Posted by Racer on September 7, 2006, at 19:47:44
I don't want to go to group tonight. I suspect I will, but I really don't want to. I want to hide. I don't want to go out. I just don't want to engage.
And I've got another of my Intrusive Thoughts going. Something I want desperately to ask my T about, that's been hanging around my consciousness for nearly a year now. How's that for obsessive? I have in my mind what I "know" her answer would be -- some variation on "why does it matter so much to you?" Unless, of course, her answer is "no, because it wouldn't have made any difference." Neither of which will fill the need that I know she's not there to fill. Still, having it there is a bit of a wall for me right now, which I guess we do need to talk about.
I'm so sick of being the least functional and fattest member of this group, with the least potential. And that's realistic. They're all between ten and twenty years younger than I am, mostly with affluence enough behind them to pay for advanced education which wasn't and isn't available to me. That translates to potential, in a realistic way. And there's a plain fact that I'm the fattest person there. That's not even my distortion. It makes me feel so pathetic, sitting there talking about an eating disorder, when I'm twice the size of anyone else in the room. (Except my T, who's a plump little pixie of a person.)
I don't want to go. [stamps foot and pouts] I just don't wanna! I wanna stay home! I wanna have a blasted tantrum -- but only because I want so very much to be comforted, which ain't gonna happen at home, and probably won't at group...
Dammit.
poster:Racer
thread:684060
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684060.html