Posted by ElaineM on September 14, 2006, at 20:39:43
In reply to Re: Elaine, are you okay?, posted by ElaineM on September 13, 2006, at 17:42:45
Sorry, this is going to be a cr@ppy update. I can't get my brain moving lately. And I forgot to take any pills before bed and today my face felt like I ran into a brick wall -- the painkillers won't seem to kick in. To finish off with the dental garbage... Regular Dentist called-in my antibiotics yesterday but I couldn't pick them up today, so hopefully tomorrow. If all goes well with the infection he should be re-opening his tooth next week. And he's calling my Endo (or a different one. cheaper please!) for the week after -- though if numbers 3 and 4 get any worse, I'm gonna have to tell him to forget the "half-fixed" ones and work on the biggies....No more dentist stuff - I promise.
Haven't SI is a couple of days -- which is good. I'm trying to find ways not to, cause I really don't want that to become bad again. The first time Chat was a good distraction. I end up so focused on trying to read and think of words, that the rest of the world fades away for a bit. Even anxiety - I'm way too nervous about typing to remember the reasons that brought me there. Last night, I went to Chat after I kinda "coped". It's really embarassing but, I had a binge last night right before I came in - which I suppose is backwards. Shoulda been there instead. I'm not used to this. That's not who I've been for the past six years, so it's scary and really upsetting. I felt like everything I said had to do with food -- sorry guys. Still though, in the moment I find chat is helpful. It's about half an hour after I logout that I crash. Not triggered - just a plain old sinking down.
With my T, things are fine -- I can deal with how things are. He told me I'm safe there. He told me that a gift is the safest way he can show his affection. He said that he'd like me to do something that would make him happy (accept his offers). So I decided I would accept his alternative present (not cash), so he is pleased. I'm trying to feel good about it, but I can't help feeling sh*tty, and worse, but I don't want to get into that. He held me most of the time, but I'm beginning to be okay with that (and I'll try not to mention physical stuff anymore). The course is not at my university - not towards upgrading my degree......though... :-( It was just to try to do something to be around others. Things are (again) back to not changing as fast. I feel really bad that I've disrespected his trust as much as I have. So I'm trying see if I can deal with stuff on my own a little more, or at least keep it off the board -- I don't know how long that will last. Probably until I'm scared again, or something. [I know he's not reading here, but at the end of one of his last emails he said, "Thanks for listening to me babbling on." and I had giant butterflies in my tummy for like tens minutes after cause he said that one word. Just freaked me out a little] And I just don't want you all to think poorly of me (though I know you'll say you wouldn't). Sorry that I post when I'm in a panic :-( Though I'm a bit oblivious to all things all the time. I've been trying to figure out the best way to say things, so I'm glad I waited to post.
I'm fine though. [Maybe a little extra down from seeing pics of Ex's wedding, to someone it looks like he treats wonderfully. In pics at least :'( She looks beautiful and happy herself. I can't stop whining to myself about, Why did she get the loving version. It is bizarre to see him holding someone else. I was talking to T and he wants to see the website, but I don't think I'm ok with that. And he's dumber than me that way so I don't think he could connect the pieces to find it himself. S*cks - I hadn't even thought of him once in years, until a couple of weeks ago....I wish someone loved me........man, I gotta stop thinking about this] And you (Happy and everyone) have helped soooo much listening to me blabbing as I've been going to all my scary meetings. I don't even think they were necessary after all that. Really, I don't care about stuff anymore. (And I'm not frantic when saying that. Not trying to convince myself, I do feel this way) I don't care if it's difficult. I'm used to adapting. I expect to be anxious and sad all the time, so it's not anything new. I always just end up doing what's required to live through. And there's more linking my T and I together than I can explain, and I should've been more mindful of that. But thanks for being there/here. :-) I hope you'll always be willing to listen. You guys mean alot to me.
blove EL
poster:ElaineM
thread:685579
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060911/msgs/686046.html