![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 5 of 5. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on July 4, 2006, at 2:22:35
That's the theme of my life right now, too.
One of my dearest friends says that what makes a good scientist is a high tolerance for uncertainty. I guess that blows any chance I have of becoming a good scientist.
Right now, a lot of it is about the fertility issues. In a way, although I would be devastated, it might even be easier if they just said there was no chance. But there is a chance, albeit quite a slim chance, so there's my nemesis: uncertainty. And it's feeding into a lot of other things, too, and I'm not responding particularly well to it.
My T brought some of it up today, because I admitted to her that I would have felt a tiny bit of relief, had we been told that there was no chance, because at least then I could lose weight. She thinks that's about uncertainty. That it's because everything else in my life feels so out of control, so I turn towards my one effective if maladaptive coping skill. I'm not sure it's quite that easy. I think it has a lot more to do with identity issues, and self worth, and that whole Calvinistic personal restraint thing. I think one of the things we really need to talk about, and haven't yet gotten into very far, is what being "fat" means. Right now, all I know is that when I think of it, I feel such dread and fear.
Of course, that's partly because I am so very much bigger than I was, and uncomfortable with what it means about me, what's visible for everyone to see about me -- that I have no self control, that I am self indulgent and greedy. Whatever else is involved. {sigh} I think life is much easier online, since no one can see how big I am. In real life, people see me and don't see me, if you know what I mean?
Aw, [warm place] -- I don't even know what I mean!
Posted by scentedgarden on July 4, 2006, at 4:22:19
In reply to Uncertainty -- I'm not very good at it..., posted by Racer on July 4, 2006, at 2:22:35
> That's the theme of my life right now, too.
>
> One of my dearest friends says that what makes a good scientist is a high tolerance for uncertainty. I guess that blows any chance I have of becoming a good scientist.
>
> Right now, a lot of it is about the fertility issues. In a way, although I would be devastated, it might even be easier if they just said there was no chance. But there is a chance, albeit quite a slim chance, so there's my nemesis: uncertainty. And it's feeding into a lot of other things, too, and I'm not responding particularly well to it.
>
> My T brought some of it up today, because I admitted to her that I would have felt a tiny bit of relief, had we been told that there was no chance, because at least then I could lose weight. She thinks that's about uncertainty. That it's because everything else in my life feels so out of control, so I turn towards my one effective if maladaptive coping skill. I'm not sure it's quite that easy. I think it has a lot more to do with identity issues, and self worth, and that whole Calvinistic personal restraint thing. I think one of the things we really need to talk about, and haven't yet gotten into very far, is what being "fat" means. Right now, all I know is that when I think of it, I feel such dread and fear.
>
> Of course, that's partly because I am so very much bigger than I was, and uncomfortable with what it means about me, what's visible for everyone to see about me -- that I have no self control, that I am self indulgent and greedy. Whatever else is involved. {sigh} I think life is much easier online, since no one can see how big I am. In real life, people see me and don't see me, if you know what I mean?
>
> Aw, [warm place] -- I don't even know what I mean!Hello there....i have never written to you before...but, i read your post this morning 10 am here in uk. and i just wanted to say to you a couple of things....In my opinion larger women are much more attractive than skinny women to look at....in fact i'd go as far as to say the whole media circus on what we are 'supposed' to look like is a crock of sh*t...one gr8 big gigantic crock of bull sh*t... and if you look back into the history books women were always large and volumptuous...an amazingly sexy and womanly...My god i just cant stand the lies we have been conditioned to believe for so long now that skin and bone is the way to look healthy and sexy! it's just WRONG...of course thats only my subjective 2 cents worth on the subject...
I was also wondering if you will please let me know what Calvinistice personal restraint is if thats possible....i once went to a church where the order of the day was Calvinistic are those the same things ?...just wondering as i never understood about it then...and havent ever seen the word used that much...so if you feel up to it , i'd love to know what personal restraint calvinistic style means to you Racer...
I also truly understand that your ideas of what looks right to you and what doesnt look right to you is not just gonna change because of what i wrote on the first paragraph, but i wanted to write it anyway just to let you know that i love the image of you...both inside and outside. And of course this is only my opinion, but i suspect that most people if they were truly honest would say that a fuller figured woman is miles more sexy and attractive to look at that hip bones sticking out.... i mean seriouly.....I definately know which one i would want to cuddle into for a comforting hug...
I understand that you think people cant see the real you Racer but i am sure i feel like i can see you online and in my minds eye.and to me you are beautiful!!! seriously you are amazing...please be kind on yourself and dont judge your wonderful self too harshly... ive never met you but i think id really like to meet you...of course the atalantic ocean may be a little far to swim hahaha... but i feel like i have met you in reading your post this morning...and i wanted to let you know i think you're just lovely as you are...
sorry if i went way off the subject about uncertainty...but i think i said what i wanted to say to you.and i hope you dont mind my direct approach...on this subjective subject. take care and a big cyber hug,if thats okay? from scentedgarden
Posted by llrrrpp on July 4, 2006, at 5:57:25
In reply to Uncertainty -- I'm not very good at it..., posted by Racer on July 4, 2006, at 2:22:35
Hi Racer,
I know a lot of famous scientists who keep multiple projects going at once. One may be a crazy, risky experiment, if it should happen to work out- it will be quite spectacular, if not, just bury it in the file cabinet and hope you didn't waste too many resources. But they also do work that is merely the next variation in a set of themes that the discipline has been working on for some time. In this case, it's just work. Someone's got to take the next step. Maybe it will work out, maybe it won't. The key is to leave yourself a theoretical back door. If things don't work out, hopefully you won't have invalidated your life's work, and give up in despair. The finest scientists (in my opinion) are those that can take a contradictory finding, and try to understand it as it stands on its own. Rather than bury the finding out of concern that one will get in trouble with colleagues and collaborators, or look silly for wasting vast resources, one uses this novel finding as impetus for a new line of investigation. Ideally this will result in a paradigm shift for the field, but this is rare and special.Maybe you should think of your fertility in the same way. You are doing a risky and potentially very rewarding thing by having fertility treatments. This is made even more riskier in that it places you in a psychologically difficult place of feeling "fat". But at the same time, you may have other ideas about what being a mother means. Other avenues for having a family. Or perhaps you've thought of some advantages to not being a mother? It must be very difficult to spend so much time and energy (and money, I imagine) on this project, but it's not your life's work. It may seem like it's your entire life right now, because it affects how you feel, and you carry physical reminders with you wherever you go. But you have many other things going for you, like grammaticality, kindness, and intelligence :)
I'm not sure what to tell you about body image. Mine is often quite bad. I can tell you though that my mother, who has been obese for the last 20 years has constantly struggled to get her weight down. It's so painful for me to see. I know that she tries hard, but I think she tries so hard, that she allows it to color who she is, as a person. When she fails on a diet, she feels like a failure. This is so hard for me to watch, because I think the diet plan and the advice from her physician, or the latest diet book has actually failed HER. And I love her, and she gives me warm hugs (only for special occasions, though). Her hugs are lovely. I've seen my mom be the victim of cruelty because she's fat. I've seen her punish herself. I've even said hurtful things to her when I was a grumpy teenager. But she's my mom. I think that the last pregnancy really messed up her already cuckoo metabolism. But, seriously, my little brother is a fantastic guy. He's smart, and strong. And he shows his love for mom (better than I do, in my opinion). Knowing my little brother, I guess I would probably make the sacrifice too - a lifetime of fat for a kid like him.
Sounds like you've got some work to do on this stuff. Remember that MOST of the people you see on the street around town don't know you. You feel bad because you're engaging in comparison thinking. You are comparing yourself to how you used to be. What if you were formerly 400 pounds, and you had lost all this weight and now you were at your current size. You'd be proud of yourself, wouldn't you? The people on the street don't keep up with your weight history. We are all used to seeing people of all different sizes, shapes, colors. It's not about your size, it's about how you interpret your size, in the context of your life. I guess you've got some work to do with T about this stuff. Sounds really difficult, but it's worth it to get it under control. When you accept yourself, life is a lot easier to accept.
just a few insomniac musings...
-ll
Posted by fallsfall on July 4, 2006, at 10:06:36
In reply to Uncertainty -- I'm not very good at it..., posted by Racer on July 4, 2006, at 2:22:35
I'm not good at uncertainty either.
I remember wanting to get pregnant so badly. It was an incredibly intense feeling.
I hadn't put two and two together with your body image issues and getting pregnant. That is quite a challenge. Have you gained weight so that your body will be stronger to carry your baby? That is such a loving sacrifice. I stopped smoking when I wanted to get pregnant, but my "sacrifice" pales in comparison to yours.
Can you learn something from knowing us online? That you ARE more than your outer container? That your body is simply there to hold your self so that we can know you?
I understand the need to control. I spend lots of time doing little things that are control-like (unfortunately cleaning is not one of them). I play computer games because they are predictable and I can master them. I play with my Zome toy, because it is orderly, yet I can put it together in seemingly random ways, but because there is order in the world (and the toy) they "work" (www.zometool.com). I have colored geometric patterns (some from coloring books, some I draw my own). These all give me some control, allow me to make order in my world that feels chaotic.
I have met you in person. But I won't tell you that you are physically lovely because I don't think that it is relevant. You are a lovely person - THAT is relevant.
You are choosing uncertainty right now. The reward if things go well will be awesome. The cost of that reward is tolerating the uncertainty. What a therapeutic opportunity! You will never have more important motivation to tolerate uncertainty.
What a brave choice.
Falls.
Posted by rubenstein on July 4, 2006, at 11:27:50
In reply to Uncertainty -- I'm not very good at it..., posted by Racer on July 4, 2006, at 2:22:35
> Racer, that seems to be the theme of my life right now too. My T also talks about uncertainty in terms of weight as well. I hate it, after the death of my friends the uncertainty only increased. It is a horrible feeling, one I wish I could learn to live with.
take care
rachelThat's the theme of my life right now, too.
>
> One of my dearest friends says that what makes a good scientist is a high tolerance for uncertainty. I guess that blows any chance I have of becoming a good scientist.
>
> Right now, a lot of it is about the fertility issues. In a way, although I would be devastated, it might even be easier if they just said there was no chance. But there is a chance, albeit quite a slim chance, so there's my nemesis: uncertainty. And it's feeding into a lot of other things, too, and I'm not responding particularly well to it.
>
> My T brought some of it up today, because I admitted to her that I would have felt a tiny bit of relief, had we been told that there was no chance, because at least then I could lose weight. She thinks that's about uncertainty. That it's because everything else in my life feels so out of control, so I turn towards my one effective if maladaptive coping skill. I'm not sure it's quite that easy. I think it has a lot more to do with identity issues, and self worth, and that whole Calvinistic personal restraint thing. I think one of the things we really need to talk about, and haven't yet gotten into very far, is what being "fat" means. Right now, all I know is that when I think of it, I feel such dread and fear.
>
> Of course, that's partly because I am so very much bigger than I was, and uncomfortable with what it means about me, what's visible for everyone to see about me -- that I have no self control, that I am self indulgent and greedy. Whatever else is involved. {sigh} I think life is much easier online, since no one can see how big I am. In real life, people see me and don't see me, if you know what I mean?
>
> Aw, [warm place] -- I don't even know what I mean!
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.