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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 11 of 11. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 12:26:44
It's so hard to live with opposing parts. It's so hard to have a T like mine or to see t the way that i do- it may not even be correct- it can't be as bad as it seems- can it?
T is so unfriendly that he acts like he doesn't want to get near me - almost like he can 'catch DID' from me. It feels so unedifying to go- although i've been such a mess that i gave up hope about working on a healing and now he's doing supportive therapy because i've asked him to- it's too difficult for me to communicate with parts or work to do that.
Now i'm struggling with trying to make myself go. i have this dread- i don't want to go at all, even still.
i know i need to go but i really hate being there and it's too hard to make myself. It reminds me of pain and crying. i don't know how many times that i cried the entire session and left a wreck besides that afterwards. i'm not any better from it- i'm worse.T acts so uncaring that i think my parts are refusing to be in the position of sharing my tears anymore with him. i know he can't hug me and say "It's ok" or anything but when there isn't any kind of exchange at all it makes a feeling of resentment build up. i don't want to do it again.
what do i do?- it's so hard to try to do something against my part's feelings. Things will happen like- i'll forget my keys, or be so late it doesn't matter - we won't be able to get ready or get lost on the way, lose time. How can i get agreement? i need inside agreement.
i think that my protector part is saying 'Enough. Don't go there today. (anymore?). i don't know if we can lose T but we can't keep missing therapy and have him keep us, i don't think.
we're in bad shape also and need therapy. What a mess.Thanks for any input,
kerria
Posted by Shortelise on September 6, 2005, at 12:42:38
In reply to i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help, posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 12:26:44
Kerria, could you talk with him about this, can you? That you feel he doesn't care, that he is unfriendly, that you feel uncomfortable with him, etc.
If there is a mismatch with a T and client, the T needs to be upfront about it, and T and client need to discuss it.
Could you ask if he feels you are mismatched? He'll of course ask why you say that and youmight choose to talk about it honestly.
Best of luck with this. It sounds really hard.
(((kerria)))
Posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 13:37:02
In reply to Re: i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help, posted by Shortelise on September 6, 2005, at 12:42:38
Hi ShortE,
Thanks for responding.
i always talk to T about it and he doesn't see himself as being unfriendly. He says that 'You know how i work" and have to accept that. We're not ready to quit but it's hard to get myself to go- i don't know beyond what i said why - i need to try to go anyways - a committment i guess. i wish that T wouldn't be so unwavering because he's losing us and it will be bad for me. i can't find another T and he is the only one who knows my parts.It feels like there's so much wrong with me that he isn't able to see that i'm a person behind the stupid dx.
:(
tears.Thanks for being there, (((((ShortE)))))
kerria
Posted by JenStar on September 6, 2005, at 14:50:10
In reply to i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help, posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 12:26:44
hi Kerria,
I think the things you write about are not specific to DID. I know MANY people search for keys at the last minute, make excuses not to go -- because it's difficult to do things like therapy. I also think it's possible to overcome it, even if you do have DID. The "you" that writes here, the "you" that wants to get better clearly has goals and ambitions that are important and valid. I have a feeling that the "you" showing on Babble is completely capable of going! :)I know it's tough. Everyone here writes about difficult spots, difficult times with T, difficutly handling the inability of the T to do comforting. I'm sorry you're not getting what you want from your T. But it sounds like you WANT to persevere...preparing for the day when things will start to get better, right?
What if you went to therapy today and talked to your T about ways to improve ONE thing you want to fix? Maybe you can't fix the doctors or the pain meds...maybe you can't fix their response...but is there something you want to work on internally? Maybe starting with part integration is too huge. Maybe something like communication with hubby or kids? Having fun with the kids? I don't know. But it seems that part of you still WANTS to get something from therapy. I hope you can get it!
take care, Kerria.
JenStar
Posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 22:56:05
In reply to Re: i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help » kerria, posted by JenStar on September 6, 2005, at 14:50:10
i just lost the whole post- no name.
Thanks JenStar for trying to help.
i didn't make it to therapy- it didn't work.
:( i spent three hours trying to get there by taxi to the bus and then when that didn't work i tried taking other busses, and walking after i called T from the street crying on the corner of a bad neighborhood - saying that i couldn't possibly get there by 5pm.
T acted unconcerned :( :( :( - i NEED therapy. It's the only way i know what my parts are doing or thinking. i'm so frustrated.
i guess that the parts that are organized to take busses and taxi to therapy don't want to go. WE CAN TAKE PLANES and TAXIS and BUSSES and TRAINS by ourself anywhere else. Just not therapy but i always forget that.i hate myself. i walked miles in bad shoes and have blisters.i remember almost getting hit by cars crossing the street. i spent $13.50 trying to get there- $10 for taxi and $3.50 for bus pass.i'm so disorganized. i wish that my H could make sure i have the car- that T could work with me- do hypnosis , and try to get me to stop having this trouble. NOTHING ever works for me. It's not safe . when i came home i wasn't safe. i hate myself for being this way so much.. i took two valiums to go to sleep and just woke up now.
thanks for trying to help, JenStar and ShortE. i'm too much a mess. i Need to go to therapy though- always i forget how much i need to or the organized parts don't think i need to and stop me.
kerria:(
Posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 23:17:47
In reply to Re: i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help, posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 22:56:05
Has anyone ever been this disconnected with their parts and ever gotten better?
i feel so frustrated and hopeless about ever getting better.
i don't have any idea how to work with problems because i never know what they are. Every part that i live in sees things a whole different way. No one i know ever has this symptom. It makes it impossible to do things and i don't even know why until later . i can't do anything about it.:( :( :(
IT's a watse, a frustrating mess to live. i'm completely out of control and it doesn't seem like it sometimes. i forget. i need therapy- please remind me that it's the only way i can tell what parts are thinking.
i DON'T need T to be nice to me. i ALWAYS forget-
There's a part that it's important that T is nice. it isn't the important reason to go to therapy though.Please remind me of this part. Now- the one that is helped by therapy because i can see what parts feel and think when T talks to them.
This is so frustrating. i HATE being like this. i wish i could have T help me out of it or there was a way to talk to parts.
We're so separated :( and i hate it,
kerria
Posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 3:10:16
In reply to Re: i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help, posted by kerria on September 6, 2005, at 23:17:47
> Has anyone ever been this disconnected with their parts and ever gotten better?
i reckon
> i feel so frustrated and hopeless about ever getting better.
yeah. i'm hearing that.
> i need therapy- please remind me that it's the only way i can tell what parts are thinking.
> the one that is helped by therapy because i can see what parts feel and think when T talks to them.the trouble is... and i have said this before... if your parts talk to your therapist and then your therapist passes what they say on to you then there is absolutely no incentive whatsoever for them to begin to talk to you. your therapist has become the way station. the point of connection between you all.
and it is not supposed to be like that. it is not.
i have said this before... but i think you need to find yourself a new therapist.
i know you say you can't because they all know your therapist...
but unless you live in a very small town i think that it is unlikely to be true.
i know you say you can't because all the specialists know each other...
but i say f*ck the specialists.
i know you say you can't because you need your t to talk to your parts...
but that seems to be the very thing that is preventing your being able to talk to your parts.
i know it is really hard seeing a new t.
but i would say that part of you knows that things aren't right there... things aren't right there... you have been going for how long? and you have said that in many many respects you have gotten much worse in therapy rather than better.
i really think... it is time to find somebody else and move on.
Posted by kerria on September 7, 2005, at 18:55:06
In reply to Re: i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help » kerria, posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 3:10:16
(((((((Alexandra)))))))
Thank you - i didn't see your post until now.
It's hard to know and deal with the mess i was. i think T wants me to communicate more than anyone- more than me. i'm the one to blame but it's a confusing mess to keep more than one part in my mind at once.i sent away for a book- "Managing Traumatic Stress through Art". Maybe That will help. maybe Dr Bob will notice that i used " " for the book.
T has used hypnosis to have internal meetings with parts but it made us too upset because of being hard to accept all parts.
Also once a part stayed out and influenced me for days and i was threatened by her and even afraid to drive- she hated me and wanted to make me get into an accident.Communication isn't an easy thing when you have parts like that.
Now i'm in trouble maybe- just talking about it.
It's not T's fault- it's mine and the situation we're in.we need a super T to stop parts from hurting me.
I'm angry if T gets me into a place where i'm not safe to be alone with myself.
so much is hard about communicating. It doesn't feel safe.Aleanadra- are you able to communicate to some parts- or most of your parts?
Do you journal to communicate- or how? Do you just 'Ask inside" like my T says to do?Lots of times i ask inside but don't hear anything or hear negative words that hurt.
i hope that you have parts that are nicer to have around. Sometimes it gets me so discouraged when some people have parts that are like a happy club inside- ever meet anyone online like that? Every part has a job and they all work together and communicate . They have a "Host" Internal Helper to be in charge that buys gifts for parts, bribing them with coloring books and crayons.
They should see some of my parts.
They always have a T that they love who is always there for them in need, checking on them to see if they're ok. makes me sick ....sorry.
it's only because i'm so envious, needy and selfSish.Take care,
kerria
Posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 19:25:44
In reply to Re: i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help » alexandra_k, posted by kerria on September 7, 2005, at 18:55:06
> i think T wants me to communicate more than anyone
maybe, but the current strategy doesn't seem to be working... thats why i was suggesting an alternative approach.
> Communication isn't an easy thing when you have parts like that.
yeah. communication can be hard.
> Now i'm in trouble maybe- just talking about it.i used to get that too. what i found was that when i said nasty things about them then they did nasty things to me. if i talk about them respectfully (as i would talk about another human being) then they tend to be okay with that.
> It's not T's fault- it's mine and the situation we're in.
it is nobodies fault. it is just the way things are at present and it can be hard to figure out a way foward.
> we need a super T to stop parts from hurting me.
i don't think you need a super t.
but you do need to figure out what the hurting you is about.
mine used to hurt me when i was horrible to them. when i said horrible things about them. i don't know what its about for you.
> Aleanadra- are you able to communicate to some parts- or most of your parts?hmm. i guess i can communicate in some way with all of them.
> Do you just 'Ask inside" like my T says to do?
i experience two of them as voices. they talk to me sometimes. or i can kind of overhear them talking to each other. another... only screams she doesn't talk. but i guess i can communicate with her via gesture / activity. i think she understands what i say to her but i'm not sure sometimes. another... i can talk to sometimes but she doesn't initiate conversation.
> Lots of times i ask inside but don't hear anything or hear negative words that hurt.mine used to be very hurtful.
i thought one was trying to kill me and i was very afraid of her.
i think she was a bit confused about how the survival of the body is required for her survival too.
she would hurt me if i talked about her negatively.
another would call me all sorts of names etc.
i thought he wished me harm.
but... i think they were trying to protect / help me / the body.
they were just a little confused as to appropriate ways of going about that.what i did...
when one of them hurt me i'd ask internally 'why did you do that?'
sometimes i'd just get a string of abuse back
but i'd ask again 'why did you do that?'
talk to them kindly
as you would to another human being
'you must feel really hurt / angry with me to do that'
eventually...
i'd get a sensible response.
i couldn't figure out why one of them would hurt me for ages...
eventually...
i dragged it out of her...
that i hurt her feelings when i said horrible things about her.
i promised to do my best not to say anything horrible about her.
i said that if she felt hurt that i had done that then she needed to tell me BEFORE hurting me.
so we could sort it out
because i didn't want to hurt her
and i didn't want her to hurt me
she hasn't hurt me since then
but it means that i do have to listen if she tries to tell me how she feels
and i have to respect her feelings
the same way i want her to respect minethey are there to protect you
i know it doesn't feel like it
but that is why they are there
it is just that they get a little confused as to how to go about doing that appropriatelyi think...
that over time...
as you communicate with them more
then they just do get nicer to be around.
i don't think anybody starts out with a happy system
but people progress to that point.
i know your system seems horrible and confusing and incomprehensible right now...
but it will get better.but...
you do need to start talking to them.
be kind to yourself
and be kind to them
teach them how to return that favour
Posted by kerria on September 7, 2005, at 20:17:52
In reply to Re: i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help » kerria, posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 19:25:44
Thank you, ((((((Alexandra))))))
It takes a lot of sensitivity, concentration and awareness to be on to who's doing what and why.
Are you finishing school to be a T?
take care,
kerria
Posted by alexandra_k on September 7, 2005, at 20:34:33
In reply to Re: i don't want to go to therapy today- plse help » alexandra_k, posted by kerria on September 7, 2005, at 20:17:52
> It takes a lot of sensitivity, concentration and awareness to be on to who's doing what and why.yeah its hard. but the sooner you start trying... the sooner you are going to be able to make sense of it all. you just need to have faith... that they are trying to help you as best they can... and that you have to try and help them as best you can in return... and it will be hard... but if you make a little progress on this... then your life really will improve a whole bunch and things will start to make a bit more sense.
> Are you finishing school to be a T?no, a philosopher :-)
... though i'm starting to wonder if i was an evolutionary biologist in a past life ;-)
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