Posted by Tamar on December 14, 2005, at 17:14:58
In reply to mother daughter (long)**Trigger**, posted by B2chica on December 14, 2005, at 9:29:51
> ok, here it goes. *trigger*
> we started talking about my 'mother' yesterday and it hit a nerve, an angry nerve and i told him i hated her touching me. he asked if she touched me this weekend and i said no, then he asked if she used to touch me and i paused then said (quietly) yes.> but it's not like she made me do sexual stuff, but kinda humiliated me by always talking down about my body.
That sounds awful.
> and the thing that happened that i just remembered monday after session was when i was young. i remember i wanted to get a training bra. all my friends had one but i wasn't exactly blossoming. well i told my mom and she said i didn't have anything to need a bra for yet. i told her people could see through my shirts (you know). and i remeber she made me unbutton my shirt and show her and she said i didn't have anything to need a bra for and maybe a little later on she'd get me one.
How humiliating.
> i also remembered she'd do 'body checks'. before i'd get into the bath she'd prepare she had to be in the bathroom when i undresed and got into the tub. she would always say to make sure and clean my privates really well or she would, sometimes she'd do it to make sure i was clean. i remeber when i was young she'd do it hard, when i got older it wasn't as hard (or i just got used to it). she would also point things out if something looked funny, or i had a scrape or something. when i got to be a teenager she Always pointed out when i had acne. always saying my face was dirty. that i was greasy and should take better care of myself. that i didn't have to have acne if i washed my face once and a while. ...etc, etc..
That does sound rather off to me. I stay in the bathroom when my two year-old is in the tub, for safety reasons. But the six year-old has a bath by herself. Sometimes I go in and chat to her (she also comes in to chat with me when I have a bath). And sometimes I remind her to wash (but I start with her face and neck and include all the obvious bits; her genitals are just part of a list). She does the washing herself. I can’t imagine why a mother would feel she had to wash a child older than about three. (But other mothers might want to chime in here with very good reasons…)
> i also remembered monday after session that she use to use a rectal thermometer on me all the time. now i know that in the old days they always used that but what i'm wondering is...i remember her using it till i was about 9 or so...is that unusual? or is that normal?
Probably normal. In some hospitals rectal thermometers are used on adults. I’ve heard that you get a more accurate reading that way (because the instrument is actually inside the body). If the use of a rectal thermometer triggered you, it might be because of the other things that were going on in your life. Or perhaps: even though it’s perfectly normal to use a rectal thermometer, your mother could have been using it as a means of humiliating you. The most important thing at this point is how you felt about it at the time and how you feel about it now.
> and maybe since my mom did that to me she also did it to my brother, and maybe that's why he always used to put toy thermometers and (other stuff) up there on me??
That could be true. The sad fact is that most children who sexually abuse other children have been sexually (or physically) abused themselves. I’m not saying that your mom abused your brother. But if he was sexually abused by someone, he might have interpreted the use of the rectal thermometer as sexual abuse and used it in his abusive activities with you.
> God i'm scared. please don't think i'm sick.
You are NOT sick.
> but i have to know, i need to understand. and i'm too scared or worried to tell my T. should I? are these things that i should tell him or should i be able to brush them off?
I think you should tell him. It’s difficult to know how to interpret them. I think the important thing to remember is that it’s your *feelings* about it that matter. When you tell your therapist what happened, you’re telling him how you felt at the time and how you feel now about it. You’re not making an accusation against your mother. If you decide one day that you want to make an accusation against your mother, that’s fine. But for now, you’re just talking about stuff that happened and how you feel about it.
> feeling vulnerable, please be gentle
(((((B2C)))))
Take good care of yourself. These things are very hard to think about and very hard to talk about. But it sounds as if you have a caring and understanding therapist who will help you to make sense of it all.
Tamar
poster:Tamar
thread:588954
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051210/msgs/589081.html