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Dr. Bob is Robert Hsiung, MD,
bob@dr-bob.orgShown: posts 1 to 13 of 13. This is the beginning of the thread.
Posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40
You know, I was actually feeling really good.
I'm engaged. There's a lot of joy that comes with that. I'm so excited and lucky to be marrying my fiance. I'm so excited to start my life with him. Planning my wedding is going to be fun. I think my mom is even more excited about it than I am. :-) I'm getting along with my family.
People say that planning a wedding is up there with the top stressful life events. Apparently this is one of the things that can make or break your relationship. It's not that I don't believe that. But we've been through a lot, and I find it hard to believe that this will be harder than other stuff. Agonizing through therapy, getting my degree, those things were work. This wedding business will be just play.
Anyway.
I sent a whole bunch of people an e-mail about 3 weeks ago, announcing my engagement. My ex male T knew that I was going to get married, but I included him in the list of people I sent the announcement to. I heard from pretty much everyone on that list. But not him.
I sent him a chipper little note today, asking if he got my announcement, telling him I'm having fun planning my wedding, and asking him if he will be staying on at the university next year that he's currently at.
He shot back a reply 2 hours later, saying "congratulations once again, and yes I will be staying on."
The tone of his reply, plus the fact that he got my announcement 3 weeks ago and didn't bother to respond, made me so mad, for reasons I just don't get.
I guess what I'm getting is huge hints that he's ready to cut me loose and not communicate with me again, even about major life events. His replies have gotten shorter and more bruising the past few months.
So I guess when it's over, it's just.....over.
I was so mad when I drove home. Mad at him for doing this. But mostly mad at myself for believing that he ever could have cared for me. Mad at myself for loving him when there was no chance that he could ever love me the same way. Mad at myself for trusting. And mad at him for terminating me in the clumsiest possible way, then making it feel like it was MY fault that I missed him. Mad at him for probably thinking that he has been right all along, and I've just been scrambling for the little bits of stuff I get from him. Me pouring out my heart and him shooting back a politely bruising reply.
It breaks my heart to think that he doesn't really want to talk to me anymore.
I'm trying to think of some appropriate non-fatal semi-uncomfortable thing to wish up him. Hemerroids maybe.
Actually, I just hope sadistically that some day he will hurt as much as I've hurt, and then maybe he'll get why I was such a crazy ex client.
Posted by Damos on August 9, 2005, at 22:52:32
In reply to Sigh (long), posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40
My suggestion would be reccurring marble sized kidney stones.
You're doing great things and theres lots of good stuff to come for you. So don't give him another though and just enjoy every minute of the life you're creating - you've worked hard for it. Very best wishes to you.
(((((messadivoce)))))
Posted by daisym on August 10, 2005, at 1:28:03
In reply to Re: Sigh (long) » messadivoce, posted by Damos on August 9, 2005, at 22:52:32
I got this flash as I was reading your post of a young child reacting to falling down. She is angry and might lash out at you, but if you look closer you can see that she is actually hurt and embarrassed. I'm not suggesting that you sound like a child, just that the anger you express seems laced with some other, deeper emotions. It is really hard, isn't it? It makes you wonder if they ever meant anything they said, and what, if anything, you can do to show them you are hurting. Yet, who wants to be that vulnerable to the person who caused the hurt?
I think this is where you hold on to the good things that came out of your therapy and let go of the rest. Maybe have a little closure ceremony for yourself - burn emails or write a final letter. It can't be good for you if you are continually being bruised with the contact you are getting. Eventually the negative stuff will completely overwhelm the positive stuff, if it hasn't already.
I'm sorry you are hurting. The whole thing stinks.
Hang in there.
Daisy
Posted by rubenstein on August 10, 2005, at 10:53:28
In reply to Re: Sigh (long), posted by daisym on August 10, 2005, at 1:28:03
I am so sorry. That must be really hard. I agree with Daisy, perhaps a final letter might help put at least a little more closure on the situation. You are in my thoughts
rachel
Posted by Shortelise on August 10, 2005, at 12:28:19
In reply to Sigh (long), posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40
Voce, I am so sorry. Ending any kind of intimate relationship like this would be excruciating. Lovers, therapists, friends, no matter. There should remain a kindness.
It scares the beejeezus out of me. My T says he will always be there for me if possible. I think I need to tell him about this site, about some of the nightmares I read here. Maybe it's affecting termination for me more than I realize?
If I were you, I'd wonder if it were my fault. That's where I always go. Do you wonder that?
SHortE
Posted by orchid on August 10, 2005, at 13:46:01
In reply to Sigh (long), posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40
Hi Voce,
I do feel for you, and you know I have been there too.But..
This is a perfect scenario, for you to explore yourself and change your responses to scenarios like this. Because if you don't do that, it is most likely to happen again in the future - not with your ex T, but with someone else perhaps. So, it is you who needs to learn, the way to deal with things like these, without letting it get to you. Because the world is not always going to be kind and friendly and warm and affectionate.
This is what I used to feel, and felt so many many many times brushed off, rejected, hurt, vulnerable, painful when people did that to me. My ex T, a couple of old friends perhaps.
But as Gandhi said "Nobody can take your self esteem away if you don't give it up yourself".
Don't let people get to you like this. Know your own self worth. And give yourself the approval and affection you need. If we depend on others, then it hurts a lot when they don't give it us. But if we give it to ourselves, then we are fine either way.
That is what I am practicing for myself nowadays. I am trying to understand why from childhood I always depended on someone else to tell me I am ok, give me the affection and approval, and I realized that it was the way my father brought me. And I am trying to break away from that habit. It is hard work, but in the end it is worth it.
Maybe you could do it too.
Posted by caraher on August 10, 2005, at 14:07:57
In reply to Sigh (long), posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40
As a disclaimer, I don't remember the details of your previous interactions with this T, so please pardon me if I say something spectacularly ignorant.
Look at him as just a person. Has he said or done anything inappropriate here? Perhaps he might have responded to your announcement, but it wasn't news to him so he may have found it unnecessary to say anything. When you emailed him he did reply, albeit tersely. But you said you sent him a chipper email rather than, say, a desperate plea for validation, and he responded accordingly.
So while he's someone you naturally have more emotional investment in than, say, your dentist or postal carrier, on another level he's just another person who has performed a service for you. Look at all the friends and relatives who *did* reply to you and are happy for you. Remember your fiance, who is making the ultimate commitment to you. To the degree that you can, forgive your T's failure to respond in the way that you'd like and realize that, as others have said, you do not need to rely on his validation for your own personal worth.
And now that I've played the bad guy, let me add that I'm so sorry that this is getting you down and that I know the feeling of being overlooked by someone you want to pay more attention to you. Just don't mistake the hurt with your value as a human being!
Posted by Tamar on August 10, 2005, at 18:57:44
In reply to Sigh (long), posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40
> He shot back a reply 2 hours later, saying "congratulations once again, and yes I will be staying on."
Ouch! Oh, that’s painful.
> It breaks my heart to think that he doesn't really want to talk to me anymore.
Maybe he thinks it’s not therapeutic for you if he continues to be in contact with you. That doesn’t mean he’s right…
> I'm trying to think of some appropriate non-fatal semi-uncomfortable thing to wish up him. Hemerroids maybe.
Yeah. Or, as you say, an experience that will make him truly understand what you’re going through.
I’m sorry it hurts. I’ve also been going through a patch of ex-therapist blues the last few days. Sometimes, just when I feel it’s all dissipating, it comes back like a slap in the face.
I keep trying to tell myself that my ex-T liked me as much as possible in the circumstances but, dammit, I want him to love me and miss me the way I love and miss him!
Maybe if your ex-therapist easing off contact with you it’s painful for him too. I’m sure he couldn’t possibly ever forget you.
Tamar
Posted by Poet on August 10, 2005, at 18:58:11
In reply to Sigh (long), posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40
Hi Messadivoce,
I don't like how abrupt your ex therapist was. I am sorry to say that I think he is broadly hinting that it's time to end all communications.
You were telling him a good thing has happened and you deserved more than a few words in reply.
I once told a dermatologist to go back to medical school after inflicting me with 84 chemical patches on my back to see if my unidentifiable rash was an allergy. I wasn't allergic to anything except the tape that held the patches on. I wish your ex T has to endure the allergy patch test. I hope he's allergic to the tape and nobody scratches his back around the patches for him.
Poet
Posted by messadivoce on August 11, 2005, at 19:29:36
In reply to Re: Sigh (long) » messadivoce, posted by Damos on August 9, 2005, at 22:52:32
Thanks Damos. LOL. You're so kind. :-)
Posted by messadivoce on August 11, 2005, at 19:31:16
In reply to Re: Sigh (long), posted by daisym on August 10, 2005, at 1:28:03
You are right Daisy. This is rooted in all the "issues" I took to therapy in the first place. I hate that I am still vulnerable to him, and that I can be hurt by something like an e-mail. At work I deal with people who are 100X meaner to me, and I can just blow them off. But this is completely different.
Posted by messadivoce on August 12, 2005, at 23:12:59
In reply to Sigh (long), posted by messadivoce on August 9, 2005, at 22:19:40
I've wanted to formulate a really thoughtful response to everyone, but nothing seems to be coming to me. I feel hugely apethetic about the whole thing the past few days. I deleted his e-mail from my inbox and right now I don't care at all. This may just be my way of numbing out. In any case, when this hits me again I hope you will be here to catch me.
Posted by daisym on August 12, 2005, at 23:28:09
In reply to Apathy, posted by messadivoce on August 12, 2005, at 23:12:59
No Worries. I've felt that way...so sick of the subject and the intensity of it that you just can't write about it anymore. I find when I'm overwhelmed I shut down. (gee, I first typed that as "shout" - wonder what that means.)
In any case, we are here for you when you need us.
This is the end of the thread.
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