Posted by inimitable on September 9, 2006, at 14:53:23
i haven't been here in a while, but i think i need to talk about this. i haven't been thinking about my t as much as i used to, but yes i still feel things for him, and last night i was alone and i thought i'd try to get drunk, cause i was bored. so i went out and got some rum and had a few drinks (at home) and i drew a little bit (i'm NOT an artist) and played with my make-up (i hardly ever use it, but have tons) and was feeling a little sorry for myself, and realized i was very alone. so i started tooling around online and somehow ended up typing in google, "lesbians in (the town i live in)" (i don't know if i AM lesbian or not, but i could be, well, bi sexual at least), and got a few pages of info, but ended up at one site that had lots of info on SINGLES (not lesbians), and i ended up going to that page and what did i find, but my T's face staring at me!!!!!!! it was his match.com profile pic, and i was stunned. i paused for a minute, thinking of whether or not i should click on it to find out more about my T, or if it would end up being a bad idea. but of coure i clicked on it and found out about him, how he likes assertive women (me) athletic type or average bodied women (me, more athletic, but not quite there yet), thunderstorms (i like them too) and long hair (well what do you know, i got that!) he likes audioslave and other type of that music (modern rock), but then there are the other things he likes, a woman who is a brainiac (not me, although i'm not stupid, but at times feel i am), a cigar aficionado (woman who like cigars) (totally NOT ME), don't even like smoking!) and he also has somewhere in his profile that he likes artistic women too, but drama queens need not apply because "he doesn't want to take his work home with him" (another obvious sign that he's never going to be with me, although of course i knew that). but now i feel i can't measure up to him, and the qualities he likes in women, especially the brainiac, and although i'm not a dog, the body type too, cause i've always thought my body is never good enough, though i know it's a pretty nice body.
and around my t, i've always felt inferior, because he's only a little older than i am and he's doing what my dream was, becoming a psychologist. and he's doing it! he had the smarts and motivation!
and lately he's been telling me he feels (in therapy) that i'm not really with him, i'm not letting him IN, not trusting him or depending on him or whatever. but i don't keep him out on purpose, but i think it's because i am used to taking care of myself, no one really has taken care of me but me (and my sisters i guess) and i don't think i've really trusted anyone enough in my life to help me take care of me, and especially since i know that if i did let my T in, it couldn't be in a way that i want to, a romantic way. and then when i left him (in dec) i would have to learn how to take care of myself again.
anyways sorry this is so long, but i needed to get it out, it really took me off guard, it sucks that i had to go and get therapy, if i hadn't, i could have met him some other way and i would be almost perfect for him, but i had to go and get therapy, stupid me.*inimitable
poster:inimitable
thread:684507
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684507.html