Shown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 12:49:34
We are talking about my intense need for approval, and all the things that go along with that. All that's a difficult enough issue for me, and it is one that bites my butt more than almost anything else.
But then, in the course of the discussion, my T [who does not yet have a "name"] said that my mother's narcissism created the problem! Now, when you look up "enmeshment" in the dictionary, there's a picture of myself and my mother and my aunt (all clustered around a picture of my grandmother and great-grandfather, no doubt) And I am *very* protective of her. And very likely to hide my hurt feelings, because I'm afraid of being hurt more. Being told that I'm "wrong" to feel hurt by whatever it is.
And, of course, I'm afraid of saying anything, anyway, because I can't get the approval I crave if I say something about my hurt feelings. I'll just be rejected. Again.
Anyway, that percolated for a while, which was bad enough. And, of course, I went through some of that "is my mother really narcissistic?" That part was really rotten to hear and to think about.
So I called a friend from college, who knew my mother. I asked her, "is my mother narcissistic?" She said, "Of course she is!" Somehow, though, I never cottoned on to that fact.
Yesterday was brutal. I think there's a lot of grief to that I've got to slog through in finding my way to recognizing and internalizing the fact that my mother *will never,* because she *can never,* give me the approval I need so badly.
Right now, though, I'm poised at the abyss, not wanting to jump into that bog of grief.
And hating it.
Oh, yeah, and something triggered a bunch of anorexic symptoms the past few days. It's not something that's overtly psychological -- I lose my appetite in a funny way. I'm still hungry, but any time I think about eating anything, whatever it is makes me feel queasy. So I avoid eating that, and it goes on through everything I can think of. I feel as though I want *something* to eat, but it has to be the right thing -- and I don't know what that is.
I'm starting to think that the weather has a lot to do with this. I think I'll ask my T about light boxes, and see if it's worth talking to Dr CattleProd about that. (My husband, by the way, came up with a name for him, too: Dr Chuckles.)
Posted by sleepygirl on December 1, 2005, at 13:13:05
In reply to Wrecked in therapy yesterday, posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 12:49:34
sorry Racer, hope it gets better soon
that stuff sounds hard to hear
Posted by allisonross on December 1, 2005, at 13:47:34
In reply to Wrecked in therapy yesterday, posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 12:49:34
Hi, sweetie: Hey, didn't we go to different schools together? My mother (I always thought) was/is the poster-child for narcissism. In the dictionary, there is an asterisk, followed by a note to "See {put mother's name, here]"
I realized a very long time ago, tht I could NEVER get what i wanted/needed from her...
And so (sad as it is), reality bites.
I've been resourceful, and made my friends my "family." They are the ones who care, share and love mel
I always thought it was so ironic. The people that "should" have loved me (mother, ex-husband, 2 grown children); Did/do NOT.
The people who don't "have" to love me (friends), DO.
My mother was a witch on wheels (horrifically violent and abusive), and yet I try (it ain't easy being queasy, LOL) to treat her well (it's a little easier being 1,000 miles away, too ya know).
I was the best mother I knew how to be, and my kids ignore me.
Ain't life hilarious.
It is human nature to always want a parents' approval (I never knew my father), just had "mommie dearest"
But, we cannot get something outta nuthing.
Not too helpful, eh?
Just thinking about it wears you down, eh?!
Hugs and Love, Alice (Maybe we should start a "Children of Narcissists" Club?!
Grins
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 1, 2005, at 14:42:09
In reply to Wrecked in therapy yesterday, posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 12:49:34
Heavy snipping helps me to focus.
> We are talking about my intense need for approval
> I think there's a lot of grief to that I've got to slog through in finding my way to recognizing and internalizing the fact that my mother *will never,* because she *can never,* give me the approval I need so badly.
I'm absolutely in agreement.
I can't help but wonder, what do you approve of?
Where do you show approval, to others? What are those circumstances?
I know you do. Do you know you do?
Lar
Posted by ClearSkies on December 1, 2005, at 16:49:45
In reply to Wrecked in therapy yesterday, posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 12:49:34
Racer, I just had 7 days straight with my mother, and it sent me to the sofa for 48 hours to recover. I was completely numb. I thought I had done all the grieving I needed to do, but I guess I'm not finished yet. To have someone here and yet not be here for me is so difficult.
I hope that you can see the good work that you are doing with this unnamed T. You are really addressing core issues that will help you overall.
One bright spot for me is that I can detect a difference in feeling depressed, and being depressed. Seeing my mother makes me feel depressed; and that feeling passes.
Posted by daisym on December 1, 2005, at 18:38:49
In reply to Wrecked in therapy yesterday, posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 12:49:34
I'm sorry Racer, mom stuff is way hard. Especially when we have a relationship with them on one level that is pretty OK. I know I want something from my mom I'll never get. I just don't know how to stop wanting that.
I don't know whether my mother was self-centered or terrified of my dad (he never hit her, he was just verbally abusive to her)or terrified of being alone to care for 4 kids. Whatever the reason, she loved us but her focus was on external care. And when they finally divorced, it stayed that way. I think she was doing the best she could.
I hope you find some peace with self-approval that replaces that need for maternal approval. It is a tough road and painful as hell to work through. I'm not there yet. But I can listen and sympathize.
(((Racer)))
Posted by Poet on December 1, 2005, at 22:04:08
In reply to Wrecked in therapy yesterday, posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 12:49:34
Hi Racer,
My favorite film professor and college advisor once grabbed my notebook and wrote
I APPROVE
he dated it and signed it. So I wouldn't ever ask him to approve anything again. It worked.
SO
I APPROVE
POET
12/1/05
Posted by Larry Hoover on December 1, 2005, at 23:24:39
In reply to Re: Wrecked in therapy yesterday » Racer, posted by Poet on December 1, 2005, at 22:04:08
Posted by gardenergirl on December 3, 2005, at 13:31:43
In reply to Re: Wrecked in therapy yesterday » Racer, posted by Poet on December 1, 2005, at 22:04:08
And love. :)
gg
This is the end of the thread.
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