Posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 17:10:32
In reply to But it's time to face the truth, posted by messadivoce on November 1, 2005, at 1:27:26
I feel like a mess.
You know, I've lost a lot in my 23 years. Everyone loses stuff and people, and a lot of the time those losses hurt, but then something else comes in to fill that gap, or you find something else, or the edges of your life just close up and patch the hole, somehow.
I hoped so bad that such a thing would happen with D. (ex T). I kept waiting and sometimes I would feel better and think, "okay, I'm letting go, the gap is closing" but I can't stop missing him.
I think this is all magnified because I understand this isn't about D. at all, or not as much as I would think. Living with my dad is such a roller coaster. I never know when he'll be happy with me. Good dog? Bad dog? It hurts to live in the same house, it hurts to have him be impatient with me, it hurts me to see him being Pastoral with his parish members, it hurts me when he's unexpectedly kind and understanding, because then I get a taste of what I've been so desperately missing. It hurts to be around other men who have little kids and observe what good daddies they are, it hurts to see little girls with their fathers and wonder if maybe I could have grown up with less self-loathing.
My relationship with my folks is a lot better now than it was, and things with my dad are even better than before. It's all relative, you see. Before I went to therapy I was angry and sad all the time; now I'm angry and sad in only one area of my life.
When things go wrong or feel crappy, it makes me miss D. in a desperate kind of way. Even him being there physically was comforting to me because he was a solid person physically, emotionally, spiritually. He was a soft place to fall. I miss that. Sometimes when my mind wanders, I remember certain interactions we had in therapy, and the expressions on his face. How kind he was. How he made me feel valued.
I love my fiance, and he values me probably more than any other man I've ever known, but I've made up my mind that I can't turn my fiance into Daddy, nor would I want to. He needs me and I need him in an equal sort of way. It's just different.
So when I posted those song lyrics, it was mostly for D., since that song struck such a chord in me. I'll probably never see him again, and we'll never be like we were.
I want to start my life over, and be his daughter this time.
poster:messadivoce
thread:574003
URL: http://www.dr-bob.org/babble/psycho/20051025/msgs/574225.html