Posted by happyflower on July 6, 2006, at 13:43:04
Dear Fellow Babblers,
I know I have lost my temper last week, and I am sorry for what I have said. I was triggered in a major way, which hasn't happened in over a year. I am not a threat to anyone, and most of you know that, I have never harmed anyone and don't plan on it. The reference to being chopped up has more to do with what you do to tofu than anything else. But now that I have a chance to explain, this is how I really feel.
Have you ever as a child been held down and burned with a lightbulb because you wet the bed? Yeah, I have, I can still see, and smell it.Excuse me?
Have you ever been had to witness your brother being beaten and tortured and know that you were next? Yeah, I have I can still hear my mothers evil laugh.
Excuse me?
Have you even been tricked in eating your pet rabbits, then after was told it was your pets and not chicken, you threw up, and was forced to eat that?
Excuse me?
Was you ever forced to live out in the woods in the summer when school was out to avoid your mothers abuse until your father came home? But getting spanked by your father for not doing your chores was a lot better than risking yourself being at home while your mother was awake.
Excuse me?
Have you even had your sibling threatened with a gun to their face 2 days after Christmas, after my father passed away?
Excuse me?
Has your mother ever threatened to abduct your kids and had the power to do it as a security guard?
Excuse me?
Have you ever had your life threatened everyday of your childhood if you told anyone of what she was doing?
Excuse me?
I know whatit is like to live with someone, with a monster who has a personality disorder and yeah, it was creepy and that is the nicest thing I could think of to say about it. Yeah, this is just the the icing of what I have been through.
So sorry you were offended about what I said, yeah, I lost my temper, because I was triggered by<<<< EXCUSE ME>>>> From someone who has NEVER offered me any support during hard times, but yet choose to pick apart my post and add words to it, and to provock a response on a therapy board, knowing people are in therapy for a reason, should know better to judge me and critisize me, should be able to handle the response to an insensitive comment that was made by them in the first place.
If I had a personality disorder, I would have responded just like I did to being provocked. Yet when it happens to you, I didn't see your compassion for that behavior. And how can you feel threatened by someone who doesn't even know your name or where you live or anything about you. Anyone who knows me knows I would never hurt anyone, but it was interesting to read the judgements of me on the social board, by my acting out. Yeah, I lost my temper because I was triggered by being judged for something I have first hand experience of.
My T has read my posts, and agrees everything was respectful until the EXCUSE ME post, which was meant to provock a negative response. I am sorry I went overboard, my emotions got the best of me because I was triggered by the negative post of judgement against me from someone who has never offered ANY support of any kind to me.
So now maybe you got a taste of what it feels like to around someone who has a personality disorder, maybe you can see that your judgement of me, is off base, because I have walked in those shoes, I know what it is like, and I would never judge someone who says that anti-social personality gives them the creeps. They give me a lot more than the creeps. So yeah, I was triggered by a confrontational comment, and I lost my temper but believeing I am some sort of violent criminal is also going overboard. I have never hurt anyone physically, and people who know me here, knows I am a nice person who offers a lot of people support. I am kind and compassionant, I understand pain and suffering, I have been there. But to judge me on what I said when I was triggered with intense emotion of an insensitive post, on a topic I know a lot about, is wrong. My response maybe was a bit much, but I was emotionally upset by the EXCUSE ME? post.
I said I was sorry for offeneding others about what I have said about personality disorders. My T has agreed with most of what I have said pertaining to them. There is always exceptions, and you can find one study that proves me wrong, but there are 100's of studies that prove that what I have said has a lot of truth in it. But like what was forgotten in my posts, I said medically there are coming with stuff new everyday, and there will be a cure, but right now meds and therapy aren't doing a good enough job. So all I ask is to judge me by everything I have done on this site for over a year, not just the one time I got triggered by some stong feelings of being provocked and critizised. I am not a violent person, just an emotional person with feelings. So if anyone doesn't want to talk to me, that is okay, I understand. I promise to try not to post when I get triggered, I have learned that. But something we all have to remember is none of us are perfect and on a board with people in therapy, we are going to encounter many post and comments that will trigger a lot of us. This is why, after talking to my therapist, I am no longer going to participate here anymore. Some of you are friends, and I will continue to babble mail you or email you and maybe be in chat once in a while. But this is my last most. Thanks all for your recent support and past support. I love you guys.
Sincerely,
HappyflowerHere is my poem about my life I wrote over a year ago.
Scared to Feel the Pain
Turn that obtrusive spotlight off me, I don't want to be seen, I want to hide.
There is no real me, just an illusion of happiness.
My imprisoned emotions are shielded by many impervious layers of self protection.
There are no winners in this internal brual war of mine.
The only death is my own distrustful crying heart bleeding all over my life.
The pain of anguish grows slowly inside of me corroding my organs with nuclear radiation.
These surppressed memories own me and if set free, will obliterate everything around me that I love.
Leaving only an empy shell that is easily crushed.
Should anyone mess with a dormant volcano?
It may erupt like a relentless orgasm that forces itself to be released exploding its hot lava of devastation onto everything.
But can anyone really stop the spew of acid from a fierce stomach virus?
Can't anyone hear the abused child's silent cry for help?
Just leave me in a castle's depirvation chamber to die alone so my virus doesn't cause a plague.
No light, no sound, no emotion, and no love, just like my parents cruel home of torture.
How do I cure my parents lethal illness that has infected me?
Reveling the venomous truth is leaving me paralyzed with terror and anxiety of losing myself.
I feel frozen in time fearing the oppressing emotional toxins that are poisoning me from within.
How do I recover from this childhood disease?
Can anyone really be emancipated and heal from a vile past?
Accepting the truth feels like my own funeral.
I feel so beaten down and weak. I need help because I can't fight this war alone.
Dying seems more humane than living with all my years of childhood pain.
Please help me heal myself so I can be free to really live life for the first time
poster:happyflower
thread:664518
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/664518.html