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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 20 of 20. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by B2chica on November 1, 2005, at 9:22:52
i had another memory come to me lately. it's about a game my brother made me play when were alone, hide and seek. i remember i tried to hide really well, hold my breath if i heard him near, i remember my heart beating really fast...i didn't want him to find me.
i told my therapist this yesterday, but i left out some detail. i told him that sometimes after he'd find me that he'd undress me and do things.
my question is, is that enough? i feel i need to give more detail but i feel sick doing it, and i'm worried that my T thinks it's gross, or unnecessary.
how much detail is too much? i don't want to make a fool of myself or loose any respect from my T.
b2c.
Posted by allisonross on November 1, 2005, at 9:46:58
In reply to graphic discussions? **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 1, 2005, at 9:22:52
> i had another memory come to me lately. it's about a game my brother made me play when were alone, hide and seek. i remember i tried to hide really well, hold my breath if i heard him near, i remember my heart beating really fast...i didn't want him to find me.
> i told my therapist this yesterday, but i left out some detail. i told him that sometimes after he'd find me that he'd undress me and do things.
That must have been awful/scary for you.
> my question is, is that enough? i feel i need to give more detail but i feel sick doing it, and i'm worried that my T thinks it's gross, or unnecessary.
What was done to you (abuse) was gross and "unnecessary"
That is what your therapist does. His/her job is to hear all of the ugliness/stuff in people's lives, and help them process it, in order to heal.
> how much detail is too much?
There isn't much they haven't heard; so whatever you are comfortable disclosing is what you should do, but only by being honest, can your therapist help you.
i don't want to make a fool of myself
You won't. A therapist is there to be non-judgemental. This isn't a personal relationship, and so you don't have to worry about that stuff.
or loose any respect from my T.
He/she will respect you for being honest and authentic.
> b2c.Hugs, Ally
Posted by Annierose on November 1, 2005, at 12:31:36
In reply to graphic discussions? **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 1, 2005, at 9:22:52
Your T would never think the things you share with him as gross. And he won't lose respect for you, probably the opposite. It is very important information. It's so sad that it happened, and re-telling these painful memories are difficult. Your T will want to know so he can help you.
T's hear uncomfortable information all the time. This is part of their job, to help us process our past so it doesn't continue to have this hold over us in the present.
It's a brave story to tell. I'm glad you are starting to share this with your T. You are trusting him.
Posted by alexandra_k on November 1, 2005, at 13:43:19
In reply to graphic discussions? **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 1, 2005, at 9:22:52
i think... it depends how much you need to talk through those memories. if they are things that occur to you quite frequently or things you find yourself occupied with a lot then there may be a benefit to talking them through.
Otherwise...
it will hurt to go back there...
will it help?
depends...
only you will know.maybe...
you aren't quite ready yet.
or maybe...
you don't need to go there.dunno.
something to think about i guess.
i don't think... we have to relive all traumas.
i'm not sure...
but sometimes i think too much of that makes one worse without so very much positive benefit.that being said if you are preoccupied with it then i suppose that is an indication that you need to get it out.
Posted by antigua on November 1, 2005, at 19:12:35
In reply to graphic discussions? **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 1, 2005, at 9:22:52
try to tell your T as much detail as possible. It will really help, and I really don't think you could surprise him (or is it her?) Some believe that if you can verbalize it, it will lessen its power over you.
It's hard, I know, but you are doing the right thing,
antigua
Posted by fairywings on November 1, 2005, at 22:41:26
In reply to graphic discussions? **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 1, 2005, at 9:22:52
> i told my therapist this yesterday, but i left out some detail. i told him that sometimes after he'd find me that he'd undress me and do things.
> my question is, is that enough? i feel i need to give more detail but i feel sick doing it, and i'm worried that my T thinks it's gross, or unnecessary.
> how much detail is too much? i don't want to make a fool of myself or loose any respect from my T.
> b2c.Hi B2,
What happened to you is horrifying. If you think about it, and it haunts you, talk about it. It is no reflection of you. You were an innocent and terrified victim. Maybe you could tell your T you think the details are gross and might be too much for him, and see what he says? I can't imagine for a minute that any respect will be lost, on the contrary, you are very brave to talk about it and get it out.
fw
Posted by daisym on November 2, 2005, at 0:11:48
In reply to graphic discussions? **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 1, 2005, at 9:22:52
Have you asked your therapist what his position is on details? There are so many different opinions about how much to tell and as noted above, what is and isn't helpful.
I think if YOU feel the need to tell, you should. I don't think it is ever "mandatory" to say stuff in order to heal. But holding it all inside, alone, is keeping it a secret. Again. Still. Letting the secret out is an important part of the telling. Maybe the most important part. Because you can see and hear someone else's reaction...and begin to believe that it isn't your fault.
I know you've talked about some hard stuff before. But I have to tell you, every time I get ready to tell a new story, or retell an old one, I check in -- "is this OK? Are you upset? Are you going to say 'enough' and leave me because it is too hard to hear?" I say these things over and over again. And he reassures me over and over again.
He had tears in his eyes today. I apologized for telling such a hard story. He shook his head and said he was OK, he could hear it. I felt so bad for causing so much upset. He said I needed to know and to see how much he cared, and how much he understood my hurt. And his tears were an honest reflection of my pain. He said he was sad for me, not because of me. And he said he was glad I told him.
It is worth it if you need to tell it. I think you can trust that your therapist can help you with it, not make you feel worse about it.
I just wish you didn't have it to share at all.
Hugs from me,
Daisy
Posted by B2chica on November 2, 2005, at 9:16:19
In reply to Re: graphic discussions? **trigger** » B2chica, posted by daisym on November 2, 2005, at 0:11:48
thanks annierose i hope my T doesnt' loose respect. but maybe i have to take that chance.
your right antigua, i don't think it will surprise him, but i guess i'm scared that it will. and i've heard that "if you can verbalize it it will lessen its power over you". i think it's true this time. since talking about it monday, i can't shake it, i still feel the fear i felt then.
FW i think i'm really struggling with seeing myself as a victim. in dbt they went over this whole list and one of the main things is that we have to take responsibility for our actions. and that seems to solidify that i feel partial blame.daisy, i think you have a great idea here. maybe i will ask him first on his position on details, and i'll tell him what my fear is...maybe that's a good way to start the conversation. and i admire your strength. thank you for sharing your experience with this.
thanks all
b2c.
Posted by antigua on November 2, 2005, at 12:44:04
In reply to Re: graphic discussions? **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 2, 2005, at 9:16:19
with all due respect to your dbt therapist and taking responsibility, this isn't something you have to take responsibility for--your reaction is, of course, but taking responsibility is accepting part of the blame and in NO WAY are you responsible. Never. I'm starting to believe that this is really true (sorry, I'm a slow learner).
You need to let it out, just as I do, in a very safe environment. If you feel your T is safe, then maybe that really is the best place.
I'm here too, just as so many others are, so take strength from us to heal.
best,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on November 3, 2005, at 8:59:50
In reply to Re: graphic discussions? **trigger** » B2chica, posted by antigua on November 2, 2005, at 12:44:04
> with all due respect to your dbt therapist and taking responsibility, this isn't something you have to take responsibility for--your reaction is, of course, but taking responsibility is accepting part of the blame and in NO WAY are you responsible. Never. I'm starting to believe that this is really true (sorry, I'm a slow learner).
>
> You need to let it out, just as I do, in a very safe environment. If you feel your T is safe, then maybe that really is the best place.
> I'm here too, just as so many others are, so take strength from us to heal.
> best,
> antiguahi antigua, don't worry bout my DBT therapist, after telling my T about this 'class', my T said that that is not really true DBT and he was disappointed (in the program not me).
i'm beginning to think that saying all this stuff to my T might have lifted a heavy brick off my shoulders and i feel like i'm scrambling to get it back.
i don't know why i'd do this but i feel like i am. maybe a comfort zone? sick, i know...ok, this is a **trigger** section.
after my abuser would find me he would have me take off my clothes and he would 'finger' me- he usually kept his clothes on but touched me all over and sometimes put his finger inside me, at either end. i don't know how else to describe it. is this how i should tell my T? is there a better way to word this?
after re-reading this, i can't help but feel responsible- i mean if he kept his clothes on and he had ME take off my own clothes???
i just don't understand all this. i can't seem to wrap my head around any of it.
and i feel scared.
b2c.
Posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 11:27:12
In reply to Re: graphic discussions... **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 3, 2005, at 8:59:50
you HAVE found the words, and if you can't say them out loud, give the email to your T. I'm proud of you for being able to do it! Your T will certainly understand.
The no clothes thing was may just another way your abuser could exert control over you. After all, you couldn't run away w/o clothes, could you?
I feel dirty too sometimes, but remember they are the dirtier ones.
best,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on November 4, 2005, at 11:54:07
In reply to Re: graphic discussions... **trigger** » B2chica, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 11:27:12
yesterday i did write down what i posted and first asked him about the detail thing. he said whatever i felt i needed to say i should say.
then i told him that i had some hard stuff and i wrote it down so i'd just read it real fast. i did. i even told him about the comments he (abuser) would make about my body, put downs and how i wasnt a real girl yet cuz i (well to put nicely, i hadn't yet got certain traits you get from going through puberty). boy that one was tough.
but i did it, and even though i felt like crap all last night, i'm feeling better today than i have most of the week.thanks so much for your support antigua.
b2c.
Posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:47:33
In reply to Re: graphic discussions... **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 4, 2005, at 11:54:07
Wow, you did it! Sounds like you felt it, too. I have a tendency to just recite the details as if they happened to someone else. there is a definite disconnect for me between the telling and the feeling.
best,
antigua
Posted by B2chica on November 7, 2005, at 8:57:15
In reply to Re: graphic discussions... **trigger**, posted by antigua on November 4, 2005, at 15:47:33
> Wow, you did it! Sounds like you felt it, too. I have a tendency to just recite the details as if they happened to someone else. there is a definite disconnect for me between the telling and the feeling.
> best,
> antiguai agree. what is it with that? i feel like this whole thing happened to someone else, like i couldn't cry about it if i wanted/needed to. last thursday for the first time i started to tear up because he kept pushing the issue of how alone i must have felt, how scared i was, and how much i needed someone to help me. i didn't cry but i teared up. that was the first time i've shown any emotion about this.
b2c.
Posted by antigua on November 7, 2005, at 9:41:35
In reply to Re: tears... **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 7, 2005, at 8:57:15
tearing up is good! you're getting there. My T gives me that compassionate look about how terrible it must have been but that just strengthens my resolve not to cry. Nope, not me, I'm not going to let her feel sorry for me!(Guess I should explore why someone expressing emotion/compassion makes me feel pitiful and/or worthless)
antigua
Posted by happyflower on November 7, 2005, at 9:47:40
In reply to Re: tears... **trigger** » B2chica, posted by antigua on November 7, 2005, at 9:41:35
((((B2)))) You are working so hard in therapy and making such great progress I think. Therapy is so hard sometimes when you have do deal with your past. It is okay to cry, I know better said than done, I don't want to cry either. But I know it is okay if it happens. I think with what you are feeling is normal for child who have endured what we have. You are sweet little B2 :) Keep up the good work, it will help you in the long run. Someday you will back and realize it was worth all the hard work, because you will be so happy.
Posted by muffled on November 7, 2005, at 23:06:30
In reply to Re: graphic discussions... **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 4, 2005, at 11:54:07
> yesterday i did write down what i posted and first asked him about the detail thing. he said whatever i felt i needed to say i should say.
> then i told him that i had some hard stuff and i wrote it down so i'd just read it real fast. i did. i even told him about the comments he (abuser) would make about my body, put downs and how i wasnt a real girl yet cuz i (well to put nicely, i hadn't yet got certain traits you get from going through puberty). boy that one was tough.
> but i did it, and even though i felt like crap all last night, i'm feeling better today than i have most of the week.
>
*Oh b2 you are so brave. So so brave. You have survived so much. Yet you can share with others. That is so good. You must be a very special person.
There are no words for such things. Just no words.
I don't cry either. Sometimees I get what I call waterineye. But I make it go away fast.
I am so happy for you that you are moving ahead.
(((B2)))
Muffled
Posted by laterain on November 10, 2005, at 18:23:28
In reply to Re: graphic discussions... **trigger**, posted by B2chica on November 3, 2005, at 8:59:50
you are NOT NOT NOT responsible--you were a kid--and if we're going to put this in DBT terms (I am currently going through DBT myself), I think what "fits" here is shame that is unwarranted--and the way to get past that is to face it, I think (probably not describing it as best as I could) but you need to hear from someone else that you were NOT at fault. I was molested by my brother also and it wasn't rough or forceful, it was coercive but I know now that he had a lot of emotional/mental power over me and so it was not my "fault". but speaking it and hearing someone else say that it's okay/that it wasn't your fault is something that I think is helpful. just my two cents . . . Rain
> after re-reading this, i can't help but feel responsible- i mean if he kept his clothes on and he had ME take off my own clothes???
> i just don't understand all this. i can't seem to wrap my head around any of it.
> and i feel scared.
> b2c.
>
Posted by B2chica on November 11, 2005, at 9:13:09
In reply to Re: graphic discussions... **trigger**, posted by laterain on November 10, 2005, at 18:23:28
thank you rain. i think it really has to do with the fact that it was a sibling and not an adult. i feel like my experience wasn't as bad and i have no right to feel like those that suffered at the hand of their father or uncle etc.
thank you for sharing. it REALLY makes me feel not alone.
i hope to see more of you here.
b2c.
Posted by muffled on November 11, 2005, at 9:47:12
In reply to Re: graphic discussions... **trigger** » laterain, posted by B2chica on November 11, 2005, at 9:13:09
> thank you rain. i think it really has to do with the fact that it was a sibling and not an adult. i feel like my experience wasn't as bad and i have no right to feel like those that suffered at the hand of their father or uncle etc.
> thank you for sharing. it REALLY makes me feel not alone.
> i hope to see more of you here.
> b2c.Someone touched you. It hurt you. Thats the thing of it isn't it.
Muffled :(
This is the end of the thread.
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