Posted by Racer on July 4, 2006, at 2:22:35
That's the theme of my life right now, too.
One of my dearest friends says that what makes a good scientist is a high tolerance for uncertainty. I guess that blows any chance I have of becoming a good scientist.
Right now, a lot of it is about the fertility issues. In a way, although I would be devastated, it might even be easier if they just said there was no chance. But there is a chance, albeit quite a slim chance, so there's my nemesis: uncertainty. And it's feeding into a lot of other things, too, and I'm not responding particularly well to it.
My T brought some of it up today, because I admitted to her that I would have felt a tiny bit of relief, had we been told that there was no chance, because at least then I could lose weight. She thinks that's about uncertainty. That it's because everything else in my life feels so out of control, so I turn towards my one effective if maladaptive coping skill. I'm not sure it's quite that easy. I think it has a lot more to do with identity issues, and self worth, and that whole Calvinistic personal restraint thing. I think one of the things we really need to talk about, and haven't yet gotten into very far, is what being "fat" means. Right now, all I know is that when I think of it, I feel such dread and fear.
Of course, that's partly because I am so very much bigger than I was, and uncomfortable with what it means about me, what's visible for everyone to see about me -- that I have no self control, that I am self indulgent and greedy. Whatever else is involved. {sigh} I think life is much easier online, since no one can see how big I am. In real life, people see me and don't see me, if you know what I mean?
Aw, [warm place] -- I don't even know what I mean!
poster:Racer
thread:663903
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20060703/msgs/663903.html