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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 12 of 12. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
Dear Fellow Babblers,
I know I have lost my temper last week, and I am sorry for what I have said. I was triggered in a major way, which hasn't happened in over a year. I am not a threat to anyone, and most of you know that, I have never harmed anyone and don't plan on it. The reference to being chopped up has more to do with what you do to tofu than anything else. But now that I have a chance to explain, this is how I really feel.
Have you ever as a child been held down and burned with a lightbulb because you wet the bed? Yeah, I have, I can still see, and smell it.Excuse me?
Have you ever been had to witness your brother being beaten and tortured and know that you were next? Yeah, I have I can still hear my mothers evil laugh.
Excuse me?
Have you even been tricked in eating your pet rabbits, then after was told it was your pets and not chicken, you threw up, and was forced to eat that?
Excuse me?
Was you ever forced to live out in the woods in the summer when school was out to avoid your mothers abuse until your father came home? But getting spanked by your father for not doing your chores was a lot better than risking yourself being at home while your mother was awake.
Excuse me?
Have you even had your sibling threatened with a gun to their face 2 days after Christmas, after my father passed away?
Excuse me?
Has your mother ever threatened to abduct your kids and had the power to do it as a security guard?
Excuse me?
Have you ever had your life threatened everyday of your childhood if you told anyone of what she was doing?
Excuse me?
I know whatit is like to live with someone, with a monster who has a personality disorder and yeah, it was creepy and that is the nicest thing I could think of to say about it. Yeah, this is just the the icing of what I have been through.
So sorry you were offended about what I said, yeah, I lost my temper, because I was triggered by<<<< EXCUSE ME>>>> From someone who has NEVER offered me any support during hard times, but yet choose to pick apart my post and add words to it, and to provock a response on a therapy board, knowing people are in therapy for a reason, should know better to judge me and critisize me, should be able to handle the response to an insensitive comment that was made by them in the first place.
If I had a personality disorder, I would have responded just like I did to being provocked. Yet when it happens to you, I didn't see your compassion for that behavior. And how can you feel threatened by someone who doesn't even know your name or where you live or anything about you. Anyone who knows me knows I would never hurt anyone, but it was interesting to read the judgements of me on the social board, by my acting out. Yeah, I lost my temper because I was triggered by being judged for something I have first hand experience of.
My T has read my posts, and agrees everything was respectful until the EXCUSE ME post, which was meant to provock a negative response. I am sorry I went overboard, my emotions got the best of me because I was triggered by the negative post of judgement against me from someone who has never offered ANY support of any kind to me.
So now maybe you got a taste of what it feels like to around someone who has a personality disorder, maybe you can see that your judgement of me, is off base, because I have walked in those shoes, I know what it is like, and I would never judge someone who says that anti-social personality gives them the creeps. They give me a lot more than the creeps. So yeah, I was triggered by a confrontational comment, and I lost my temper but believeing I am some sort of violent criminal is also going overboard. I have never hurt anyone physically, and people who know me here, knows I am a nice person who offers a lot of people support. I am kind and compassionant, I understand pain and suffering, I have been there. But to judge me on what I said when I was triggered with intense emotion of an insensitive post, on a topic I know a lot about, is wrong. My response maybe was a bit much, but I was emotionally upset by the EXCUSE ME? post.
I said I was sorry for offeneding others about what I have said about personality disorders. My T has agreed with most of what I have said pertaining to them. There is always exceptions, and you can find one study that proves me wrong, but there are 100's of studies that prove that what I have said has a lot of truth in it. But like what was forgotten in my posts, I said medically there are coming with stuff new everyday, and there will be a cure, but right now meds and therapy aren't doing a good enough job. So all I ask is to judge me by everything I have done on this site for over a year, not just the one time I got triggered by some stong feelings of being provocked and critizised. I am not a violent person, just an emotional person with feelings. So if anyone doesn't want to talk to me, that is okay, I understand. I promise to try not to post when I get triggered, I have learned that. But something we all have to remember is none of us are perfect and on a board with people in therapy, we are going to encounter many post and comments that will trigger a lot of us. This is why, after talking to my therapist, I am no longer going to participate here anymore. Some of you are friends, and I will continue to babble mail you or email you and maybe be in chat once in a while. But this is my last most. Thanks all for your recent support and past support. I love you guys.
Sincerely,
HappyflowerHere is my poem about my life I wrote over a year ago.
Scared to Feel the Pain
Turn that obtrusive spotlight off me, I don't want to be seen, I want to hide.
There is no real me, just an illusion of happiness.
My imprisoned emotions are shielded by many impervious layers of self protection.
There are no winners in this internal brual war of mine.
The only death is my own distrustful crying heart bleeding all over my life.
The pain of anguish grows slowly inside of me corroding my organs with nuclear radiation.
These surppressed memories own me and if set free, will obliterate everything around me that I love.
Leaving only an empy shell that is easily crushed.
Should anyone mess with a dormant volcano?
It may erupt like a relentless orgasm that forces itself to be released exploding its hot lava of devastation onto everything.
But can anyone really stop the spew of acid from a fierce stomach virus?
Can't anyone hear the abused child's silent cry for help?
Just leave me in a castle's depirvation chamber to die alone so my virus doesn't cause a plague.
No light, no sound, no emotion, and no love, just like my parents cruel home of torture.
How do I cure my parents lethal illness that has infected me?
Reveling the venomous truth is leaving me paralyzed with terror and anxiety of losing myself.
I feel frozen in time fearing the oppressing emotional toxins that are poisoning me from within.
How do I recover from this childhood disease?
Can anyone really be emancipated and heal from a vile past?
Accepting the truth feels like my own funeral.
I feel so beaten down and weak. I need help because I can't fight this war alone.
Dying seems more humane than living with all my years of childhood pain.
Please help me heal myself so I can be free to really live life for the first time
Posted by ElaineM on July 6, 2006, at 15:45:52
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
Happyflower: I don't think I have anything profound or soothing to say, but you said so much in your post that I just wanted to say something - My panicky, verbal brain-freeze be d*mned. Forgive me if any of this comes out wrong. I often find it hard to transfer my feelings into words.
I can't believe what you have gone through as a child! Some of the stuff you've suffered through made me feel sick to my stomach. It truly did. I can't possibly imagine what all that must've been like for you. And even if I tried, I doubt I'd grasp even a fraction of the terror and hurt, anxiety and confussion.
I'm glad your T has been around to support you so much. I didn't read all of the original thread because I don't have much book-knowledge, or career experience when it comes to MI. So I can't say much about the content. But I do think I'm coming to understand more how both of your reactions came about, and why they make sense. I can see now how both of you could've viewed the comments made in the context of your own individual histories. I had no idea what your background was, but I could feel the incredible amount of pain behind your anger, even before reading about all you've said. And then learning of TofuE's work in the prison system I could understand her reaction more too.
Obviously I don't know you in real life. But from the little I've read you seem like a very nice person. You've seemed dedicated to working through issues (on the board, and with your T), and you regularly post kind, supportive responses to others threads. I know even less of T.E. (I'm not social or articulate or witty enough to post on other boards) but from her response to me before, I've found her to also be supportive and concerned. I mean, I know this is just me but, I've yet to read anything to make me believe either of you are anything but good people : )
Yet, I also recognize that I've only witnessed all of this from a distance. I can't know how it felt to either of you personally at the time, that's why I'd never be qualified to make judgements of blame, or accusations, or anything like that. To be honest too, I can't even comment on language used, and what's civil (I don't know the rules of this site at all really. All I know is to star my swear words. That's about it). I've blabbered on and on here, and I guess what it all comes down to is that I'm sorry BOTH of you ended up so hurt.
I'd hate for either of you to not post anymore. I understand that you'll do what's best for you, but I personally would miss your posts. I've come to recognize most of everyone's screen names as people. I didn't say anything before because I get really really scared of conflict - I can't help but run and hide whenever I see it. But I wanted to give both of you hugs - I remember feeling worried about you both. I know I usually write with so many qualifiers, (it's an annoying trait I can't get rid of), but it's not my intent to seem evasive or anything like that. Maybe I just don't identify well. I don't express anger ever and I don't often recognize it in myself.
If you don't post anymore (which I hope you'll reconsider) I just wanted to thank you for chatting with me that night. I needed something then, or someone, and you were one of the people there who kept me distracted and safe. And if I were going to make a judgement on what kind of a person you were, I'd base mine on that : )
((((((hugs for you, if you want them)))))) and I hope none of this came out wrong.
Elaine
[ Your poem was really intense, especially the allusion between an abused child and a volcano - the potential for distruction, the build up of fire, all under a still and dormant surface. It all just made me sad. Do you find that writing poetry helps you? Either way I think you should keep writing poems. ]
Posted by Dinah on July 6, 2006, at 16:31:08
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
> So sorry you were offended about what I said, yeah, I lost my temper, because I was triggered by<<<< EXCUSE ME>>>> From someone who has NEVER offered me any support during hard times, but yet choose to pick apart my post and add words to it, and to provock a response on a therapy board, knowing people are in therapy for a reason, should know better to judge me and critisize me, should be able to handle the response to an insensitive comment that was made by them in the first place.
I'm sorry, Happyflower. I appreciate you were trying to apologize, and I did have an inkling that your reaction was influenced by your experience with your mother. But I'm going to have to ask you not post anything that could lead others to feel accused or put down. Since you've been asked to be civil before, I'm going to have to block you from posting. I'll let Dr. Bob determine the length of the block.
I hope that if you wish to post about this matter again, that you remember that I and the other deputies are available to help review any potentially difficult posts, so that you can phrase what you wish to say in a way that complies with the civility guidelines.
It is definitely true that most of us find triggers on Babble from time to time. If it's best for you to avoid those triggers, I understand. But if you find a way to continue to post in a way that is helpful to you, I'll always be happy to see you.
If you or others have questions about this or about posting policies in general, or are interested in alternative ways of expressing yourself, please see the FAQ:
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/faq.html#civil
Follow-ups regarding these issues should be redirected to Psycho-Babble Administration. They, as well as replies to the above posts, should of course themselves be civil.
Please everyone, remember that everyone involved is covered by the civility guidelines.
Dr. Bob is always free to override deputy decisions. His email is on the bottom of each page. Please feel free to email him if you believe this decision was made in error.
Dinah, acting as deputy for Dr. Bob
Posted by Dinah on July 6, 2006, at 16:48:42
In reply to Blocked ｻ happyflower, posted by Dinah on July 6, 2006, at 16:31:08
Here's a link
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20060622/msgs/664569.html
Posted by frida on July 6, 2006, at 20:40:39
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
Dearest Happyflower,
I wanted to send support. Your post brought tears to my eyes.
I am so sorry for that little girl you were that went through such pain.
I am here for you..
Frida
Posted by rubenstein on July 6, 2006, at 21:36:45
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
thinking of you
hugs
rachel
Posted by sleepygirl on July 6, 2006, at 21:49:49
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
I wish you wouldn't go...
there was a lot of pain and hurt to back up your reaction
I don't remember feeling offended about what you wrote about personality disorders. I imagine that it felt like someone tried to defend satan when the discussion turned to a particular personality disorder and the stuff got stirred up big time.
Happyflower, I don't think anyone in a trillion years would want to say that what you went through was not reprehensible and committed by someone who was seriously disturbed. The discussion went way beyond the theories though for you (IMO), and you know what? I don't think anything theoretical at that point could suffice to begin to understand your suffering. How can anyone understand that experience?? I can't make peace with it, so I don't know how you possibly could.
That was one heavy trigger switch- you didn't have to convince me though. I know people can do awful things. and no, there is no excuse for it. I hope you know that no one here would likely say that there is?
It was interesting to me how you said in that poem that you feel frozen, and how you seemed to say that dealing with that stuff felt like so much, too much. I can deal with people getting angry, saying stuff they regret, that's what the civility stuff is for- I say some wickedly inappropriate stuff sometimes, oh well, I'm not perfect...far from it.
anyway....just trying to say I'm sorry if you're feeling lousy and take excellent care of yourself.
love,
sg
Posted by Tabitha on July 7, 2006, at 1:38:17
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
Dear happy, I'm so sorry you just got blocked again over this. It took a lot of courage to post that. I'm so sorry for the horrible events that you & your brother went through. You seem to be doing well in your life now and have a lot to be proud of. I thought that of you even before I knew you had such a history. I'm really amazed at your strength.
((((Happy))))
Posted by Tamar on July 7, 2006, at 6:08:39
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
(((((Happyflower)))))
I知 so sorry about all the awful things your parents did to you as a child.
And I知 so sorry that you are still living with the effects of that abuse.
And I知 particularly sorry that you致e been blocked after you gave such a touching explanation of your feelings in response to Emmy痴 post. There痴 a lot that we can learn from your post, and I知 very sorry that it came at the cost of a block.
I値l be thinking of you.
Tamar
Posted by Poet on July 7, 2006, at 11:33:55
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
Hi Happyflower,
What an absolute horrid childhood. I wish you could start over and have been able to choose parents who loved you and your siblings. Since that is not possible, I truly hope therapy can help you emotionally start over. You don't deserve to carry this baggage around.
Many safe cyber hugs ((((Happyflower)))))
I know you're blocked, again, but I hope you do come back when you're able to post. Don't let people stop you from being where you want to be. I don't read posts from certain people. Please avoid those who will trigger the bad stuff, but keep writing and responding to those of us who don't.
Poet
Posted by Dinah on July 7, 2006, at 13:18:40
In reply to Re: An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger ｻ happyflower, posted by Poet on July 7, 2006, at 11:33:55
Posts concerning the block were moved to Admin. Please direct all block discussions there.
Here's a link.
http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/admin/20060622/msgs/664569.html
Dinah, acting as deputy for Dr. Bob
Posted by joslynn on July 11, 2006, at 8:46:50
In reply to An apology, explaination, and *child abuse trigger, posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
I am so sorry about what happened to you as a child. I haven't gone thru that experience, but one thing I wanted to say is that from what I have seen you post, you have broken the cycle, you are doing things differently than your mother. That's something to be proud of.
My guess is, this is probably something you will have to heal from in pieces. It probably won't all happen in one day, or year, or moment.
I just don't understand why our society hasn't found a better way to prevent child abuse. It is scary that people can just take babies home from the hospital and do whatever they please, as long as it's not obvious to outsiders what is going on (and sometimes, even when it IS obvious, it still happens, we have all seen those cases on the news). There must be a better way.
This is the end of the thread.
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