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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 8 of 8. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 10:13:08
I believe I have really learned what is missing in my marriage through therapy.
In therapy, I am the focus, in my marrige I am never the focus, I come last.
In therapy, I like who I am , in my marriage I do not.
In therapy I receive motivation, in my marriage I do not.
In therapy at least someone smiles at me, in my marriage there are no smiles anymore.
In therapy I am my true self, in my marriage I lost myself somewhere.
In therapy I am accepted no matter how weird I may be, in my marriage I get dirty looks.
I know therapy isn't like a marriage, but I sure do miss what I get from therapy from my DH.
Is there anyone out there in a happy marriage? Does it exhist or is it just a fantasy? Why doesn't love last anymore? Are all husband jerks eventually? I wonder if my T is a jerk in his marriage, but nice to everyone else like my DH.
Posted by jammerlich on January 13, 2006, at 14:05:41
In reply to Something I have learned from therapy, posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 10:13:08
I'm certainly not happy in my marriage. And yes, my husband has become a jerk. But so have I, really. Neither of us is a real picnic to live with at this point.
I think we're so sick of each other that neither of us feels terribly motivated to be particularly kind to the other. Who was a jerk first? I don't think it even matters anymore. It's a vicious cycle. I think either one of us decides to suck it up and be kind and compassionate (so the other feels like being kind and compassionate in return) or we're done.
Right now I'm trying to decide whether I'm big enough to be that person.
Sigh.
Posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 15:39:15
In reply to Something I have learned from therapy, posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 10:13:08
I think you learned so many valuable things about yourself in therapy. That was a beautiful post, although sad when compared to your marriage.
A marriage could never be as wonderful as therapy, because therapy is all about "us" as clients. But I understand the larger picture, and that is a great thing to know.Could you ever share some of those thoughts with your husband ... as in ...
"Why don't you smile when you see me anymore?"
"Do I ever come first?"
Marriage is hard work. I don't think any marriage is perfect, although I suppose most are better than mine. My husband tries, and wants me to be happy, but is very poor at communicating.
Thanks for posting that. It was helpful to me.
Posted by fairywings on January 13, 2006, at 19:54:14
In reply to Something I have learned from therapy, posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 10:13:08
> I believe I have really learned what is missing in my marriage through therapy.
Hi (((hf)))
***I'm sorry your marriage is so sucky right now hf, but I"m glad you're coming to realize what's missing, and you're beginning to live your own life, in order to be happy. If your husband doesn't want to grow and be happy, it's good you can move on and not become angry and bitter.
**I think I'm beginning to realize what's wrong with my life through therapy hf. I know I have a lot of changing to do.
>
> In therapy, I am the focus, in my marrige I am never the focus, I come last.**I have begun to realize through therapy, not by anything my T has said, but just the food for thought he gives me, that in my marriage (as in life) I often make myself the focus. It's been more in anger and frustration because things are not as I want - not enough communication, not enough true intimacy. My dh is happy to just have the status quo, mostly playing on the computer, but he's willing to try to change to make me happier in our marriage. It's both of our faults, but I feel like I get blue in the face trying to talk about making things better, trying to do things to create intimacy, going to therapy trying to change, but so far it hasn't changed anything. Now I'm tired of it, and I think I have enough fight in me to really insist it get better.
>
> In therapy, I like who I am , in my marriage I do not.**Hopefully one day I'll get where you are, and like myself. I'm so happy for you that you like yourself, that's key to living a happy, fulfilled life.
Through therapy I've realized I don't like myself anywhere, that's my problem, and I'm the only one who can fix it. I feel sorry for my family for having to put up with me, and I"m mad at myself for taking all these years to realize what a complete and utter failure I am. No pity party, it's just that what I've always wanted I haven't been willing to work for, so it's my own fault if I don't go after it and achieve it.
>
> In therapy I receive motivation, in my marriage I do not.**So far I"m not really "motivated" in therapy, at least not in a gung-ho sense, but through his gentle questioning and challenging the way I think about things, I've begun to understand I have to do this, not try to sluff it off on someone else. I will always be unhappy unless I face my fears and move forward. I have never been challenged in my marriage. My husband has always been VERY good to me, but maybe it has not been what I needed. Maybe I needed a kick in the butt!
>
> In therapy at least someone smiles at me, in my marriage there are no smiles anymore.**I'm so sorry hf. This would be incredibly painful. My husband does smile at me, he is very kind. My therapist is too. I need to appreciate both more, and tell them both more often how much I appreciate them.
>
> In therapy I am my true self, in my marriage I lost myself somewhere.**I am glad you can be yourself, that you really know who you are and what you want. I don't know who I am, and I think in therapy I will find out.....like it or not! Hopefully one day I'll even like myself! ; )
>
> In therapy I am accepted no matter how weird I may be, in my marriage I get dirty looks.**It sounds to me like your husband is very unhappy with himself hf, and your new, happy self feels very threatening to him. I wish, for you, that he would go to therapy too, so the two of you could be happy together.
>
> I know therapy isn't like a marriage, but I sure do miss what I get from therapy from my DH.**I can identify with this, I know how you long to be with someone who will connect with you and truly want you for who you are. A soulmate. I know now that I want a soul mate, who will communicate with me, connect with me, and work toward intimacy with me. My husband has said that he would try. We've been here before, so I'm hoping this time it will work out. He's a good man, so I shouldn't doubt him.
>
> Is there anyone out there in a happy marriage?**I truly thought ours was hf. And there many times, when we're together, that we are very, very happy. Now I see that our marriage can be a happy marriage; we have a lot going for us. Unfortunately I see that any unhappiness I feel is mostly because I don't like who I am. My husband is a very confident, humble, caring, person. So it's up to me to change. I've been domineering, controlling, angry...you know a lot of bad stuff. It's amazing he's happy and that he hasn't left me.
>>Does it exhist or is it just a fantasy?
**I'm sure it does hf. Maybe though, not everyone was meant to have just one marriage, just one partner. Maybe sometimes we marry the wrong person, have different expectations, change and leave the other person behind because they're not willing to grow, stuff like that.
>>Why doesn't love last anymore?
**I think some of it is our cultural expectations of romantic love, which is really a western ideal, and pretty rare in other cultures. And I think a lot of it is selfishness - people who aren't concerned with the happiness, and what's best for their partner. I have been selfish, but I have also been a doormat. My husband has been the better of the two of us, but he also wasn't too concerned with having a deep, meaningful relationship, not bec. he doesn't want that, but neither of us are good communicators. Now maybe we can try harder.
>>Are all husband jerks eventually?
**I don't think so. Sometimes it's just one partner is immature, in my marriage it's me, but then again I can't take all the blame. Together we've not known how to build the intimacy we need.
>>I wonder if my T is a jerk in his marriage, but nice to everyone else like my DH.
**Maybe. Ask him! ; ) I'd love to hear what he has to say! ; )
fw
Posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 20:45:46
In reply to Re: Something I have learned from therapy » happyflower, posted by jammerlich on January 13, 2006, at 14:05:41
I sure can relate to what you are saying about marriage. I wish I could my DH would just realize what he is giving up. It is sad.
Posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 20:47:13
In reply to Re: Something I have learned from therapy » happyflower, posted by annierose on January 13, 2006, at 15:39:15
I have tried to communitcate with my DH, but he just walks away or he just clams up on me. He didn't used to be this way. It isn't a nice place in my house lately.
Posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 20:48:07
In reply to Re: Something I have learned from therapy » happyflower, posted by fairywings on January 13, 2006, at 19:54:14
Posted by happyflower on January 13, 2006, at 20:52:22
In reply to Re: Something I have learned from therapy » happyflower, posted by fairywings on January 13, 2006, at 19:54:14
Thanks FW, for all that you said, you are so right about it all. I am glad you posted, you always know the right thing to say to me! :) Thanks!
oh, by the way I already asked my T if he has even been an *sshole, and he said yes, but I don't think I could ask him about how he is in his marraige, besides wouldhe admit it even it he was one? LOL
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