![[dr. bob]](/dr-bob-sm.gif)
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 16 of 16. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Karolina on June 1, 2006, at 1:54:09
I know you guys get sick and tired of reading my posts about my T and the sexual attraction thing so I feel bad to write about it again.
But I feel like my fantasizing has gotten out of control about him. It’s gotten to the point where I get disappointed by the end of the session because nothing has happened like I imagine. Or it’s like I will try to arouse him on purpose by talking about sex but if he seems to remain calm then I feel rejected. It’s messed up. It feels like an affair to me almost, not therapy...maybe an 'emotional affair'... and he’s so casual about things, his personal life and all that.
But maybe rationally, it kind of makes sense why I ‘want’ him because I can see myself projecting so many of my feelings onto right now. I’ve felt so alone during this break up/fight with my boyfriend, but my T is there to help comfort me and listen to me. and I was only used to getting sexual attention in the past because I had low self-confidence and thought if I dressed provocatively it would make guys like me. So now it’s like I almost expect my T to act the same way as the other older guys have. Or I can see men my T’s age hitting on girls my age, so it feels weird to be in the therapeutic setting with him sometimes.
But he is so kind to me it makes me want to cry. He has helped me so much and that makes me almost have some sort of strange love for him. And I wonder if maybe underneath all the sexual desires that I am just seeking love and attention. I guess my point is, I am feeling downright confused about my relationship with him. I want to talk more about my attraction to him but I don’t want him to be annoyed by me somehow or feel awkward…he has a son my age.. But I think if I talked about the attraction, it would maybe tame my imagination some when it comes to the fantasizing. All of this tension and anxiety feels so built up inside of me. I really don’t know what to do though.
I just walked out feeling like the dumbest slut ever. I wish I could find a way to talk to him about the attraction but somehow let it connect with how I feel about my other relationships, like my boyfriend. or to use the attraction to him to explain my reactions or feelings about other people. I don't know how to explain what I mean really, sorry..
Another thing is that I feel SO jealous to think that he sees others just like he sees me. As I walked out some girl was waiting to go in to see him and it just made me feel sick. She was a lot older than me but I hate thinking about the fact that he sees other people, *girls* just like me and I wonder if he says the same types of things to them as he does to me. It makes me feel sick because I look at how much energy I put into thinking about our relationship, but then he has other relationships just like ours and i know the reality is, he doesn’t think about our relationship or maybe how special it seems, in the same way that I do.
I don’t mean to go on and on about this. I wish I could write him an email and tell him all this but I don’t want to overwhelm him with all my crap. it would be better to bring up in person but I don’t know if I’m able to do it. I am feeling so down right now…
-Karolina-
Posted by fallsfall on June 1, 2006, at 7:49:52
In reply to feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 1, 2006, at 1:54:09
You are not unique in these feelings. They are very confusing and can be really painful.
You expressed it well in your post. Can you bring your post in and read it to him?
You won't overwhelm him. These things need to be discussed. Good luck! He sounds really kind.
Posted by milly on June 1, 2006, at 9:01:55
In reply to feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 1, 2006, at 1:54:09
Karolina,
This isn't pathetic, you are not pathetic and no-one is fed up with you 'going on' Well I'm not anyway!!
You sound like me about 6 months ago, i really felt as if I was having an affair and if being completly emotionally attatched to my T was being unfaithful to hubby then I probably was (however I don't believe that it was just how it felt at the time)
I know exactly the jealousy of his other patients and spent a whole session sobbing because i saw in the signing in book that he had seen someone else in the morning, I didn't even know if that person was male or female all I knew was that they had a realtionship with MY T and I didn't like it.
I think your post was very articulate and maybe you could take it in to show him.
It is really really confusing and painful and difficult and sometimes you wonder if all of that pain and confusion is worth carrying on with, but you have to remember what he has helped you with.
I gave up feeling guilty about my feelings for my T and tried to 'enjoy' them as it was outside of my power to do anything about them, I was very honest and open about them with him especially as my therapy drew to a close as I knew I couldn't live with them as a secret and the only one I could share them with was my T.
I don't know if you will want to hear this but it still hurts, I'm still confused and find myself obsessing about the realtionship and i haven't seen him for 2 months
I make love to hubby and just pray i don't say my T's name! I still buy clothers with the thought of 'will T like this?' which is mad.
You are not alone, keep babbling
milly
Posted by B2chica on June 1, 2006, at 9:50:44
In reply to feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 1, 2006, at 1:54:09
((((((karolina)))))))
you are very Much NOT pathetic.
you are also very not alone. what you are feeling is common (which you probably hate to hear) but true. and if you T is worth a grain of salt he will be trained for this and will be just fine. i think you definately need to talk with him about your feelings mostly because they do seem to be interfering with your life. and your relationship with your T.
i'm sure that he will not be offended or upset or worried. what's great is a T is supposed to be a totally non-judgemental person with whom you can totally confide in. so you can tell him how you feel about him and he won't judge you, but will allow your relationship to grow by being allowed to talk through your feelings.
i think it is very important.
and like the others mentioned, you did a very nice job of stating what you are feeling in your post. i think you should print it off and use it as a guide if you choose to talk with him about this.please know you are a wonderful person and not at all pathetic or anything else negative you are thinking about yourself right now.
please take care
b2c
Posted by Karolina on June 2, 2006, at 11:53:43
In reply to feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 1, 2006, at 1:54:09
Thanks fallsfall, milly and b2chica.
All of your responses made me feel a lot better, it made me feel a lot less stupid about the situation. I agree and think it would be important to bring up my feelings with him, because all this time I've seemed to hold back from explaining how I feel. I think I was hoping that if I ignored the feelings they would go away, but they definitely haven't, and keeping them all to myself hasn't seemed to help either.
My main worry is that I don't think he has been trained in how to handle attractions, or if he has, that he doesnt have to use his training much in his practice. He mainly sees adolescents and young adults. (I'm 20) Maybe it has come up before with other girls (although I hope not...but that's just me being jealous again about his other relationships with patients) so I'm kind of worried that he'll feel really awkward. And I don't know what I would do if he felt too awkward and tried to refer me to somebody else.
I just don't want him to get freaked out; with me being a 20 year old girl who fantasizes about him sexually (it might sound weird but this man is actually VERY good-looking for his age...he is really hot!), when he has a 20 year old son himself. Some of these feelings have come up before and that's when he had said he was very flattered by my attraction to him and it made him feel great to know that a girl my age liked him and had complimented my physical appearance. but I worry that for some reason now things are different, that now he'd roll his eyes and be annoyed by this. I think the only reason why I want to try and talk about it again is because the feelings are more intense. And I actually do think maybe they have to do with feelings I have about other people right now (like feeling alone without my boyfriend) so I wish we could find some therapeutic value to the attraction. Thanks again for you all's help.
-Karolina-
Posted by fairywings on June 5, 2006, at 0:46:18
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 2, 2006, at 11:53:43
Hi Karolina, I agree with the others, it's okay to have the feelings, and should be okay to express them. Maybe you could ask him to tell you about transference, and what it means, if it's good or bad, if it's normal, how is it handled......You'd get some idea about how he feels and how he'd deal with it, and maybe that would give him enough time to pull it together to help you with your feelings.
fw
Posted by Karolina on June 6, 2006, at 22:55:46
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic... » Karolina, posted by fairywings on June 5, 2006, at 0:46:18
Thanks fairywings.
I hope he will be excepting of my feelings and won't reject me. I'm scared because I told him I had an issue that was hard to bring up with him so he suggested I write about it and bring it to the next appointment. I'm afraid it's going to be VERY awkward for me to be sitting there while he reads about that. I'm feeling really anxious about the next appointment right now.
-Karolina-
Posted by fairywings on June 6, 2006, at 23:23:33
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 6, 2006, at 22:55:46
>
> he suggested I write about it and bring it to the next appointment. I'm afraid it's going to be VERY awkward for me to be sitting there while he reads about that. I'm feeling really anxious about the next appointment right now.
>
> -
Hi Karolina,Yeah it can be awkward when they read it and you're just sitting there. Maybe take something to do while he's reading it, or balance your checkbook. What can be even more awkward is when they read it out loud! LOL Mine's done that, and it's like....ooooooo, don't DO that! LOL
It will be good to get it out in the open, but I know what you mean - it's going to be a difficult appt. for you, and the anxiety beforehand is so hard to deal with. I hope he deals really well with it - I'm sure from what you've said about him, he will.
Hope it goes well. When's the next appt?
fw
Posted by Karolina on June 7, 2006, at 1:54:57
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic... » Karolina, posted by fairywings on June 6, 2006, at 23:23:33
> Hi Karolina,
>
> Yeah it can be awkward when they read it and you're just sitting there. Maybe take something to do while he's reading it, or balance your checkbook. What can be even more awkward is when they read it out loud! LOL Mine's done that, and it's like....ooooooo, don't DO that! LOL
>
> It will be good to get it out in the open, but I know what you mean - it's going to be a difficult appt. for you, and the anxiety beforehand is so hard to deal with. I hope he deals really well with it - I'm sure from what you've said about him, he will.
>
> Hope it goes well. When's the next appt?
> fw
>
>thanks, fw.
your T has made you read things out loud?!?! LOL I can actually see my T being the type to make me do the same thing. I agree that the anxiety before the appointment will be hard to deal with and that maybe once he reads it and we talk about it, that it will at least feel better to finally get some of those intense feelings off my chest. I am just extremely worried he will get frustrated with me, say he doesn't know how to help me through these feelings, and suggest I go see a woman T. I don't know what I'd do if that were to happen. Next appointment is next Thursday...I'll keep you guys posted.
-Karolina-
Posted by fairywings on June 7, 2006, at 2:30:54
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 7, 2006, at 1:54:57
Hi Karolina,
No, my T's never made ME read them out loud - HE'S read them out loud...and I've cringed while he read them....LOL If your T encourages you to write, it's a quicker way to cut to the chase. Good luck putting it all down in writing.
Keep us posted. ; )
fw
Posted by Dinah on June 7, 2006, at 7:00:45
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 7, 2006, at 1:54:57
Mine used to have me read them out loud. But as I got better at saying what I was thinking, he dropped that requirement. Oddly, I still usually read things out loud anyway. It's a different, more emotional experience than writing them, and I usually am glad I did.
Posted by Karolina on June 7, 2006, at 15:34:31
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic... » Karolina, posted by Dinah on June 7, 2006, at 7:00:45
LOL I think having my T read out loud what I wrote, *or* him having me read out loud what I wrote, would be bad!
Actually...I'm now thinking I'm not going to be able to do it. Maybe I just shouldn't...I don't want to take this kind of risk...it especially makes me feel stupid when I know he sees other female clients. Because I'm so emotional about *our* relationship, but he has all these other relationships with them too.
I can't do this..
Posted by fairywings on June 7, 2006, at 16:02:20
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 7, 2006, at 15:34:31
>>Maybe I just shouldn't...I don't want to take this kind of risk...it especially makes me feel stupid when I know he sees other female clients. Because I'm so emotional about *our* relationship, but he has all these other relationships with them too.
>
> I can't do this..Maybe try to write it out, take it with you, and if you can't give it to him during the appt, leave it with him. Your relationship is the only thing that matter...doesn't matter how anyone else feels, what they say to him, or their relationship with him.
I've told my T really vulnerable things, I felt really stupid, but felt so much better after telling him. He's never reacted badly to me. Do you think on some level he already knows? Maybe he can help you with it if you're struggling.
hugs,
fw
Posted by Jost on June 7, 2006, at 16:39:02
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic... » Karolina, posted by fairywings on June 7, 2006, at 16:02:20
Honest to God, if my T started reading something I'd written out loud, I'd make him stop. Right now.
And if he didn't, I'd get really mad.
And if he kept on doing it, I'd put my fingers into my ears and start saying lalalalala really loud. Seriously. I would.
No way am I listening to someone reading something I wrote aloud.
I personally would leave it with him when I left-- or let him read it to himself while I was there.
Jost
Posted by Jost on June 8, 2006, at 3:03:38
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic..., posted by Karolina on June 2, 2006, at 11:53:43
>
> My main worry is that I don't think he has been trained in how to handle attractions, or if he has, that he doesnt have to use his training much in his practice. He mainly sees adolescents and young adults. (I'm 20) Maybe it has come up before with other girls (although I hope not...but that's just me being jealous again about his other relationships with patients) so I'm kind of worried that he'll feel really awkward. And I don't know what I would do if he felt too awkward and tried to refer me to somebody else.
>
> I just don't want him to get freaked out; with me being a 20 year old girl who fantasizes about him sexually (it might sound weird but this man is actually VERY good-looking for his age...he is really hot!), when he has a 20 year old son himself. Some of these feelings have come up before and that's when he had said he was very flattered by my attraction to him and it made him feel great to know that a girl my age liked him and had complimented my physical appearance. but I worry that for some reason now things are different, that now he'd roll his eyes and be annoyed by this. I think the only reason why I want to try and talk about it again is because the feelings are more intense. And I actually do think maybe they have to do with feelings I have about other people right now (like feeling alone without my boyfriend) so I wish we could find some therapeutic value to the attraction. Thanks again for you all's help.
>
> -Karolina-Hi, Karolina. If your therapist has a PhD in psych, he's certainly must have had training, both theoretical, and clinical, in how he can conceptualize and handle intense situations, of which what you're experiencing is one. Whether he's able to put that training into use in an actual clinical situation--or if he doens't have a PhD--is a harder problem.
If you sense that he isn't trained in this area, or is reacting in an overly personal and interested way, it could be a warning sign.
I don't want to go off on a tangent-- but if he touches or hugs you in a sexual in way (or way that doesn't seem sufficiently clearly not sexual) that could, given your feelings, put you in the way of harm.. Beyond training, these situations call for a T with deep inner security, and solid, stable boundaries, not threatened or overly stimulated, (I think) to create a safe environment.
If the touching were more fatherly, or motherly, or that of a kind sentimental friendship,I'd see it as different. Your desire for contact, and fear about not being hugged, esp. when you're leaving, would be important to explore. And I hope would be safe to have.
Is there some reason you doubt his level of training? or his level of sexual interest or response to your sexual interest?
Jost
Posted by Karolina on June 8, 2006, at 23:19:09
In reply to Re: feeling so pathetic... Karolina, posted by Jost on June 8, 2006, at 3:03:38
Thanks Jost for your input on this situation. He does have a PhD so I really do hope he was trained on how to handle situations like this. I guess I do have some doubts about it though, since I'm afraid he's not faced very often with situations like mine because he sees so many younger people than me.
As far as his level of sexual interest in me, I doubt he is attracted to me like that. I really have no idea. I don't know if I am taking the things he's said to me as flirting or if he is just trying to be sincere in a caring type of way. But it was weird for him to say it felt great knowing that I *liked* him! I guess it just didn't seem very therapeutic the way he phrased it...I feel so confused right now.
This is the end of the thread.
Psycho-Babble Psychology | Extras | FAQ
Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.org
Script revised: February 4, 2008
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/cgi-bin/pb/mget.pl
Copyright 2006-17 Robert Hsiung.
Owned and operated by Dr. Bob LLC and not the University of Chicago.