Posted by Racer on September 9, 2006, at 3:23:41
In reply to Re: Dammit! » Racer, posted by Jost on September 8, 2006, at 20:46:46
> Aw, why'd you cry?
>
> Cause you're older and fatter?
>
> Or something more specific?I don't know, really. I was feeling pretty cr@p, and didn't want to go, and just sat and cried. Some was being older, and fatter, with crooked legs, bad teeth, and infertile. But that's something I cry about a lot anyway these days.
Mostly, I think I'm crying because I'm depressed. I go into a very specific state, where I kinda deflate, give up, suck back. I start to want something, but then I collapse inward because wanting it won't do me any good, and often has led to worse. I'm too tired to explain it coherently, but I do have a very trivial example of it: while out with my husband, we found a little ice cream parlor that has my favorite ice cream flavor. One no one else around here has. I haven't had it in years, because I haven't known where to find it. The place is more than an hour away, so not someplace I can just hop in the car to pick some up. I've had a little bit of it, just little scoops as a special treat. I went to get some the other day, and it was nearly gone. There were the little tracks my husband leaves when he eats ice cream out of the carton. And I got upset.
But after getting upset, I got paralyzed. After all, it's only ice cream. It's not my personal private ice cream, because having personal private food is not appropriate, it's a sign of compulsive eating, it's unhealthy, etc. It's not fair to tell him he can't have it, especially since I'm not working, so it's his money that paid for it. Etc. That whole rigamarole, which invariably leaves me beating myself up for wanting whatever it is in the first place, when it only leads to upset, pain, disappointment. And I start to collapse inward.
Does that make any sense?
Also, I was having an exercise compulsion. I really wanted to get up and start running in place through the whole session. {shrug} Maybe some of that was coming out through tears?
>
> What did they say?Two said that they felt disconnected from the group because of it. Because they don't cry themselves, and they can't imagine "being in touch with their emotions that way." Well, I'm not in touch with my emotions, I just cry easily. The tears are cathartic, and that emotional energy at least gets out. I do get sick from it, though, which is unfortunate. And I was also having trouble with drinking last night. I drank 48 ounces of water during that 90 minute group session. Also makes me sick.
So, dunno. Maybe I was just crying because I'm so sick of being crazy? And believe me, I am sick of this. Some days I feel especially nuts, and the OCD/agoraphobia/anxiety stuff has been especially bad lately. As has my self loathing over my weight and eating. But mostly it's the OCD type stuff that really gets to me...
Oh, yeah -- and I feel especially slug like lately. Something's going on, and I'm hardly moving. Spending hours on the sofa, not doing anything. Not even enough energy to pay attention to the TV... I've rescheduled my individual therapy, though, in order to spend more time in the maths lab, so maybe that will help. So far, though, I haven't even opened my new math book...
Thanks, Jost. I'll make you my one call if I'm ever arrested for destruction of self esteem...
poster:Racer
thread:684060
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060826/msgs/684403.html