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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 15 of 15. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
ok, here it goes. *trigger*
we started talking about my 'mother' yesterday and it hit a nerve, an angry nerve and i told him i hated her touching me. he asked if she touched me this weekend and i said no, then he asked if she used to touch me and i paused then said (quietly) yes.
but it's not like she made me do sexual stuff, but kinda humiliated me by always talking down about my body.
and the thing that happened that i just remembered monday after session was when i was young. i remember i wanted to get a training bra. all my friends had one but i wasn't exactly blossoming. well i told my mom and she said i didn't have anything to need a bra for yet. i told her people could see through my shirts (you know). and i remeber she made me unbutton my shirt and show her and she said i didn't have anything to need a bra for and maybe a little later on she'd get me one.i also remembered she'd do 'body checks'. before i'd get into the bath she'd prepare she had to be in the bathroom when i undresed and got into the tub. she would always say to make sure and clean my privates really well or she would, sometimes she'd do it to make sure i was clean. i remeber when i was young she'd do it hard, when i got older it wasn't as hard (or i just got used to it). she would also point things out if something looked funny, or i had a scrape or something. when i got to be a teenager she Always pointed out when i had acne. always saying my face was dirty. that i was greasy and should take better care of myself. that i didn't have to have acne if i washed my face once and a while. ...etc, etc..
i also remembered monday after session that she use to use a rectal thermometer on me all the time. now i know that in the old days they always used that but what i'm wondering is...i remember her using it till i was about 9 or so...is that unusual? or is that normal?
and maybe since my mom did that to me she also did it to my brother, and maybe that's why he always used to put toy thermometers and (other stuff) up there on me??God i'm scared. please don't think i'm sick.
but i have to know, i need to understand. and i'm too scared or worried to tell my T. should I? are these things that i should tell him or should i be able to brush them off?ok, that's what i've remembered since mondays session. that's probably why i've been so tired. i went to sleep at 8:30 last night.
feeling vulnerable, please be gentle
b2c.
Posted by antigua on December 14, 2005, at 10:00:29
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
You're doing great. I know it doesn't feel like it, but the memories come pouring out sometimes and can just overwhelm you. You have been through so much and you are still fighting to wellness. You have come so far already.
IMO, your mother's actions do seem a bit extreme. I have a 13-yr old daughter w/acne and I would never dream of saying anything like that to her. Also, I haven't seen her naked in a few years. She deserves her privacy and if she needs me, she knows where to find me. I also remember the training bra thing, and we just went out to get one, no questions asked. You deserved respect and privacy too and I'm sorry you didn't get it.
Tell your T; IMO, it always helps, especially because they often can make connections we never see.
I'm sorry these things happened to you,
antigua
Posted by allisonross on December 14, 2005, at 10:10:34
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
> ok, here it goes. *trigger*
((B2c))):
> we started talking about my 'mother' yesterday and it hit a nerve, an angry nerve and i told him i hated her touching me. he asked if she touched me this weekend and i said no, then he asked if she used to touch me and i paused then said (quietly) yes.
> but it's not like she made me do sexual stuff, but kinda humiliated me by always talking down about my body.Humiliation...is abuse.
> and the thing that happened that i just remembered monday after session was when i was young. i remember i wanted to get a training bra. all my friends had one but i wasn't exactly blossoming. well i told my mom and she said i didn't have anything to need a bra for yet. i told her people could see through my shirts (you know). and i remeber she made me unbutton my shirt and show her and she said i didn't have anything to need a bra for and maybe a little later on she'd get me one.
>
> i also remembered she'd do 'body checks'. before i'd get into the bath she'd prepare she had to be in the bathroom when i undresed and got into the tub.This was inappropriate; we all have a right to our boundaries; physical and emotional. She was abusing you by not allowing you to have your boundaries. Sounds like she had an obsession with bodies and cleanliness.
she would always say to make sure and clean my privates really well or she would, sometimes she'd do it to make sure i was clean.
This was sick; she sounds like she had some kind of pathological need to be "clean." She sounds like she had idea that our bodies were dirty. They are not.
Our bodies are ours and ours alone; they are to be respected; people make things dirty (because of their mental illness) that are not.
i remeber when i was young she'd do it hard, when i got older it wasn't as hard (or i just got used to it). she would also point things out if something looked funny, or i had a scrape or something. when i got to be a teenager she Always pointed out when i had acne. always saying my face was dirty. that i was greasy and should take better care of myself. that i didn't have to have acne if i washed my face once and a while. ...etc, etc..
Abuse and cruelty.
>
> i also remembered monday after session that she use to use a rectal thermometer on me all the time. now i know that in the old days they always used that but what i'm wondering is...i remember her using it till i was about 9 or so...is that unusual?Inappropriate and abnormal.
or is that normal?
> and maybe since my mom did that to me she also did it to my brother, and maybe that's why he always used to put toy thermometers and (other stuff) up there on me??Oh, Gosh.....sick; he was abusing you too.
>
> God i'm scared. please don't think i'm sick.You are NOT.. you did nothing wrong; your mother and brother were abusing you.
> but i have to know, i need to understand. and i'm too scared or worried to tell my T. should I?
These are the very issues you should discuss---you cannot even begin....to heal, unless you get this ugliness out.
are these things that i should tell him or should i be able to brush them off?
you cannot "brush off" abuse; it will be there, until you deal with it.
>
> ok, that's what i've remembered since mondays session. that's probably why i've been so tired. i went to sleep at 8:30 last night.
>
> feeling vulnerable, please be gentleI understand; was abused as a child by a mentally-unstable mother.
Be gentle with yourself; write down some stuff to tell your t, if it is too hard to talk about; just give it to him; he has heard it "all"---he won't be shocked.
Hugs and gentle thoughts; from (overcomer and wounded-healer), Ally
Just remember; little tiny baby steps....towards healing, and the first step(s) is talking.....about it. > b2c.
Posted by Gee on December 14, 2005, at 10:31:01
In reply to Re: mother daughter (long)**Trigger** » B2chica, posted by allisonross on December 14, 2005, at 10:10:34
((((((((((B2C))))))))))))))
It's hard to discuss with your T, but I think you should. Try writting it down, and when you feel ready to share it, then you should. It's never easy to remember unpleasant memories, but in the end, you'll be stronger for it. I've been through what you're going through, but mine was kinda abruptly stopped. Be gentle with your self
Posted by fallsfall on December 14, 2005, at 10:31:54
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
Yes, please tell your therapist. He will be able to help you sort through everything. It is OK to tell him the awful stuff and the not so awful stuff. It is OK to not really know what was OK and what wasn't. He can help you with that. But be as open and honest as you can with your therapist. He'll help you through it all.
Posted by Anneke on December 14, 2005, at 11:06:14
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
I don't have a lot to add to what others said, except that your post reminded me of something I read in "Courage to Heal" (a controversial book, I know) about abuse by women being so much harder to talk about and accept, especially since so much of it can be interpreted as normal care-giving type of actions.
And to echo others...be gentle and caring with yourself as these memories resurface....they can be so painful and feel so current.
Posted by Tamar on December 14, 2005, at 17:14:58
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
> ok, here it goes. *trigger*
> we started talking about my 'mother' yesterday and it hit a nerve, an angry nerve and i told him i hated her touching me. he asked if she touched me this weekend and i said no, then he asked if she used to touch me and i paused then said (quietly) yes.> but it's not like she made me do sexual stuff, but kinda humiliated me by always talking down about my body.
That sounds awful.
> and the thing that happened that i just remembered monday after session was when i was young. i remember i wanted to get a training bra. all my friends had one but i wasn't exactly blossoming. well i told my mom and she said i didn't have anything to need a bra for yet. i told her people could see through my shirts (you know). and i remeber she made me unbutton my shirt and show her and she said i didn't have anything to need a bra for and maybe a little later on she'd get me one.
How humiliating.
> i also remembered she'd do 'body checks'. before i'd get into the bath she'd prepare she had to be in the bathroom when i undresed and got into the tub. she would always say to make sure and clean my privates really well or she would, sometimes she'd do it to make sure i was clean. i remeber when i was young she'd do it hard, when i got older it wasn't as hard (or i just got used to it). she would also point things out if something looked funny, or i had a scrape or something. when i got to be a teenager she Always pointed out when i had acne. always saying my face was dirty. that i was greasy and should take better care of myself. that i didn't have to have acne if i washed my face once and a while. ...etc, etc..
That does sound rather off to me. I stay in the bathroom when my two year-old is in the tub, for safety reasons. But the six year-old has a bath by herself. Sometimes I go in and chat to her (she also comes in to chat with me when I have a bath). And sometimes I remind her to wash (but I start with her face and neck and include all the obvious bits; her genitals are just part of a list). She does the washing herself. I can’t imagine why a mother would feel she had to wash a child older than about three. (But other mothers might want to chime in here with very good reasons…)
> i also remembered monday after session that she use to use a rectal thermometer on me all the time. now i know that in the old days they always used that but what i'm wondering is...i remember her using it till i was about 9 or so...is that unusual? or is that normal?
Probably normal. In some hospitals rectal thermometers are used on adults. I’ve heard that you get a more accurate reading that way (because the instrument is actually inside the body). If the use of a rectal thermometer triggered you, it might be because of the other things that were going on in your life. Or perhaps: even though it’s perfectly normal to use a rectal thermometer, your mother could have been using it as a means of humiliating you. The most important thing at this point is how you felt about it at the time and how you feel about it now.
> and maybe since my mom did that to me she also did it to my brother, and maybe that's why he always used to put toy thermometers and (other stuff) up there on me??
That could be true. The sad fact is that most children who sexually abuse other children have been sexually (or physically) abused themselves. I’m not saying that your mom abused your brother. But if he was sexually abused by someone, he might have interpreted the use of the rectal thermometer as sexual abuse and used it in his abusive activities with you.
> God i'm scared. please don't think i'm sick.
You are NOT sick.
> but i have to know, i need to understand. and i'm too scared or worried to tell my T. should I? are these things that i should tell him or should i be able to brush them off?
I think you should tell him. It’s difficult to know how to interpret them. I think the important thing to remember is that it’s your *feelings* about it that matter. When you tell your therapist what happened, you’re telling him how you felt at the time and how you feel now about it. You’re not making an accusation against your mother. If you decide one day that you want to make an accusation against your mother, that’s fine. But for now, you’re just talking about stuff that happened and how you feel about it.
> feeling vulnerable, please be gentle
(((((B2C)))))
Take good care of yourself. These things are very hard to think about and very hard to talk about. But it sounds as if you have a caring and understanding therapist who will help you to make sense of it all.
Tamar
Posted by ghost on December 14, 2005, at 17:30:16
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
oh b2c. you're not sick. your mother is.
i'd love to clock that woman a good one, incidentally.
i wish i had something useful to say, except that i'd kick her @ss for you if i could.
you're NOT sick though. i promise.
i think you should tell your T but i know if it were me i wouldn't be able to verbalize it. my brain would just shut off. you are SOOOOO strong to have even said it here. i'm so proud of you. i think you've come so far. even if it doesn't feel like it. (i think if i were you i'd feel pretty sh@tty having remembered all this stuff. major triggers.)
i'm so proud of you. and i love you so much.
love,
ghost
Posted by fairywings on December 14, 2005, at 19:19:17
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
it's hard to think we weren't wrong or dirty, or that for some reason we didn't deserve it, but you didn't b2. Your mom was abusing you, she shouldn't have touched you, she shouldn't have said things to make you feel humiliated, she shouldn't have hurt you, and she shouldn't have let your brother touch you. she should have protected you and loved you. you deserve so much more.
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by B2chica on December 15, 2005, at 8:48:26
In reply to Re: mother daughter (long)**Trigger** » B2chica, posted by ghost on December 14, 2005, at 17:30:16
you always know how to make me feel better ((((ghost)))).
and you can have at her.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on December 15, 2005, at 8:49:26
In reply to Re: mother daughter (long)**Trigger** » B2chica, posted by Tamar on December 14, 2005, at 17:14:58
i hate that feeling of utter humiliation. i'm am very lucky that i feel comfortable enough to tell my t.
thank you for your wonderful support.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on December 15, 2005, at 8:51:17
In reply to Re: mother daughter (long)**Trigger** » B2chica, posted by fairywings on December 14, 2005, at 19:19:17
fw you almost make me want to cry. i DO feel wrong and dirty, very very dirty. i'm glaad i did tell my T.
thank you for the hugs, i need them.
b2c.
Posted by B2chica on December 15, 2005, at 8:58:33
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
ok, yesterday i wrote down what i said in the post and after about 20 minutes of fluff talk i finally read it to him, not making eye contact once mind you. i feel So incredibly dirty, dirty and bad girl. sex is dirty, sexuality is dirty, my body is dirty. i am a sick little girl. vulnerable, used and hurt.
me, i'm glad i felt comfortable enough to just blurt this stuff out. i felt really nasious (?) after i told him. like i just threw up, a little lighter but still feeling sick.
i think i'm still in stunned mode. i can't believe he thought my 'mother' was innappropriatley doing things to me, he said she was sexually abusing me. i can't help but feel like a liar, that i'm making her out to be the 'bad guy'. after all, now i can deal with her in small bits of time. i think she did only what she knew best? i don't think she hurt me on purpose? could she have? she did when i was a teen but that young? i'm making her into a demon when i should be the one ashamed and embarrassed for what i've said about her.kinda self-loathing right now.
sorry.confused
b2c.
Posted by fairywings on December 15, 2005, at 12:56:54
In reply to Re: mother daughter (long)**Trigger** » fairywings, posted by B2chica on December 15, 2005, at 8:51:17
> fw you almost make me want to cry. i DO feel wrong and dirty, very very dirty. i'm glaad i did tell my T.
> thank you for the hugs, i need them.
> b2c.I'm so sorry B2. You aren't the one who was wrong, and you aren't the one who should feel dirty. You were just a child at the mercy of a mother who made you feel damaged. I don't know how you deal with her at all after all of that. i had to put a lot of distance betw. me and my mom. now she's dead, and as horrible as it sounds, a huge weight was lifted. i loved her bec. she was my mom, but .....
telling your T was good, he can help you sort through all of your feelings.
(((hugs)))
fw
Posted by caraher on December 15, 2005, at 17:26:39
In reply to i told T yesterday**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 15, 2005, at 8:58:33
> i think i'm still in stunned mode. i can't believe he thought my 'mother' was innappropriatley doing things to me, he said she was sexually abusing me. i can't help but feel like a liar, that i'm making her out to be the 'bad guy'. after all, now i can deal with her in small bits of time. i think she did only what she knew best? i don't think she hurt me on purpose? could she have? she did when i was a teen but that young? i'm making her into a demon when i should be the one ashamed and embarrassed for what i've said about her.
>
> kinda self-loathing right now.
> sorry.(((b2c)))
I'm glad you found the strength to bring it up in therapy. Please don't put yourself down for simply telling the truth. The way you described it here was quite factual and did not sound at all as if you were demonizing her.
You did a good thing telling him! It wasn't easy and it brought up a lot of disquieting thoughts. I'm proud of you for taking that step... please be kind to yourself!
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