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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 25 of 25. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Dinah on December 15, 2005, at 20:37:39
The good news is that my therapist is planning on moving back here. Or his wife is, which pretty much means the same thing. :)
The bad news is that by the time he moves back I might have to be gone.
The good news is that the President committed to a better levee system today. In specifics. Hooray!!! Now we just need coastal restoration.
The bad news is that things are still so different and disconnected with my therapist that I talked to him today about quitting. In fact I pretty much did quit, because I've been leaving feeling worse than I come because he's just not emotionally present and I get frantic at that. At which time he engaged in the conversation and things were ok, which was good news. But I can't threaten to quit every week, so that's bad news. But he has proposed a way to try and connect at the beginning of each session, which would be good news if it works.
My husband's grandmother died, that would be bad news. It's the anniversary of Daddy's death. I was looking forward to processing those things with my therapist, but my therapist really wasn't much help with all that, so it felt a bit flat to travel all those hours to see him.
I've decided to cut back on the Risperdal as much as possible, because I don't like what it's doing to me. That's good news. But I have decided to take up drinking instead. Not much. Just a little. But since my father and his entire family have been alchoholics way back in the family tree, I can't see that that's anything but bad news.
I'm going to call and cancel with the sex therapist. Tell her that if things ever get back to normal with the rest of my life, I'll call her again. But I just don't have the emotional capital right now to invest in it. Despite what she said, she still is convinced that this is pretty much as good as it gets unless I grow myself up, and I'm not going to agree to that. I think this is good news. The quitting I mean. I tried, but it didn't sustantially change anything. She's got one idea of what will help, and since I reject that idea, there's not much point in going forward. I'm grateful for the tips she did give me, that I think did help.
I'm embarassed to turn in my time sheet this pay period, which is very very bad news.
Our first choice for our son's guardians agreed, which is good news. Though I told my husband that he's still not allowed to die.
Posted by daisym on December 15, 2005, at 23:58:41
In reply to Good news and bad news, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2005, at 20:37:39
wow - Dinah, that was quite a post.
I'm sorry life continues with so much upheaval. I can't believe it has been a year since your dad passed. I'll light a candle for him and for your husband's grandmother. I'm sure they look down and wish they could offer a helping hand. If nothing else, they lend their strength in spirit.
When will you know for sure about moving? Waiting for yet another change seems unfair. I'm glad your therapist is moving back though, that seems like a really good thing.
Hang in there. Your resilency amazes me.
Posted by sleepygirl on December 16, 2005, at 0:11:52
In reply to Good news and bad news, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2005, at 20:37:39
> The bad news is that by the time he moves back I might have to be gone.
When will you know if you're going?
> The good news is that the President committed to a better levee system today. In specifics. Hooray!!! Now we just need coastal restoration.
halleluia
> I've decided to cut back on the Risperdal as much as possible, because I don't like what it's doing to me. That's good news. But I have decided to take up drinking instead. Not much. Just a little. But since my father and his entire family have been alchoholics way back in the family tree, I can't see that that's anything but bad news.
I don't know why that strikes me as strange, but that phrase "take up drinking" makes me picture you in some dark bar somewhere, alone, with a shot glass, but that can't be what you mean right? Are you feeling discouraged/disappointed/fed up? I sometimes declare I will "take up drinking" when I feel that way - I'll just invest in a nice flask, and damn it all!!
Gee Dinah, that really was some post...I'm sorry about your recent loss, and the anniversary of your dad's death
I hope the new idea works with connecting more with your T. I hate not feeling connected. Take good care
Posted by LadyBug on December 16, 2005, at 0:53:21
In reply to Good news and bad news, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2005, at 20:37:39
Please don't "take up drinking" Dinah. I'm married to an A and it's hell even when he's in recovery. That's all I'll say about it as I'm sure you know plenty already.
I'm so sorry you are going through so much. I know it must be so painful to go through the anniversary of your daddy's passing. And at this time of year it seems even more sad. The holidays are hard for me anyway and I'm sure you can relate to having something so heart breaking happen during the holidays and then having to have the anniversary come around makes it hard every year after. I too have some very painful memories of this time of year.
I hope you can do what's right for you and your therapy. I'd hate to see you "quit" but I understand how hard it must be for you to try and connect to your T. when he's not quite there for you like you need him to be. I'm so sorry for your pain. Please don't drink, I'm sorry to say that as I know you can make your own choices and you will, but I don't think it will help you in the long run. I also understand the pain being so great you just want some relief. I've been there too many times to count. But I've seen what drinking and drugging to do a family and it's a nightmare rollercoaster ride from hell. I care about you and hope you can get through this.
Try to focus on "the good news." At least you have some!!!Hugs comin at ya!
LadyBug
Posted by annierose on December 16, 2005, at 7:17:00
In reply to Good news and bad news, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2005, at 20:37:39
((((((Dinah))))))))))
I wish I knew how to offer you more support during this time.
Thinking of you and wishing there really was such a thing as a magic wand. It's your turn for some magic!
Annie
Posted by B2chica on December 16, 2005, at 10:25:29
In reply to Good news and bad news, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2005, at 20:37:39
Dinah, i'm so sorry you have such an incredible amount of rollercoaster things going on in your life right now.
i don't know quite what to say except i'm sorry and HOORAY! (respectively)please know you have my support. you are someone that i look at for strength. from all you've been through, you reacted incredibly.
take care
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on December 16, 2005, at 12:31:33
In reply to Good news and bad news, posted by Dinah on December 15, 2005, at 20:37:39
(((Dinah)))
I'm so sorry for everything you're going through. this has been a horrible year for you. hopefully things will turn around soon. please be careful with the drinking, i know you said just a little, but like ladybug's experience, my dad was an alcoholic, and life was difficult - for him and for us. i know the temptation, sometimes i go there too, but i guess it would be easy to get caught up in it, esp. with all you've been through.
i'm really sorry that it took a threat to get your T to sit up and listen. after putting yourself out so much, you'd hope he'd make a heroic effort to connect with you. i'm sure that feels really cr*ppy, esp. with the huge issues you're strugglng with right now. i hope what he's proposed, so you can get the connection at the beginning of the session, works. I hope that you don't have to move, and when he returns you're still there and can pick up where you left off.
fairywings
Posted by Dinah on December 16, 2005, at 13:57:57
In reply to Re: Good news and bad news » Dinah, posted by fairywings on December 16, 2005, at 12:31:33
I don't like the way I feel on Risperdal, all rational and not very empathetic. And anorgasmic and with cognitive difficulty.
But I don't think I can stop it. A couple of days off of it and I was a bawling wreck this morning. Apparently it's a strong antidepressant for me. Go figure.
I don't want to give up on my therapist. I want to have a commitment to him even when he's not at his best. But it's somehow much worse to be alone with him than it is to be alone by myself. I just don't know if I can stand it.
I told him I didn't need him to be at his best. I didn't need him to say brilliant things. I didn't need him to be in a good mood. I just needed his *presence*. To have him be really there, not just going through the motions. I could take a flawed or hurting therapist/mom, but not an absent one. I asked if that was a bad thing, or the wrong thing to want from therapy. He said it wasn't. That there were theories that said that's how therapy worked. I don't remember reading any, but I'll take his word for it.
Hopefully his plan will work. It sounds not dissimilar to what I do *before* therapy. And it might even have nice symbolic overtones. Sort of consecrating the space. He wants to take a few moments of silence at the beginning of the session to consider what in each of us might stand in the way of genuine connection.
Posted by Tamar on December 16, 2005, at 18:30:16
In reply to Thanks everyone, posted by Dinah on December 16, 2005, at 13:57:57
> I don't like the way I feel on Risperdal, all rational and not very empathetic. And anorgasmic and with cognitive difficulty.
You knew I’d pick up on this, right?
You’re doing sex therapy and taking medication that makes you anorgasmic?
You’re trying to live a very difficult life and get through it without basic sexual relief?
You’re waking up every morning knowing today’s not gonna be the day?
Good grief, Dinah, how can you get through it? At least with wine you can still get there (not too much, mind you…)
Ditch the damn Risperdal and get yourself a decent bottle of Chardonnay or Cabernet Sauvignon. And light a few candles.> But I don't think I can stop it. A couple of days off of it and I was a bawling wreck this morning. Apparently it's a strong antidepressant for me. Go figure.
There are other antidepressants. Women need orgasms.
> I don't want to give up on my therapist. I want to have a commitment to him even when he's not at his best. But it's somehow much worse to be alone with him than it is to be alone by myself. I just don't know if I can stand it.
Yeah, I know. It takes time. This Katrina thing is still in its raw phase.
> I told him I didn't need him to be at his best. I didn't need him to say brilliant things. I didn't need him to be in a good mood. I just needed his *presence*. To have him be really there, not just going through the motions. I could take a flawed or hurting therapist/mom, but not an absent one. I asked if that was a bad thing, or the wrong thing to want from therapy. He said it wasn't. That there were theories that said that's how therapy worked. I don't remember reading any, but I'll take his word for it.Yeah, apparently it’s all in the relationship. And no matter how bad the relationship can be at times, it’s still better than no relationship.
> Hopefully his plan will work. It sounds not dissimilar to what I do *before* therapy. And it might even have nice symbolic overtones. Sort of consecrating the space. He wants to take a few moments of silence at the beginning of the session to consider what in each of us might stand in the way of genuine connection.
I think focusing on the connection at the beginning of the session is a really good idea. And putting aside anything that stands in the way of that. It sounds rather spiritual, in a good way. I hope it works out well for you.
Posted by Tamar on December 16, 2005, at 18:40:37
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone » Dinah, posted by Tamar on December 16, 2005, at 18:30:16
Erm... I just noticed that the message I *thought* I posted prior to the message I actually posted seems to be missing...
I must have done something wrong.
I think I tried to say sympathetic things about your father and your husband's grandmother, and expressed my pleasure that your first choice guardians agreed to look after your son. Stuff like that.
Didn't want you to think the response above was my main (or only) response...
Tamar
Posted by Dinah on December 17, 2005, at 22:54:48
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone » Dinah, posted by Tamar on December 16, 2005, at 18:30:16
I hope it works too. I'm kind of scared to see him tomorrow.
I used to have pre-therapy visualization of me as a blind pup to his milky mother dog, butting my head against the milky breast. Then it kind of switched to a young girl sitting at his feet and leaning against his knee. And now it's a sad grateful kiss of parting on his cheek as I say goodbye.
I hate that.
I really hope what he has planned changes that.
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 5:19:54
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone » Tamar, posted by Dinah on December 17, 2005, at 22:54:48
Never mind. I'm an idiot sometimes. It was just a passing fancy, and I don't mean it at all. I know we'll work it out, and I don't know what I'd do without him.
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 12:03:07
In reply to Re: Thanks everyone, posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 5:19:54
If going to see him used to be the equivilant of risperdal, now it's the equivilant of ex-lax. I get the same IBS reaction going to see him that I used to get going out to eat with my parents. I've been having to take Immodium before I go see him for over a month. I wonder if that's something I ought to tell him?
I'm also having nightmares pretty regularly about therapy. I wonder if that's something I ought to tell him?
Posted by Frida on December 18, 2005, at 12:58:33
In reply to I'm scared, posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 12:03:07
Dear Dinah,
I hope you can tell him all of this and feel some safety back...
I would be so shaken to have my sense of safety threatened...
but I have faith that you and your T will work it out...
he seems to be committed to making this work with you and seems to care so much about you.I really hope you can feel him closer and you can feel that connection back.
(((((Dinah)))))
wishing lots of closeness and sharing for your session-- hoping he's totally present and connected to you.
Frida
> If going to
see him used to be the equivilant of risperdal, now it's the equivilant of ex-lax. I get the same IBS reaction going to see him that I used to get going out to eat with my parents. I've been having to take Immodium before I go see him for over a month. I wonder if that's something I ought to tell him?
>
> I'm also having nightmares pretty regularly about therapy. I wonder if that's something I ought to tell him?
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 15:08:17
In reply to Re: I'm scared » Dinah, posted by Frida on December 18, 2005, at 12:58:33
Yet I don't feel substantially safer.
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 17:11:00
In reply to He was more present » Frida, posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 15:08:17
The IBS, the nightmares, the imagery. Everything.
I don't know if everything will be ok or not. It seems safer to assume not.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 18, 2005, at 18:39:55
In reply to I did tell him everything, posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 17:11:00
I'm glad you told him. What was his reaction?
gg
Posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 20:23:48
In reply to Re: I did tell him everything » Dinah, posted by gardenergirl on December 18, 2005, at 18:39:55
He thinks everything can be ok, if I don't expect ok to look the same as it used to.
He was concerned that I react to him intestinally like I do to my mother, and we discussed the nightmares, and the imagery. He wanted to know if it was the kiss that made me not want to tell him about it. It wasn't of course.
I don't think he takes the entire thing anywhere near as seriously as I do. At one time I think I'd have been upset about that, and try to prove it to him. Now I just feel a bit sadder. I mean, it's not the same on his side of the relationship, and I understand that.
Progress, I guess.
Posted by LauraBeane on December 19, 2005, at 11:20:15
In reply to Re: I did tell him everything » gardenergirl, posted by Dinah on December 18, 2005, at 20:23:48
Maybe he doesn't seem to take it as seriously as you do because he truly believes in his gut that you, Dinah and the relationship between the two of you will withstand this most difficult time of recovery? Difficult recovery not only the sense of the personal, as the two of you work to regain your footing, but also in the more general, as you and he and everyone else works their way back from this terrible trauma.
What I mean to say is that it must be a very hard thing for everyone there to get life back in true working order. So many things are bound to sputter and cough and feel like they will never work as well as they did before. but it takes time, it takes a lot of time to clear everything out and hit full stride again.
I think you are doing a heroic job.
Posted by Dinah on December 19, 2005, at 15:07:27
In reply to Re: I did tell him everything, posted by LauraBeane on December 19, 2005, at 11:20:15
That may well be true. Although he does admit that it can never be the same as it was.
If so, I wish I had his confidence.
I feel like a deflated balloon. I've just got no energy left to fight. Just curl up and wait for the next loss or whatever. Even though I know such a passive stance makes it more likely that bad things will happen.
Posted by gardenergirl on December 19, 2005, at 17:16:30
In reply to Re: I did tell him everything » LauraBeane, posted by Dinah on December 19, 2005, at 15:07:27
> > I feel like a deflated balloon. I've just got no energy left to fight. Just curl up and wait for the next loss or whatever. Even though I know such a passive stance makes it more likely that bad things will happen.
I think it's totally understandable that you woudl feel this way. And really, it's a self-protective measure. And it really won't make it more likely that something bad will happen. It just feels that way, I bet.
We're here for you. We'll help you fight back to relationship if that's what you want to do. And we'll help you any other way you need.
((((dinah))))
gg
Posted by LauraBeane on December 20, 2005, at 11:05:02
In reply to Re: I did tell him everything » LauraBeane, posted by Dinah on December 19, 2005, at 15:07:27
Yeah I can understand that feeling of wanting to retreat. If only we had the power to control things merely by our presence or lack thereof. I could use that power right now too.
Maybe nothing more bad will happen just because now some good things are going to happen. that's just as possible.
Posted by Dinah on December 20, 2005, at 16:24:47
In reply to Re: I did tell him everything » Dinah, posted by LauraBeane on December 20, 2005, at 11:05:02
Well, sometimes retreat does cause bad things to happen - through neglect. Like work. :) That's sort of what I was thinking.
Although admittedly I often answer the phone with "Now what?!"
I think this city is bad for me. It's like there is this miasma of hopelessness and helplessness and sadness and grief and loss hovering around it. As if you can almost breathe it in and have it infect you.
For some reason, when I leave the area to go see my therapist and quite independent of my mission, I can almost "see" my thoughts change and become less passive.
Is that a silly idea?
Posted by gardenergirl on December 20, 2005, at 22:50:38
In reply to Re: I did tell him everything - gg and » LauraBeane, posted by Dinah on December 20, 2005, at 16:24:47
Nope, not silly. I suspect your sensitivity is picking up on something very real (a "flavor" or "aura", so to speak) in your surroundings that feels heavy and negative.
I imagine having that weight or sort of black cloud lifted must feel pretty good.
gg
Posted by LauraBeane on December 21, 2005, at 17:43:21
In reply to Re: I did tell him everything - gg and » LauraBeane, posted by Dinah on December 20, 2005, at 16:24:47
Oh dinah, what a heartbreaking description.
I'm sure you can see as well as feel your thoughts breaking free as you drive farther and farther away. How difficult it must be to live with that burden right now.
To me if any city can make it back it's that one. Such a vivid, clamorous mix of styles and music and food and people. So bold and so graceful. Perhaps I see it through the rosy eyes of a tourist but I feel like that's one city that just will not stay down.
Thinking of you and everyone there.
This is the end of the thread.
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