Posted by Racer on December 1, 2005, at 12:49:34
We are talking about my intense need for approval, and all the things that go along with that. All that's a difficult enough issue for me, and it is one that bites my butt more than almost anything else.
But then, in the course of the discussion, my T [who does not yet have a "name"] said that my mother's narcissism created the problem! Now, when you look up "enmeshment" in the dictionary, there's a picture of myself and my mother and my aunt (all clustered around a picture of my grandmother and great-grandfather, no doubt) And I am *very* protective of her. And very likely to hide my hurt feelings, because I'm afraid of being hurt more. Being told that I'm "wrong" to feel hurt by whatever it is.
And, of course, I'm afraid of saying anything, anyway, because I can't get the approval I crave if I say something about my hurt feelings. I'll just be rejected. Again.
Anyway, that percolated for a while, which was bad enough. And, of course, I went through some of that "is my mother really narcissistic?" That part was really rotten to hear and to think about.
So I called a friend from college, who knew my mother. I asked her, "is my mother narcissistic?" She said, "Of course she is!" Somehow, though, I never cottoned on to that fact.
Yesterday was brutal. I think there's a lot of grief to that I've got to slog through in finding my way to recognizing and internalizing the fact that my mother *will never,* because she *can never,* give me the approval I need so badly.
Right now, though, I'm poised at the abyss, not wanting to jump into that bog of grief.
And hating it.
Oh, yeah, and something triggered a bunch of anorexic symptoms the past few days. It's not something that's overtly psychological -- I lose my appetite in a funny way. I'm still hungry, but any time I think about eating anything, whatever it is makes me feel queasy. So I avoid eating that, and it goes on through everything I can think of. I feel as though I want *something* to eat, but it has to be the right thing -- and I don't know what that is.
I'm starting to think that the weather has a lot to do with this. I think I'll ask my T about light boxes, and see if it's worth talking to Dr CattleProd about that. (My husband, by the way, came up with a name for him, too: Dr Chuckles.)
poster:Racer
thread:584213
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051130/msgs/584213.html