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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 14:53:23
i haven't been here in a while, but i think i need to talk about this. i haven't been thinking about my t as much as i used to, but yes i still feel things for him, and last night i was alone and i thought i'd try to get drunk, cause i was bored. so i went out and got some rum and had a few drinks (at home) and i drew a little bit (i'm NOT an artist) and played with my make-up (i hardly ever use it, but have tons) and was feeling a little sorry for myself, and realized i was very alone. so i started tooling around online and somehow ended up typing in google, "lesbians in (the town i live in)" (i don't know if i AM lesbian or not, but i could be, well, bi sexual at least), and got a few pages of info, but ended up at one site that had lots of info on SINGLES (not lesbians), and i ended up going to that page and what did i find, but my T's face staring at me!!!!!!! it was his match.com profile pic, and i was stunned. i paused for a minute, thinking of whether or not i should click on it to find out more about my T, or if it would end up being a bad idea. but of coure i clicked on it and found out about him, how he likes assertive women (me) athletic type or average bodied women (me, more athletic, but not quite there yet), thunderstorms (i like them too) and long hair (well what do you know, i got that!) he likes audioslave and other type of that music (modern rock), but then there are the other things he likes, a woman who is a brainiac (not me, although i'm not stupid, but at times feel i am), a cigar aficionado (woman who like cigars) (totally NOT ME), don't even like smoking!) and he also has somewhere in his profile that he likes artistic women too, but drama queens need not apply because "he doesn't want to take his work home with him" (another obvious sign that he's never going to be with me, although of course i knew that). but now i feel i can't measure up to him, and the qualities he likes in women, especially the brainiac, and although i'm not a dog, the body type too, cause i've always thought my body is never good enough, though i know it's a pretty nice body.
and around my t, i've always felt inferior, because he's only a little older than i am and he's doing what my dream was, becoming a psychologist. and he's doing it! he had the smarts and motivation!
and lately he's been telling me he feels (in therapy) that i'm not really with him, i'm not letting him IN, not trusting him or depending on him or whatever. but i don't keep him out on purpose, but i think it's because i am used to taking care of myself, no one really has taken care of me but me (and my sisters i guess) and i don't think i've really trusted anyone enough in my life to help me take care of me, and especially since i know that if i did let my T in, it couldn't be in a way that i want to, a romantic way. and then when i left him (in dec) i would have to learn how to take care of myself again.
anyways sorry this is so long, but i needed to get it out, it really took me off guard, it sucks that i had to go and get therapy, if i hadn't, i could have met him some other way and i would be almost perfect for him, but i had to go and get therapy, stupid me.*inimitable
Posted by caraher on September 9, 2006, at 16:43:26
In reply to my T's match.com profile, posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 14:53:23
> now i feel i can't measure up to him, and the qualities he likes in women, especially the brainiac, and although i'm not a dog, the body type too, cause i've always thought my body is never good enough, though i know it's a pretty nice body.
(((inimitable))) A dating site profile like that is a wish list, and the more detail on it the less likely a "perfect match" is. And often, if by some chance the "perfect match" by those criteria came along, he might find himself revising the list. So you shouldn't feel like you don't measure up, and I think you're aware that in fact you are the sort of person he could be attracted to (otherwise why lament that you met him through therapy rather than otside?).
Which, by the way, doesn't make you "stupid!" At worst it's bad luck. After all, you might have found a romantic relationship wouldn't have worked anyway, and you're actually getting more out of knowing him through therapy!
Posted by annierose on September 9, 2006, at 17:10:20
In reply to my T's match.com profile, posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 14:53:23
I hope I don't sound insensitive, but seeing his match.com link would have definitely freaked me out on one level and excited me on another. BINGO! Without a doubt I would have clicked on that link! And if my T was of the opposite sex (and she is not) I may reply to his link (as a joke) --- but that would depend on the sense of humor of the T. It would serve as a warning --- be careful what you put out there on the internet. OR --- I would have my friend reply and dare her to go on the date (but what if they fell in love, oh my, another can of worms to deal with).
Don't worry about his profile as far as his likes and dislikes --- you are not dating him. As a client, his expectations are different. Your job is to show up on time, talk about your difficulties as best you can, share and pay your bill on time --- that's makes an ideal client. Of course, we all want our therapists to like us as people, and I do think they do. It's not your job to be as a client to be "attractive" as a dating partner (if that makes sense).
I really do understand your anxiety over this. When I stumble across something in real life about my T it definitely freaks me out. As much as I think I want to know about her, I probably don't.
Posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 17:28:22
In reply to my T's match.com profile, posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 14:53:23
> and lately he's been telling me he feels (in therapy) that i'm not really with him, i'm not letting him IN, not trusting him or depending on him or whatever. but i don't keep him out on purpose,
Of course you're not doing it on purpose! And I'll share what's only a knee jerk reaction on my part, too: if he thinks it's your job to open up, without any effort on his part to draw you out, then he's not much of a T.
Yes, the more you can open up in therapy, the more you're likely to get out of it. But as the client, it's not your job to create a safe environment in which to do so. That's part of what the T should be doing -- creating an environment in which you can feel safe enough to open up. That means no short cuts to earning your trust, no frustration that you won't "let him in," no impatience with the process.
I started to write a very long post continuing this theme, offering some of my own experiences, but I won't make anyone read that much. What I said above probably covers the topic...
Meanwhile, I'd have clicked, too! I think only someone with incredible boundaries OR a COMPLETE lack of imagination would have been able to resist... (Come to think of it, maybe I would enjoy window shopping match.com this afternoon myself?)
Posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 17:54:39
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile **poss trig** » inimitable, posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 17:28:22
well, my T has told me he just wants me to think about that, my not opening up, to be "aware" of it. when he first (and second) brought it up, i ended up crying and telling him it's not as if i have a button to push that will allow me to let him in, and he said he didn't expect me to, and that he just wants me to be aware of it and stuff. also, with my T, i believe i have been very open with him about everything, even though i do like him and there are things i wouldn't want to tell him cause i like him, but I DO ( such as this situation, i AM going to tell him about it even though i don't want to because it would ruin the non-existant chance that he and i would ever be toegther, cause i know it'll never happen, but if i tell him this, i have the idea that he will think less of me and he knows that I know what he wants in a woman.....it's crazy confusing. but as i was saying, with ANY relationship i've had, i open up to them, all my past bfriends, and soon to be ex husband, and then i find out everything about THEM, and then i think, what i have realized is that i confuse knowing someone INTIMATELY, with having intimacy. you understand me? because i don't think i've connected with anyone really. so me telling my T things, being open with communication, that's what i am used to, in any relationship, telling someone everything about me, but forming no connection. so me and my t's relationship is as deep a relationship as i've ever had.
i wouldn't mind a deeper relationship, with my t or someone else, but i'd be scared. especially if it happened with my t, because i am leaving this he**hole town in december and never coming back, so i'd have t leave him. and also, it wouldn't be the relationship i want to have with him.....it's draining, this whole thing is.
thank you all
*inimitable
Posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 20:12:56
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile **poss trig**, posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 17:54:39
> what i have realized is that i confuse knowing someone INTIMATELY, with having intimacy. you understand me? because i don't think i've connected with anyone really.
WOW! I would never quite have gotten that, but I think I do something kinda similar. Thank you. That gives me something to think about for myself.
Then again, I know I hold back a lot from nearly everyone...
Posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 20:38:51
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile » inimitable, posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 20:12:56
Posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 22:00:51
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile **poss trig**, posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 17:54:39
gosh, now it seems i can't stop going to the site where his profile is....i keep seeing his face, which in the picture, his face looks wider than it actually is, and the pic freakily reminds me of my step brother!
i can't seem to get it out of my mind though, all those qualities that i have that i know he would like, but he only knows me as this screwed up chic that he sees once a week. even though whenever i say something like "i'm crazy" or "screwed up" he always says i'm not, i've just got problems...but as it says in his profile, he doesn't want to "take his work home with him" but we could have really dug each other, if only he weren't my T. and although i know all this information would have killed me two months ago when i was REALLY obsessed with him, it doesn't hurt as much now, but it DOES hurt a bit, and makes me think of what could have been. i don't normally think of "what could have been" a lot, i don't ruminate about the past too much, i mainly fantasize about the future, which is not good either, but have been more present minded lately and it has worked for me, but to have this pop up in my life right now just surprised me. and i am wondering if i even need to mention it to him, my t? if it were any other t, i would mention it, but it wouldn't be as relevent to talk about unless i had a crush on that t too. but if i didn't have a crush on them, would i talk about it? it wouldn't have as much of an effect on me. this does. well, i guess i answered my own question, i am going to tell him, even though i knew i would but i was trying to think of some way where i wouldn't have to.
*inimitable
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2006, at 22:34:52
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile **poss trig**, posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 22:00:51
You know, I know therapists have real lives too. But I wonder if this was a brilliant idea on his part. He must have realized the possibilities. And the remark about not wanting to bring his work home with him was unfortunate, given that I'm sure some of his clients are single and may well run across his profile while looking for singles in the area. Even if he wanted to put up a profile, he really should have been sensitive and discreet about what he said.
I doubt that therapy is the only profession where professionals need to be careful of their public persona...
Are you going to tell him what you found? It's not like anyone wouldn't have clicked once they ran across him by accident.
It's rather disturbing.
Posted by inimitable on September 10, 2006, at 17:00:58
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile **poss trig** » inimitable, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2006, at 22:34:52
yeah i am going to tell him, and he's only a grad student so i think there are things he hasn't really thought of, and also, he's told me that i'm his first client that has gotten a crush on him. but you know what? for some reason, i don't really find him as attractive, i don't know why, maybe it's that freaky pic on his profile (the one that looks like my step brother) or i have just lost interest. sure it was shocking at first, but now that i think about it, i have other possibilities out there for me, there is actually a guy in one of my classes who seems to dig me (he's been smiling at me a LOT) and he's a grad student too (i'm not, but my T is) and it would be nice if he does like me because i would like a guy who is motivated enough to get his degree, be it bachelor's or masters! i really hope this guy does like me, he's older too, which i like....i'll see this guy tomorrow (as well as see me T tomorrow!) wish me luck!
*inimitable
Posted by Dinah on September 10, 2006, at 18:15:53
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile **poss trig**, posted by inimitable on September 10, 2006, at 17:00:58
Posted by inimitable on September 11, 2006, at 18:52:25
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile **poss trig**, posted by inimitable on September 10, 2006, at 17:00:58
i told him about it! he wasn't surprised at all, he told me he thought that might happen, someone finding it. he asked me how it made me feel and all and i told him all the things above. he ended up telling me (because i write things down when i think abou them, and i show him my writings sometimes and one question i wondered this weekend was if he ever got any dates off of match.com) that he actually got one date off of it so far, but no sparks or anything, heeeeheheeeee!!! i was glad he told me that, that was nice of him to tell me. i talked about the whole feeling inferior to him (did i tell you guys about that?) and he ended up reassuring me that everyone's life is influenced by their background and life experiences (i know this) and that he thinks i did tremendously well, he said he didn't know if he would had faired so well if he had been in my situation, and so i ended up feeling a little better about myself afterwards (even though i know i did well, i STILL wish i could have gone after my dream of becoming a psychologist, like he is), but in the end, i am doing pretty good. but now that i know he doesn't think of me as a stupid person (he didn't say that exactly, but now i don't have this paranoid feeling like i did before that he thought i was dumb), but now that i know, i don't know, it makes him even more attractive! but i'm not getting carried away with it, i know i'll never have him.
anyways the whole other guy situation, i didn't even end up talking to this guy, even though i might ask him one day if he'd like to be my partner for the rock wall one day (he knows how to do it), but today, he did smile at me and tap my folder as he passed my desk! but i'm not as into him today for some reason, i think it's because he looks a little too much like a guy who has kind of become like a dad to me, and he even dresses like him too! kind of freaky. anyways i just meant to give you an update, sorry it's so long!*inimitable
Posted by Dinah on September 11, 2006, at 19:42:58
In reply to Re: my T's match.com profile **poss trig**, posted by inimitable on September 11, 2006, at 18:52:25
I'm glad you talked to him about it, and that you feel better about it now. :)
This is the end of the thread.
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