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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 9 of 9. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 1:27:26
.....I will never be with you
-James Blunt
("You're Beautiful")
Posted by 10derHeart on November 1, 2005, at 13:00:23
In reply to But it's time to face the truth, posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 1:27:26
(((Voce)))
you okay?
Posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 17:10:32
In reply to But it's time to face the truth, posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 1:27:26
I feel like a mess.
You know, I've lost a lot in my 23 years. Everyone loses stuff and people, and a lot of the time those losses hurt, but then something else comes in to fill that gap, or you find something else, or the edges of your life just close up and patch the hole, somehow.
I hoped so bad that such a thing would happen with D. (ex T). I kept waiting and sometimes I would feel better and think, "okay, I'm letting go, the gap is closing" but I can't stop missing him.
I think this is all magnified because I understand this isn't about D. at all, or not as much as I would think. Living with my dad is such a roller coaster. I never know when he'll be happy with me. Good dog? Bad dog? It hurts to live in the same house, it hurts to have him be impatient with me, it hurts me to see him being Pastoral with his parish members, it hurts me when he's unexpectedly kind and understanding, because then I get a taste of what I've been so desperately missing. It hurts to be around other men who have little kids and observe what good daddies they are, it hurts to see little girls with their fathers and wonder if maybe I could have grown up with less self-loathing.
My relationship with my folks is a lot better now than it was, and things with my dad are even better than before. It's all relative, you see. Before I went to therapy I was angry and sad all the time; now I'm angry and sad in only one area of my life.
When things go wrong or feel crappy, it makes me miss D. in a desperate kind of way. Even him being there physically was comforting to me because he was a solid person physically, emotionally, spiritually. He was a soft place to fall. I miss that. Sometimes when my mind wanders, I remember certain interactions we had in therapy, and the expressions on his face. How kind he was. How he made me feel valued.
I love my fiance, and he values me probably more than any other man I've ever known, but I've made up my mind that I can't turn my fiance into Daddy, nor would I want to. He needs me and I need him in an equal sort of way. It's just different.
So when I posted those song lyrics, it was mostly for D., since that song struck such a chord in me. I'll probably never see him again, and we'll never be like we were.
I want to start my life over, and be his daughter this time.
Posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 22:56:09
In reply to I don't know, posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 17:10:32
> Living with my dad is such a roller coaster. I never know when he'll be happy with me. Good dog? Bad dog? It hurts to live in the same house, it hurts to have him be impatient with me, it hurts me to see him being Pastoral with his parish members, it hurts me when he's unexpectedly kind and understanding, because then I get a taste of what I've been so desperately missing. close up and patch the hole, somehow.
I completely understand this, I'm sad for you and to have to live with it again opens all those old wounds. Wish he could hear how horribly you feel. Any chance you could print this off and leave it where he "might" find it?
>
It hurts to be around other men who have little kids and observe what good daddies they are, it hurts to see little girls with their fathers and wonder if maybe I could have grown up with less self-loathing.I see those good daddies too, and it does look wonderful, but I didn't think about actually being one of those little girls. Gives me something new to ponder.
>
> I love my fiance, and he values me probably more than any other man I've ever known, but I've made up my mind that I can't turn my fiance into Daddy, nor would I want to. He needs me and I need him in an equal sort of way. It's just different.You know it took me years to get to the point where I can get some of that fatherly love from my husband. I've told him how it feels sometimes, and he doesn't mind just holding me close when I need that love. He knows what I missed. It's not in a weird way, just the snuggling part, the closeness, sometimes I just close my eyes and pretend, and it feels good. I can have it for moments at a time, and then go right back to where we both need me to be. It's a wonderful feeling. Doesn't fix what was broken years ago, or the pain I feel, but he's so loving and kind, how could I not try to tap the daddy in him?
> I want to start my life over, and be his daughter this time.
Can I be your sister?
fw
Posted by daisym on November 2, 2005, at 0:21:42
In reply to But it's time to face the truth, posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 1:27:26
You sound so sad and so lonely. I think you've really gotten clear about your dad and your fiance and your therapist. All men who are important to you and each has something they can't be for you.
So perhaps, in time, you will be able to string their caring together and make it whole, inside yourself. It maybe that your dad is a great grandpa someday...and you'll find a way to connect with him then. Maybe not, but who knows? It certainly sounds like your fiance has the capacity to provide you with a love that is healing and uplifting.
I think it is perfectly understandable to miss your therapist so much, especially as you approach your wedding. He touched you, helped you change and made a huge difference. I'm sure he will be there with you in spirit.
I hope tomorrow is a brighter day.
Hugs,
Daisy
Posted by Shortelise on November 2, 2005, at 12:50:50
In reply to I don't know, posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 17:10:32
**sigh**
That's a lot of truth you are facing. Please be kind to yourself.
ShortE
Posted by messadivoce on November 5, 2005, at 17:02:13
In reply to Re: I don't know » messadivoce, posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 22:56:09
<Wish he could hear how horribly you feel. Any chance you could print this off and leave it where he "might" find it?>
After I finished therapy, both he and my mother pressured me to tell them why I had been there. They didn't like that I was talking to someone about us that they didn't know. I did sit down with my dad a little and try to tell him about why I had had to go, and why it all hurt so much. It's hard to summarize 8 months of therapy in an hour, you know? I've erred on the side of caution, tried to protect my privacy, and I think for the most part, both my folks are really baffled as to why I had to go.
<I see those good daddies too, and it does look wonderful, but I didn't think about actually being one of those little girls. Gives me something new to ponder.>
My dad and I get along okay now, and he's actually become quite a bit more considerate and kind to me. I think he's afraid of something going wrong in me again. But nothing can fix everything I missed. I think I'm still grieving for that little girl/daddy relationship that I missed out on.
<You know it took me years to get to the point where I can get some of that fatherly love from my husband.>
Yeah, I can relate to this. There are times when fiance just holds me, and it feels soooo good. I know he has helped fulfill that need for male closeness. But of course there is a sexualized element to our relationship which is pretty normal for a couple soon to be married, and so the horniness often takes precedence over the cuddly stuff, sometimes. (We have decided to wait on sex til we're married, which has been reallyreally hard, but I know it will pay off. As a result, we're basically horny all the time.)
<Can I be your sister?>
You bet.
Posted by messadivoce on November 5, 2005, at 19:37:38
In reply to Re: But it's time to face the truth, posted by daisym on November 2, 2005, at 0:21:42
<So perhaps, in time, you will be able to string their caring together and make it whole, inside yourself.>
You know, that's a really good point to ponder. Because when you put all their good qualities together, you get the perfect father that I've always wanted.
<It maybe that your dad is a great grandpa someday...and you'll find a way to connect with him then.>
Yeah, I think he will be a pretty great grandpa, actually. I think it will be really wonderful to see him interacting with my kids, and kind of difficult too.
<I think it is perfectly understandable to miss your therapist so much, especially as you approach your wedding.>Thanks, Daisy. I feel as though it is pretty unreasonable to feel the way I do, since it's been a year and a half, and for all practical purposes, I've "moved on". I still miss him every day, though, and I try to support myself the same way he supported me.
I just HATE HATE how vulnerable and needy I feel sometimes for male attention. How when I meet a really nice guy I wonder "why is he being so nice to me?" Even my fiance, who is so incredibly kind.
My T was one of those nice guys, and when I met him, I thought, "uh oh this could be trouble." And it was. My first instinct was to push him as far away as possible. That was my first instinct with my fiance too.
<I hope tomorrow is a brighter day.>
It's less dark, at least.
Posted by fairywings on November 5, 2005, at 23:10:22
In reply to Re: I don't know » fairywings, posted by messadivoce on November 5, 2005, at 17:02:13
>
> My dad and I get along okay now, and he's actually become quite a bit more considerate and kind to me. I think he's afraid of something going wrong in me again. But nothing can fix everything I missed. I think I'm still grieving for that little girl/daddy relationship that I missed out on.No, you're right, you can't go back and change the damage that's been done, and I know what you mean about grieving for what you missed out on.
That hurt just doesn't seem to go away.> Yeah, I can relate to this. There are times when fiance just holds me, and it feels soooo good. I know he has helped fulfill that need for male closeness. But of course there is a sexualized element to our relationship which is pretty normal for a couple soon to be married, and so the horniness often takes precedence over the cuddly stuff, sometimes. (We have decided to wait on sex til we're married, which has been reallyreally hard, but I know it will pay off. As a result, we're basically horny all the time.)
When's the wedding? That honeymoon will be wonderful, the closeness and love, it's like nothing else. It IS so wonderful when they just hold you and you feel the love pouring out for you. It does help so much to heal your soul to have a wonderful man love you unconditionally. And, to give you some encouragement on the state of a happy marriage, my husband and I have 4 kids, have been married almost 20 years, and we're STILL horny for each other all the time! And we're very much in love.
Here's to your wedded bliss! Cheers!
fw
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