can explain, and I should've been more mindful of that. But thanks for being there/here. :-) I hope you'll always be willing to listen. You guys mean alot to me.
blove EL
Posted by ElaineM on September 15, 2006, at 21:34:49
In reply to update (long boring), posted by ElaineM on September 14, 2006, at 20:39:43
I mention death anniversaries (don't know if that's a trig)
******
I just felt like I never have anything good to share about T, so I wanted to tell. About two weeks ago I was mourning the anniversary of my beloved grandfather's death (who is responsible for any shread of love or sanity my sister and I have inside). Through it all we got to talking about my baby sisters who died not long after being born. It's weird I never got to see, or talk about them, (even photos of my mother with her belly were thrown out) but the twins have always been in my mind. Whenever I felt like I didn't deserve to live I used to despair so much over the fact that I was taking the place of a worthier human -- I always used to think that I was using up the life-force they had needed to live. I used to think my existence killed them -- it's such little kid thinking, I know, but it used to make perfect sense in my head. I used to cry for them, that they didn't ever get to know their grandparents :(Anyways, we were never allowed to ask anything about them. I didn't know if they had been given names. I didn't even know where they were buried. All the grandparents I could've asked had recently died within this past year and a half. So when I was remembering my grandfather with my T, it brought up alot of feelings about my unknown sisters.
My T did some searching and networking the cemetaries and today he told me he found them, and gave me a print out of the layout. He's going to take me to see them, for the first time ever. ANd I'm going to put down two pink roses for them. :'(
I keep having little sobbing bursts. Happy-Sad tears. I'm relieved, but also, they've never been made "real" for me before. For all these years they've only been part of my head. I'm scared to go there too -- I'm afriad to cry those tears. I think he's wonderful for doing this for me. And I just wanted to share. but it's okay if still no one likes him. I just ache so much for the family I don't have anymore (the ones I learned some love from, and the ones I never got to love myself), that this was a big deal for me. It makes me want to hug you all too.
Posted by annierose on September 15, 2006, at 22:12:42
In reply to a gesture, posted by ElaineM on September 15, 2006, at 21:34:49
It's not that we don't like him as a person. Speaking only for myself, I don't he is acting in the best interest of "Elaine" as his therapy client.
The death of your twin sisters is very sad. I think your parents thought it best to try to "forget" the girls were born. But the brain remembers. We can try to push all the pain back down, but it has a way of creeping to the surface when we least expect it. It's good to talk about the sisters you lost. I'm glad he found their burial site for you.
Posted by caraher on September 16, 2006, at 8:28:31
In reply to Re: a gesture » ElaineM, posted by annierose on September 15, 2006, at 22:12:42
I feel as Annierose does... I certainly don't hate your T, and he obviously has done many very nice things for you. I just think he's doing something very wrong in his professional role. And here's a thought for you - maybe, just maybe, you are just so beautiful and wonderful that he's not strong enough to observe proper boundaries with you. I don't think that makes it OK; that's not my point. I just hope you can see yourself not only as someone whose existence the universe can tolerate, but as much more - someone desirable, someone people can be drawn to, someone special!
Don't fear your tears at the gravesite! They're a good thing. And while I understand your "survivor's guilt" perhaps a better attitude to adopt would be to live your life as well as you can for them! Don't disdain the gift the fragility of life denied your sisters. The best way to honor them is to make your own life as fulfilling as possible.
((((El))))
Posted by ElaineM on September 16, 2006, at 13:41:40
In reply to Re: a gesture, posted by caraher on September 16, 2006, at 8:28:31
Yes, sorry annierose, i didn't mean to sound so accusatory -- i do forget he has two roles.
caraher, thanks for saying nice things. they really don't apply, but i know you mean well. sorry both your replies are so short. i'd probably
say something wrong anyways. you are both dear.i just got a message saying that he felt i didn't express my thanks in person and that he felt overlooked. I don't know maybe i should've sent him a message instead of telling you. i thought i did say thanks though. i just f*cking give up :'( everything is wrong
Posted by caraher on September 16, 2006, at 13:57:10
In reply to Re: a gesture, posted by ElaineM on September 16, 2006, at 13:41:40
(((El)))
Here's a real-life relationship tip... whining about how someone thanks you is not a classy move! Especially when you're supposed to be *helping* that someone learn how to relate more "normally" to others (which implies that sometimes the "right thing" will not be said). Presumably he does what he does for you because he wants to for your sake, not for the sake of a particular expression of gratitude.
So in this case I think your T is being socially inept, whether or not you said "the right thing."
Posted by ElaineM on September 16, 2006, at 23:52:24
In reply to Re: a gesture, posted by caraher on September 16, 2006, at 13:57:10
Yes caraher, maybe T is not always so nice. And maybe I'm not always so deserving. who knows. i told him i will go to my test alone tomorrow. There's no point going with another. It doesn't mean anything. the doc at emerg wants me to come back to outpatient medical unit after the other test tomorrow because of today. I'm not well again. I will not let them keep me overnight though. When you beg for help they don't listen, when you ask to be left alone they won't mind their own business. I'd rather be at home. I don't care. i hate myself and this f*cking body. Stupid f*cking body. There is nothing to look forward to. i am glad i keep breaking, because if life didn't hurt me I'd hurt myself. i'm frightened and i'm tired. and writing is hard, and everything is hard. And there's no respite anywhere. Safe is not even safe. And my mouth and my body and my aloneness! I do have to stop for a little rest until things are better. even though they will never be better :'( What am i going to do? It is too hard to be both against and not-against, so i'm going to only be one for a while. too confusing with those bad thoughts.
Be back later. Hugging you and everyone.
Posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:22:20
In reply to myself » caraher, posted by ElaineM on September 16, 2006, at 23:52:24
It sounds like you need a lot of hugs right now. Good luck.
(((((((((((((((Elaine))))))))))))))))
sunnydays
Posted by muffled on September 17, 2006, at 13:47:30
In reply to (((((((((((((((ElaineM))))))))))))))))), posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:22:20
Posted by llrrrpp on September 17, 2006, at 16:50:20
In reply to (((((((((((((((ElaineM))))))))))))))))), posted by sunnydays on September 17, 2006, at 10:22:20
Hi Elaine.
I'm glad to hear that i'm not the only one who uses babble-chat to stay out of trouble. I'm really anxious right now too. I don't know what to do with my self sometimes either.I take my meds about the same time as I log on to babblechat. I clean my face and take my meds, and then come and hang out and be goofy. I stay on until I absolutely cannot sit upright any longer. Then I stumble off to bed. I have sleepy meds. They work.
I SI almost everyday. It's not as bad as cutting my arm, that I've only done a little bit a few months ago. But this is also bad. It's my old habit. cuticles. And I cut them and shred them with implements. I've tried what I can do, but no matter where I go, there are always opportunities for me to hurt myself. My teeth and my hands are always there.
I have a bleeder on almost every finger now. The other night I was spilling all the stuff on my thread below. I had one that wouldn't stop bleeding for hours. I put the blood all over my pajamas. It's a mess. It's disgusting.
It's okay though. Really. It's not wonderful, but if I can figure out WHY I get so anxious, and what I can do to avoid it, then I will be in a better position to stop doing it. I alternate between different bad behaviors, but I have something almost every day. picking. scratching. scabs, cutting cuticles, ugh. makes me ill to think about it. But the purpose of these behaviors is to help me avoid feeling the other things. I can hardly think about anything BUT me, but at least I'm not feeling it.
I'm going to go work on my marble roller coaster now. I bought it at a toy store. It's something I always wanted to have. It's a fun toy to tinker with. Why is the marble flying off the curve? if I tweak it here or there, will it fix the problems (yes, but then the marble is too slow to make the loop-d-loop.) I finished one yesterday. It took hours. Now I'm ready to start another one.
(((((elaine))))).
I don't need hugs. I don't know what I need, but there aren't enough hugs in the world to make me feel safe right now. I've got hugs IRL, and I'm still in a bad place. oh well.
I'm so sorry to spread my misery on your thread. not fair.
-ll
Posted by antigua on September 18, 2006, at 14:14:09
In reply to a gesture, posted by ElaineM on September 15, 2006, at 21:34:49
I hesitate to post about your T because I know you have a lot of stuff going on with him, but I had to say that the gesture is a true gift, and I really hope that it works out for you that way. I hope seeing your sisters' graves will help you. And I hope it won't be too hard on you. But you will know where they are and maybe that can help you heal a bit. It is a tremendous burden you have been carrying.
best,
antigua
This is the end of the thread.
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