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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 10 of 10. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on August 12, 2006, at 18:38:57
I dunno...
I just realized I'm feeling pretty needy right now, and -- shock horror -- not getting my needs met. Partly, no doubt, because every time I think of expressing that neediness, I immediately pull back inside myself, telling myself that I'm weak, lazy, damaged, selfish, etc, for asking anyone to care about my needs.
Doesn't help that Mr X and I had a fight this morning, that led to me skipping breakfast -- first to hurt him, which seemed manipulative, so then I didn't deserve to have any food, but at the same time I loved that I had an excuse not to eat, but I also felt lousy and unloved. (Truly, too, though, my feelings were hurt by something he did. He did it because he was mad at me, but wouldn't tell me that directly. UGH!) So now I feel manipulative, unloved (and unloveable), needy, etc.
And useless. Someone fax me a maid? I can't seem to get anything useful done.
And I need a nap, but my husband is in his Saturday position -- napping on the damn sofa, where he's been all day while I try to do laundry, clean bathrooms, and still somehow get some study time in for a test on Monday I know I'm not going to do well on. I want to give up.
Ah, going back to the "going limp" piece, I guess. It's so hard to keep studying with all the stresses I'm feeling, and I want to drop the class. It's only four more days in class -- the final is Thursday. I can't do it.
Someone slap me, see if that helps.
Posted by Tamar on August 12, 2006, at 19:28:03
In reply to Ugh. I'm feeling needy, posted by Racer on August 12, 2006, at 18:38:57
Gosh, it sounds like you’re having a frustrating time.
Did I understand correctly – is Mr X your husband? So the person you had a fight with this morning (which led to your skipping breakfast) is the same person who is napping on the sofa while you clean stuff? And meanwhile you’re dealing with the anxiety of studying for a test?
I think you’re much more patient than I am. If I were in your position I would probably be having a major tantrum and it would be impossible for anyone to nap through it. It might not help, but I’d probably be doing it anyway.
I think there are perhaps two issues here: one is your emotional frame of mind, and the other is your sense of priorities. Is it very important for you that the place is clean and the laundry is done? Can you leave the housework until Tuesday? Or – even better – ask your husband to do it? I think if you’re feeling stressed about the test you might feel more comfortable prioritising the studying rather than the cleaning, but of course if you really like things clean you might not be able to study until it’s done.
Also, I know feeling needy can be uncomfortable, but it sounds to me as if you really do *need* validation. I think you *need* your husband to say something like, “I can understand why you felt hurt. I didn’t mean to hurt you and I’m sorry. And I’m sure you’re anxious about your test on Monday. I’ll try to support you the way you need me to.”
Of course, partners can sometimes be insensitive and lacking in inspiration when it comes to validating. Would it work if you were able to ask your husband directly for what you want – sympathy, a hug, or whatever?
> Ah, going back to the "going limp" piece, I guess. It's so hard to keep studying with all the stresses I'm feeling, and I want to drop the class. It's only four more days in class -- the final is Thursday. I can't do it.
You *can* do it. You’re nearly there. Don’t sabotage yourself, eh? Is there anything else you can drop for a week? I know dropping things can be stressful too, because you know you’ll have to pick them up again, but when you’re feeling overwhelmed it makes sense to postpone things or rearrange things. How reasonable are your expectations of yourself?
> Someone slap me, see if that helps.
I don’t want to slap you! I want to say comforting things to you. I want to encourage you and send you good vibes. I hope you find a way to get what you need from your husband.
Posted by Dinah on August 12, 2006, at 20:15:03
In reply to Ugh. I'm feeling needy, posted by Racer on August 12, 2006, at 18:38:57
It's ok to feel needy, Racer. I'm sorry you're not getting your needs met.
You're almost finished with that class. You can do it! You've done great! If you need to study before it's over, let the housework slide and buy takeout. Nothing disastrous will happen to your house in four days. (Trust me on that one.)
Posted by llrrrpp on August 12, 2006, at 20:51:47
In reply to Re: Ugh. I'm feeling needy » Racer, posted by Dinah on August 12, 2006, at 20:15:03
Racer,
you're going to do really well on the test. I know it's hard, but you can do it. I totally agree with letting the housework slide. If your Mr. X is bugging the crap out of you, get out of the house! I like to study at a cafe or at the library. Anywhere where there is a table and a chair.I'm not a neat freak, but finals week my place is immaculately clean. I find that I cannot get my mind organized until my place is organized. Well, sometimes that's just not realistic. Then I go to a place that's already organized (like a library). something about the smell of the books...
I wrote my master's thesis at Panera bread on saturday mornings. I would get more done there in 2 uninterupted hours than all week at work or home. It helped that they have free refills on coffee... I think?
Can you ask your Mr. X for a bit of help? Tell him you're super stressed out about your exam, and that maybe you're blowing things out of proportion, but that you just need a little more support for the next few days. That it would mean a lot to you if he could take care of a few extra tasks, like picking up the living room, or getting dinner ready. You can also give him a heads up that you are going through a tough time and that it's really important that you get good nutrition- see if he wants to go out to a restaurant tomorrow?
Anyways, you are deserving of love, and loveable. It has NOTHING to do with your academic achievement whatsoever! Sometimes people just don't notice things that are right under their noses- so don't be afraid to ask for a little extra help, loving, support, or space. Just ask, and then take it.
I'm a crappy maid myself. it's been a while since finals week... so? who cares? It'll all work out. Really. rinse and repeat.
-ll
Posted by fallsfall on August 12, 2006, at 21:16:43
In reply to Ugh. I'm feeling needy, posted by Racer on August 12, 2006, at 18:38:57
I just finished my class, so if you need help studying send me an email.
The end of the semester is rough. Decide what YOU need to get through it and then insist on that. Let stuff go. Dinah is right - it will be OK if you put it off.
Posted by Racer on August 13, 2006, at 13:31:21
In reply to Re: Ugh. I'm feeling needy » Racer, posted by fallsfall on August 12, 2006, at 21:16:43
Posted by Racer on August 13, 2006, at 14:27:38
In reply to Re: Ugh. I'm feeling needy, posted by llrrrpp on August 12, 2006, at 20:51:47
>
> Can you ask your Mr. X for a bit of help? Tell him you're super stressed out about your exam, and that maybe you're blowing things out of proportion, but that you just need a little more support for the next few days. That it would mean a lot to you if he could take care of a few extra tasks, like picking up the living room, or getting dinner ready. You can also give him a heads up that you are going through a tough time and that it's really important that you get good nutrition- see if he wants to go out to a restaurant tomorrow?See, I have asked for help. Many times, for years. It's something that comes up regularly in marriage counseling, and you know what the result is? I get to feel guilty and ashamed and angry and overwhelmed. Nothing else. I think the MC is starting to catch on, but so far nothing has changed. In the six and a half years we've lived here, he has cleaned the kitchen floor once, and that's about it. His only chore around here is vacuuming, which we agreed he would do once a week and I wouldn't say a word about when he did it or how well. That lasted three weeks. Since then -- that was November of 2004 -- he's vacuumed twice, and made a big deal each time that I was too messy for him to do it. If I go on, I'll get more upset, so let's just leave it at this: it's not worth asking him for help, because it won't lead to anything except me getting more upset.
And then I get overwhelmed, and feel like a complete failure, because I can't keep this place tidy.
And he says no to a housekeeper. Even the MC has brought that up.
He swears up and down that this isn't a case of "I go to work to earn money to support you -- your job is to take care of the house." He swears that isn't it. He also swears he would do anything at all to help me. Apparently that doesn't include anything useful around the house. Except, by the way, complain about the state of it.
And I have asked for help, with the housework, with being held, etc. Same result.
Thanks, Lurpsie. You really are encouraging, even if I do sound negative right now. I think I'm a little depressed...
Posted by Racer on August 13, 2006, at 14:33:43
In reply to Re: Ugh. I'm feeling needy » Racer, posted by Dinah on August 12, 2006, at 20:15:03
I don't have the energy to answer you both individually, and I'm sorry about that. (The email to Falls with all the math stuff in it took a lot out of me...)
I just feel so overwhelmed. Our MC has suggested a professional organizer, a housekeeper, and working together to clean part of the place every week. So far, though, the only thing that's maybe changed is that his Saturdays on the sofa have turned into weekends on the sofa... I think he finally showered yesterday at about 5:30.
I'm obviously not feeling very generous today. I think I'll stop now.
By the way, we're talking to a man who drove his laundry more than 150 km each week to his mother until her death. He's what we call a prince, right? I think he figures his mother was the average woman, and that all women somehow do this. Mind you, she got up at 4:30 to wash the windows before leaving for work. That's not average for anyone I know.
OK. I'm gonna stop now, because I get myself more tangled up with this...
Posted by Dinah on August 13, 2006, at 14:40:28
In reply to I think you've just identified the problem..., posted by Racer on August 13, 2006, at 14:27:38
I know this is easier said than done. But if he complains about the housekeeping can you just breezily say that you haven't had time to do it because you were too busy studying, or cooking dinner, or whatever you were too busy doing?
Just because he complains doesn't mean you're a bad person, or a bad wife, or a bad homemaker. It just means he's complaining. Or that he wants things a certain way. And if he wanted it that badly, he'd do it himself, so it can't be that big a deal to him.
I complain all the time that I want stuff hung on the walls, and my husband never gets around to it. I could get angry, but that wouldn't be productive. Or I could decide to learn how to hang things on walls. I guess if I ever want things hung bad enough, I'll do the latter.
Not doing what your spouse is complaining about immediately isn't all that unusual in a marriage. :)
Posted by llrrrpp on August 13, 2006, at 15:01:29
In reply to Re: I think you've just identified the problem... » Racer, posted by Dinah on August 13, 2006, at 14:40:28
very unfortunate-
The next few days are a good time to let things slide and see if the guy notices. If/when he notices and gets grumpy, just say nonchalantly that you were waiting for him to get his bum off the couch and do the team housework as per MC's suggestions...
And just because the squeaky wheel gets the grease doesn't mean that you have to respond instantly to the guy's whining. DON'T feel guilty for letting the housework slide. You're allowed to do things on whatever schedule you want. If you are the one responsible for doing the work, you should also be the one who decides WHEN HOW and IF things will be cleaned up on any given weekend. Your guy sounds like a dictator, but he hasn't any real power, above and beyond his power to make you feel guilty.
best of luck. not an ideal situation, but I know something about men like that (my dad, my brother...) my husband has proclaimed me to be domestically untalented, and has even decided that if one of us has to stay home with an eventual wee one that it will be him, because I'm lousy with household management- haha- and he's SOOOO right!
-ll
p.s. get a housekeeper to come sometime when he's away. If he agreed to it in front of the MC, that should be considered binding, no?
This is the end of the thread.
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