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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on September 7, 2006, at 19:47:44
I don't want to go to group tonight. I suspect I will, but I really don't want to. I want to hide. I don't want to go out. I just don't want to engage.
And I've got another of my Intrusive Thoughts going. Something I want desperately to ask my T about, that's been hanging around my consciousness for nearly a year now. How's that for obsessive? I have in my mind what I "know" her answer would be -- some variation on "why does it matter so much to you?" Unless, of course, her answer is "no, because it wouldn't have made any difference." Neither of which will fill the need that I know she's not there to fill. Still, having it there is a bit of a wall for me right now, which I guess we do need to talk about.
I'm so sick of being the least functional and fattest member of this group, with the least potential. And that's realistic. They're all between ten and twenty years younger than I am, mostly with affluence enough behind them to pay for advanced education which wasn't and isn't available to me. That translates to potential, in a realistic way. And there's a plain fact that I'm the fattest person there. That's not even my distortion. It makes me feel so pathetic, sitting there talking about an eating disorder, when I'm twice the size of anyone else in the room. (Except my T, who's a plump little pixie of a person.)
I don't want to go. [stamps foot and pouts] I just don't wanna! I wanna stay home! I wanna have a blasted tantrum -- but only because I want so very much to be comforted, which ain't gonna happen at home, and probably won't at group...
Dammit.
Posted by Dinah on September 7, 2006, at 21:18:03
In reply to I'm getting tired from all this AvoiDancing..., posted by Racer on September 7, 2006, at 19:47:44
I can see where being in a completely different age group and stage of life with the other members would be discouraging.
But don't be too discouraged by potential. Potential is nothing without will. And you've shown you have will which gives you great potential. :)
Posted by Emily Elizabeth on September 7, 2006, at 22:12:39
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired from all this AvoiDancing... » Racer, posted by Dinah on September 7, 2006, at 21:18:03
No disrespect intended, but I can't help but say this...
If you are in an ED group and you are the fattest one there, you are the most successful! I know that it doesn't feel that way, but hey, they should feel inferior to you!
Just some gentle humor. I hope you made it through group okay. We'll be thinking of you.
Best,
EE
Posted by Daisym on September 7, 2006, at 23:48:43
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired from all this AvoiDancing..., posted by Emily Elizabeth on September 7, 2006, at 22:12:39
If you think of Babble as your other group...well, you certainly aren't the heaviest one here. I know THAT for a fact!! (Mirror, mirror, on the wall...) And I also know you have enormous potential. Isn't that sometimes a burden?
I hope group went well. And I'm struggling with the same age/station in life issue with my group. Last night someone had her last meeting and she had to say what she "got" from each person. She said to me, "you are so strong and centered...you make decisions and bam, you get it done and stick to it. I admire how composed and thoughtful you are." *sigh* Isn't the mask wonderful? And I was upset to once again be described as "strong" -- wow, am I sick of that.
So, there you go. Aren't we a pair?!
Posted by Racer on September 8, 2006, at 0:04:24
In reply to Re: I'm getting tired from all this AvoiDancing... » Emily Elizabeth, posted by Daisym on September 7, 2006, at 23:48:43
> And I also know you have enormous potential. Isn't that sometimes a burden?
You made me spit water all over my keyboard! (How's THAT for self-disclosure?) That magnet is on my fridge.
>
> *sigh* Isn't the mask wonderful? And I was upset to once again be described as "strong" -- wow, am I sick of that.
>
> So, there you go. Aren't we a pair?!
>Yeah, I guess we are. And if it helps, I don't think you're strong...
(I think you're lovely and wonderful and beautiful and brilliant and confused and insightful and... all sorts of wonderful things. But I promise I will make every effort to leave "strong" off that list. And I give you permission to set down that load for a rest, even though I can't tell you that you won't have to pick it up again. Only that it's easier after a rest.)
Posted by Racer on September 8, 2006, at 0:29:57
In reply to Dammit! » Daisym, posted by Racer on September 8, 2006, at 0:04:24
Posted by Jost on September 8, 2006, at 20:46:46
In reply to Dammit! » Daisym, posted by Racer on September 8, 2006, at 0:04:24
Aw, why'd you cry?
Cause you're older and fatter?
Or something more specific?
What did they say?
If you're ever accused of a capital offense, by the way--for example, destruction of self-esteem by a pilates ball--I'll make sure you get the finest legal representation available-- I know many excellent attorneys--
if that helps.
Jost
Posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 3:23:41
In reply to Re: Dammit! » Racer, posted by Jost on September 8, 2006, at 20:46:46
> Aw, why'd you cry?
>
> Cause you're older and fatter?
>
> Or something more specific?I don't know, really. I was feeling pretty cr@p, and didn't want to go, and just sat and cried. Some was being older, and fatter, with crooked legs, bad teeth, and infertile. But that's something I cry about a lot anyway these days.
Mostly, I think I'm crying because I'm depressed. I go into a very specific state, where I kinda deflate, give up, suck back. I start to want something, but then I collapse inward because wanting it won't do me any good, and often has led to worse. I'm too tired to explain it coherently, but I do have a very trivial example of it: while out with my husband, we found a little ice cream parlor that has my favorite ice cream flavor. One no one else around here has. I haven't had it in years, because I haven't known where to find it. The place is more than an hour away, so not someplace I can just hop in the car to pick some up. I've had a little bit of it, just little scoops as a special treat. I went to get some the other day, and it was nearly gone. There were the little tracks my husband leaves when he eats ice cream out of the carton. And I got upset.
But after getting upset, I got paralyzed. After all, it's only ice cream. It's not my personal private ice cream, because having personal private food is not appropriate, it's a sign of compulsive eating, it's unhealthy, etc. It's not fair to tell him he can't have it, especially since I'm not working, so it's his money that paid for it. Etc. That whole rigamarole, which invariably leaves me beating myself up for wanting whatever it is in the first place, when it only leads to upset, pain, disappointment. And I start to collapse inward.
Does that make any sense?
Also, I was having an exercise compulsion. I really wanted to get up and start running in place through the whole session. {shrug} Maybe some of that was coming out through tears?
>
> What did they say?Two said that they felt disconnected from the group because of it. Because they don't cry themselves, and they can't imagine "being in touch with their emotions that way." Well, I'm not in touch with my emotions, I just cry easily. The tears are cathartic, and that emotional energy at least gets out. I do get sick from it, though, which is unfortunate. And I was also having trouble with drinking last night. I drank 48 ounces of water during that 90 minute group session. Also makes me sick.
So, dunno. Maybe I was just crying because I'm so sick of being crazy? And believe me, I am sick of this. Some days I feel especially nuts, and the OCD/agoraphobia/anxiety stuff has been especially bad lately. As has my self loathing over my weight and eating. But mostly it's the OCD type stuff that really gets to me...
Oh, yeah -- and I feel especially slug like lately. Something's going on, and I'm hardly moving. Spending hours on the sofa, not doing anything. Not even enough energy to pay attention to the TV... I've rescheduled my individual therapy, though, in order to spend more time in the maths lab, so maybe that will help. So far, though, I haven't even opened my new math book...
Thanks, Jost. I'll make you my one call if I'm ever arrested for destruction of self esteem...
Posted by Dinah on September 9, 2006, at 10:33:37
In reply to Dunno... » Jost, posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 3:23:41
I do that collapsing thing. A lot of time it follows anger. I get angry about something, feel I'm being unreasonable, then collapse inward.
I'm having huge trouble being productive on a regular basis. I seem to be staring at the TV a lot, and whole days go by where I honestly couldn't tell you what I was doing. Brain fog. Like the electrical impulse of a thought has to slog through something very non-conductive before limping to the next neuron.
What positive things does the group give you? Are you going just because you think you should, or someone told you you should? Or are you really getting something from it.
Can you make a list of pros and cons? I love making lists of pros and cons, although I then do nothing with them.
Posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 11:45:19
In reply to Re: Dunno... » Racer, posted by Dinah on September 9, 2006, at 10:33:37
> I do that collapsing thing. A lot of time it follows anger. I get angry about something, feel I'm being unreasonable, then collapse inward.
Yep -- it's involved with anger for me, too. My T keeps telling me I need to be able to recognize and feel anger, but so far it always triggers that collapse, instead of coming to the surface. I know that a part of me is very angry about a number of things with my husband, but I pull back from expressing it, ever. Even in MC, I censor it.
>
> What positive things does the group give you? Are you going just because you think you should, or someone told you you should? Or are you really getting something from it.
>
> Can you make a list of pros and cons? I love making lists of pros and cons, although I then do nothing with them.lol Sorry to laugh about it, but I do the same thing.
The group? Yes, I do get something out of it. I feel a part of the group, which is pretty much enough for me right now. I also hear others struggling with the same sorts of things I have trouble with. My T is great, as you may have read in my other posts, so she also brings out things that I certainly wouldn't have gotten. The other night, I was able to tell someone that I wasn't comfortable being touched, which is pretty amazing for me. (One night, someone hugged me because I was crying, and it upset me so much I nearly turned inside out. Took two weeks even to tell my T, and never did say anything in group about it -- until the other night. That was nearly a year ago...) I don't feel so isolated, having the group. Just -- I do get something out of the group. It's not something anyone told me would be good for me. I'm one of the clients who kept telling my T, "Let me know when you start a new group/I hope you start that group soon/etc."
Thanks, Dinah. One way or another, I can't be too awful, if I share some of these crazinesses with you. That may not sound right, but truly -- knowing someone I respect does similar things helps me.
This is the end of the thread.
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